Hi all,

This is my first post here and I feel both shy and lost, but I I think I need to vent so here it goes... Will try to keep it as short as possible, but I can't promise anything. Advice would be much appreciated

My partner has 4 children (now aged 16, 14 and 7-year-old twins, boy and girl) from his previous relationship, which was always very toxic. My partner and his ex had a one night stand, she got pregnant, and they tried to start a family. I know, right? Stupid. But anyway, that's how things went on 16 years ago. My partner never loved her, there wasn't much respect in their relationship, shouting was a normal thing... But still, they ended up having 4 children. I'll focus on the twins here to make it shorter, and because we spend more time with them.

The thing is, they're absolute brats. I know me saying this is awful, but it's true. It's obvious they aren't used to being told "NO", they don't know about respect, accountability, manners... They're lovely if they do what they want, but as you know, that's not how life works... They're spoiled brats, and they measure love in material things as well as with getting away with whatever they want (I mean, if you let them do/have what they want, you're lovely, but if you don't, you're mean). They even have personal phones with free access to the internet, since they were only 6! I still can't believe it... Anyway, my partner, their daddy, doesn't aprove and like that, but we only get them twice a week and the BM has stopped him from seeing them lots of times before, so I think he's a bit scared and cautious as to what he does... He tries to set rules and boundaries, but sometimes he ends up just giving up... Most times from my point of view, which causes some tension and strain in our relationship. 

The children get the most horrible tantrums for nothing, they start shouting, they shout at their daddy to "shut up"... Even when it's time to go to school for instance, and their daddy tells them "come on, leave that, we have to leave now" they'd answer with a super loud and disrespectful "NO!!!". Absolute disrespect. I don't even know how to put it here. Now, I was brought up in a totally different environment; respect was sacred. Nobody talked like that to anybody. Not because of fear of reprisal, but because... RESPECT. My parents weren't very strict tbh, just clear in their values and principles. Whatever disagreement, whatever the issue, we'd talk and try to convince or understand the other. And we'd have dinner together, TV off... We had a set of rules but very basic and common-sense, if you know what I mean. But these children... They're exactly the opposite. So as you all can imagine... I suffer. I suffer so much. I understand where they're coming from, but still. I suffer. 

I started interfering and trying to "parent", explain this and that, tell them "there's no shouting in this house" and things like that, mildly but surely, but my partner asked me not to interfere and to leave it to him, so that he'd be "the bad guy" and it couldn't cause more problems with his ex (who is a narcicistic, liar, manipulative person who's trying to make my life hell since our relationship, btw). So I tried to disengage, but I can't... This is my house too, and minimal respect is a boundary for me. I don't want this shouting and disrespecting in my life. I'm OK with teaching them, leading, showing, being patient, etc, but this... This is another level.

But that's not the end of it. The real problem for me comes when I look at the future. The first thing, of course, is: can I live like this, even if they only come twice a week? But my partner and I are talking about having children ourselves, and that levels up my concerns. I wouldn't want my children to have that bad influence. I wouldn't like them to be brought up seeing those things, hearing that talking, shouting... I wouldn't like my children feeling that they're being treated in a different way from their step-siblings in our house (because once my first child was born I'd set a very clear set of rules and boundaries at home).

I feel overwhelmed every time they're here, I feel angry and sad, I feel I can't really do anything to better our lives (theirs included, because I consider that's not a way of rising any child...). I've started suffering from anxiety, and also doubting if I should stay in this relationship. I try to talk to my partner, but he seems trapped in the situation and even though he suffers too, I don't think he has a real willpower, determination and clarity to fight this. He's not much of a talker either... I don't know. I don't know if I could make this work in the long run without losing my mind. Any thoughts?