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Accused of picking on your skid?

bioandstep2009's picture

In talking with FH about SS10 reverting to being difficult, non-compliant, disobedient and generally contrary, FH told me that there are times it sounds like I'm picking on SS10 and that I find fault with everything he says or does. He wasn't defending his bad behavior but making an observation of his own. I don't think I'm picking on SS10 when I correct his grammar (I do this with DD11, how else do you learn? my mom an grandmother did the same with me). When he belches out loud or farts in the car when we've talked about NOT doing this, I reprimand him. When he leaves lights on, drawers open, cabinets open, fridge open, milk out on the counter etc., I tell him to turn off, close, put back etc. When he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor (having been told numerous times to not), I make him stop what he's doing and go pick them up. When he says something that shows he mixed up the facts or is under the wrong assumption, I enlighten him. If DD11 did these things, my response would be the same. I told FH that I step in and say things that need to be said because he doesn't always. For background, SS10 lives with us full time with the exception of a year's worth of EOW at BM's which is still in effect. DD11 lives with us full time, no EOW with her dad but rather weekly visitation of a few hours per.

Have you been accused of picking on you skid? Am I picking on SS10 or am I just being a parent?

Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

I have also been accused of picking on SSs but I agree with you that I will do the same thing with my son and any other children I have - it's called parenting!!

bioandstep2009's picture

That's the problem though. Before I came along, FH didn't have much in terms of boundaries, structure, routine, rules, consequences for SS. Because I moved in with them with my DD11, and HAD raised her with boundaries, structure, routine, rules, consequences, the difference in expectations out of the kids caused a problem at first. I do talk to FH about taking the reigns more and doling out the rules, consequences with SS10 and he has gotten better about it BUT since I work from home and pretty much spend alot more time with the kids, I have no choice but to manage BOTH kids re: discipline, rules etc. Plus, SS10 has alot of behavioral and emotional issues that existed prior to my coming into his life. In short, he is ALOT OF WORK. I don't know what to do. I can't "disengage" and I can't "wait till his father comes home" when he's under my sole supervision for 3.5 hours every day, part of which I'm actually working, when he does something that needs to be immediately dealt with. It's so exhausting, I just want to give up, ya know?

NaturallyMom's picture

Holy cow! DH has said those exact words to me and your SS10 is acting like my SS10!
Twilight Zone ...
You are just being a parent though.
I tell DH that when SS8 is 10 he will probably be a little snot too so lay off.

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln

Amazed's picture

Oh I'm always the bad bitch when it comes to ANYTHING in my house. If there's any trouble, it's my fault bc "You took it the wrong way"

Well excuse the F*ck outta me for being such a supremely slow individual that I can't process words and sentences in a "correct" manner.

So yeah, I'm always picking on miss priss and I'm always wrong. DH and miss priss are part of this elite pocket of perfection that my horrifying son and I just can't touch bc we suck.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

Stepmom1966's picture

That was beautiful. I really needed that. I'm laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face. I'm not laughing at you. It's just that I know exactly how you feel. God Bless You for having any tolerance at all. Smile

butterfly8's picture

My FH has accused me of this also. He says that I am constantly picking on his children and I see no wrong with ANY other child, which is a complete fabrication. If I see any child doing the things SS13 and SD10 do I would say the same things but he doesn't believe that. His children act completely helpless so that he will do everything for them they leave things all over the house and actually walk out of their clothes and leave them in the middle of the floor. When I have asked them to clean their rooms or the nasty bathroom they share, FH says to me that just because I grew up being forced to clean everything doesn’t mean he is going to treat his children this way...WTH? I told him that he is doing them a complete disservice by shielding them for chores. In my opinion, the skids are a little immature for their age, SS13 actually comes in from school and tell his dad, time for my sandwich (and can you believe FH made if for him)…ridiculous...I’m surprised he doesn’t call his dad into the bathroom to wipe his butt for him. And the little princess, SD10 writes on my walls like a 3yr...yet I am picking on them...completely RIDICULOUS…. I have even caught FH actually cleaning their rooms and the bathroom for them, which at first used piss me off because they do absolutely nothing but play video games but the more I thought about it, they are his problem and if he wants to continue to clean up behind them for the rest of their lives then more power to him but I am NOT going to do it.

ohnoyoudidnt's picture

Same here. DH & BM & SS accuse me of "picking" on SS. Hmmm....all the same rules apply to my BD.
It sucks because at BM's house none of the same rules apply as here.

I am in the thinking that SS does all the stuff I hate just to run back to BM and tell her that I picked on him all weekend long..LOL

My favorite is the "no grazing rule" we do not eat all day long.

patwinmom's picture

I've been accused of it, many times! I've even been told by my H :"you just hate my kids so why am I even here". Well buddy i never said i hated your kids i hate what they do! I am not picking on them I am helping them learn and trying to teach them something because we live in pennsylvania and for some reason your kids think we live in west virginia, yes at one point they actually thought that. It's always the SM or SF thats picking, when probably 97% of the time its not the case

Angel72's picture

My dh accused me once about 2 or 3 years ago and i told him to go F himself. that's i'm not picking on his daughter and for him to grow some balls and start being a father. A moment of weakness on his part. But he accused me of this when i complained to him about her behaviour and her behaviour towards her brother and him. That she is being rude to my dh....I took the stance to protect my dh and my ss against her and got accused of picking on her. I personally didn't approach her , i approached my dh. When he accused me, i told him to f off and that next time i'll tell her off instead if he doesn't pick up the pieces.
In the end, if the parent does't parent and then doesn't appreciate you doing it, its a no win situation. Its hard when the bioparent doesn't do their job.

Pantera's picture

This is my exact story. I disengaged. I didn't want to "pick on his son anymore". It got to the point that even when I said something nice about SS, DH would get really defensive. So I just stopped it all. DH finally realized that SS's behavior is a reflection of HIS parenting and he finally stepped it up. It took a few weeks and ALOT of tongue biting, but DH finally stepped up.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

kphotog's picture


Mich811's picture

Yes. Same here. It's funny because he gets so mad at them, screams and yells, and I mention their terrible behavior after and he's like, "Oh. You were kind of cold when you spoke to them, and I think it hurt their feelings."