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Which is better?

TheBrightSide's picture

So I'm dating again. Nothing serious. Just dating.

Seeing two men currently. Only a couple of dates. Both handsome and intelligent. Both are professionals and successful in their respective careers.

I'm going to continue to date both. (Note: for propriety, I'm not having sex with either of them...just dating, coffee, dinner, lunches, hand holding and kissing).

Just curious....

If all things were equal......which one would be better?

The one with a 5 year old daughter or

The other with two 12 year old boys.

Disneyfan's picture

Gender and ages are not enough to go on. You have to see how they parent. If have to find out if the have their crap together in regards to court orders and BMs.

thinkthrice's picture

THIS! I recently checked out out of 11 choices, 2 had no kids. Out of those 2, 1 seemed successful.

Peony329's picture

So I read this comment about 5 times over and over to validate that leaving step-life will be best for me in the long run. I've been having a lot of remorse about leaving a marriage (even though it was warranted as my husband showed narcissistic and controlling tendencies, magnified when I brought up how I was struggling with step-life), but I sometimes come back to this forum and am reminded that my future self will thank me someday.

Peony329's picture

Indigo, our divorce is final next Thursday. I thought I'd be bursting with excitement, but I'm actually feeling a bit remorseful and sad. After all, a divorce is a loss to be mourned. Whenever I do think of all the negative emotions I felt surrounding Step-life, I DO feel happiness and remind myself that this is the right decision.

TheBrightSide's picture

I know. Its still early. Of course there are SOOOOO many other factors. This post was intended to be a little light hearted.

To be truthful, and having been married to a man with a daughter....two pre-teen boys would be better...if all things were equal. all comes down to the man. Not the children or the exes, but the man. How does he parent? How is he as a partner? How effective is he in navigating his relationship with his ex? Is he a good person? How does he prioritize his relationships? Is he ready for a relationship?

For now...its just dating. And dating is awesome. No complications. Just the excitement of the newness of it all. So, for now, I'll enjoy them both and see it for what it is. Its just dating.

Aeron's picture

Would need more information. Both have pros and cons. If all things are equal in the ability to parent then things to consider are time and money and relationships.

The 12 you age out sooner, but there are two of them. What is required by CO and what will dad feel the need to provide. Cars, college? Boys often but not always feel less possessive of dad for themselves but might feel his new relationship is a bigger betrayal of the BM.

The 5 year old will be under CO longer. And of course more years of parenting. Again, what is court ordered and what will dad feel the need to provide? College, car, wedding?

Then there's the consideration of the exes. Are they equally calm or equally crazy? Is there PAS? How will you connect with the kids. You may adore one twin and despise the other and feel ambivalent towards the girl.

You say if all things are equal.... So just from the idea that all the money output will be equal in both, the BMs are the same level of sane or crazy... But the time will not be equal. There will be 7 extra years of basically "in the house" time if we assume things are equal in launching.

stepmonster, the book, suggests that adolescence is the worst time to enter into a blended family dynamic which would favor the younger. However, girls are often more resistant to a stepmother and feel more competition.

TheBrightSide's picture

We all know that even adult children cause issues for steps. There is a forum on here dedicated to adult step children.

If only it were that easy to find a man without children at all. (I'm in my mid-40s)

I went out on 2 dates with a very successful guy without children. Date one was great. Date two wasn't. He was an hour late for our 2nd date, he drove way over the speed limit down the highway in his convertible (gawd, the middle aged convertible thing was so cliche). And honestly, I wasn't physically attracted.

Also, 3 dates with a younger, successful, super handsome guy..again no kids. All he wanted was to get into my pants. I also think he may have had a drug problem.

Dating after 40 is easy.
Its like riding a bike.
But the bike is on fire.
And the ground is on fire.
Everything is on fire.
Because you're in hell.

SM12's picture

Boys for sure!! I have been SM to both and I would pick boys anyday!
SD's hit the pre-teen age and are HORRIBLE! Boys just end up getting busy with sports and go do their own thing.

But, clearly a man with NO KIDS is ideal.
I dated a guy with no kids, great career and loved the same things I did. Too bad we had ZERO chemistry at all.
I tried...but he just didn't turn me on at all.

misSTEP's picture

A lot would have to do with the BM in each situation. Batshit crazy or just slightly off her rocker?? }:)

Maxwell09's picture

From my situation I say boys a preferable to girls, starting in the infant years is better than starting anywhere between 4-18, but most importantly how does the Dad parent, what's the visitation schedule, and how is the BM (normal, crazy, still attached, bitter, addict, bum, boundary-hopper, etc).

Pro about the girl: she's only one
Pro about the boys: they aren't emotionally draining girls AND they will age out sooner.

Last In Line's picture

I also vote for 2 boys. A single female child means she has never been expected to share daddy with ANYONE.

So_Annoyed's picture

Two Boys by a long shot. Boys are much easier and usually drama free. Girls are HARD. I have a SD13, and it's a constant battle. I knew teen girls and grown women could be bitches, but now I'm seeing that it starts very early in some.

Superstarfish's picture

Must agree. Mine is 6. Told me the other day for the first time " you are not my mother" and " I hate you" - I had asked her to walk on the pavement and not in the middle of the road. Luckily I was prepared for this attack. I reckon there is more competition between a stepmum and a daughter.

Indigo's picture

Two boys. Absolutely.

Assuming that in your fantasy dating world BF is a sane, sober, cognizant male who is willing to parent with boundaries. In my experience, most males who are sober, sane, etc do not breed accidentally or on-purpose with craziness. If they do, those boundaries can be enforced to protect their children, themselves and any new SO.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Find a third one without kids! Don't get into this mess if you can avoid it....

If you read this blog you will see why.

The extended/blended family rarely works and the result is various forms of a lifetime of dysfunction.

If you do not have kids, refuse to go out with men who do. Be VERY'll be glad you were, in the end.

Superstarfish's picture

Hi there! I am so pleased you are getting in touch with us before its too late (Oxytocin etc etc). I have a step daughter that age. Read up on the mini wife syndrome, something quite common with daughters of divorced couples. Personally I cant stand watching them shower together, massage each other, kiss on the mouth and sleep in the same bed. Something you wont encounter with the boys. But might be different for everybody. Good luck with the dating Smile Starfish

Disillusioned's picture

Personally if both guys were equal, I would go for the one with two boys hands down.

SD's and SM's can more easily have rocky relationships (some skids, and some SM's, think they are competing with each other) especially if the girl is an only child

Now it doesn't mean all SD's and SM's are like that, I have a great relationship with my YSD, who also happens to be a total daddy's girl and his golden child for sure, but it's okay LOL

This child could be great with no issues and you and her have lots of time to bond as she is so young, and the boys although older and male could be total nightmares too haha

Would need to know more about each situation before really offering advice, just basing this on my own experience with two SD's and what I generally hear from step-parents regarding SD's

TheBrightSide's picture

I think the one with the two boys is another one of those guys who just wants to get laid. Don't get me wrong, I want to get laid too, but not JUST get laid.

Damn, the one with the 5 year old daughter is now in the lead.... Just my damn luck. I married a man who had a 6 year old daughter....and that went well....(insert sarcastic tone here).

If I could sum it up....I want to be with someone who I can respect. Someone who challenges me. Someone who is smart and kind and beautiful, and good in bed and realizes how freaking awesome I am and how lucky he is to be with me with a sane ex and nice kids, if kids should exist. Christ, I might as well be a nun, cause its never going to happen. Sigh.

ajp1999's picture

I don't think the age or gender matters. What matters is how your partner treats you. How well can he balance his kids, his ex and you.? Will you feel like a priority if you were to get serious.? Will he listen to you and take your thoughts into consideration?? Or does the new man need to just focus on his kids/ex/etc?? It really depends on the man. Dating at our age is cake. There are plenty of good men out there. I'm struggling to choose between several men as well at the moment and two of them have no kids!! Good luck!

Rags's picture

Ceteris Paribus... neither. But... if you are hell bent on continuing to see men with minor kids..... make your decision based on the kids. Which kids are well behaved?