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1st. time mom

dragonfly's picture

im pregnant w/ my first child (girl) and im very excited. my husband and i just got a new home and im looking forward to decorating baby's room. but there is one problem there are only 2 rooms in the house and my husband has an 8 year old daughter who is jealous of baby. i have always dreamed of having a baby and having a baby room but in the situation that im in i feel like i can't have what i want and that stresses me out so bad. sd spends every other weekend w/ us and barely plays in that room if not at all cause all she does is follow dad like a leech. tell me if im wrong but i feel like i deserve to enjoy my 1st. baby the way that i want to. i want to decorate that room for my baby and i also want to spend the 1st weeks after baby arrives with my husband and baby only because i want to be able to experiece that. not to be mean but i don't want spoiled sd to be getting in the way and trying to get all the attention when baby comes. please let me know if there is someone who feels the same way as i do or let me know if im being an evil stepmother.

Rae's picture

is there any way you can divide the one room your sd and baby will share? When I was young, I HAD to share a small room with my brother. We arranged the furniture so there were two sides, and made dividers so that each of us could decorate as we wanted. My side was kind of hippie and girlish, his was a typical messy boys room. My parents didn't have the money for anything more than a two room apt. so we had no choice and just made the best of it. And really, we didn't know anything else, so we weren't upset about it.

Maybe you can think creatively to come up with a cool girls room that is divided to where one half is baby, and one half is for older daughter. You can use a curtain, rug, beads, wooden standing divider, whatever to separate the spaces. Paint the walls on the baby's side in cute baby stuff. Let sd do her own side.

I really think you need to involve sd as much as possible and try your best to take her into your heart and treat her as an equal family member. It will lessen her resentment toward the new addition, and maybe, years later, your sd and bd will treat each other like full sisters do (good and bad Smile ). I would do everything I could to encourage that kind of thinking. They are sisters. You are all family. And live that way. SD is only 8. You have a lot of years to go with her, and everything you do now to integrate her into your family will pay off later.

I know you have your dreams of what would be perfect for you and your first baby, but you have to consider the costs and benefits to everyone's emotional health now and in the future. I think if you want to be happy and successful with your marriage and family through the years, you will need to integrate the sd as if she were your bd. You have an opportunity to do things now to make this happen, that you won't have a second chance at.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I'm a step-sister, half-sister and full-sister to siblings, as well as a SM and BM. It's easier on everyone if you can minimize the reasons for envy, jealousy, bitterness and just encourage as much as possible, love and tolerance.

Good luck to yoU!!!!

J2911Gal's picture

When my SO lived with me, we shared a 3 bedroom house. Not enough rooms for 3 kids. Ideally all would have had their own rooms but since his were much younger, 4 and 2, boy and girl. And also use to sharing a room at their BM's house. We decided to decorate their room with something they both loved. I chose a western theme. I found quilts of the same color, but one was scalloped, and the other more masculing. I gave her ruffle trimmed pillows and him straight edged. It helps that I was pretty crafty, but the room went together really well.
There are so many choices in themes, etc that you should be able to find something to tie the whole room together. Ask your SD what she likes and get creative. Take her with shopping etc. It might give you two a chance to bond. Good luck.

dragonfly's picture

so then u both think that decorating that room as a nursery is out of the question? don't think that im kicking my sd out of the room she has her own bed in there.

frustratedinMA's picture

I would decorate the room as a nursery. Leave the sd's bed in there.. but she should know that this child that you are having is living there 24/7/365, and so the room is PRIMARILY the baby's. The SD has a room at her BM's house.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. We have discussed a lot of items like this based on what I have read on here. We have agreed that whatever gender the baby is.. that determines which room becomes the nursery for the baby. We have 3 bedrooms and have skids that are both 9 and are a boy and a girl. We have the skids 2 nights a month. I will be painting either room a more baby pleasing color as that will be the baby's room. The skids' things will remain in the room, including their bed. They will also keep the bedding set they have previously picked out. I will have to have the skids downsize the toy stores in their rooms to accomodate a crib and baby changing table and the like.. (they have so many toys they dont even look at let alone play with).

I have not however discussed w/him how long we would go w/out the skids having their weekends after the baby first comes. I too would love some alone time w/my dh and the baby.. its a bonding time, and w/the skids, they are just too demanding of his every waking min. that I am sure the baby and I would go a bit neglected. Not to mention that my dh would have to go pick up the kids (over an hour away) as the BM NEVER drives them to us... so he would end up missing for 3 - 4 hrs the day he picks them up and drops them off.. and I would rather him w/me and the baby.

You are not being selfish. I think if we are all honest w/ourselves, we would all like to have a room for our child and some three on three time to bond. Just like we had always imagined it.

dragonfly's picture

thanks so much that is exactly what i wanted to hear. it feels good that im not the only one going through this you said sd is not with us all the time and when she is she tries to take over dad and i don't like that for the reason that when baby comes she will try even harder to get his attention and it will just be stressful for me when it should be a happy time. not that sd understands but she had her time as a baby with dad already and now it's our baby's time. but bm and both grandparents think that it should be the other way around. that my sd should have all the attention when baby is born so she doesnt feel bad. i don't understand these people because sd has younger ss and lots of cousins have they been babing her everytime a new baby comes to the family? these people think that kids should have control over grownups and that is just messed up.

Tiana12's picture


I am in the same situation as you except I have 2 step children SS 8 and SD10. We live in a 3 bedroom house and before baby they had a room each, step children sharing a room was not a option so here is what I did.

I did the baby's nursery just as I wanted, butterfly theme, lime green walls and hot pink butterflies. I then put a single bed in the room which is great for when I want to sleep with the little one on bad nights and brought storage boxes for under the bed with toys. as for her clothe she has a small cupboard behind the door. I tried to make it excitting and told her that as a big sister she had to sleep in the room and look after her. At first I thought it would be a problem but so far it's okay. my little girl is 5 months and SD8 gets very jelous but I always tell her that the baby will never replace her and that she is very special. Must tell you though that I would have loved for my precious little one to have a room of her own but unfortunetly that's life.
Good Luck! If you ever wnat to chat I'm here.

Anne 8102's picture

We are EOW, so no, my skids do not have their own anything at our house. They are supposed to be here 52 nights out of 365 nights in a year, but their mother has NEVER stuck to the EOW schedule. We get them IF she is feeling generous, which is almost NEVER. So no, we don't have anything special for them. They use the guest rooms, which are decorated for guests and not for anyone in particular. They bring their clothes in suitcases and whatever toys they want to play with, they bring with them. Our son and daughter live with us full time, so yes, we have their rooms decorated for them. But the skids live with their mom full time and that's where they have rooms specially decorated for THEM. Contrary to popular belief, children of divorce do not NEED two of everything.

As to the week off after the delivery... IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED THAT WEEK, THEN YOU MUST INSIST ON GETTING AT LEAST THAT WEEK! I breastfed both of mine, which I HIGHLY recommend, and those first couple of weeks are tricky. You really need some peace and quiet, not just to bond with your husband and baby, but to recover from the delivery, to get your head screwed back on straight, to let your hormones return to some level of normalcy, to get into a kind of routine and, most importantly, TO REST. My DH didn't even question this. He just said, "Let me know when you're ready to introduce BD to the rest of the kids and I'll arrange to get them for the weekend." Three weeks after she was born, I felt up to it and they came for the weekend. It went okay, because DH did EVERYTHING for EVERYONE and I didn't do anything but eat, sleep, nurse and bathe, but I was still totally exhausted by the time they left. When to bring other people around is something only YOU can decide. Stand firm on this one.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

dragonfly's picture

thank you all for your advice but now how do i tell my husband that i want the first weeks for ourselves without sd? if i have to convince him how do i do it?

Anne 8102's picture

You just tell him that you don't want to be too overwhelmed with "visitors" when you first come home. You need time to recover. There are all sorts of reasons you can give. Breastfeeding gave me a built-in excuse. Too much stress interferes with your milk letting down, so I said no visitors until she and I had established a good, solid nursing routine. Chances are that you'll be pretty sore afterwards, not to mention freaking tired. Look at him with your big puppy dog eyes and say sweetly, " Honey, I just gave birth. I need a little time!" Milk it for all it's worth. It doesn't last long. Wink

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

kathleen's picture

I understand your feelings about your child and wanting a room etc. I felt the same way. is how my experience panned out. First, my daughter slept in our room in the bed or in a co-sleeper for almost a year. She started going into her room for a few short months and then was back in our room on the floor. Still is, 2 1/2 years old. So, sometimes our images about how things are going to be just aren't. If you are anything like me, you'll want that baby close by.

As for being alone with your daughter and husband, I understand that too. It didn't work out that way but it was okay too. The biggest mistake I made though, was to not bring in my step-kids and introduce the baby and teach them how to be with her. I held back and didn't treat them like I would my own child with a new baby. We have ALOT of problems with the kids. I'm not saying it is just because I didn't included them and take them under my wing, alone. It would have made a big difference though.

So, first congratulations on having a new baby. Since we are new mom's joining a family that existed before us, all of our dreams and plans are not going to look the way we dreamed them to be from the time we were little girls. What I am trying to say is to not worry about the little things, open your heart to this baby and make room for everyone else. You probably won't even notice for a few months.

dragonfly's picture


kathleen's picture

I'm just saying that that room, the one I insisted on. The one with the chair, and crib etc. We didn't use it. I kicked my step son out of his room so that I could have a babies room. I moved the chair in my room and almost never used that "pretty" room.

You may do things differently and feel differently. With my step kids however, In hindsight I may have handled things differently and if I did, might have saved myself some heartache in the end.

dragonfly's picture

i finally told my husband that i don't want sd at home the first weeks after i give birth. to my surprise he took it well. AH! but i forgot about bm and what her reaction will be when she finds out about this. if she does find out the truth i know she's gonna flip because recently she ordered my husband to take my sd every weekend so he could spend more time with her before the baby arrived. who does she think she is our boss?

should my hd tell bm the truth or lie about it? and if he decides to tell the truth how should he explain thick headed bm? (not that i want him to expain himself to bm)