You need to let it go (easier said than done I know). But being a mom or a stepmom is not about getting the “mom-credit”. The joy comes from watching how your love and care for them helps them grow up into good people. That right there is its own reward. When the kids get older they will learn and realize that BM is not the wonderful mom they thought she was. My skids are slowly learning that right now (but on their own). When you skids are all grown up and they look back on all the Thanksgivings and Christmas and other holidays, who are they going to remember as being there with them for these important events, YOU. Children only see what gives them immediate satisfaction (in this case their mom). Have faith, and live your life knowing you are making a difference in these children that their own mother will not be able to claim.

Sounds like you are resentful and jealous of her. Don't be. As you can see it's not doing you any good at all. What happened in the past between her, her present husband and your husband is between them. Drop it. Your husband is a big boy, he doesn't need you carrying grudges for him. Also, the power of the mind is amazing, how you think, is how you feel, You thinking you've "had HER kids" every single weekend since you were 25. makes you mad. These are your husbands children too. You have had your husbands children every single weekend since you were 25. If you have a problem with that, take it up with him. Suggest a weekend away for the two of you, let him know you want a break. Stop blaming BM for things your husband is clearly happy with. Basically what I am saying is, stewing over her cheating on her husband (your now husband) is pointless, let it go, it's not helping you, your husband or innocent kids. Your husband allows her to give him the children every weekend and he seemingly hasn't considered that you might not like this, so that's not her fault, that's certainly not the kids fault, that's your husbands fault. Talk to him. You are spending far too much time dwelling on things that happened in the past, and it's not even your past. Life is too short, let it go. If you have issues with having your step kids so much, tell your husband, don't get mad at her.

Finally, if she hadn't cheated on your husband, you and he may have never found each other, so what are you mad about. You should be thanking her. It's all in the mind. Change your thinking and your feelings will change.

Im a BM and a SM, and I can guarantee my SM feels the same way about me and I feel the same about her. I can completely understand your feeling bitter when you invest so much time and energy into your SKs and its unappreciated. She is their mother, kids always love their mothers.

What she buys her kids, her parenting skills, and everything she does has nothing to do with you unless she is digging in your pocket for the money, or inconveniencing you, it shouldn't matter. Just let it go, live your life. Go away for the weekend with a girlfriend. I do think its appalling that she left her kids on a holiday, I would never miss a holiday with my kids.

Carrying grudges is not in your blood. That's something you learnt from your mum, and it cost you a grandfather. No good comes from it. This is not in your mind either, it is happening. But children will always be loyal to their parents no matter how rotten others may perceive them to be. So never say anything bad to these kids about their mother. They will never forgive you for it. These kids are being normal.

You really have to unlearn the grudge thing. It will turn you into a bitter old woman long before your time.

The situation is being made worse by the way you look at it. Just work on that. You'll be fine.

Totally get where your coming from. But you need to focus on you first. You can't be a better role model than her to these kids if you're all wound up tight, angry, bitter and resentful. More importantly, you will make yourself sick. Start looking after you, the rest will follow.

I swear my husbands daughter is the spawn of Satan. She manipulates men like there is no tomorrow. I seriously don't get it. She's average, there is nothing about her that would make you look twice. Yet she plays this dumb baby bleached blonde and all the men in this family feel sorry for her. The women see it, the men don't. She had her first child and told her father if he didn't leave me, he couldn't see it. Well he hasn't and it will be three next may. But even with that, my husband felt that I should just let her continue to insult, humiliate, ignore and be disrespectful, not only to me, but to him as well. When my husband didn't leave me, she went to his father. Now she had spoken to that old man three times in 10 years, didn't even bother to tell him she was pregnant. But rang him up to say daddy won't come and see my baby. The old man sides with her. He no longer speaks to me barely speaks to my husband. And none of them can see that she has destroyed the family. My FIL will be 90 next April. He was 87 when he fell out with us over this girl who hasn't spoken to him in years. Does my head in. But it is what it is, and I stay well away from all of them now.

You've got the kids and while that makes it impossible to bow out as I did, it makes it all the more important that you don't let it destroy you.

Forget about the kids. Let this bitterness go for YOU.

Hi there,
You are not a lone.
The children don't need to understand the breakdown of the relationship...all the parents should be focusing on, is how to give their children the best lives they can. It doesn't matter who cheated on who, who did xyz...
Perhaps when the children are older, the parents can give a brief synopsis as to what happened, but fast forward 9 years later-does it really matter? No.
I say this because SO has been a victim of PAS for 14 years and his kids, have told me, that their mother said "SO cheated on their mom" and why couldn't SO stay with the family for 1 more year.(SO left BM when she was pregnant with the second, actually BM moved out first, but SO finalized it, it doesn't matter, but he did meet someone a few months after the split-optically it does not look good-but he never cheated or upgraded).The step kids would be 1 and 2, they would have no memory.
But yes -14 years later BM talks about it and "apparently" it has made his children skeptical of their own father...Its sickening!
Just hope one day the kids see the truth, that's all you can ask for...and as long as you know the truth!
I hate the "Poor BM" stunt-BM could improve her life post the divorce, if she hasn't than her disappointment falls on her lap...not on your responsibility.

I honestly don't believe children need to ever be told if their father or mother had an affair. Why can't adults keep adult business and things that happened in their marriage between themselves. It's no ones business what goes on in a marriage. Children just need to know mummy and daddy just don't love each other as they used to and can't get along so they decided to separate. All perfectly true, it's not lying to the kids,. It's not passing on dirt about a parent onto a kid. No child wants or needs to know about their parents affairs. I think this is what causes a lot of children to struggle with the divorce of their parents. Adults in their lives talk too much.

Sorry I disagree. That is definitely not a RIGHT. To tell a child at any age their parent had an affair and shatter that persons opinion of the parent is wrong. To hear this as a child or an adult child is hurtful. No good can come from it. It is totally unnecessary and damn right cruel. You cannot claim telling someone Their parent had an affair/s, is telling them for their own good. It's being spiteful and it's done to try and make them Despise the parent who had the affair. That's the only reason It is ever done. It is not their RIGHT, the only people who have a right to know about an affair are the partners of the people having an affair. No one else has a RIGHT.

Anyway, ultimately the kids will forgive the parent and despise the person who told them.

I thought of that to fearless but felt that falls under the right to know their biological parents. COMPLETELY agree with you they absolutely have that right. But being told your dad is Freddy The mailman by your parent is one thing. Being told You are here because mum or dad cheated is another. There is a right and wrong way to tell kids who their biological parents are. I would never say they were the result of an affair. They will in time perhaps figure it out and ask questions. Then they need to hear it from The parent who cheated. Not from anyone else. Especially a stepparent.