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Absent BM acting like mom of the year

Alapheria's picture

So BM is supposedly coming to a school function after years of not coming to anything. Her name isn't in the school system and none of the SDs teachers know BM. She is already acting like MOTY all over FB and I know she's going to try the same crap at the school. How do I handle her narcissistic behavior and put her in her place of "you are a guest here because I invited you". The school faculty knows me as my SDs mom because I'm in the system as their mother, I'm at all school functions and even volunteer up at the school for parties and such. BM can't even go to the school without me or DH present and she definitely can't check them out of school or else cops will be called. On top of that, SDs hate her guts because of all the problems and trouble she's caused. I'm already irritated with her entitled behavior on FB and I don't know if I can bite my tongue face to face. 

ESMOD's picture

I agree with Tog.. the school does know that you are the one present.  I am curious though, do you have legal standing to make decisions?  It might be important to have those if you are putting yourself forward as her mother/guardian.  

I might also be prepared for the possibility that BM will find out you are labeled as mom in the system vs stepmom.

ndc's picture

I agree with Tog.  Be classy.  Ignore BM's antics.  If she wants to act like MOTY, let her.  I'm sure everyone at the school knows the reality.  She'll only be embarrassing herself.

Jcksjj's picture

Oh I can relate to this. My ODS dad, before dropping completely out of the picture, brought to preschool once. Once. Ever. He made a huge show out of himself for it, made up a story about how they went out to breakfast (100% a lie, he brought him straight from my house to daycare in my car because he didnt even have a carseat for him in his) etc. His teacher after preschool said ODS had had a better day then he had been, and maybe it was because dad had dropped him off this morning and took him to breakfast (he had had cereal at home). I was SO pissed, I busted my a** everyday to provide for him alone (the ex couldn't keep a job so no CS) and he brings him ONCE and he gets a pat on the back for it? BUT the thing with this personality type is they can make themselves look great on first impression sometimes, but cant maintain it. That same teacher ended up writing a letter later on when I needed it for court because when the ex briefly had ODS every other weekend he brought him back to school late, wearing dirty/wet clothes (didnt wash his clothes after he had accidents) and smelling like smoke, and ODS obviously hadnt slept much and was always very upset. So just keep that in the back of your head when you're dealing with her. She wont ever put in more effort than what she thinks shes getting out of a situation and taking care of kids is more give than take. So she'll out herself eventually. 

As far as the school knowing you as her mom though - unless shes had her rights stripped she has a right to see school records and be listed on them. It doesn't matter what custody is. I have 100% legal and physical custody, which most moms only have 50% legal, and his dad still has rights to his school records and medical records. So if this is about wanting to maintain the school thinking your the mom - you cant. It doesnt matter how unfair it is or how little shes done, she still legally had those rights.

Alapheria's picture

She cannot access anything without DHs approval. As a consequence to her asking to not be held responsible paying a dime for the kids upbringing or even medical bills, she signed away the "right" to be listed as anything with the school. Especially since she "lives too far away and won't get them enough to be bothered with that sh!t." Using her exact words there. Plus I explained to the teachers about her so I'm not trying to hide anything from them. The school board asked me when I registered SDs for school if BM was going to be dealing with the school at all and if she wasn't, to put my name as their mother so her name is no where in the system since she can't legally visit the school or check the girls out without kidnapping charges

BethAnne's picture

That seems like a strange direction from the school. Plenty of kids are raised by people who are not their mother or father. I would have thought that they would have the ability to cope with that on their forms and list the accurate relationship with the child. 

If the everyone is aware about BM then I am not sure where your comment about everyone thinking you are the kid’s mother comes from. 

Jcksjj's picture

Why would the school board be involved? I understand if she cant come get them, but that's separate from being allowed to see school records, which is the right I was referring to. Doesnt their school have a copy of her birth certificate? Our school gets audited by the state to make sure they have every kids on file. I also dont understand why you said they all think you're their mom then? I also agree that it's a weird instruction from the school, and probably not a very good one since you aren't legally their mom and would need dads permission for anything. My sons dad is still listed, along with my husband as stepdad, theres just a note on the file that says his dad isnt allowed to pick him up and it would be flagged in the system if he tried to.

Rags's picture

You and dad do whatcha gotta do to minimize the stank and crappy influence of BM on the Skids and to keep her from injecting her drama into the kids' school life and experiencs.  You seem to be doing a great job on that.

Kids need to have a relationship with the blended family opposition though it is the responsibility of the reasonable side to mitigate the toxicity and manipulation of the toxic side.  Best case both sides are reasonable. Unfortunately that mix seems to be fairly rare in the blended family world.

Well done Alapheria. Well done.

IMHO of course.

Chloe1974's picture

I agree with some of the other members. The school knows, you know, SD knows (even if she doesn’t let on Wink ) My ex does the same thing. Always tries to spend less time with our girl (4 days a month must be really tough lol!!!!) but will post pics on FB making him look like he does all this great stuff with/for her. It’s literally laughable. But I sit back and let him think he’s fooling everyone. Everyone knows the difference and he just looks foolish. Im willing to bet people know that BM is full of it too :)