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Will I ever feel like family?

Stressed0ut's picture

  This is my first time posting. I am in desperate need of advice. I am 20 with a 23 yo old boyfriend. We’ve been together three years. He has a 9 yo son who lives with his bio mother in another state- he goes and visits his son quite often but I haven’t met him yet due to family drama. 

  I’ve always dreamed of being a mother and within the next five years I wanted to have a child. I have a good job and supportive family etc. My boyfriend said he didn’t want another kid at the beginning of our relationship but halfway through when I said he wanted one he said he did too... but he is never excited about it. He has a been there done that attitude and I’m worried if I have a child with him he will either regret it and treat our child differently or he will not act excited during my pregnancy and I’ll be going through it alone. The only thing he said was that he missed a lot of stuff with his son because he was in school and he wasn’t able to give him a lot and wanted to do better with our baby. But my first reaction to that was that my baby would be our their own person and we would be a family.. our child just would be his do over because he messed up and wanted to try again.  He says nothing can compare to your first child, but I don’t want my child to be second best because he already has a child. I already feel like I’ve missed a lot of firsts, and feel a bit second best myself as he’s lived with her, got engaged, got a house together etc, and it’s stupid but I just feel like I’ll never have any of that. He says it’s not as exciting as it’s made to be so I don’t need to worry about it but I’ve wanted those things in my life. When I think about trying for a baby I want to plan for a nursery and be excited.. and he just says that when we want to have a baby that we just will..  

  He is fighting for custody now and hopefully I’ll be able to spend time with his child and I’m nervous about that to. What if he hates me? Will I ever feel like a part of this family? I feel scared about the future. I know if I have a child with him they will be shunned by their paternal grandparents. Will these feelings ever go away? I love him but I’m scared things won’t work out. Am I being unreasonable? Does anyone have experience with having their first baby with someone who already has a child? Any tips for meeting a 9yo for the first time? Do you all believe that their will be any sibling relationship between a 12-15 year old and a potential new baby? 

 

  

MrsStepMom's picture

Why the F are you 20 and with someone who a.) has a kid at 14!?  Insane and wrong and b.) is wushu washy about having kids when you want them. A second kid does not, for anyone who really wants kids, illicit a “been there done that” response. 

Fuerher, do not get involved with someone who has kids, ever. Read the horrors on this site. Especially don’t at 20. Wanting to have kids is not reason enough. You should be focusing on a degree, your own independence and having fun. I wanted kids young but let me tell you, it’s better to wait a bit. And guess what, I wouldn’t listen to that at your age either, but it’s reality. You are a baby and just too young for all of this. You will end up alone raising a child If you get pregnant. Young marriages success rate is low enough. Add a baby and it’s near zero. Add a stepkid and there’s maybe one couple thay worked. 

Get out of this now and live your own life. Honestly it should really disturb you that he had a kid at 14! That should disturb you that a 13 year old is having sex. Something is wrong with him inside. That’s inane. Let alone his shit attitude. He doesn’t really want a kid right now or is too young to even know for sure. I’m guessing you have a good job for 20. Do you have a degree? At 20 probably not. That job won’t be so good in 10 years when you aren’t making much more and promotions are limited due to your lack of education. Babies are expensive. Especially alone. I can promise you’ll be doing it alone and fighting to her any support financially from him. Better yourself and find someone better and slow down. You don’t even know yourself outside of him yet. You will change. A lot. I’m not disparaging you I’m giving you real life from someone who knows. 

Stressed0ut's picture

I appreciate your advice! I do have a degree. I did college classes in high school and graduated with an A.A. now I have a bachelors working towards a masters (but I am taking a small break). I’ve had problems with my health that my doctor says could effect my fertility severely as I get older so I do feel a bit of a time crunch. And it’s weird that you say he doesn’t want kids and stuff because until recently he was pushing the idea and really wanted to get married and was asking me to get off my birth control and now that I want it.. it feels kind of like he’s punishing me. It fefintelty gives me something to think about . Thanks! 

Letti.R's picture

Nevermind anything else, explain to me how you are already in a Masters programme at 20?
At what age did you graduate high school and how long was your undergraduate degree - full time outside of HS?
 

Stressed0ut's picture

I started taking college classes in the ninth grade full time! My high school offered dual enrollment so the state paid for my classes for free. I could be a lot further ahead but I sucked at math so it took me more time. And I recently earned my bachelors and the next step is my masters! I’m so excited. 

MrsStepMom's picture

Wow. Smarty pants. Smile That’s awesome! Don’t let this douche derail you! You have a lot of ambition clearly. 

justmakingthebest's picture

My son is on the same path educationally that you were on. I am so excited for him and congratulations to you! I love seeing young people with drive to succeed in life!!

Back you your situation though... While you are on a path for great things in life your BF has made some pretty big mistakes. I realize that a condom break in high school could have meant that the same thing (ish- 14 is pretty fraking young) could have happened to a number of people on this board. I totally believe in moving past mistakes and doing more with your life. I believe that people can rise up against the odds and when faced with hardships can push through and become better people. So, I am not saying that your BF isn't a good person who made a mistake while young. 

What I am saying is that your BF sees another child as a burden. Not as "good" as his first. I was married to my kids father when I had both my children. We were just as over the moon for the 1st as we were for our 2nd. Each child is amazing and a gift when they are born from parents that want them.

notasm3's picture

I graduated from college at 20 and so did at least a dozen of my friends. Some of us finished college in 3 years. Others finished high school early.   I easily could have finished high school earlier which would have had me graduating college at 19. 

Stressed0ut's picture

Did your high school offer a program like mine? I found it so much better than attending regular high school. 

MrsStepMom's picture

Oh and no, it won’t be successful t have a teen with a baby. It won’t even be successful to have a relationship with your boyfriend with a teen. It will be screaming and disrespect and insanity. It will not work and you’ll be dreaming of running away. Not one part of this will work. 

It would be great if love was enough to make a relationship work. We believe it is from fairy tales and movies. It is not. Love is the one thing you need to start it. The love also must come with respect, wanting the same things, stability, and so much more. Love ebbs and flows in a long relationship but life keeps going. Many people don’t succeed no matter how much love they have because the other things don’t work. 

Stressed0ut's picture

Thanks for your help. Why can’t things ever be easy?! The first comments I’m getting are already confirming my fears!! 

MrsStepMom's picture

DO NOT get off birth control. DO NOT marry him but if you do DO NOT get off birth control until you do. Easy with step children does not exist. It is just how it works. Add the age you are dealing with (currently 9) and it is 100% worse. They resent you, BM has issues with you, you don't have a say in the end regarding their discipline, they deal with normal teenager attitudes. It is just bad bad bad. What do they say in that movie, He's Just Not That Into You, YOU ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION, YOU ARE THE RULE. Sure for some people it works, but that is the exception. Some people win the lottery too but probably not going to happen.

Do you know how near impossible it will be to get your degrees with a newborn. It probably won't happen. I am not saying you can't, people do it if they really want to, but it is insane difficult and that is when you have financial stability (who will watch the baby while you are in class or studying?) Can you afford that child care? Doubtful, it's insanely expensive. Also people who stop have a very low rate of going back to school. It doesn't sound like you have a very supportive partner so I doubt he will follow through with all the child care while you go to school. How will you study while working and having a screaming infant and screaming teenager at home? He will be screaming, trust me.

Stressed0ut's picture

I’m not lucky at all! So if I can get the worst possible scenario I will! And just to reassure everyone reading I’m not a complete idiot I have planned some things out. I’m sure raising a child would be difficult but my parents are ready for me to have a child. They are retired and ready for the day they can spend the days with their first grand baby! They’ve already agreed to baby sitting. I also have a friend who says if I have a baby I can get free childcare at the daycare she owns! I also have a pretty sizeable inheritance that was granted to me when I turned 18. I also own my own house and vehicle. I don’t want anyone to think I’m broke living month to month planning on having a baby. This is definitely something I have thought about. I know it’s alwaus harder than what you expect but I just didn’t want readers to think I was planning on bringing a baby into a barely getting by situation. 

MrsStepMom's picture

I still think you are too young and this guy wont be around so you would be doing this alone.

notarelative's picture

While everything might work out, you need to be prepared for it not to. Grandparents may find that child care is more difficult than they remember, their health may decline. Friend may need a paying client to take the space she said was yours. Etc. You need to be prepared to look for day care you have to pay for. Life doesn't always follow what you planned.

2nd wives club's picture

My DD had her first baby when she was 20 and she was able to get her bachelor's degree eventually, but it was a tough gig. Fortunately she has an amazing supportive husband. 

Get your degree first before you have babies. You're young and have plenty of time. Don't rush it. Babies are very expensive especially if you have to pay for daycare/nanny services. Don't let your boyfriend's timeline dictate yours. It doesn't matter if his kid is 20/30/40 when yours is born, IMO. 

Stressed0ut's picture

Thanks! I definitely will continue schooling for awhile longer. While I think I could do it continuing my education would give me more time to assess my situation. Also congratulations to your daughter on her degree! 

2nd wives club's picture

Also wanted to add that you may, and probably will, regret not sowing your wild oats before having kids. Hon, you're not even legal drinking age. Have some fun and travel and enjoy your youth. 

tog redux's picture

Why will his parents shun your child?

I give your BF credit for still being in his child's life when he created that child at only 14, BUT, this sounds like a toxic stew you are entering.

Give a lot of thought to whether you want to find a guy who doesn't have this baggage. I know you will say, "But i love him!"  In the end, love is often not enough to overcome the drama that comes with his baggage.

Stressed0ut's picture

His parents want them to get back together. Bio mother actually lives in a house my boyfriends parents bought for her. His mom and her are bffs and she’s invited to every family function- therefore I’m not allowed to be there. They said if we got married they wouldn’t attend and if we had a kid it would be no grandchild of theirs. Not what I imagined for a child of mine. Everyone wants fun grandparents! 

SteppedOut's picture

Seriously? Do you really have such low self worth? This is what you want for your children?!! 

Please don't accept this horrible situation (it IS horrible, ok) as your life and your future children's life!! 

You are so young and so driven! (Degree- have plans for further education.) It sounds like you have a lot to offer a GOOD partner (your bf does not sound like a good partner, not at all). 

By the way... what does your bf do for a living? Has he gone to college and have a good clear vision of his career (like you)?

Stressed0ut's picture

He dropped out of high school as soon as he could to raise his son. He currently works at Subway. 

MrsStepMom's picture

So he wouldn't even provide child support, insurance, etc. Oh god no. He had a kid at 14 and is a HS drop out and works at a fast food place. Those are all reasons enough to never even go on a date with someone let alone marry or have a kid with them. YOU will be supporting him, a child, and his child, your whole life. NO NONO! Have higher standards. This guy is the actual defention of a loser.

Stressed0ut's picture

I just saw it as a date! Who knew it’d go this far!! He doesn’t pay child support to his kids mom. I hate to be mean. I don’t want to judge him on those things. 

MrsStepMom's picture

It’s great not to judge people in life but you better damn well judge someone’s choices when you are sharing your life with them. He consistently makes stupid as Fack decisions and is in no way a good option for anyone. 

SteppedOut's picture

Oh? I thought he dropped out of high school...to support his kid....but doesn't pay child support? 

Ok.

Stressed0ut's picture

I don’t know why I typed doesn’t.. he does pay child support** and he does send money to her every now and then beyond what he is required.  I apologize. 

SteppedOut's picture

The chance that your bf will get custody flipped is slim to none. And he will spend a literal fortune trying. 

Stressed0ut's picture

BM is currently facing prison time for fraud, along with an entire slew of other things I can’t remember. She has been in and out of jail.  I’m hoping he gets custody if that’s what he really wants. 

MrsStepMom's picture

This child would benefit most from being adopted by a family who can support him since your boyfriend never will be able to and obviously neithr can BM. I hope the state steps in and takes the child and rehomes him frankly.

notarelative's picture

He has a 9 yo son who lives with his bio mother in another state...

 I’m hoping he gets custody if that’s what he really wants.

If the BM is in jail, and BF is listed as the father on the birth certificate, and he has been paying child support, and visiting regularly....if he has done all of those, he has a shot at custody. 

Then realize that with custody comes responsibility and expenses.

But

My boyfriend asked why I didn’t do that for his son...

I try my best to help him make ends meet when paychecks are short.

Red flag. Red flag flying. Red flag waving. See the red flag.

You are not married. You are not even engaged. And he is already using you for money for his child. Run. Run now. Do not get pregnant with this guy. Run.

You are 20. There are lots of great guys out there. Dump this guy and give yourself the chance to find one.

 

 

sunshinex's picture

This sounds like an awful situation.

I got started with my husband, then boyfriend, when I was 18 and let me tell you, it was DIFFICULT. 

I had so many ambitions and I had to push back hard to make them happen. Why? Because when you're with someone with a child, everyone assumes the child's needs come first. Everyone says it's not fair not to babysit when your partner goes to work (at their minimum wage job because they had a child young and didn't accomplish anything). Everyone says it's not fair to make them get a second job to pay their fair share. Everyone says it's not fair to not accept the child because they're a package deal. 

All I wanted was to focus on my work (which is quite successful) and get raises, promotions, travel, etc. but literally everyone around me thought I was being unfair and horrible. I said screw it and did it anyway. Luckily, my husband was more understanding than most but you’ll see on here how many bio parents expect stepparents to give up everything for their children. 

Don’t do this. Especially with the situation where his family won’t accept you and any future child you have. You’ll be in for a world of hurt. You will love your child and it will kill you that his family doesn’t accept their grandchild/niece/etc. 

Plus, if he’s working at subway and you’re more accomplished/working a better career, you’ll be stuck paying for all of your child’s needs PLUS his if his child comes to live/visit you. And that will frustrate you.

Trust me, I’m living this right now. I love my husband and we have a strong relationship and put each other first. But I am much more accomplished and I’m the breadwinner, which means I can’t spoil my son without having to buy things for his daughter too. I'm still trying to figure out how to buy my toddler the electric ride-on car I always wanted my future child to have (I wanted one really bad as a kid lol) without having to buy her something of the same price. It sucks. 

You look at your child and want them to have the world - you want to shower them with love and affection. Then you have another child standing there with their hand out because they know all the adults in their life have to be "fair" and how dare any adult in their life buy something for their own child without buying them something. How dare any adult in their life take their own child out to dinner without taking them. It sucks. I just want time with my own child. 

Stressed0ut's picture

This is exactly what I needed. What you described is how I envisioned my life. It’s so nice to hear someone confirm what I imagined my life to be if I had kids with him. I was honestly hoping I’d hear good stories or that I could make it work or whatever but I kind of had a gut feeling that if I have this much anxiety and resentment or the mix of 1000 different emotions I already feel before a baby even existed what would happen when these problems actually arise. 

sunshinex's picture

Oh girl, the anxiety and resentment gets so much worse after you have a baby. You have very strong biological maternal instincts pushing you to focus everything, all your resources, on your child. Throughout pregnancy, I could barely look at my stepdaughter, who LIVES with me full-time, even though we had a good relationship prior. When she went into my perfectly designed and clean nursery, my skin crawled. When she touched my baby's toys before he was even alive to open them, it drove me insane. I just wanted everything to be perfect but as long as she was there, nothing was perfect. 

I remember her stealing a toy from my baby's room when he was only a couple months old and I was SO ANGRY it's not even explainable. I felt hurt because my baby was too young to even PLAY with his toys, and here's this child, that I already have to buy toys for and she doesn't take care of them, taking my baby's things before he even gets a chance to get bigger and enjoy them. It sounds unreasonable but those hormones after-birth and during pregnancy make you feel crazy. 

Even now, I get so annoyed when he gets a new toy and she tries to take it from him to play with it herself. He gets upset (he's only 17 months) and I just want to scream. I mean, I get it, she's a kid too (7 years) and she's just doing what kids do. Logically, that all makes sense. But god damn, I want my child to have things for himself. The WORST thing is that he's becoming a toddler, and it's incredible to see, just little things like the fact that he tries to put his shoes on or tries to go down slides. 

When I take him places to watch/marvel in the fact that my baby is becoming a little boy (it really is crazy, the transition from baby to toddler - incredibly really), I have to take her too. If I don't, I'm being "unfair" which makes sense, but once we get there, she tries to monopolize all my attention. There's no nice way to tell a 7-year-old "I'm here to watch my toddler explore and imagine, leave me alone!" but that's all I want to do. 

It's hard when you want so badly to enjoy moments with your child but you can't because "it's not fair." I get that I sound like a mean stepmom right now. I do. But trust me, I bottle all of this up. SD and I seemingly have a good relationship on the surface. I provide for her, take care of her, etc. I just want you to understand how difficult it truly is - having your first child and that entire experience be minimized constantly. 

Stressed0ut's picture

I cannot even imagine what you are going through! I was worried this would be my situation. Honestly I’m a planner, and my boyfriend is not. I have planned stuff for my future child, for example I add to a bank account created by my parents to help pay for a college education for my child one day. My boyfriend asked why I didn’t do that for his son... well it’s because I don’t even know your child yet and he has two parents that can do that for him. Thank you so much for telling me your experience. It’s hard for me to want a child when I know the experience of it would be “diminished” if you will by having to care for someone else’s child. Thank you.

sunshinex's picture

Having a child is incredible. I love my son more than anything in the world. He's been a blessing. But if you have the option, get out and find a man who doesn't already have a child. Start fresh with a first for BOTH of you. If he's already asking why you haven't planned an education fund when he himself doesn't have one, that's a huge red flag.

beebeel's picture

My DH became a dad at 15, so I was going to reserve judgment on your bf until I learned more. Sadly, I read that he's a dropout working at Subway. 

My DH dropped out of HS as well...to get his GED to join the military at 17. He went to war so he could provide for his kids. What the hell has your bf done in NINE years to prove he's even stable enough to care for the kid he has?!? Don't even think about having a child with this "man" until he can figure his shit out and be a father to the child he already has. He certainly hasn't been providing for the kid on his subway wages. 

Girl, you've been rocking your five year plan while this guy probably doesn't think five days ahead. Please don't sacrifice your promising future on someone who will only drag you down. 

 

Stressed0ut's picture

Thank you for the encouragement! And dang, apparently your husband has his stuff together!! Hopefully one day my boyfriend will get his stuff together too. I have been pressuring him to get his GED and do something he actually wants to do with his life. 

MrsStepMom's picture

Also remember. You love him but there is more, greater love out there for you. Someone who will provide you with all the love and support and non drama you could imagine. You just have to wait for it. I don’t regret any of my loves but I’m glad I waited for the right love. You learn so much about yourself as you grow and what you want now is going to change so much. Your 20s will completely redefine you as a person, and then it will happen all over again in your 30s and 40s....

Don’t let someone else’s choices define your life at such a young age. 

 

Also, I’d pay any amount of child support, lottery winnings, you name it, to not deal with my teenage stepchild. He is the one truly unhappy part of my life. Awful? Maybe but many many people’s realities. 

Kiwi_koala's picture

Oh my gosh you have your whole life ahead of you. This guy is going to bring you down because you're not on the same playing field, not even close. Your boyfriend makes really poor choices. Does he acknowledge this? He had a baby as a 14 year old?!!!!! He never got a stable job? Now BM might be in jail for an extended period of time. This is a mess. I am well versed in land of screwed up boyfriends. My boyfriend has six kids 12 and under, 4 with his still legal wife and 2 with an ex gf. My boyfriend married his wife full well knowing that it was a mistake and because of his "religion" kept having kids despite her not wanting more after their first two girls. Then they got in a huge fight and he left her while she was pregnant. He then started dating a 17 year old and several months later she was pregnant, had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again had the baby and they broke up a few times. That's when I met him. We were friends at the time. Then he got back together with her and she got pregnant again and they broke up a few months later. My boyfriend made horrible decisions and this was a man in his twenties. I honestly don't want to be with him anymore because his situation embarrasses me and I realized I can't deal with it. I'm a normal young woman who grew up in the suburbs with a seemingly normal standard life. You seem like a really nice, sweet ambitious young woman. Stick to your goals and find a worthy partner. 

Stressed0ut's picture

We’ve fought about it just because he seems to be king can’t make a good choice. And oh my goodness, I couldn’t imagine dealing with one kid that wasn’t mine let alone 6!! 

Harry's picture

You said BF is not paying CS.  BM, or if BM goes to jail the state will sue your BF for CS and back CS for nine years.

40 hours a week at $10 a hour. $400 25% is 100 a week. Times 52 weeks is $5200 x ten years is $50,000.  Your BF can own $50,000 in back CS. Give or take a few thousand 

justmakingthebest's picture

Gotta take interest and penalties into account. It is probably already closer to $60K....

twoviewpoints's picture

Strange. Seems rather silly to me that your BF's parents (paternal grandparents)would encourage their teen (who is now a father to a child at the ripe old age of 14) to quit school and work at subway.... and there he still is at age 23.

No CS being paid... even after quitting school to 'support' his new child. Weird. 

Yet they buy houses for BM and they want their son to get back together with BM ( who perhaps may be going to prison, lol) . 

And now a custody battle. On subway wages. Amazing. But I can't understand why a 'battle' would be necessary. Just wait for Mommy to be carted away and locked u and then the child would be offered by state to go to the father.

Subway must be paying very very well these days and have lots of employee vacation days if your BF can afford to go visit his son often who lives with his mother out of state and far away. 

Oh well, good luck in your career and the rest of your life. 

SteppedOut's picture

Indeed!

Stressed0ut's picture

I corrected my other post. He does pay child support!! And some extra too here and there. and I’m helping support him to get his kid. He and his mom also were not on good terms when he was going to school and he moved out at an early age and stayed at friends houses. He didn’t have as much opportunity as I did and I feel bad for judging him on his lack of education. Subway allows him to take as much unpaid leave as he wants and I try my best to help him make ends meet when paychecks are short. 

MrsStepMom's picture

Good lord for a smart girl you are being really stupid here. Do not give him money. Do not support him. Yes judge someone who works at Subway as a career and unpaid time off is hardly helpful for someone taking your fing money. Wtf. Get head out of butt. 

Thumper's picture

I think you and your 23 yr old boy friend with a 9 year old son,  are a match MADE in Heaven.

Common sense far exceeds the value of a degree.

Good Luck to ya!!!

 

 

Rags's picture

Your SO is a moron.  I am nearly 25 years into my second marriage. I had no children in my first marriage.  I dodged a bullet by not polluting my gene pool with that cavern crotched adulterous skank whore.

My incredible bride of nearly 25 years brought our son to the relationship on day one.  She had him when she was 16.  She and I met when he was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo.

I am 11.5 years older than she is.  I am 55 and she will turn 44 this year.   Though I was married before, purchased a home before, etc, etc, etc... I had never done any of those things with my bride so... everything we have done together since we married is our first time doing those things together. Even if I have done it many times before.

When our son launched and we became empty nesters, it was our first time experiencing that. When not long after he joined this USAF his mom and I moved overseas, it was out first time experiencing that together. Even though I grew up there and we lived less than 5 miles from the house I grew up in.  It was our first.  

Rather than discounting everything that the two of you will experience together for the first time as something he has done before he needs to see it all as what it is. Your first time experiencing those things together.

If he cannot do that, he is not the person you need to invest one second more into making a life with.  You are young.  You do not need to waste your life on an asshole who does not look forward to every new experience he will have with you even if it is something he has done before without you.

He has burdened his life with baggage that he has carried since he was 14 and that he will never  be free of.  He has a child and a baby mama that will both interfere in your relationship as long as you remain in that relationship.  If you were not 20yo with an incredible life in front of you I would give slightly different advice. Since you a 20yo young woman with no baggage, I advise you to leave this toxic turd behind you and make a life with someone who will see every day with you as an exciting first.

Take care of you. 

Rags's picture

On your education.  Congratulations on your AA and your Bachelors degree.  Lol.  My university studies are the polar opposite of yours. Though I too was in a dual enrollment HS/JC program, back in the dark ages, I didn't complete my AS.    

Ultimately my undergrad career spanned 11yrs, 7 colleges/universities, and 7 different majors.  I finished my BS in Engineering two weeks after my 30th birthday.  I was in class each semester for every semester of that 11 years.  Not always full time but I was always a student.    It took me another 6 years to complete my Masters.

My bride and I met during the last semester of my 11yr undergrad adventure and her first semester out of high school.  We married 5mos after I finished my BS.  Since then she has completed a dual major BS, we both have completed an MBA and we both hold professional certifications and licenses.   We did all of that while raising my SS-26 together.   He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.

You should be excited about Grad school.  You are a dynamic and accomplished young woman.  Your at an amazing stage in your life that is the foundation of what has every probability of being an incredible life.   From your description your SO has no chance of being a equity life partner to you as you take on your incredible life.

While there are certainly some parallels between my situation and yours at the beginning of my relationship with my bride and the beginning of your relationship with your hopefully STBX SO there are also some important differences.  My wife was a young single teen mom, your SO was an even younger single teen dad.  My bride had the baggage of a toddler and a baby daddy/SpermClan that we had to deal with from day one in our relationship.  Your SO has a pre-teen and a baby mama that you have to deal with.

The primary difference is that my bride was the CP and we were not burdened with paying CS or accommodating SS when he visited our home. Our home was always his home.  My wife and I were also always committed to supporting each other in the accomplishment of our personal education and professional goals. We approached those as our joint goals.

Your SO apparently sees his life as his own with his prior experiences trumping the experiences he could be having as firsts for the two of you together.

Do not sacrifice  your incredible future on the alter of this guys poor past decisions.  Find a partner that will approach each day with you as a new first... together.

 

Jane1Doe's picture

It's too long to put here, just know it's been a ride. It started late in my 23rd year, I am now 25. 

You sound like an exceptionally intelligent woman, and I know your heart has the best of intentions. Step parenting isn't for the faint of heart, we take a lot of blows. And though I am no longer in that position, I remember all the frustrations and curve balls very distinctly.

This isn't to say you're weak. Because you're not. I don't feel that you and your mate are on the same page, let a lone the same book. He may agree on the addition of a child, but I feel that your expectations and goals are vastly different. 

Please see the world. It's hard to break away. I wanted a child with my ex partner, and by the end of it, I was just in the relationship for the child he had presently. It was torture. I don't know your entire situation in detail, but just find yourself all over again. In the two months I have been single, I have changed exponentially, and grown enormously. 

Don't spend your years like this. I think children are wonderful, and sometimes we luck out with having these kids touch our lives, but at the end of the day, sometimes the fact is is that their bio parents just can't get with it, and we can't sacrifice our lives waiting for them to do so. 

You sound incredibly loving, and smart and ambitious. Please keep finding and growing. Love yourself, because it's so easy to lose yourself to all of this. Even if it happens a step at a time, or you decide to leave in the next 10 minutes, keep yourself in mind. Do it for you because you deserve to find fulfillment in life. I hope you'll keep us updated, and if it helps, you're more than welcome to read through my (sometimes lengthy) story. Good luck ❤