What I didnt know about skids... (info for anyone new to dating a person with kids)
I have to preface this by saying this is solely from my experience and perception, and may not be true for every one. I just wanted to inform unsuspecting singles of some harsh realities about skids. You may justify that it's not that bad bc they only come over every other weekend, but trust me, those weekends can be long, they have school breaks, long holidays, and the occasional vacation the BM decides to take, etc. It's hard, and if I would have known these things I may have thought twice about getting involved. If anyone can add anything, please feel free. Also, I'm typing off the top of my head so forgive me if my grammar is incorrect.
1. THEY ALWAYS WANT SOMETHING.
At any time for every reason. Whether it's money, a ride, a phone, to fix their car, for school, attention, whatever. It gets worse as they get older, and you don't have a choice whether it's justified or not. Oh you can speak your opinion, but usually it won't be welcomed; and your SO will either listen and resent you for it, or they'll do it anyway, so it's best to just keep your thoughts to yourself.
2. THEY WILL EAT YOUR FOOD. You have a gallon of your favorite ice cream in the freezer, eat it before they get there, bc it will gone. I've seriously thought about a mini fridge in my room with a lock. Or find good hiding spots. Sounds bad, but true.
Probably the best advice I got...
3. IF IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU DIRECTLY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
The operative word here is directly. So they haven't brushed their teeth in 3 days, or they call your SO bc they need something for school at 9:00 pm and they have to have it the next morning so he drives all over God's creation to get it to them; not your problem. But if they come over and throw their crap in the hallway, leave wrappers laying around, or borrow your stuff without asking, then speak up. And sometimes it's hard to tell which battle you want to pick, and you may not know that something bothers you right away. Because, in reality, everything effects you indirectly. It may be your car and gas that's used to pick them up, or your vacation money thats's needed bc of the 10 cavities they have, but you have be choosey about the battles you pick; and the fewer the better.
4. THE BIO PARENT CAN BE YOUR BIGGEST ASSET.
Now don't get me wrong, tread very lightely here. You've heard keep friends close; enemies closer? The other bio parent is not and shouldn't be your friend, and NEVER divulge details about your relationship no matter how cool they are. Keep them at arms length, but sometimes you need validation. What I mean by that is if the battle you choose to pick with the skids is also an expectation at their other house, then u know you're not being unreasonable and it's nothing new.
5. LEAVE THE DISCIPLINING TO YOUR SO.
This kind of goes with #3. Unless you are the only adult responsible for them at the time, you should leave reprimands and punishments for your SO to carry out. They lose respect for you and they won't listen to you. Well, they may listen and go through the motions, but don't expect anything to change unless the bio parent enforces it. All you can do really is talk to your SO what the issue is and hope they do something about it. If they don't, you have to bite your tongue. Because if you go into that battle solo, you will lose every time.
I'm sure there's more. I feel bad sometimes bc the skids didn't ask to be in this situation, and they don't have to like me. They just want their parents. They can't help that they're annoying little turds that leave messes and take up space. But time will tell if it was all worth it, but I love my DH dearly, and ultimately he has good kids. But it doesn't stop the feeling of wishing i could afford a hotel or had somewhere to go for the weekend when they are here.
Thank you for reading. 
If I would add two
If I would add two things;
Never allow for yourself to pay and bare the burden of the financial responsibility for any skids unless you don't care. Because you will begin to resent paying for others offspring.
Never allow your bedroom to be entered or used. Ever!! This is your only space your only safe haven never give it up unless you have somewhere else to sleep, relax,ignore and just have one room in your home not filled with skids!!!!
Oh never get involved if BM is always on the phone or in person all the time that is just asking for hell!!!
I know these because like scouts or girls guides I've earned my badges in these! Never again!!!
So is it a bad idea to tell
So is it a bad idea to tell them that you're backing off so they aren't assuming it's going to get done? What I'm dealing with now is the kitchen is a disaster. I'm constantly cleaning it, and telling the skids to put their damn dishes in the freakin dishwasher, which doesn't happen bc their dad doesn't do it. I don't mind cleaning up after my DH but irritates the crap out of me to clean up after skids.
To add to OP's #2...I found
To add to OP's #2...I found myself being forced to develop a taste for flavors that I knew the kids didn't like in order to be able to have sweets in the house that wouldn't be devoured by them. Now I only eat dark chocolates and cherry flavored ice cream at home. I also hide sweets in my bedroom.
To add to #4...I never talk to BM, but I found that having my therapist was a huge asset. It wasn't just that I had someone to vent to, but that DH would ask me how my appointments went and I could tell him what my therapist thought of whatever current disagreement we were having. Having a third person who was a professional backing me up and providing validation got him to be less defensive when I would tell him something about the kids that bothered me.
In addition, only move into a house/apartment with them that has multiple bathrooms, so you don't have to share one with the kids. Otherwise, you may find yourself feeling quite resentful from dealing with filth and poor hygiene habits and find yourself being the only one cleaning up.
I like the idea of a third
I like the idea of a third party. My DH gets very defensive when it comes to the kids. I've tried every communication trick I know; different tone, complimenting first, etc. and nothing works so I'll have to look into that. Thanks
These are great and I agree
These are great and I agree with all of them! I have been with my BF for 2 years and we still maintain separate houses. We've talked about moving in together, but I have backed off on that idea because of the kids. Actually, I disengaged from his 12 year old daughter a couple of months ago. After many, many conversations about her lack of respect for me and my home (and him trying to discipline her about it... she doesn't care), I told him she is no longer welcome to stay here. On the days he has her, we can hang out at his house and I have the choice to stay there or come back to my (clean) house. It's just the way it needs to be right now... I know if we moved in together it would be the end of us. Neither of us feels the need to get married (he's 51 I'm 47), so this actually works quite well for us and drastically reduces tension and arguments. I know this isn't the solution for everyone... maybe get a "tiny house" to stay in when the kids are there, lol.
I lived in la la land when I
I lived in la la land when I was dating my spouse. I saw the lack of parenting but thought that overtime my influence would get the SD12 ( then 7) to shape up. I tried everything: nice, not so nice, logic, threats, guilt, pleading but the kid just won't stay consistent or self start on any chores she is asked to do. Why is that? Because my lazy parenting spouse lets her get away with it. And fast forward to now, 3 years unhappily married, strife in the house, feel like a second class citizen and I am always being told off in front of the skid!
Here is what you can expect to be told IF THINGS ARE ALREADY GOING SOUTH WHEN YOU ARE DATING:
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS THE ADULT
SHE IS JUST A NORMAL KID> THATS WHAT THEY DO
GROW UP
YOU ARE MEAN
YOU HATE MY KID
YOU DON"T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT PARENTING
BUTT OUT
I WILL ALWAYS TAKE HER SIDE
YOU ARE A %^^*
YOU ARE F'ING MY KID'S HEAD UP
SHE IS AFRAID OFYOU
YOU ARE ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMETHING SHE DOES OR DOES NOT DO
SHUT UP
I AM GOING TO CALL SOCIAL SERVICES ON YOU AND TELL THEM YOU ARE MEAN TO MY KID
WE WERE HAPPY BEFORE WE MET YOU
I DONT NEED YOUR HELP. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MY OWN KID.
CAN YOU TAKE HER TO HER FRIEND's HOUSE?
I AM TRANSFERRING MONEY FROM OUR JOINT ACCOUNT BECAUSE SD needs xyz. I WILL PAY IT BACK.
I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY MONEY FROM MY PAYCHECK THIS MONTH. THE KIDS NEED xyz.
STOP BUYING HER TREATS IF YOU DON'T WANT HER TO EAT THEM ALL.
DONT BUY TREATS FOR YOURSELF AND HIDE THEM, ITS SELFISH AND CRUEL
SHE JUST FORGOT
SHE GOT CONFUSED
SHE WASN'T LYING, SHE WAS JUST MISTAKEN
STOP PUTTING HER DOWN ALL THE TIME
You get the idea? Anybody feel free to add to this to help out our friend!