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I have been married to my husband going on 2 years but we have been together 3 years. I have a 21 year old who is in college in another state. My husband has custody of his 2 kids...

but, my issues is my 12 year old stepson....and him being disrespectful....i have ran out of things to try to do to change his attitude....i have constantly talked to his father....his father has talked to him but, it does not good....i am so sick of being tired....tht i am just lost.....sometimes i just want to be single again....without dealing with there anyone going through the same thing....

down and ready to run out

happy mom's picture

Maybe you need to sit him down and ask him what is bothering him, sometimes a person may have an issue about one thing and then take it out on other people. There's probably something he is not happy about, see if you can get it out of him to tell you both. If he's not comfortable telling you guys, then just reassure him that you both are there if he ever needs someone to talk to or help him deal with his problems, let him know that you care and love him very much and would be happy to help in any way that you can. Maybe then he can tell you, sometimes it takes time, the important thing is to reassure him that you are there. Hope this helps. Hang in there.

Kato's picture

I sent a card I made to my 12yr old SS in the mail as a little surprise. In it I wrote that I know life isn't awlays easy or goes the way we want, but I wanted him to know that I care very much about him and thanked him for being a very important member of our family. I told him I loved hiom - even when I seem grumpy about house chores, and even though I may not always tell him (but that I would make an effort to tell him more often)
I also have made a n extra effort in asking him questions and starting conversations about topics that he is iunterested in - like soccer and the World Cup at the moment! He really opens up and seems to be happy that I take the time to talk to him about things. Since I have changed my attitude towards him and showing more interest and love (even sometimes when I didn't feel it) he has really turned the corner with how he treats me.
Good luck! Talk to him - or write to him - from the heart and you can't go wrong!

Anonymous's picture

I am going through the same thing too. Married for 2 months, my husband and I have a 2 year old. My husband recently got custody of his 12 year old son in August. Stepson had been living with his maternal grandparents since the death of his mother when he was 1 year old. We've found that the problem with him is some type of mood/behavior disorder. He has issues about his mother being dead, not being raised by his father, jealous of me and our son, etc. He's been to several counselors but nothing has helped. He has violent outbursts and I'm concerned that he may try to harm me or my son, since we're "taking his dad's affection from him". He is very disrespectful towards me. He has cussed at me and called me an "itch" with a "B". He is failing most of his classes in school. I really don't see it getting any better. I hope that it does. I have already told my husband that if there is no improvement and he doesn't get some help with his issues, I am leaving with our son. I love my husband but I am in constant fear that he will hurt my son and frankly, I am not going to live in MY house and be disrespected by a 12 year old. If I had known the extent of my stepson's problems, I never would have married my husband. So...I know what you are going through. Just hang in there and I hope it gets better for you.

unknown's picture

i am sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. i can relate and in fact worry that my situation will escalate into what you are experiencing. my hubby and i have a 9 month old daughter, his 12 year old son from a different relationship is telling US that he's moving in with us this fall. he wants to escape his mother because he tells his dad and everyone that she's mean and strict and he's got this cinderalla complex which has become nauseating. he's moody (like your ss), he's emotionally manipulative and plays the 'poor me' card all the time even though we have all made great efforts to make sure he knows he's part of our family. he plays all the adults against each other (ie. tells his dad and grandmother that his mom is mean to him to get sympathy) and when he's at home with his mother, threatens her that he's moving in with his DAD. of course he wants to move in with us. when he visits, he has NO chores, no bedtime hour, no responsibilities and doesn't have any expectations placed on him. this is not my choice by the way, and it drives me nut. also, when he visits, he completely ignores his little sister even though she's at that age where she 'seeks' his attention and in fact i worry too, that he will harm her someday in a fit of moodiness or jealousy. he sulks so much and it doesn't help that not ONE adult holds him responsible or accountable for his attitude and behavior. i also have the added worry about the possibility of sexual abuse which i know can happen between stepsiblings if problems aren't dealt with. i can't talk about this with anyone because i'm viewed as being the evil stepmother, which by the way, i am tired of. no one seems to understand the challenges faced by women as the expectations are great that we 'automatically feel loving and nurturing toward all children regardless if they belong to us or not.' i can only suggest to you that you stand your ground. that you try to be sensitive and fair regarding your SS but your priority remains with your biological son. he needs you and your protection. if not from physical harm, then from the emotional harm that can transpire with such a volatile situation. i hope your husband supports you. good luck. i hope it works out...

lighthousegal's picture

What about the other child? How is the relationship with them? Do you get along ok or do you have the same problem?
Blending a family is not an easy task for sure. I know my SS had a hard time at first sharing his Dad. He tried every way he could at first to be the center of attention. He would cry and get very upset when I was around. Several times I was asked to leave, so that he would calm down. Finally we showed the kid just what he was missing, by not being a part of the group. When he saw that the rest of us were doing things without him, including his Dad, he changed his tune.
We really played up the the thing of doing things as a group. It worked for us.
I wish you luck!!

anncanbike's picture

Oh no!! My boy swins will be 12 in a month & its gonna get worse? Oh no! I have a birth 21 yr. old girl & never ever did she act or talk like they do. Boys vs. girls? I don't think so -- she could've sassed me & acted out but I had ZERO tolerance & had a christian household 100%. We loved eachother. Now in this house, never is going to church a possibility or praying, swins screaming the f- word & swins fighting/hitting eachother is the norm ... I am trying to change this atomosphere. These swins are going to get the Ash Wednesday lesson when I get home because for Lent I promised God I will not get mad at the swins. God will help me & I always do my Lenten promise. Its only 40 days. Last year I gave up drinking alcohol & it was a huge challenge. I was engaged to my alcoholic boyfriend whose been on the wagon almost 2 yrs. so it made sense then but I'm telling you gals, I need a stiff drink living with these swins & I can't drink again to support husband. So I'm turning to a higher power (and I ain't talking about husband here).

gobbism's picture

My FSS is 12 and it has helped for me to lower my expectations in some ways. A child goes through some pretty major changes around that age. I think one must remember that it will probably be pretty tough for at least a while. It might get worse.

I'm curious about what happened to HIPSTEPMOMOF2. Her stepson would be 13 or 14 now.

Anyway, in my situation, FH has been actively working on discipline. I think we could be doing better, but it's just an uphill climb no matter how you look at it. Lately, I have been pretty passive, I really try to leave it to FH, at least for now.

unknown's picture

what do i do? my 12 year old SS smears his snot on the walls and furniture in his bedroom (my furniture/bedding by the way). when i tell his dad this is unacceptable, he rolls his eyes and tells me that he thinks i don't like his son and that i am looking for things to give him a hard time about.

what the HELL do i say to dh about this now? maybe make him a snot sandwich and serve it to him tonight for supper?

Angel's picture

til he's 14. I heard on 20/20 that the angriest people on the earth are 14 year old boys!

I'd run sweetie.

Withheld's picture

I can relate. My stepson who lives with us part time is 14, but the size of a quarter back football player and eats as much too!
He is so rough on everything, broke my couch and loveseat (springs broken in the couch, frame on the loveseat broken) and also broke a solid wood rocking chair, get the picture. .....
Never taught manners or how to treat property or other people, he bulls his way through life (and sadly mine now) and doesn't give a crap. His dad (my husband) has talked to him and to no husband is also spineless and tells him to shape up or else...but the 'or else' never comes.
This kid will sit on furniture (he is 6 foot) by collapsing into it from a standing position....and he weighs about 250!!!
I am boiling mad at having my stuff destroyed (I brought the furniture into the marriage, I see now why theirs was garbage)
he can't walk through a room or hallway without bouncing off of the walls and knocking things off the walls, etc....I am sick of it, what to do?????? My husband has talked to him and he knows he destroys stuff yet promises he won't do it again and that he'll be easy on stuff, but he turns around and does it again!

Angel's picture

Is that you??????

Terrified of Step Kids's picture

Hi--what a helpful discussion. It is so nice to know there are others with similar problems. I was divorced for several years with twins, a daughter and a son. My husband and I met. We soon had a wonderful little baby of our own, so I now am a mom of three. My husband brought into our marriage 2 of his own children from his wife. They are also a daughter and son--ages right around my older two. My step-daughter can be very sweet. She seems depressed overall and is morbidly obese at only 15 years of age --weighing around 300 lbs. She has had emotional outbursts toward me, but at her baseline does have some sensitivity toward my feelings and others. She also is great with our youngest. My step-son I am sorry to say is a nightmare. He is 13 and the most angry person I have ever met. I have known my husband for 4+ years now and the amount of times he has verbally flipped out are too many to count. This past weekend however was the worst ever--totally out of the blue he shoved into me, twice, while I was going up some stairs. He went outside then and I got his dad to talk with him. When my husband/his dad went to speak with him, the boy tried to punch hime and tried to hit him with a piece of fire wood. He was unsuccesful as my husband blocked his attack, so the poor boy then went on to spit at his dad. He screamed for a few minutes (seemed like hours)--told his dad that he wishes his dad would die. He wishes that (indicated me) was also dead. Screamed that (indicated me) is a FU--in B____. He said we are a bunch of f'in a-holes. He just went on and on and cursed endlessly. My kids stayed away from him. My husband tells me he will not be having him to visit on the weekends--that he cannot be at our house, etc. My step-son also screamed that he never wants to see his dad or any of us again--and more of the same. I am scared and do not want to be around this boy at all. What really scares me is that he crossed over into physical contact/agression so quickly. He also is very good with guns, as the whole family hunts--but more important to him is his huge knife collection--of around 50--of all sizes. My husband's parents are close to both of the kids--and they are CLUELESS to all of this. They heard all of the yelling the other day--and went on to act like all was peachy when my husband tried to discuss it. What do I do??? Do I need any legal protection from this kid???
I feel very comfortabe and fine here at home, especially knowing that he won't be visiting here. How concerned should I be with all he said? Am I just being too worried/concerned or am I right to feel as I do? Thanks so much for any thoughts!