For 7 years BF has brainwashed children to believe SF (Me) is insignificant, not at all family,and to ignore him. HELP!
Good evening to all.
Well, after 7 years of this nonsense, I need some opinions, suggestions, and advice...
Seven years ago I reunited with my high school sweetheart, and we married 3 years ago. We were both divorced, lived in separate states, and reunited after nearly a decade and a half. I the SF have no children of my own. 7 years ago I met her then 7 year old daughter and 4 year old son.
I left a job and home and moved to her state of residence, my state of residence growing up where family lives. We spent significant time together and the relationship with her and her very sweet children grew successfully and fairly steadily. Eventually, we moved in together, married, and now live in a home together 7 years later. We both have EXCELLENT careers and college educations, law abiding, and stable role models with a stable marriage (could be improved, but good by today's standard).
My relationship with the children, boy and girl, on it's own has been positive. The reason however, I write today is the issue that I have battled for these 7 years which has grown to now be detrimental and significant to me and the children. The BF seven years ago (single since divorced, multiple partners) began by slandering my name to people in the community with falsehoods. We decided to take the high road and ignore. Shortly thereafter, the children reported to my wife that they were instructed by the BF to ignore and not speak to "him" (me). This was explained in as much of a benign and subtle way possible to the young children, however if Daddy said so, it must be. It didn't help.
This "influence" has grown and allowed to become ingrained in the children over the years. We fear this programming has continued and worsened. We wish not to ask the children so as not to impose undue stress on them than they already have as a result of the BF influence. When with the children (father has every other weekend, and for week no weekends has them 3 nights) are with us for a few days, gradually they naturally resume their naturally motivated somewhat close relationship with me, however they have never expressed any notion of "love" or anything more than a friendly hug/back tap before bed. When the return home from the visit with BF, I am ignored for usually 24 hours, sometimes more depending on the length of stay with BF. I then have to work very hard to regain the relationship, every week. For vacation visits for a week, recovery time is usually measured in days.
Recently, the BM confronted the BF about my (stepdad) existence in their kids lives. He explained sternly to her than as far as he is concerned, I (stepdad) don't exist in his eyes, and he admits sharing this view with the children. He admits to believing that I am not in any way family in their kids lives, and have no role other than co-habitation with his kids. As far as he is concerned, the BF And BM are only ones who exist for his children. We did not receive an admission of "influencing" his kids with these views directly, but it can be easily inferred and implied. Just as a side bar, he has no problem allowing his flavor of the month, or year (if lucky) "partner" become a significant part of their lives, only to dissapear, very big double standard.
I have provided financial stability to provide a single family home in a great town with a great school system, endured monetary loses to continue this stability for the children, and dedicated hours and years to the positive influence of the children (his children, as he makes sure everyone knows).
When the phone rings (and it does all day and all night) from BF, you can see the mood change, and the instant emotional retreat by the children (more so the younger male). The children get grilled when they don't answer in time, don't call back right away, etc. The children will make up a story to tell BF what they were doing when BF called if with Stepdad. They will hide phones to be able to talk at late hours of the night, and delete missed calls, etc to hide the record of the calls. We NEVER inhibit their time to speak to BF, Nor EVER speak in any negative terms or tone about BF. We enforce rules about curfew and bedtime, normal for children of this age. The BF insists on breaking these rules and continuing to call well into the night and sometimes early morning hours. Now BF provided cell phone and Apple Internet devices with special VOIP and BF paid for calling skype minutes are used.
End result, now when taking children to a sports game for one child on BM time (I take them for she works), and BF and new "partner" show to see game, the child not playing leaves their stepdad alone for the entirety of the game I am there to be with BF, ignores Stepdad, and at end of game, stands 10 feet away from stepdad so as not to be seen near me in front if BF. Other child who played when greeted by stepdad walks right past stepdad, puts head down, hands him ball bag, and proceeds to BF and partner. They then walk to my car separately when done meeting BF and nobody speaks to stepfather again for 6 or so hours. it's beyond hurtful.
This behavior is very out of character for the children who are very sweet and generous when not in exposure to BF and enough time has elapsed so that BF influence begins to wear off. This is what concerns me most, his obsession to attempt to control their free feelings, and limit a relatinship (rather destroy and nullify) the children have with a positive stepfather and role model.
The BM chooses not to confront or deal with the issue, for reasons personal to her and not understood by Me. Her choice to ignore the issue to not jeopardize causing her ex the BF to threaten law suits, court, etc (he files suits and is a defendant party to suits constantly in his life, it's his big thing) has put the burden of this on me and it's become almost crippling to endure for so long.
Is this normal, should I grin and bear it and deal with it as some have suggested, or is this as I believe unfair and unhealthy treatment for all involed (especially them) which can be dealt with legally? The children are stressed to extreme levels by this pressure put on by BF. We have dedicated our selves to never put any stress on the kids or speak of this to them, as it would only complicate the issue for them and cause them more pain than BF already causes.
Thanks for reading this if you made it all the way through. I appreciate any input. Thanks, and to all the blended families out there, my hat off to all of you (us) we truly are the unsung heroes.
This "influence" has continued and grown over the years negatively.
I think I would just be
I think I would just be straight with them. It sounds as if you have a fairly decent relaiotnship with them most of the time. I would just tell them it really hurts your feelings when they are unkind to you. Sometimes just bringing it into the open and confronting it is enough to make them realize how wrong it is. Tell them that you are ok with the idea that their dad doesnt like you and that it is often that way with new spouses, etc (depersonalize it so it's not about YOU specifically)and tell them that you understand that they are in a tough spot and that you care about them no matter what-but you really feel like it is hurting your relationship with them when they act this way and that it also hurts their mom (even if she wont say so) and that you would really like them to be more conscious of the way that they are treating others and that it is always important to be respectful to adults.
If they cant manage this or refuse-honestly, if it were me I'd just stop doing all that you do. Sad, I know, but you have to think about yourself, as noone else evidently is going to. I would refuse to be treated as a chaffeur at the ballgames-someone to hold their bag and give them a ride home-while they snubbed me in preference for their dad. You need to let your wife know that you will be backing off as you feel it is wrong of you to promote this kind of behavior from the kids and that you dont feel that you deserve to be treated poorly. Then it becomes HER problem and she has to deal with it-whether she prefers not to for personal reasons (I'm not quite sure I understand that). Is she really ok with you helping to support her children, running errands for them, doing things for them, and allowing them to treat you disrespectfully? She cant have it both ways-either you are a significant person in their lives who helps with these things and deserve to be treated as such OR you are just her spouse and roommates to the kids and it is HER job alone to deal with the children.
This dickhead sounds a lot
This dickhead sounds a lot like my SD17's bio-father. He does nothing to help raise her, but is "just enough" involved in her life to cause trouble. As in your case, the bio-dad got SD17 a fancy phone, and will ream her out if she doesn't immediately answer when he calls. Also like your guy, this bio-dad likes to sue people (sued us twice in the first two years I was married to DW; he got his ass kicked both times). My DW also treats him very deferentially, as she doesn't want "conflict," and only reluctantly stands up for herself, and never for me. Lastly, although I certainly can't prove it, I am sure that he has been "brainwashing" her the whole time I have been with DW to believe that I "don't exist," just as in your case.
Jeez, maybe it is the same guy - lots of similarities.
Anyway, like "hismineandyours" wrote, I think that you should disengage. You are being treated like shit, and if you think that it will get better with time, you are in for a serious disappointment. It **never** gets better over time. Quite to the contrary, it usually gets much worse. Also, don't think that all of your contributions (monetary, emotional, serving as a "taxi" service, etc.) will be appreciated - they won't. Disengage, let your DW deal with her kids, and focus your time and energy on DW, and also on yourself. It's not worth getting worked up over kids that aren't yours, and never will be.
I agree. How sad it is to
I agree. How sad it is to hear this. My DH has never said anything to his loser kid about her stepdad...he has always been very respectful...on the other hand his kid always came over telling us that "sdad" was HER dad...cause mommy told her...we never said no. We did say "no, DH is your bio dad and sdad is your other dad"...needless to say because sdad is such a jealous freak & bm was always flirting w/DH they destroyed his relationship w/his daughter.
So, what should you do? Disengage! If your wife sees nothing wrong w/it and does not address it, then she is not only putting her ex's needs ahead of yours, but his needs ahead of her own kids. Sounds to me like you need to have a talk w/your wife and if she does not at least demand that her kids treat you w/kindness so that her ex doesn't get angry, she needs to take them to their games or find someone else to do it. You aré being used...you aré good enough to help her w/her kids but not good enough to ensure they treat you w/respect? I don't think so.
He's making you the target of
He's making you the target of alienation. Does he share ill feelings with them about their mother as well?
Like you & your wife, my husband & I felt that by ignoring the lies & slander BM spewed about me, him, our relationship, our marriage, etc, we were taking the high road. That is NOT the case. What has happened is that our lack of action enabled the alienation to set into the minds of the children & it created a foundation for further lies & BS to build in their minds.
He's brainwashing the kids to believe that you are nothing, when the fact is you are their mother's husband. That's a pretty significant role in the household that they are being taught doesn't matter...doesn't deserve respect.
There's a book that I had recommended to me when I found this site called "Divorce Poison". It discusses the many different forms & tactics used by one parent to alienated children from the target parent(s). It discusses many tactics the target parent(s) can use to fight the alienation without putting the kids in a difficult position. When I first read the book, I checked it out at our public library. I read it twice while I had it & have since purchased my own copy to have for reference. I got it for .99 + $2.95 s/h on Ebay. It is definitely worth the read for both you & your wife.
Do NOT grin & bear it. Do NOT ignore it. The BF is creating a burden for those kids to carry. It sounds like they love you & it seems they don't want to treat you poorly, but their dad is guilting them into a position that makes things uncomfortable for them. Address it with them. This book will teach you how.
When they are in your home, continue to enforce the rules. Continue to provide a stable consistent enviroment for them.
Talk to a lawyer about the alienation. If BF wants to persue something in court, request that a guardian ad litem be assigned to the children so that their thoughts & feelings & testimonies can be brought before the court without them having to "take the stand".
We "took the high road" for 5 years & after 2 years of zero communication by choice of the kids, his son (turning 18 in July) is just beginning to make contact with him again. The damage that ensued through our years on the "high road" is something we will be struggling to mend & heal from for many many years to come. His daughter (14) still will have nothing to do with either of us. Don't let it go any farther than it has.
It's sad to think that parents willingly & eagerly put their ugly burdens on the shoulders of their children. Good luck to you & your wife...& the kids.
I second the suggestion for
I second the suggestion for "Divorce Poison." You might also do an internet search for parental alienation syndrome.
Divorce Poison is an
Divorce Poison is an excellent book with several great suggestions, tips, and resources for combating parental alienation/bad-mouthing/brainwashing. I can say as an adult who was alienated from my father by a very jealous and bitter mother, I wish that someone would have stopped her from doing what she did. My father took the "high road" and never addressed the situation (although as an adult I see his fault in the situation, too...he could have done something about it but didn't), so all we ever heard was "her" side of things. Her explanations, her reasons, and her feelings. She absolutely succeeded in taking away his relationship with his kids...but she also took away our relationship with our father - if that makes any sense. It isn't just the "other parents" that are damaged in the process of alienation. Take a stand for your step-kids because you might just be able to change things...they will appreciate it more than you will ever know! Good luck to you and your family!
Also, it really doesn't
Also, it really doesn't matter who bought the phones, electronic devices. Rules are rules. No phones, electronic devices after curfew. Take them away if the children won't abide the rules. Give them back the next day during their free time.
No matter what your wife says to this man, he is not going to treat you better. In fact, I would et it would only get worse for you and the children.
You can't control him, but you sure as heck can control what goes on in your own household.