It would be really smart to have another adult in charge of SD that day.  Grandparents come to mind but the last thing you want it to share your wedding night with SD around.  

At 6 she might want to be a part of it.  Her mother might have other ideas.  

If its so important for your future husband to be free that day of any history, you want to find another man with no kids.  

You sound like a future bridezilla in the making.  

I don't see anything bridezilla-ish here.  I see nothing wrong with not wanting the future SD to be flower girl.  As long as there's not *another* flower girl, and the SD is invited to the wedding, I don't see a big issue.  If your SO insists on his daughter being part of the wedding, even when you explain your feelings, then I'd be rethinking the relationship because it's likely something that will come up again and again for years (in different forms). 

Step parent has there SK in the wedding. Some get married without SK there.  This child has a mother and father and you are not one of them.  It will never be a true family with BM around.  The kids normally play one against the other to get more gifts and do:what they want   Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

BUT you are already on this board and you not even married.  I think you are seeing red flags already.  Think it time to have a heart to heart with SO and get some ground rules,  like you are not doing child care, you are not going to do more then BF. You need time alone with SO and with out kids.  Vacation and date night by yourselves. Also how the money is going to work, that your money doesn’t go to SK. After all bills are paid what ever is left over some goes into retirement, some goes into saving so goes to SK 

As someone who had to not only change the date of her wedding, but the location and plan the whole thing in a different state in 5 freaking days to coinside with my other stepson's graduation just so that all of our kids could be there, I find this sad. 

I get that you have a fantasy in your head that you are the only woman in his life and that is true now but he has a daughter. Not including her is just mean spirited. Elope and don't have any family for friends if you want her out of the wedding but don't have a traditional wedding and leave his child out. 

My SO and I are planning to get married when we can afford it (buying a house so things wlll be tight) and my family lives abroad so I have to give PLENTY of notice to them and I'm only interested in a summer wedding - otherwise we'd be getting married next summer. So mine is two years away, too. 

We were planning on just a govt office wedding and then a big reception and we weren't planning to invite ANYONE but two witnesses. But something my son said made me reconsider - about being left out. I dunno. It's quite possible that the daugter has dreams of being a flower girl and it's not worth not including her for the momentary illusion that he doesn't have a daughter. 

I doubt any of the boys - who will be 14-11 in age will want any part of in a wedding ceremony.  I doubt we will have any attendants whatsoever. 

Regulating the child to guest status isn't going to make all this go away for you.

In reading your first entry on having difficulty accepting that your selected BF is an involved father and now this one, I do hope you've taken the counseling idea a green light and sought out attempting to sort your feelings. You're already worrying over things such as an ill small child being hospitalized and the two biological parents being the only people allowed in the room. You struggled with kindergarten enrollment and school introduction.

You've yet to mention anything your BF or the child's mother is doing inappropriately or any suggestion of a high conflict relationship with the child's mother. No, simply the fact the child and mother exist and you have troubles dealing with the reality that your BF has a child and a woman he does co-parent the child with. 

You can't go through with this relationship trying to pretend daughter and her mother do not exist. You can't fake your way through by pretending the child has no mother , nor that when a parent/child incident occurs you should automatically get equal parent status as the biological parents (such as the hospital setting scenario you gave as one of your fears and struggles). 

Being a stepparent is hard. No one who has ever been one will tell you it's easy. But starting out resenting the idea a child and child's mother existed prior to you, that you are not his first and only  could very well indicate you've chosen the wrong man for you to begin with. It would be doubly hard not just to stepparent but to also resent the child's existence and presence of importance in this man's life pre-you. 

If you truly want to experience all the 'first' as a couple, you have selected the wrong man. This one can not give you that.... and you know that right now. Many SMs resent it if someone says 'you know what you were getting when you went in'. And no, there is never anyway you can predict the future to a 't' and nor is it to say everything will stay the same way as when it starts (you'd be surprised how many SMs end up fulltime SMs rather than the part time or EWOE they thought they were signing up for due to a variety of unforeseen reasons).... but going in you do know there is a child, she has a mother, her father desires to be involved , and you are already having struggles with this from the beginning. 

That doesn't make you evil, but it may seriously indicate you need to stand back a bit and think long and hard before you jump in and take the relationship any further. The little girl is still very young and she's not going away. On top of that , yes the child is still young and cute and probably quite enjoyable to have around when it's just Dad, you and child. 

Just remember she isn't going to stay little and cute. And she isn't going to stay four. She is going to be starting school, getting into activities, meeting new other children who will also affect and influence her (aka one day she will be ten and then fourteen and then develop some normal teen attitudes and behavior). Dad and Mom will have school activities they both want to attend (not necessarily together of course, but both attend) There will be school award ceremonies will Mom and Dad both stand for the child. There will be cheerleading or gymnastics or soccer games. 

There will be the times the child is sick and can't go to school and Mom and Dad will be conferring on the phone or by text. Grade school promotion , middle school and high school graduations, perhaps times both parents are called in to the admin. office to discuss issues of grades and/or advanced program plans.... oh, and don;t forget when you're ready to have a child of your own and your potential future husband still has large obligations and responsibilities to his first child. Dad doesn't get to stop providing for the first just because you and he decide to add more. 

All I'm saying is, if you are struggling now, you will struggle ten-fold later with your feelings. Either work your feelings of not being his 'first'  out now, talk to him abut your concerns now, talk about how things will be handled , see what your expectations may differ from his now, or cut him loose and find a guy that doesn't already have all his baggage and history. 

You're struggling with more than to have a flower girl or not at your hoped for future or wedding. You're struggling on his having a child, period. 

The marriage is about you and your SO. If skids think it’s about them then that’s a red flag. You don’t want your marriage to revolve around skids. Skids may attend as guests. The marriage is about their dad committing himself to a woman. Period. 

(Disclaimer: I don't mean this as harshly as it will read, but without the benefit of inflection, I don't want you to think I'm screaming at you. Think of it in that voice your best friend uses when you've passed buzzed and are approaching drunk.)

Your attitude is exactly what skids most fear when their parents get remarried: the step will see them as an unwelcome plus-one and resent them at the least or try to edge them out at the worst. And don't deny it -- it's in between your lines, girl!

Now, I get it. You have no idea how I get it. I had to invite my husband's 22-year-old nightmare to be in my wedding and I could hardly spit out the words, "Would you be my bridesmaid?"

But here's the thing: by excluding SD I'd be saying something much louder to the entire guest list. I wanted to start off right with a message of inclusion because it was written all over the fucking wall that this brat was going to try to tear down my marriage, and that's what nearly happened.

But you know what? Everyone else who came to that wedding knows I tried and I did the right thing by including not just the man I married, but his nasty baggage that is a reality no matter how much I wish her away.

At your SD's age, it wouldn't matter as much if you excluded her, but including her is not entirely about her. It's also about your husband, his parents, his siblings, blah, blah, blah. You're sending them the message that you accept her, you're starting off right, and you're under no illusion that it will be just him and you in this marriage.

And having her in your wedding is also about you. Wake up! If you don't like his history, you better exit now. That history ain't going nowhere and it will only be more "in your face" when SD is there for your first anniversary, first Christmas, first pregnancy test, first birth, first baby's first birthday, first baby's christening...blah,blah, blah. She most likely will be at least as much a part of your life as he is for at least the next 14 years and probably forever -- if you last that long. If you don't want someone's else's kid in your wedding, maybe you ought to think twice about having someone else's kid in the rest of your life.

Lastly, you will never be his first. And I truly doubt that he was your first in many things. Does that make those things any less special with him? Don't get hung up on numbers. There will be so many times when his prior life bashes you up along side your head, I'd be cruel not to tell you. I really mean this quite seriously. I'm not a jealous person and I'm not a sentimental person, but I have to tell you there are times when it actually stings a little -- like when you're at a business conference with your husband and the guy he just introduced you to won't stop talking about how beautiful his ex is. Like when you think he wants kid and suddenly he's changed his mind and you suspect it's because he doesn't like the one he has with someone else. Like when you don't take his name but everyone calls you "Mrs. (insert his last name here)" and every time they do, you think of his ex, who is, still, "Mrs. (insert his last name here)" even though they're divorced for years. Or this one...this one's my favorite: when you're in the middle of a knock down, drag out fight and he's so frustrated, he calls you by his ex's name -- it sucks, but you're just happy he doesn't do it when you're having sex.

You sound young. If you don't like the idea of this thing in your face on your wedding day, remember that's just one day and the reality is she'll be there the rest of your life. Just take it slow, don't shack up with him, and whatever you do, don't get pregnant. Keep your options open until you can live with this or leave him. There is probably a better situation out there for you if you don't make mistakes with this guy before you find it.

Hi Brit,

I came to this site for the first time yesterday looking to connect with other people that share a step-parent role with all the challenges and joys it involves. I came accross your message and can relate to your feeling of being misunderstood or unsure of wheter or not you are even allowed to feel the way you do. Maybe reading my story might help you. 

Last summer I was in a situation very similar to the one you describe. I made a consious decision to marry the man of my dreams who just so happens to have two kids (ages 5 and 7). While I love these children with all my heart I still couldnt give up my "little girl" fantasy of a "virgin/child free" wedding. I shared these conflicted feeling I had with my now husband and to my surprise and relief he accepted my wish to have the kids play a minimal role in the wedding. My now husbands mother took charge of the kids on the day of the wedding and both her and the kids attended as part of the close familly circle. I got to enjoy walking down the isle with my father, taking romantic couples picture alone with my husband and a one night child-free honeymoon. This meant a lot to me as it seems to mean a lot to you as well and in my opinion these feelings and questions you have do not take away at all from any of the loving feeling you have for your future step kid.

Best of luck talking to your husband about this and I truly hope he will be as accomadating to you as my husband was to me. Step parenting is hard but there are always ways to make it work. 

How long have you and your bf been together? I can relate to what you are saying about certain things won't be a first for him, but will be for you. My bf has 2 children (4 & 2) and he has been married before. Was your bf married before to the BM or did they just have a child together? 

In another forum, I just commented about my boyfriend and I having a serious conversation about what our future would look like in the first couple of months of our relationship because I had worries and neither of us want to waste our time/lead each other on if we pictured something different. I explained to him my worries about not getting to be his first wife or give him his first child. He told me how even though I may not be his first for these things, it will be more special with me and still be firsts for him because: 1. he actually wants to marry me (he married his ex because he was leaving for bootcamp, she was having health issues and had no financial support and by marrying her he could help her) 2. our children would be planned/wants children with me (she stopped taking her b/c and didn't tell him for the younger one and 3 years later found out the oldest isn't his, she cheated), 3. we will make plenty of our own firsts that neither of us had experienced.... He feels terrible he can't give me the first time on somethings like I wish it was, but that those things will mean more to him than they did his first time.

I agree with everyone if you don't want her as part of your wedding as a flower girl, then you shouldn't have a flower girl. You don't want the child to feel like she is on the outside, even if it is your day and you don't want your SO thinking that you don't want her as a part of it either. There are ways to include her without making a spot light on her that would satisfy everyone. I think the biggest thing is if you're feeling this way, this far out, that you need to have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. Do not focus on the things that aren't his first time, but celebrate the things that are both of yours' first time. And if you can't let it go, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has a child/married before (if he was). It is not fair to him or you and ultimately will affect your relationship.

If I was to remarry because god forbid DH and I didn't work out, I would have a problem with my would-be-husband not wanting my son in the wedding somehow because he's an important part of my life. Just like I'd want my best friend, my sister, etc. in the wedding party, I'd want to incorporate my son. And I'm someone who KNOWS if I remarry, my child is still MY responsibility and my spouse doesn't have to step in/step up - they just have to be polite and kind to him.

This seems, quite honestly, delusional. That is his DAUGHTER. A little girl. OF COURSE he wants her in the wedding as a flower girl. My SD was 5 when we got married and she was the flower girl. I had no doubt in my mind that the YOUNG CHILD of the GROOM would be the flower girl! 

I'm sorry but what's next? Do you think making her into a guest instead of in the wedding party makes her any less of your husband's daughter? She will always be there. You shouldn't have to parent or provide for her if you don't want to, but holy crap, you have to accept your reality. 

FYI, you won't even see the flower girl. She goes down the aisle before you and by the time you're ready to walk down, she'll be seated. 

That you will just be Dad's wife?  No name in the program for you.  No corsage for you.  

Are you OK with at their graduations, that  you may not get a ticket?  

Are you prepared that If you have children, that the older girls do not treat them like family?  At best, polite, civil?  

We did not have SS-23mo in our wedding though he was there.   My mom and my brother held him during the ceremony.  SS had a melt down and my brother took him outside for a few minutes while we said our vows.  Nearly 25 years in hind sight, I should have taken him and held him as his mom and I officially made us a family.

IMHO, inclusion of either BKs or Skids in a wedding is situational and highly dependent on the relative toxicity of each individual kid.  The young ones, being young, can be included if they tend to be calm.  If they tend to be volatile they should not be there at all, much less be included in the ceremony.

For older ones,  their presence should be entirely dependent on their relative historical behaviors.  If they are historically supportive of the adult relationship,  they should be present.  If not,  they should not be there at all.

My SS was historically so mellow people would ask if there was something wrong with him.  His meltdown during our wedding was extremely out of character.  He just wanted to be held by his mom and dad and did not get why that was a problem.

He officiated our vow renewal on our 20th anniversary.  No tears at all.  In fact,  all three of us laughed happily during the renewal ceremony.  I commented that it was good that he didn’t throw a tantrum because his uncle was not there to carry him away.

It is your wedding to your groom.  Do what you want.  If the Skids are reasonable and historically supportive, consider having them there or even consider having them participate.  If they are historically unsupportive or toxic, exclude them completely.  Your call.

If FDH has other ideas, explain to him that your day and your marriage will not begin with his prior relationship breeding mistakes taking away from the marriage that you and he are embarking on.  If he has failed as a parent to the point that his children cannot be trusted to be present at your wedding, they should not be present.

Good luck.

i read your prior posts where you are uncomfortable about future sd being registered for school by her bio parents, being in hospital with bio parents. If you get married and have kids (i assume it’ll be just you and hubby, no one else) until you’re home or after settling at hospital with bubs. Sd and exwife won’t be around when you give birth which is normal and your right.... how is that any different to sd at hospital with her bio parents as the situation dictates that they be present.

same thing with registering for school and honestly why would you wanna waste hours at school registration for a kid you never raised from birth and just be feeling like an awkward unwanted 3rd person. I stayed home while hubby registered then ss19 for university... i had just had an emergency csection  giving birth to my son, that was more important.

when i married my hubby his son was present. Ss who was 15.5 actually avoided being in pics and we made him come for a family pic with my parents then he disappeared with his cousins. Sd had been kidnapped by exwife 1.5yrs priorand hubby had no wayof contacting them and having them present at our wedding. I asked hubby that he should find them to let them know or they’d resent us but he said he couldn’t do much as he had no wayof contacting them/finding them.

you’re complaining about having a young child carrying a bouquet or basket of flowers down the aisle before you possibly marry because she is a reminder of his past but you fail to realise that on your wedding day, you are a reminder of his present and future life. 

Nothing you posted says sd is naughty or unsupportive of your marriage or causes issues but you don’t like the fact she exists and will be at the wedding and want all the attention solely on you. Its your potential wedding day, the focus and attention is already mainly on you. This just seems like nitpicking

You cant wipe away your so's past. My stepson was the best man at the wedding and we did a unity ceremony all together. You need to accept your sd if you are to fully accept your so. If you cant do that and you cant accept that he had a past then you shouldn't be getting married. Your feelings will only get worse

We're getting married in Nov and we do not have a wedding party but he still wanted my 13 year old SD to stand at the alter with us...the three of us. I siad no...if we arent having anyone else up there no.  I get the whole wanting ONE day where its about the two of you and not his past. I've still included her in my wedding stuff but she wont be standing up in front with us. He also wanted a father daughter dance...just the two of them...alone...on the floor. Call me a B but I vetoed that too...you can do that at HER wedding.  This day is NOT about the two of them and if that makes me selfish so be it, but this is the one day he and I get and im not showcasing his daughter. 

My DH andI got married at the court house by ourselves. Not al of my kids could be there and we werent sure about his kids. We didnt want to hear any rejections and for our day to be a sad day so we decided to and kinda do the elope thing. 

But, I think it would have been great to have all of our children there. 

I know this is your special day but I am sure he feels the same way and he would want his loved ones there and his baby girl is one of those loved ones.

This is your wedding. You are the bride. You make the call.  Weddings are not about children. They are about the couple who are commiting to each other.

Sure, SD can and should be there.  But beyond that, it is not about her.

IMHO of course.

I'm a blunt person, so here goes.  You're choosing and getting ready to marry a man that has a SD that he loves and wants in his life.  It's obvious that you really don't want her around at any time, if you're honest.  Well, she's going to be around for-e-ver and so is her mother (his ex), and all the other relatives of those people.  Mark our words here, you will be miserable if you go through with marrying this man, and he  (and they) will be, too.  It's okay that you feel the way you do (Believe me, I know!), but it's not okay if you go through with this marriage, especially will all this foreknolwedge, because you, your husband, and everyone he loves will be miserable because you won't be able to share.  Again, your feelings are okay and I get them.  I just hope you find the courage to back out of this now for the sake of everyone.  Best!  

Well to be fair, it would be HIS wedding too.  Not just yours. If he cares a lot about his daughter the. He will probably want her in his wedding because he will want to be surrounded by the people he loves. If you say you don’t want her involved, he might take offense and say he doesn’t want your maid of honor to be involved. Could get nasty real quick. 

I often think about about the same thing between me and my bf, how it would be nice to feel like we are just 2 people that fell in love and are getting married, but if his heart hurts because his kid isn’t there to celebrate, that’s not right. Personally I could accept his kid being there, after all, you’ll be playing a big role in the kids life, however I would NOT want the ex there. Unless they remained friends and no hard feelings. If the ex doesn’t want her child going because she isn’t involved then that’s on her. 

Perhaps give yourself time, a lot can happen in 2 years. Maybe you’ll grow to accept her