Why can’t I just tell him and his kids to get out?
Hello,
This is my first post on this forum. I have been reading others' posts and they have been helpful to know that I am not alone in my situation. My boyfriend of 3 years has an almost 4-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son. They are with us 3 days a week and every other weekend. I get along well with the son and other than some minor annoyances here and there I am fine with him, but I have been having major issues with the daughter.
My boyfriend is a strict but loving parent to his 12-year-old son. They have fun together but he also has boundaries and expectations of good behavior. Although there is some extent of this with the 4-year-old daughter, it is definitely not the same. He would walk over hot coals in order to solve a minor annoyance for her. He buys her things constantly and sets up our lives and our household to please her.
When they first started staying here with me (my house, I own it and he moved in), he would stay in her room in her bed with her at night. I finally lost it and asked that he have a separate bed in her room versus sleep with her. He is doing this but she does not have a bedtime. She goes to sleep at 1am sometimes. She absolutely will not be in a room alone and whines constantly if he even gets up to go to the bathroom and she is alone in the room for five minutes. The sound of her whining has started to make me want to put my face through a glass window. He has not tried to establish a bedtime and I do not see any evidence of him trying to ever have her sleep alone and actually be able to be with me in our room. His son was allowed to co-sleep until he was 9 years old, I am expecting 5 more years of this.
I was doing a decent job of being kind and nice and trying to befriend the daughter and make her like me. I figured I knew going in he had kids and this was my burden to bear. Then, two months ago my boyfriend told me a year ago he slept with his ex-wife. He wasn't planning on telling me but they have a court case going on regarding custody and he thought it would come out so he'd better tell me. He lied to me, very successfully, for a year. We have started talking to a counselor but I have found that I am now very short with the daughter. I look at her and I see his ex. When he hugs her or goes to sleep in her room it makes me see red. I recognize they are different people but I don't know how to do this. Before, I felt like I could manage to be nice to the daughter and deal with whatever issues I may have because he was worth it. But he isn't worth it, he is a lying, cheating nothing and I don't want to be with him anymore. I want him and his kids gone and I never want to see him again. My question is: why can't I kick him out? What is stopping me? I haven't asked him to leave but I fantasize about his being gone all the time. ALL the time. I know I would be a lot happier without him. I don't love him or even like him, I am getting nothing out of the relationship and I actually crave being alone. What is wrong with me, why can't I ask him to get out already? Has anyone dealt with this before?
Easier said than done
if I had to take a guess, you're subconsciously either afraid of the idea of change, how your bf will react, or both. Too many people stay in toxic relationships for far too long because it's so easy to see when it's happening to other people, but completely different once you realize it is happening to you and you need to leave the relationship.
Regardless of what is holding you back, that lying cheater needs to get out ASAP so you can start healing. I hope this site is able to provide you with the support and guidance you need. Welcome to the site and best of luck!
Welcome to the site!
It took me years to exit my first marriage - way longer than it should have. It's hard to give up on a relationship in which you have invested yourself, emotionally speaking - and leaves you with a lot of difficult feelings. If you feel stuck, I would have a few sessions alone with a counsellor, who will hopefully enable you to untangle what is stopping you asking your boyfriend and his whiney mini-wife to leave - I feel certain that in your case it will only take 2 or 3 sessions. Another thought is that your bf has absolutely no boundaries whatsoever, either with his daughter or with his ex - and has somewhat infected you with this approach.
FEAR is what keeps people
FEAR is what keeps people stuck. Sort out what that fear is, and the way out will be clear. A therapist might help.
I'm not sure what you're afraid of. You sound like you may be
a "people pleaser" and those type personalities do have trouble with confrontation (that's why many of us are here, our husband's fall into this category).
You most definitely have the upper hand, and while fear may be what is holding you back you have nothing to be afraid of. It's YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES. You get to say who and what comes into your home, stayes or goes.
I realize it's tough to kick someone out, especially with their kids in tow, but that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. THEY ARE YOUR PROBLEM. Eliminate it and get on with your life.
An excellent resource, "Do It Afraid" is very good at giving one the tools needed to get through tough times and make the right decisions.
Not a healthy solution, but I
Not a healthy solution, but I'd go eff some dude at a bar (safely) and then see if you can kick him out.
I'm only half joking. Sometimes doing something definitive that "forces" your hand can jumpstart the process. Other, likely healthier, options would be to order a moving truck 60 days out and tell your BF he has until that day to get out. Or, if you have the option to move, setting up your own moving truck date.
It's hard. I knew before marrying my XH that it was a bad idea to get married. I did it anyway, and stayed for 3 years. I didn't exit in the most healthy way possible, but I did find that talking to some trusted folks about leaving, coming up with a script in my head of what I would say (some people write letters instead), and having an exit strategy (moved in with my dad) helped me to finally tell XH I was done.
And I slept with someone else, but again, not exactly the healthy approach, though it worked as intended.
Are you afraid of being alone
Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid you cant pay the rent OR support yourself without his pay check? Are you afraid no one will have you IF you are single?
Are you and boyfriend engaged yet?
People are commited to their
People are commited to their pain. It is your pain. As miserable as you are, you are more frightened of the unknown.
I pursue the new and adventurous. I don't struggle with this isse. Though I put a ton of work into attempting to salvage my first marriage, when I reached my limit, I was thrilled to get on with life with my serially adulterous whore of an XW wallowing in the cesspool she created for herself while I got on with an amazing life.
Be good to you, call a locksmith the rekey the locks and hire a packing service to pack their crap and leave it on the curb. Text your X that you have packed his stuff and he can get it out front any time before the next trash day. Then it is on him.
Get on with your life. Find a partner who makes you and the relationship his priority, one who is not incestuous with his failed family progeny, and who is capable and committed to be your equity life partner.
Take care of you.
Follow-up
Hello everyone, thank you for your comments. I am ashamed to say I am still here. We did try therapy (some individual and some couples) and I didn't find it to be helpful; additionally, I am very financially strained right now and I really couldn't continue paying for it. He would sit during the session smiling and nodding at everything and saying nothing confrontational and then when it was over he would spend two hours explaining why everything I said was wrong and how pathetic I am for wanting someone to feel sorry for me.
I don't count on my boyfriend for anything financially. I pay all the house bills. I try to have him buy all groceries for when the kids are here but I definitely bear the larger burden financially. It wouldn't hurt me financially (would actually help me) to have him gone.
The sleeping arrangement with his daughter has vastly improved. He has her sleeping in her own bed and own room now. It helped me immensely, I was happy to see the change and to see him try. So that's good.
What is bad is that I am SO angry all the time, still. It has been six months since I learned about the cheating and it feels like it is still completely raw. If I bring anything up or cry or are unhappy in any way he says "I can't just apologize all the time, you need to figure out a way to move on." He won't hug me or console me or anything if I am upset, he just stands nearby glaring at me or leaves the room.
I know the right answer is to leave. I rehearse it over and over again in my head how I am going to tell him to leave and never come back, and then when I actually talk to him I find myself saying things like "I want it to work and I want us to be happy." I don't think that's even true, why am I doing this?
Get Tough
Love yourself more. Your cheatin' bf with skids to boot is a liability not an asset.
Easy "Buh bye" and show him the door.
It sounds like you are a pleaser and say to please. STOP NOW. Give yourself more credit. Just think how fun life is where you dont have to worry what your cheatin BF is up too. You no longer have to fake nice to skids. Dream big hun, then live large.
oopsey doopsey
I posted twice