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Will we ever view our steps as our ‘own’?

Booqueen's picture

I think my partner thinks that I see SS as my own. I have tried to tell her that I don't see him that way. She says things like 'if anything happens to me, you must take care of him.' I've told her many times that it wouldn't happen. The orphanage will have to do. We've had this conversation so many times I think she's finally believing that that is what will happen. 
 

Once, when she thought something really bad had happened to him at school, she got very worked up and panicked and said something along the lines of 'we've got to protect him! He's our baby!' 
 

at that point... I knew then, that I'd never ever, see him the way she does. I care for him. And I will take care of him. But I don't feel the whole 'he's my baby I have to protect him at all cost' thing. What's this foreign feeling? I mean, will I knowingly put him in harm's way? Of course not! But will I kill myself to save him? Erm.... sorry but I don't think so. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Yikes. It sounds harsh when you put it that way but I get it. As a parent, if someone told me " the orphanage will handle it, peace" it would sting. However, as a step parent I say " amen". I honestly think it depends. Some people throw themselves into that role and genuinely feel that close bond and others don't. I never felt that bond but some do.

As a parent you can't expect someone else to feel the same way you do about your child no matter what. I think I would struggle with that personally if I were in her shoes. It's probably not what she wants to hear but it's best that you are open and honest about your feelings and involvement in his life. Does he have an involved dad? Assuming he does, she should not be asking you to take over if something happens to her. She also shouldn't be putting you in that place either. It's sort of weird. As a mom I would ask 100 family members before I would ask a boyfriend to care for my child. Even in a joking manner I wouldn't go there.

Mominit's picture

Your mileage may vary.  That is to say - some do, some don't, but that's irrelevant.  What is relevant is how YOU feel and how your partner feels, and whether there's a gap in expectations, or just a gap in "I wish".   

My DH and I knew very early on that we wanted each other to care for our childen as we do.  And if anything happened to DH when they were minors of course I would have taken them on, raised them as best I could, paid for their care and university etc.  Because they very quickly became "our" family, despite the fact that they have a BM and BD alive.  But that's us.  We knew what we wanted in a partner, and found each other.  But if we hadn't found a partner that matched our hopes and expectations...we would have just stayed single!

If she expects you to love them and raise them as your own, and that is not your expectation or wish for the relationship, one of you has to change your expectations, OR you need to go your separate ways.  She may learn to understand that you will care for them like a teacher or an adult, but you are not responsible for them, and have no intention of being a parent to them...or...she may decide that that's something she truly desires in a partner and since that is not something you're comfortable giving, you two are not the right match for the situation you find yourself in.

It's not good or bad.  There is no right decision.  You are entitled to say you do not want to step into a parent role.  She is entitled to say that that is a quality she is looking for in a partner and will not continue without that commitment.  I'm very lucky that my DH and I are on the same page and truly do view all of the children as "ours".    You may get there over time, but you likely won't if you insist on keeping yourself as separate as possible.  Or you may never view them as your own (most people on this site don't, but folks on this site are here for a reason, we're not exactly the "norm" of step parenting!).

Good luck!  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Very well put.

OP, please read and re-read this comment.

GrudgingSM's picture

I feel you. In fact I've not said the orphanage line, but I did say if DH got the kids full time I would leave. It's a hard thing to be honest about but necessary. What's strange to me is that you've tried to say some of this stuff before and she seems to not hear you, presumably because she doesn't want to or assumes you will change. Place a morE concrete boundary. Like say her parents need to be the next emergency contact on the list rather than you. If not that, find a line that's really clear rather than an abstract statement she can edit in her head. 

Winterglow's picture

"We've had this conversation so many times I think she's finally believing that that is what will happen."

What is her obsession with dying young? Does she have some kind of incurable disease that she's hiding from you? No? Then tell her to put a sock in it.

tog redux's picture

Your SO doesn't really seem to care about your feelings, which is the real problem here. 

shamds's picture

Sd(almost 27), ss23.5 and sd(almost 17) that as per their words their mum abandoned them but they're still doing her dirty work and bidding being disrespectful to me and our kids, shunning us and trying to play a fake 1 big happy family which served them no benefit

my husband told them that if he were no longer here tomorrow, who do they have? Their mum?? Because she certainly doesn't care about them? Who do they have to look up to? Absolutely no one because no one wants them after their horrible behaviour.

all my husband expects is i care for our 2 kids who are 4 & 5, he bought a home with his savings and its solely in my name as my husband figured if he dies tomorrow, i have 2 minors whose half siblings don't have their best interests at heart and my husband doesn't trust that they would ensure they were taken care of correctly in estate management.

He believes skids and exwife would try take everything by any means necessary including fraud. So right now lets say my husband died tomorrow, i have a home that skids will never set foot in, my kids don't even acknowledge them as siblings and our life will go on while skids play the whole poor pity me party

Thumper's picture

Some people claim they do. I believe their intent is pure.

However, they are not considering science AND thousands of years of family bonds..these bonds are deep in our dna. 

If you were to ask dh, do you love the kids who live down the street, LIKE your own kids? 

My best guess is he would look at your funny. He may go as far to say OF course I don't love those kid's like my own kids. . Thats a weird question to ask me. Why would you ask me that?

Wink bingo

 

 

sleepymeg's picture

I once told my BF I wanted to foster a child. His response: I wouldn't want to raise any child that wasn't my own.

But I'm supposed to love his daughter as my own and to suggest otherwise is offensive?

Oh, the irony.

shamds's picture

called my sil and bragged how i loved her kids like my own (after 1 meet with sd's) who apparently told bio mum what a lovely person i was/friendly etc after all the lies she spewed to skids.

my response after hearing hubby tell me what his sil said happened during bio mums call with sil, "why the hell am I expected to love someone else's unpleasant/disrespectful kids when they won't even love their own and disowned/abandoned and neglected them?"

its absolute hypocrisy 

Ki2619's picture

My husband really was hoping I would be the mom in the household to his kids and that's just not happening.  I tried to be the cool aunt type of parent but the kids are awkward and get uncomfortable easily.  I've been around them for 9 years.....the younger since she was 3. And they just don't want me to parent, plus I parent differently from my husband.  I have a son who is 18 and I don't expect him to be his dad.  He has a dad and my stepkids have a mom.  She may not be great and not want them all the time but it's still their mom and that's on my husband.  

Booqueen's picture

This morning when I stated clearly that I was not going to attempt to parent anymore, that I was stepping back because whatever effort I made with her kid, she is the enabler that rolls us back down the hill, she said 'maybe you should do it and I'll just stand back.' To that i said no way. Your kid, you parent. 

Would a bio parent ever know what it's like as a step? It's a thankless enough job as a bio parent, much worse as a step!

Winterglow's picture

"maybe you should do it and I'll just stand back."

Wow ... just wow. So, either she wants to shift the entire load of responsibilities onto you because she enjoys not having to do all the work OR she can't get her mind round the fact that you are not the kid's mother and never will be. Your response was perfect.

StepDad1991's picture

The best they can say is "we'll, if you had your own, you would have other problems".

So they're saying your life would suck without them anyway, so just deal with it.

For some reason, this never made me feel better.

StepDad1991's picture

She is wrong, wrong, wrong,  plain and simple.

If you are the discipliarian, you will be the SCXMBAG of the house - to everyone in the house (and to the BM and BF too - not that that really matters).

That's a bad position for you to be in, and shows how weak she is.

 

Biostep7777's picture

Nope. I will never view my stepkids as my own. I wouldn't leave them in the street homeless but I can barely stand to be around them most days nevermind view them as my own. Not even close! I definitely don't love them. I struggle to like them. They are just like their mother. Selfish, entitled, self centered, judgemental  and rude as hell. I care about them and I am kind to them and will take care of them but that's where it ends. They are just not nice people. HCBM thinks they are a joy! Literally nobody likes them. I think even my husband struggles because they just are nothing like us. We practice values like kindness, caring for others, following through on commitments, thinking of others feelings, volunteering, doing good deeds, lifting others up when they are down. These kids have NONE of these values. Zero. The opposite! I just don't like who they are BUT they are children. Can't really blame them. It's the way their mother raised them and they think DH is the bad guy for not putting up with their crap. It's quite the shit show. Lol!! So no...you are definitely not alone! 

Rags's picture

I have never had an issue raising SS-29 as my own.  His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo.  

He is mine.

However, I did have to put a flag on the hill of "if you don't like how I parent and discipline then step up and get it done before I have too".  There are hills that a SParent is willing to die on.   Those hills are different for every SParent.  For you that hill is not raising your SKid if your mate passes.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Your DW needs to listen.  Though if she is deceased it is a moot point.

Loxy's picture

Mismatched expectations are extremely common and counselling can really help with both sides understanding where the other is coming from and aligning expectations. It was life-changing for DH and me.

I think it's normal (albeit unrealistic) for the bio parent to want the SP to view the skid(s) as their own and to be a "family" but it's not always achievable. My DH certainly wanted that and I wanted that too initially but it all depends on bonding. Over time I was able to bond with my SS and I love him and definitely view him as my own (albeit in a somewhat different way to how I view my DS3). But (despite years and years of trying) I've never been able to bond with SD and I most definitely don't view her as my own - I would be so dissapointed if she was mine so I feel really glad she's not.

When I think about my family I think about my DH, SS and DS and SD is just someone I have to put up with a little longer until she's an adult. It's not ideal and not how I would have wanted it to be but you can't force bonding. However, unlike your partner who doesn't seem to listen to you at all, my DH understands and is very supportive. 

I would force counselling to work through those expectations and reach common ground. 

Booqueen's picture

Well, the need for counseling is not necessary anymore. I've left the relationship a week and half ago after she swore at me and told me to go find somewhere else to live. It happened because I asked her if she was with me so I could CP her son. I just wanted to have a conversation and she got angry. I guess it was selfish of me to not want to watch him so she could go out with her friends, but I was trying to explain and talk to her too. Oh well. 

Yellow glasses's picture

Good for you.

As always kids trump any rel for these people.

Missingme's picture

Unless her son considers you as his/a dad and acts lovingly towards you, no, you will never see him as your own. And that's okay. Just be straight with her and tell her that while you care about him, you don't love him, but will always treat him well. To ask someone to LOVE your kid is ridiculous, imo. Love is like a garden; with lots of care it will yield. If no care is given, it dies. Hmmm...I'm thinking I need to pursue poetry. LOL

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I have to admit I lol'd at "the orphanage will have to do." I say you send them both to the orphanage, and soon! 

THISAINTWORTHIT's picture

My SS is 15 and i've been his stepmom since he was 2 and i still don't feel like i genuinely love him. I'll protect, care for and guide him. But love him? Not really

StepDad1991's picture

The step parent, no matter how hard he/she tries, can never make the effort, feeling, etc., reciprocal.

An adult's relationship with another adult will only work (flourish?) if effort is made by both. If not, the relationship dies.

I think, from the outsider's perspective, the step parent is expected to think of the skid as their own - you are seen as a monster if you say otherwise.

However, there is no reciprocal expectation of the skids - after all, they didn't ask us to be in their lives, they didn't ask for their parents to get divorced, they didn't ask to be put in the shitstorm, and they are only kids. I see the rationale behind the statement, but that doen't make for a relationship.

So if the schild doesn't have a need for another Mom or Dad (why would they?) then they will never bond with the step parent, and the step parent can never bond with them - for some reason that seemingly self-evident fact is lost on many biological parents married to a step parent.

You can not make a step parent magically love a stepchild any more than you can force a step child to love a step parent.

And if you ask the bio parent to help you with the relationship, well, you can guess what happens next...

Relationships are a two-way street....