Venting, stay, leave...turmoil constantly
Story - we have SS5 EOWE and alternate 3/2 days during the week. My SO says he's too tired to really do anything on our weekends off except maybe walk to the only bar we ever go to for a beer or two. He said he "grew up" when he had a kid so he would rather stay home and watch movies. Mind you he can't stay awake past 9 pm EVER and is up at 5 am everyday. I have told him I need adult time and it just creates a conflict, he always says we'll do more etc etc but he never wants to plan ANYTHING so if we do anything it's me planning...I'd like to have him make an effort once in a while. He plays the damn single dad card whenever I bring this up which is about the most freaking annoying thing ever. He goes to great lengths to make sure the kid is entertained enough when he is here but then is too tired and says making choices and decisions for his kid is all he has energy to do. Seriously if I never planned anything we would not leave the house as a couple, I know because I experimented for a month and nope we didn't leave the house for anything fun. I miss my life before him. Then I feel guilty because I am 46 and he makes me feel like I should be over going out etc but I'm not talking hanging at the bar every weekend I would like to go hear some music or out to dinner or to another town and get hotel...something besides sit here. I drink more at home to cope than I would if I was out lol!!
I think about leaving but SS5 is attached to me, then we made a major purchase last year together...I know big mistake because now it's financial too, kinda regret that. On top of it all, I moved across the country to be with him and I hate where we live but he is stuck since his kid is here. Also, my family loves my SO. I am complaining about this but overall he does treat me well, he's faithful, has my back etc. Overall he is a decent man and good partner but I am not sure we want the same things in life. My family says I should just accept him and be happy I have a good man. I feel like I want a good man but one who wants to live life to the fullest. When I talk about wanting to travel and be spontaneous he always says after his kid is graduated but I have this nagging feeling that really he doesn't want those things. I admittedly went way too fast in this relationship and did not think things through, I fell in love and acted without thinking. Now here I am losing sleep over this, drinking wine like a crazy person and constantly battling depression. I've read numerous books on women who have stuck it out but I am not sure I have it in me. BUT for me, leaving is not that easy, I value commitment and loyalty and even typing this makes me feel disloyal like I am doing something wrong by even voicing that I might even be considering leaving and breaking both their hearts.
It is not just about SS5 but some of it is IDK, I really do not want to be a Mom, I made choices and decisions long before him and I did actually tell him this before I moved in, playing a supportive role is best for me...for example I LOVE being an Aunt, no one expects me to take on responsibility for them, i can be loving, supportive, and a confidant but no one is asking me to change who I am. I think he is holding out for me to fall in love with his kid and want all of those things. NO THANK YOU, his son is a super kid, fun and enjoyable but I simply have no interest in being more to him than I am. Personally i think his kid and I are fine, he has a great BM, she and I get along just fine but I think part of that is because I am not trying to be more. After reading some of the stories I feel like I should be grateful...and I am, that I do not have crazy BM stories or crappy kid stories. They split when he was 4 months old and she didn't want to be a full time single Mom so she offered 50% custody with zero child support. Which is why we don't deal with crazy I think. Maybe it is just SO i don't really want. Maybe I need counseling. Maybe I need a hobby. IDK. Thanks for letting me vent.