I am a 36 year old teacher. I love my job and am very nice to my students. BUT when I get home, I see my 17 year old step son and I am just angry all the time. 

Backstory: I met my husband 6 years ago. We moved in together 4 years ago and married 2 years ago. On our first date, his son called him thinking that I was going to murder him. If that was any indication of how his and I relationship would go, I should have known to run! Also, his mother was in the picture. She would phone a lot and lie to him which caused him to act out. She passed away in 2016 due to an overdose. 

When we all lived together at first, it was horrible. SS would cry and throw fits and be mean and lie. He was only 10-11, so I thought it was semi normal for him to get his way. He would deliberately throw food away and ask for something else to eat. He would be mean to my dog.. He would hide things of mine. Finally, I told my husband and he said it would be something I have to 'fix' and show him I'm the boss. I didn't want to overstep my boudnaries, but my husband made it clear that he couldn't make his kid mind, so I had to do it. 

Well, thats when it all started. I picked my battles, but I did make him mind. Slowly, he stopped lying (come to find out only not lie to my face), and would be a little more respectful. Fast forward to now- he is 17. He is a clean, average kid. But I don't like him. I don't like him at all. 

He tries to help-pack my lunch for school. He packs it with half sized portions and not enough food, reallly. I've told him that if he wants to help, then he has to pack more. Becuase then I have to unpack my lunchbox, add normal size portions to it (not the 2 bites of food he didn't want from last night and put them in the tiniest container he can find). Then he puts things back into the fridge, empty. So I have to go back and clean up after he tries to help. I have told him not to help me anymore, but he likes to think he helps. Then I end up yelling at him and being mean to him becuase he doesn't listen. 

He doesn't listen about anything- chores, school, living at home. He deliberately does things on purpose. It is his chore to wash the dishes after we eat dinner (I make, he washes). Sometimes he forgets to run the dish washer. So when I go to make dinner the next day, our plates and pans are dirty. And all he says is 'oh shoot, I forgot'. So I have to wash them or he does but wastes a lot of soap and water washing one pan. Like almost half a bottle of soap! Then I say "that is too much soap" and he says "oh shoot. I will remember next time" and walks away from the conversation like he is the parent. He lies about conversations we had, and when he repeats them to his father, he inputs his lies. Luckily his father has seen him lie first had, so he knows not to totally trust him. 

I know this is tearing my husband in 2. It is hurting me, becuase I just want to like this kid. He looks nothing like me, acts nothing like me, is nothing like me. I can't have my own bio children and sometimes I think God is laughing at me. Laughing because I can't have my own, and THIS is what he gives me?? I am angry at myself for being mean and I am angry at him for being the way he is and I am mad at my husband for not being more involved. He works like 15-16 hour days so he is not always available. 

Please someone tell me that I am being irrational and need to be nicer to my lying hurtful stepson. Someone help me understand what is going on and what I need to do to help myself and him. I tried counseling but he refuses to go. And my husband won't make him go. So that is pointless. 

Any friendly advice is needed and welcome. I even tried to make a list of why I love my son. I came up with 2- 1. He feeds my dog. 2. He can take care of himself (wipe and brush and bathe). Otherwise, I have nothing. 

Thank you for listening, it means a lot to me!