About To Call Off a Wedding
Disclaimer: I am probably going to sound atrocious.
I cannot stand my fiance's child. We are due to be married in 3 weeks. His child is four and mine is three and everything is an absolute train wreck.
As a little bit of background the stepchild's biomom has been just barely in the picture since she was born, she recently married someone who is physically abusive to her and her other children and my fiancé has pretty much been her caretaker 99% of the time her entire life. That being said, his daughter is with us 24/7.
She bullies my daughter, talks back to me and her father, and will not do a thing anyone asks. It doesn't matter if we ask nicely, offer help, take things away, etc. She mocks my child, makes fun of her, and will just laugh right in her dads and my face.
Why is this so frustrating? Because I have worked with children for years. I currently work exclusively as a habilitative support for children diagnosed with Autism but I'm on the end of my rope.
My own daughter isn't perfect but she has never acted out to this extreme before and I feel his child is a bad influence. It wouldn't even be so bad but he works nights and I am alone with the girls a vast majority of the time (all day, every day).
They are destroying my house and I just dread coming home from work. It's to the point where I just want to tell my soon to be husband to leave and we'll just call it off.
It sounds dramatic, but I've had depression and anxiety for years and I have gone from happy and outgoing to so depressed I cry all of the time.
I understand her life hasn't been the easiest and I'm trying to be sympathetic but I have so much resentment for her that I can't seem to see past it. I feel like my whole life has been destroyed, and honestly it's not fair to her or my fiance to be here if this is how it's going to be.
I just need some advice before the wedding is off and they're out. I love my fiance but this is just too much for me.
RUN!!
It doesn't get any better!!
Divorce is expensive. More
Divorce is expensive. More expensive then a wedding. Financially and emotionally. Do you want to put your child thru a toxic family environment and then an divorce? Listen to your gut. Listen to the education that you have about this very thing. Postpone the wedding if you aren't sure. He sounds to be looking for a replacement mommy, not a wife. They are destroying YOUR home??? No, just no.
What would he do?
What would he do about childcare if you were not in the picture? Why are you having to watch his child while he is out? Genuinely curious, no snark.
I'm not trying to be harsh,
I'm not trying to be harsh, but you need a wake up call, right now. You are putting your SO and your SO's child's well being before your own child.
Your young daughter is being bullied in her home, daily. No. JUST NO. STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING TO HER. She is supposed to feel safe at home. She doesn't. She is 3. Protect your child. That is your #1 job as a mother. You are currently failing. ZERO men are worth doing that.
Call off that wedding. ASAP
Call off that wedding. ASAP
I called off a wedding 2 months before. Never regretted it for one minute.
You can stop loving anyone. Not right away but eventually. Be rational about this. No way this will have a happy ending.
Be kind to your fiance and let him go. No need to be mean or cruel. Just tell him that it is not going to work and that he needs to remove himself and the spawn from your home.
Don't get caught up in thinking that you need to "justify" this. It just is what it is. And do not feel guilty about doing it for a second. It's what is best for all of you.
If your fiancé recognizes
If your fiancé recognizes that there is a problem and is willing to put effort into helping his daughter with her behavior and socializing skills as well as taking a step back from your relationship for now to focus on the girl’s relationship, then there is a small chance that you only need to postpone the wedding and not cancel it.
If however, he does not see the problem or thinks that it is not his to solve then I would move on.
In my mind, these relationships only work when we can we can be honest with each other about the situation (even when the things we say or hear are difficult) and then work together to find a solution that improves things for everyone.
It sounds like you DO need to
It sounds like you DO need to call off the wedding (and get your own place). Neither your daughter, nor you, deserve to live in this environment.
If you continue on like this, and go ahead with the wedding, it's like saying you are okay with the way things are. He will not be inclined to do anything about his bratty child and it sounds like the child has some real issues that need to be addressed.
Its OK to put everything on
Its OK to put everything on hold. I bet there will be a few people who silently wish THEY did the same in your group of family and friends.
Better now than 2 year and 15k in lawyer fee' 'later'.
Follow your gut.
Postpone the wedding so that
Postpone the wedding so that you give yourselves time to figure this out. I feel for your daughter being bullied in all these and her well-being should be first. You have an opportunity now to stop it so really think this through.
Pause, deep breath, and let
Pause, deep breath, and let him know exactly how you feel. If he calls it off, OK. If he says he wants to find a path to betterment, OK. But this is what we folks in Texas would call, "Starting off on the wrong foot."
"Honey, I know we're working toward this wedding, which I'm really looking forward to as much as you are, however the blending of the kids is somthing that seems to be troubling, and I really want that distraction cleared up or at least on the mend before we tie the knot. I really need that... can we postpone the wedding a little while? Either way, I'm still committed to you, to us, but this is rapidly devolving, and I really want us all to do what's right here, so we have a nice ceremony and start things off on a good note. I'll be happy to go to counseling, whatever we need, but this is really unbearable, and I can't pretent it'll go away on its own anymore."
If your gut is telling you no
If your gut is telling you no, then what are you waiting for in order to call it off? Just do it and move on. Do not allow this toxic 4yo to further pollute your own child.
Don't get married. If you're
Don't get married. If you're this miserable now, it gets worse and much more expensive after marriage.
A couple of weeks before DH and I married, we had a huge fight and he announced to me that he'd never love me as much as SD and our marriage wouldn't be his first priority. I thought about it for 24 hours and gave him the ring back. He was shocked; he didn't think I'd do that and he recanted, apologized, cried, swore eternal love, blah, blah, blah.
I was in love and inexperienced. I married him. I was stupid. We spent our honeymoon a couple of hours down the road from SD bc he didn't want to be too far from her. He called her all the time telling her "this would soon be over and he'd be back with her". And that was the tip of the iceberg.
My gut told me before our marriage he wouldn't be dedicated to me; I should've listened to it. But I don't believe in divorce.
We have 2 children together; we've been married more than 20 years but there isn't a day that passes that I don't think about how different my life could've been if I had stuck to my guns. Some days, the only thing that makes it worthwhile are my kids.