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What are my rights here?

MissJulsie's picture

So...... I am one of the disengaged step-parents around here. I have NOTHING to do with my husband's son. Long story, but in the early days, I did everything under the sun to try and make it work. But it just didn't work. These days, my husband has access visits with his son at Grandfather's house. Why? Because even though I just silently disappeared from SS's life years ago, this year in May 2016, SS decided to send me these totally out-of-the-blue texts, swearing at me, and calling me vile names. So now he is banned from our house.

However, one of these days, I might just want to have a baby of my own. I don't want SS coming even so much as 100 feet away from my baby. Legally, do I have the right to ban SS from seeing my baby?

MissJulsie's picture

No sanecatlady, back then, my question was more about a period of time, between having a baby, and holding off on letting the skid come and visit. This time it's different. I don't want the skid to come EVER.

MissJulsie's picture

Actually downsouthinTX, the skid doesn't feel like he's won. After the swearing incident, I sent a msg to BM saying that he's banned. SS was so mad about it, he refused to see or speak to his Dad for about 4 months, and even boycotted his Dad's birthday AND Father's Day. He's 13, and so is old enough to know how to give the silent treatment.

zerostepdrama's picture

What does your DH think about his kids never seeing each other? Are you going to act like SS doesn't even exist? What happens if you and DH split up, then SS will more likely be around your child.

I'm not saying that calling you names and sending you nasty texts are right, but is that all that this kid has done to warrant that you never want to see him again or have him around your future children?

MissJulsie's picture

Well..... When the incident happened, I texted DH and said that his kid would never be allowed around my children. To which he replied "Ok". But I think that when the time comes, he won't want to agree with it. I've told my counsellor all about the skids behaviour over the years. She said that in a few years, SS will be a real rebel, and be in huge trouble with the police, will beat his mother, and on the streets, and for heavens sake, I should not let him near my kids.

zerostepdrama's picture

Is the counselor just hearing your side of SS or does DH speak with the same counselor as well?

Disneyfan's picture

Chances are, your husband said "OK" because that is easier than saying "You must be out of your damn mind if you think I'm going to agree to NEVER have my children around one another."

Your expectations for your bio to never have contact with his/her older brother is so far out there that a simple OK may have been all he was willing to do to shut the whole mess down.

MissJulsie's picture

The incident was in my original post. And the woman I see is not just a counsellor. She's a brilliant Psychologist who has seen it all before. She says that I'm not safe, and that day, SS will try to do something to hurt me.

zerostepdrama's picture

Just curious- what are some other examples of things that your SS has done? Besides the name calling.

MissJulsie's picture

It's not just a case of what he's done. It's also a case of who he is. He has a list of mental health problems and disabilities as long as your arm. These include Autism, Aspergers, Auditory Processing Disorder, Dyslexia, an IQ of 62, a mild intellectual disability, and low-tests that look at his aural and verbal abilities. In addition to that, he is extremely spoilt, manipulative, and throws enormous tantrums when things don't go his way. One time when DH made him share the X-box, he picked up a chair and threw it against the window. On the night he sent me those vile texts, he was throwing enormous tantrums at his father, and even threatened to go around banging on all the neighbours doors. Even more recently. I overheard DH telling someone that SS threatened to call the cops on him, just because he wouldn't let him watch TV at 1am. He goes to a special school for kids with special needs. The school psychologist said that he was so difficult that his teacher needed to take stress leave.

MissJulsie's picture

I don't think that age-old argument of 'You knew what you were getting into' is a valid one. People change. I had committed myself to my DH long ago, hoping that things would get better. However, as it often happens, they got worse. But by that stage, it was too late. I was already committed.

I have a friend who was a single mother of a 5 year-old and a 6-month-old (both boys) when she met her new boyfriend. They moved in together, and bought a house,. Originally the 6-month-old was so adorable, he would make anyone's heart melt. But then he grew up to the biggest nightmare brat ever. The boyfriend didn't cope, and the relationship failed.

Disneyfan's picture

Based on that laundry list of disabilities the OP listed, would you have a child with that man????

MissJulsie's picture

When I met DH, SS was 6. I just thought that he was a very naughty little boy. And DH, BM and all the grandparents thought that he was the most beautiful, wonderful little boy in the world. Every time I would speak up with concern for his behaviour, they would all shut me down. Then about 3 years later, BM was was forced to eat her words, as the results spoke for themselves when she took SS to get tested and analysed.

uofarkchick's picture

you can be poor and still be a kind, clean, respectful person.
you can be wealthy and be kind, clean and respectful.
you can be poor and be mean, filthy and nasty person.
you can be wealthy and be mean, filthy and nasty person.

Preach on, sister. This is the dang truth.

Disneyfan's picture

What are you going to do if your future child has some of the same issues your SS has?

Even with that list of disabilities, you're kidding yourself if you think your husband is going to agree to your request. The kids will be SIBLINGS. Expecting your husband to never have his children together during Christmas, Easter, family reunions, vacations, wedding, funerals....is not realistic.

MissJulsie's picture

Good point. I don't know. That's why I'm on here. However, if you read a very recent reply to this thread, you will see that I am the only one in DH's family that can see the problem with SS. Everyone else thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. I don't get along with DH's family. I don't go to ANY of their family functions. So all those functions you mentioned, I may just have my baby sit all those out as well.

notsobad's picture

That's just what you want to believe because you want a baby.

The fact is you don't know what BM contributed and what DH contributed.

You could have a perfectly normal health child but you should be prepared to deal with one that isn't. Which I guess could be said of anyone expecting a child to be honest. You just know your DH has already had a child with issues.

MissJulsie's picture

Good point. I don't know. That's why I'm on here. However, if you read a very recent reply to this thread, you will see that I am the only one in DH's family that can see the problem with SS. Everyone else thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. I don't get along with DH's family. I don't go to ANY of their family functions. So all those functions you mentioned, I may just have my baby sit all those out as well.

NobodyMom's picture

To the posters questioning that to this user that for her SS to "send me these totally out-of-the-blue texts, swearing at me, and calling me vile names" is not reason enough to ban a step kids, what is then? Or does that only apply to adult step kids? I am curious as I have read of many cases on here of step kids being banned for refusing to respect the step parent and everyone agreeing with them. If this woman was treated this way without justification, why should she subject herself to such a stressful situation in her own home? Not trying to hijack this thread, but I am in the same situation with a young adult step daughter that did this to me (16 long pages of nasty texts) out of the blue as well when I had only been kind and supportive of her over for the three years she lived with us while she always resented me. She refuses to accept what she did was wrong and refuses to be respectful to me. I just asked them to get together outside of our home.

ESMOD's picture

I agree. Especially knowing his issues, I think there could have been a more compassionate response from the OP. No, I don't think it should be "acceptable" but I certainly wouldn't have taken it as coming from the same place of intent from someone who was less mentally capable of processing things. (low IQ etc...)

MissJulsie's picture

What happens, everyone, if I let SS hold my baby, and then he decides to throw the baby across the room?

MissJulsie's picture

There's no baby. I'm not even pregnant . I'm not even off the pill. But in this whole thread, only one person has backed me up. Supposing I agree with you all, and relent to SS having access to my baby...... only for him to hurt it?

MissJulsie's picture

Well I don't have much more time. I'm 36 going on 37. DH and I have just bought a house. What have I got myself into?

zerostepdrama's picture

I think an outright ban of saying that your SS can never ever be around the baby may be a little dramatic and cause more trouble. Like actually saying the words to your DH.

DH is already seeing his son outside the home. Just because you have a baby, doesn't mean anything changes with that, right?

You need to talk to DH about your fears and expectations. Are you guys able to have a real conversation about this?

Your SS doesn't have to be alone with the baby. You can always be around. You can sit right beside him if he is holding the baby.

How often will you actually see SS anyways? If you don't see him now, how is that going to change when you have the baby?

stepmom1037's picture

I have found that this site is for bashing people more so then to be more supportive. This was for people to come to vent, not for someone to tell you not to have kids. There is nothing wrong with you thinking about having a baby of your own and planning ahead.

moeilijk's picture

I haven't read through the comments, so apologies if I'm off-track.

Legally, I doubt you could prevent certain people from coming in contact with your (potential future) child without going to court and getting legal paperwork to demonstrate that you've been granted that right. Which would be a hassle.

Logistically, you have total control over who comes physically close to your child as long as you are nearby. Like, if you are sitting in the living room holding the baby and SS comes to sit beside you, you can get up and walk away. You can make sure that SS does not appear on the babysitter/daycare/school's lists of people who can pick up your child. You can choose to stay home with kid while DH does visitation with SS elsewhere.

Practically, be careful. In my case, I know my DH would support me if I drew the line and no longer allowed our child to see his mom and sister (MIL & SIL, not the same, I know, but similar enough for talking about). But, probably because I know I have his support, I don't do that. I try to find ways to make their influence on my life minimal, but allow them contact with DD.

In your shoes, I can understand that you want nothing to do with SS. But your child is not you. And in order to raise a confident child, you're going to have to trust your DH (child's father) to be an equal parent to you. Of course DH would be invested in having both of his children get along, and he'd tolerate things you would tolerate if you had a 13 yo and then a baby... but that a first-time parent with an infant would freak out about. So, for the sake of your marriage, your happiness as a co-parent and partner, do some serious thinking about whether you can trust your DH to be a good parent to your child.

If not, don't have a child with him. If so, trust him, even with this.

sunshinex's picture

Wow... I'd say don't have a baby at all with the man who's kid you clearly despise and want nothing to do with. If it's to the extreme where you never want the baby to meet his sibling, why the hell are you having a kid? You do realize this isn't only impacting your stepkid and husband but eventually your own kid as well. Who wants to grow up knowing they have a sibling that wasn't allowed near them? You really think this is the best thing for everyone? Because looking at it objectively, I'd say the best thing for everyone is to get your stepkid the help he so desperately needs and wait until you're ready to act like a family before having a baby.

You don't get to break up a family. That's not okay. You can't come into the picture, disregard and exhile a child who clearly has some issues, and start a new family pretending SK doesn't exist. That's a whole other level of messed up if you ask me. I get it... being a stepparent is hard and comes with all kinds of weird problems, but there's such a thing called compassion and maybe you should have a little for your stepkid.

notsobad's picture

"Who wants to grow up knowing they have a sibling that wasn't allowed near them?"

Don't tell him he has a sibling, ala Rainman!

Goodluck's picture

I did skim thru many of the responses. Assuming that this is NOT a "crew" post by OP.

To answer her question, it is YES she can prevent contact of her minor bio child from any person she decides.

The rights of a bio parent highly guarded fundamental right. The bio parents of any child makes decisions for the minor child to include who the child has a relationship with.

There are step kids that are harmful to siblings, parents and it is an unfortunate reality some step families are fully aware of. Heck there are intact families where one kid is abusive.

But yes, she has every right to protect her child.

You don't need a court order OR a courts decision to do what you feel you must do to protect your home and kids.

notsobad's picture

Unless she and DH get divorced. Then she wouldn't have any control over DH taking the baby to see his step brother.

Goodluck's picture

Agreed notsobad.

Of course we are not privy to everything going on there at OP's. "SHE" can control her situation that she is aware of only.

Dh has a duty to protect as well.

Lets hope ss is receiving all possible recourses he deserves to become as independent and high functional as he can. Smile

I know of some parents who do everything possible to keep their child dependent. THEY make me sick in my stomach.

It does not sound like a good decision to have a baby with DH based on everything op is concerned about.
JMO of course.

hereiam's picture

He has a list of mental health problems and disabilities as long as your arm.

Which can be hereditary and passed on through your husband's genes, even if they are dormant in your husband. Why would you want to have kids with him?

Not to mention, you won't necessarily be able to keep them apart forever.

MissJulsie's picture

RosaluOsliar, when you say that there are two ways to get his son back home, what are they ?

MissJulsie's picture

Firstly, my husband would never leave me. Secondly, I have people who would back me in up in court, to say that SS is mentally unstable, and therefore unfit to be around my child. Thirdly, if DH and I split, I could get court orders to stipulate that he can see my child in supervised visits, which SS would be blocked from

twoviewpoints's picture

What makes you think your husband would only receive supervised visits with what is also his child? He doesn't have custody of his older child, so there are numerous times he'd be available to have your joint biological child with no need of any supervision. He could possibly even receive 50/50.

Are you saying now that your husband would be an unfit father and unworthy of anything but controlled supervised visits with any new child? If that's what you're implying, then why have a child with this man.

Rags's picture

This one does not pass the smell test of reasonableness IMHO. Legally, you will have to ask your attorney but I highly doubt you can legally do anything about keeping SS away from your child unless SS poses a clear and present danger to your child.....and... a Judge would agree that is the case and issue the RO/PO.

Your brilliant Psychiatrist may enjoy prognostication but forecasting what a kid who the Phsych has never laid eyes on or spoken to will do is little more than a basic opinion and anyone can have one of those.

Keep in mind that your child will also be your DH's child and he will have access to the kid. As your kid's other parent your DH can allow anyone he chooses to interface with the kid. If this is a requirement for you then you need to find another father for your theoretical child.

Time for some attitude work on yourself I think..... or move on and find a partner with a situation more closely matching your demands.

Good luck.

MissJulsie's picture

Ok Rags, what would you define as being clear and present danger? Or should I just wait until SS injures my child until I get to make that decision?

Rags's picture

As your child's parent you are one who decides and if you decide then you have only a few choices and those are primarily to engage the system to address the issue. The only one who can actually decide that your SS is a clear and present danger is a Judge.

If you are at the point where you are going to take action then take it with confidence and good luck with the outcome. Unfortunately our system can drop the ball in protecting those in most need of protection.

As I said earlier, if you are this concerned about the danger that SS would pose to a new baby and if you are not confident that your current mate can mitigate the risk that his elder child would pose to a baby... then you should consider finding a partner that would better meet your expectations as a father to your own child.

I meant no offense with my answer. I was only expressing that there was no indication in your OP that SS may be a threat to a baby other than a toxic email. That would in all likelihood not be enough to get a Judge to give you a RO/PO against SS if you actually did have a baby.

ESMOD's picture

I would add that your psychiatrist is being incredibly presumptuous to advise you what will happen based on only your sessions.

They have not examined the boy, nor have they had access to his full medical records. Quite honestly, that "professional" opinion will be worthless in a court of law.

From where I sit, OP, you should not have a child with this man because.

1. The disabilities and disorders could be hereditary and passed onto any child you have with this man. Are you going to ban your own child when they send you a poison pen text?

2. You hate your DH's family. This is a big red flag when you are not able to get along with your inlaws etc.. I am not saying it is a kiss of death but it is one more tick in the negative column in your relationship.

3. You won't be able to prevent your DH from allowing your child access to his other relatives including the SS. If you are still together, he can do it. If you aren't, it will be even easier and you will have no way to supervise. Don't count on your "court fantasy". For all the reasons others have posted, this won't work out the way you think it will.

4. Your DH is shining you on. He probably wasn't even listening to your demand when he said "ok". You strike me as someone who may put a lot of demands on her DH and his standard response has become "yes dear" whether he agrees, disagrees or even hears you at all. He wasn't being serious, he was placating you.