DISENGAGE! Take your life back because you will never fix it. You only have 1 more year before the boot comes out (Sorry, adult children do not live with you. Of course skid can have 3 months to save for an apartment but no more.)

Let your GF handle all things skids. Grades, chores, social life, all of it.

Instead, enjoy your life with your GF. Go out to dinner, dates etc as if skid does not exist. You could fight and argue until you are blue in the face and NOTHING will change. So why bother. 

DO NOT ALLOW SKID TO TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE AND IN TURN RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. 

You have all the power - do not fund anything for skid. Do not interact. Nada. Believe me, it took years for me to get to this point. And I have to say it is eye opening. 

You are describing my SD14.

She does nothing, absolutely nothing.  Comes home from school, makes herself some food (I guess she does clean this mostly up about 60% of the time w/out asking but doesn't clean the counter and drops food everywhere), gets into her PJs, does homework if she has it and is then online until past 10 at night.  She gets home at 3:00.  Doesn't bring in mail, doesn't empty/load dishwasher, nothing.  Lays there and then complains she's cold or she aches or whatever...gets out of helping clean up dinner all the time.  And you know what?  I DON'T CARE.

Because DH doesn't care. I cannot care more than DH does.  I can care that her room isn't so messy it smells or attracts vermin.  I can care that nothing is damaged and the stove is actually turned off after she cooks, but her personal decisions?  NADA.  School?  She does well at but I really don't care overall, I'm not involved at all - I used to be, but not any longer.

I do not pay for most groceries when they are with us, I don't buy any extras due to her picky eating.  Nothing.  I don't do it.  We all go out to eat then DH pays if it's his idea.  Empty containers in fridge and in pantry?  Either leave them nicely lined up on ONE shelf (do not take care of them yourself, ever) or just leave them as is and let your GF pick them up.  I do not bother and I do not replace items left empty (this goes for my DH too BTW).

And she's leaving at 18?  Right?  This must be discussed now if you haven't addressed this topic yet.  I have already let my DH know exactly how I feel about 18 yos living with us - she can stay if needed but there will be a lease and rent and required cleaning and if not, she's out.  And when SD12 is 18?  We sell the house, move and downsize.  No discussions.  You have thought about her turning 18 but is your GF willing to discuss it?  And the undermining of your decisions and support is a killer - DH did that to me for a while, then I disengaged.  I don't get a say then I don't say or help at all.  That's it, done, no $ no support. 

If you really want to stay with GF you need to collect yourself, think about what you really want, read about disengagement, talk with her (no arguments), and only then make up your mind.  You aren't married so that's a good start.

A lot of this stuff sounds like typical 14-year-old stuff. The fact that no one is civilizing the kid, though, means it will eventually be 22, 24-year-old behavior in your house.

But because it's not your 14-year-old, you can only do so much to force a change. And yet, you are responsible for the kid's homework checks? That's like having all the responsibility with none of the authority. No thanks! That's a chump situation.

I have no idea why people play house before they know what it will entail. Baffling. But whatever.

You aren't going to change that situation after all these years, so it's up to you to figure out if you can live with it. And plan long-term -- I agree that SK will never launch at the current rate.

Next time, don't shack up before you are willing to commit for life. It makes extricating much easier (for everyone).

skin.

So, do  you want to make a life with someone who is an abject parental failure, having to deal with the result of her failure for the rest of your life?  To SP or not to SP?.... that is the question.

You won't fix a 17yo and for sure you won't fix her mother.  So... what is the motivator to stay in the relationship?   While my own marriage history is a mixed bag.. the first one crashed and burned... but the second one is looking good so far at nearly 24 years and counting ... there are a few things that my bride and I have agreed on and remain commited to. 1.  Our marriage comes first.  That commitment is the ONLY top priority.  2.  Nothing is allowed to interfere in that priority. Not the Skid, not either of our respective families, not work, nothin.  Period.  3. While not the priority within our marriage the Skid is, or more accurately was, the top responsibility.  Primarily that meant raising him, growing him into a viable adult of character and capability, and launching him into the world to either soar or crash and burn on his own accord.  So far .... 7 years post launch... he is soaring.  That has only happened because my bride and I have mostly remained in agreement that if we are equity life partners that makes me an equity parent to any spawn in our home regardless of spawn biology.  Since SS is an only child in our marriage..... that keeps the equity parent thing pretty simple. 

His mom and I still have a great and close relationship with him.... though not geographically close as we spent 7 years as Expats while he was getting his adult life rolling, and now that he is on his own Expat adventure his mom and I are in the states.  But... we do remain close and a big part of each other's lives.

It can be done... if your SO will gain clarity that you and the relationship are and must remain her top priority as you must make her.  The Skid.... needs to have the platform lit under her so she launches... what  happens after that... is primarily up to her.

 If your So doesn't like how you discipline and parent then she can step up and get it done before you have to.  However, the parenting should happen. So, set the standards of behavior and performance in YOUR home and inforce those standards. If SD-17 doesn't like it... she can GTFO.  The same applies to your SO.  She can step up and get it done before you have to, she can have your back, or she can GTFO.  Their ability to survive without your income is irrelevent.  You have the big stick... so use it to manage your relationship.  Cut off the internet and cell phone plans. That should get the attention of the 17yo. If they don't make any money to pay for it themselves... tough shit.  They comply with reasonable standards of behavior appropriate for their roles in the family or they leave.

Just MHO of course.

Good luck.

I've spent the last year and a half wondering if I am crazy for being baffled that teenagers literally want to do nothing but play video games on the couch. I hear about all these kids starting business and discovering new species and doing good in the world and I look at the 2 SKs and I am so disappointed and sad for them. What on earth are they going to become. Awful and hard to watch.

Well, you can say you tried!

Yes, you could have left weeks ago, but you can still leave now!

If you paid for the whole vacation you planned on going, would it be possible for you to go with friends or family? In any case, I can understand the temptation to wait until after the vacation, but I don't know how much you would enjoy that time if you know you are about to leave...

I’m new to this site and just saw your post...I have similar frustrations with my BF and his kids, although my situation is not nearly as bad. Either way, I’m curious how things went on your vacay, and the status now??