what's it like?
been with bf for over 5yrs, he has an 11yrold every other wkend sometimes more whenever he wants. we are both in our early thirties. much to my dismay, he decided to open a business and spend his savings doing it. now he works all the time, and is trying to get the business off the ground, so it's made money tight. i work fulltime and have a good job. i'm wanting a baby, but i question how it would be in this type of situation knowing that the father has already experienced pregnancy/parenthood. i'm also concerned about my bf's parents, since they currently only have one grandchild and everything is all about that child. I'm not that close with my bf's child or his family. this all concerns me. i think that i would have already started a family by now if i weren't with a man that already had one. i have held off because of my concerns. are 2nd family children really treated as second class due to all the instability and existing baggage due to the broken first family?
i'm worried my future children may suffer financially and possibly emotionally due to his first child and all the guilt that surrounds that broken family. if anyone has any experience or input, it would be appreciated. 
I do not financially support
I do not financially support him.
My child gets better
My child gets better emotionally and financially because he is actually with my dh all the time (and has a good Mom that's me) and is just a nicer person than his sbrother so naturally more enjoyable to be around for grandparents. Yet I know it can vary. If you have a child have him because you want him and intend to love him with all your heart without expectations about what everyone else's relationship will be with him, that will only set yourself up for disappointment.
good point about having a
good point about having a child because i intend to love him and not expectations about others relationship with my child. i need to remember that perspective more. thank you
"i have held off because of
"i have held off because of my concerns. are 2nd family children really treated as second class due to all the instability and existing baggage due to the broken first family?"
And you keep investing in this guy and in this relationship ... .why exactly?
If you do not want to be the retread baby mama and for your own children to be second class kids for their father then quit investing in this relationship, boot this guy to the curb, and put yourself on the path of an exciting new opportunity to find someone who will make you and the children you will have together the only priority.
You have already decided that you do not want your own children to be short changed by this man's prior family yet you continue to do the same crap over and over again regarding this guy and his family.
Commit to yourself.
Take care of you. Make yourself and your own future children your priority rather than this guy and his prior family that in all likelihood you are not now nor ever will be a part of.
My little Chucky (SS stb is
My little Chucky (SS stb
is the top dog in my husbands family. He is their first born male heir, who can do no wrong.
It doesn't bother me as my husband loves the girls. We have an ours and I have a first born. We relished every moment of our babies arrival. Every single moment was special as it was our moment together and about us. My husband was at every oby visit, took time off work for the birth of our daughter.
I don't for one minute feel my second born got any less love and attention than our first. What the rest of his family does is their business. We as a unit are what matters.
I out earn my husband and have done so from day 1. He's catching up to me though and doing wonderfully in his career. He's more driven and looks to equal and eventually out earn me.
Due to his high maintenance I often cover more than he does. I don't mind it. We are a team and in our marriage together. After 5 years together and almost 1 year married, I have no doubts I made the right decision.
He is my partner, best friend, lover and my heart. Is he perfect? No. Can he be a complete numpty when it comes to Chucky? Yes. It NEVER detracts from his love for me and mine for him. His commitment to me and our family unit is unquestionable.
Take a step back and evaluate your relationship and your partners commitment to you. They cannot control what their families do but they can show us we matter.
I dated my DH knowing that I
I dated my DH knowing that I didn't want kids. Had I wanted kids, I wouldn't have been with him to begin with. Not because of him, just because of the situation.
i have held off because of my concerns
This should tell you something. Listen to your gut. You have been with him for 5 years and something about him and the situation is giving you doubt about starting a family with him. Trust yourself.
i am not supporting him no.
i am not supporting him no.
my concern of my future child being 2nd is also in relation to my bf...because he is so used to doting on and spoiling his only child/first born, and his child is used to be the only child and is now 11yrsold. more than a decade of all attention going to his kid.
what is in it for me you ask....hmm....that's a good question. i suppose a potentially loving devoted father to my future kid and potentially a good husband to myself. he is always a "nice guy", however i don't feel like a real priority most of the time (i don't feel a strong desire from him for me, not like i have felt from other men in my past but perhaps that's because we have been together so long?). i'm unsure of how strong our relationship together really is either, or how close our bond really is. we're both very civil and reserved people, we almost stay together more out of obligation and familiarity, rather than passion, fulfillment, and a shared life together. we have the "adult" thing down pat, we both work a lot, and when we actually do have free time to ourselves...it sometimes feels like we would rather be somewhere else than spending time alone together. i get that feeling from him, and i also feel that feeling myself.
perhaps i should figure my relationship out first lol
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interesting. you're probably
interesting. you're probably right. thanks for your input
^^^ exactly. I truly believe
^^^ exactly. I truly believe one of the only reasons my DH & I made it through some stuff & continue working to make it through stuff, is because we are in love with each other. We want each other & desire each other: physically, emotionally, & mentally. I don't see how people make it in a relationship without that passion for each other. I don't think my DH & I would've made it this far without it. I'd be really sketchy about getting more serious with someone I didn't have that guttural feeling for. & NO time isn't an indicator. My parents still pae at each other all these years later, still kiss, etc. You deserve passion & to feel wanted.
i might add, he expresses no
i might add, he expresses no personal strong desire in telling me how important i am, or of wanting more children. i broach the topic of children often with him, he is on board if i am.....but unlike other childless men in my past who express great interest in wanting a family, he unfortunately does not. he just says it's up to me. he is more invested in his business than anything right now, that's why i was against him starting it at this time in our lives, yet he decided to anyway.
It doesn't sound like you're
It doesn't sound like you're in love with each other any more. Having a baby won't change that. Work at being in love again or bow out & find someone else to have a baby with while you still can. Fertility & likelihood of miscarriage, things to consider & educate yourself on if you're near 35. I agree with everyone else, on not having a baby with someone that isn't adamant about having one with you.
If he's always laid back, yeah whatever about everything & never very articulate, I'd say to him I need to know YOU actually want this with me, because ME alone wanting this isn't enough. If you still get nothing or whatever, don't do it. Don't you want to be with someone that is overjoyed at the thought of starting a family with you? That can't wait for baby making sex? Don't miss out on that, you deserve that.
& don't settle, you deserve to be wanted & you deserve what you want out of life. I had cancer when I was in my late 20s (I'm fine now), anything can happen at any time. Don't hold off for ifs & whens. Don't put your life on hold or settle. You deserve what you want right now. Right now is what matters, because we never know when this journey will end. Don't settle for less than what you want out of life. Don't waste time, & thus waste your life, on someone that you aren't in love with.