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Spoilt stepchildren - what do I do?

Zhigy's picture

I’m engaged to a man who has 2 children (3yr old boy and a 5yr old girl) and they are extremely spoilt. My fiancée wants me to move in with them but I am holding back because he doesn’t train them and their spoilt behaviour. I am not sure if I can live with these children. He has them from Friday evenings - Monday mornings. He doesn’t like it when I give them little tasks to teach them responsibility like asking them to put their own dirty laundry in baskets I’ve bought for them. There are cockroaches all around the house because the boy always drops food which is fine because he’s young, but when I ask him to pick up food my SO doesn’t like it. The girl has terrible skin problems(pus on her fingers, black scars and marks all over her hands and feet) because she refuses to eat fruit or veges. I’ve tried to teach her to eat veg and the last time she came to my house she started crying because she refused to eat veg and I explained to her that veg is important for good skin. He just hugged her and didn’t even back me up. They’re extremely rude to everyone and ignore me when I speak to them, their grandad half the time. Last weekend my friends organised a lunch so I invited them along, they ignored my friends when my friends spoke to them, and the girl threw my friends dog toys at my head. My SO constantly makes excuses like “they’re just kids”, “you don’t understand you’ve never had kids”, “they’re too young”. I went over to his house this week and there were toys and clothes everywhere and he was complaining that he has a lot of tidying to do, I asked him why not train the children to pick up their own clothes and toys otherwise he’ll be doing this for the rest of their lives... his response was “I don’t need you to tell me how to do things”.  I started to build a good relationship with them as we have been together for a year, the girl invited me to her birthday but lately their behaviour has been atrocious and I don’t even like them. It is really difficult as he refuses to step up and parent these kids. I was raised in a family where my parents started giving us tasks at a young age (simple age appropriate tasks). He got really angry the last time they came to my house and when I was going to ask the kids to pick up their own laundry and put it into a bag instead of leaving it on the floor. His kids scream / tantrum / cry when they don’t get their way. He just coddles them and does everything for them and I am fed up, What should I do? I am re-thinking whether I can marry into this living nightmare.

He is a generous, caring and thoughtful man but we have been arguing non-stop for the last month or so about his spoilt kids as he can’t see any wrong with them. I’m not sure what to do, any advice from step-parents or perspective from bio-parents? 

I’ve avoided them all this weekend as I neede a break.

Also moving in with him is moving 30 mins away from my friends, activities, social circles to a suburb which I don’t feel safe living in. There are grill bars on all the windows in his suburb. His ex-wife is on social security and dating an ex-convicted drug dealer. The only positive is it will be closer to work.

Rags's picture

Stop being engaged to this failed father, man and adult.

Move on, live your life without this trainwreck of a shallow and polluted gene pool.

notarelative's picture

These kids are not spoiled. They are unparented. The problem is fiance.

Food all over. Cockroaches!! A child with untreated skin sores.

If you have a ring, give it back. Put this guy in your rearview and don't look back.

Or move in with him and live with the roaches. A guy who doesn't mind living with roaches is not going to change when you marry.

Zhigy's picture

I told him off. And I said if there’s food around no amount of pest control is going to work if food remains on the floor. He has gotten the cleaners through and asked the pest control man to spray the whole house. He complained to me he had a lot of cleaning to do, and I asked him to delegate or give responsibilities to the kids but he said they’re not old enough to even look after themselves. Surely picking up their own toys and own clothes isn’t too much for a 3 and 5 year old? How do I get him to understand that he’s making them even more spoilt / entitled and he will be doing this for the rest of his life if he doesn’t start training them? 

TwoOfUs's picture

Yep.

My SS couldn't make a PB&J (from like...12 until 16!!) without leaving big globs of grape jelly all over the counters and DH never noticed/asked him to clean up. I always referred to these globe as the roach buffet. We live in the south...you can't leave globs of sugar lying around!!!

Anyway. There was a lot about how the skids were raised that drive me crazy because I grew up in a very disciplined  house. We had to ask to watch TV. My skids would just turn on the TV and watch it for hours if we let them...and DH often did. I hated all that constant background noise.

We put leftovers away and had limited soda consumption. Mostly water for us. My skids would take a couple bites of chicken or steak and throw away big plates of food!!! The first time I saw it I literally gasped. They'd also take sodas all the time, take a couple sips...leave the can out to get flat...then open another one 30 minutes later. 

I stopped buying soda and started monitoring how much they put on their plates (they could always get seconds but I didn't want them throwing away huge plates on untouched food!) 

For the most part, though, I let their dad handle them and disengaged. They're all hard working young adults now who turned out ok...maybe we got lucky or maybe there's more than one way to raise good kids.

Only you can know what you can put up with. There were many times I wanted to leave over the years, but now that they're grown I'm glad I stuck it out. Honestly, I doubt I would have made it through the toddler years though...youngest skid was 8 when we started dating, 10 when we got married. 

Zhigy's picture

Thank you for your detailed post. It definitively puts things into perspective as I’m going through really similar issues here, with the screen time and food we were raised similarly whereas with bio dads they seem allow kids to get away with a lot of unacceptable behaviour.

I’ll give it a go, talking to him and seeing whether I can find some level of compromise / behaviour / cleanliness which is acceptable to both of us. The terrible 2s have passed which is a relief - I don’t think I would have been able to handle those. 

 

Zhigy's picture

he is very thoughtful, generous and cares a lot for me. During the week when he doesn’t have his kids, he will cook dinner, make meal prep for our work lunches together, and sometimes makes dinner for me and my housemates. I find it so frustrating that someone who can be so kind and generous during the week without his kids turns into this on the weekends 

hereiam's picture

Who he is during the week, is not the whole truth. And it's not who he will be once you move in and the honeymoon is over.

shamds's picture

and generous, he would not in anyway expect you to live in a pigsty of cockroach infestations??

cooking during the week, well thats a standard household expectation to contribute. How is he going above and beyond?? Because thats what i’d judge as a redeeming quality but basic expectations or just basic household chores he should be doing doesn’t make him redeeming at all.

Zhigy's picture

He’s done his part, went over and the place was spotless, now to see whether he will be ok with me asking the children to clean up after themselves to make sure his house stays this clean...

ndc's picture

Luckily you are seeing this before you marry or reproduce with this man.  He is uninterested in parenting his children properly, and opposed to anyone else doing so as well.  Unless you want to become a maid to this man and his children, or alternatively live with cockroaches and clothes and other stuff on the floor all the time, you should break off the engagement and thank your lucky stars that you were able to escape before it was too late.  Spoiled, out of control children and a guilty, lazy parent daddy who is not willing to teach and discipline them is a recipe for disaster.  Dodge the bullet.

Stepmum2015's picture

The biggest mistake I made was moving my fiancé in before he had sorted his daughters and his own bad habits out. I thought once we all lived together I could support him and help deal with the issue he had been facing. How little I knew. He didn't want to change.  My advice would be, let him know what you expect from him and his children and get him to show you they have changed, not they are going to change or on the process of changing. Let him prove to you how important you are. Don't be afraid to stand your ground. If he loves you he will step up! Good luck x

Zhigy's picture

Thanks. He does try to teach his kids occasionally which is why I think there may still be hope, I would like to give him an opportunity to parent. He comes from a dysfunctional family himself, his dad single handedly raised him and his brother.

are there any suggestions or websites I can send to him to learn from? 

Harry's picture

And parent his kids.  To hard, too much time and. Effort.   He a real catch.  You should have lots of kids with him. So they all will unparent 

Swim_Mom's picture

There is nothing here for you. Please value yourself and move on.

BethAnne's picture

He is a neglectful parent and is ignoring your needs and wishes on top of that too. I have never heard of a child having scurvy in this day and age in a developed country (I presume that is part of the girl's skin problems). If he cannot care for his children's best interests and do the hard work of keeping them healthy then he will not care for your relationship and try to keep that healthy either. 

He is not worth your time or energy. He is not going to get better if he cannot listen to reasonable requests and suggestions and act on them.

Lndsy747's picture

My daughter is two and a half and although she doesn't always listen I try and get her to pick up after herself. This definitely sounds to me more like lazy parenting or not wanting to parent at all versus spoiling children.

Have you ever had any discussions with him about how it would work if you live together? I'd say it also makes sense to talk about what ages he feels are appropriate to clean up after themselves and help out

 

 

Zhigy's picture

I’m starting to think about how it would work if we lived together. Having 2 sets of rules may not work as from what I’ve read so far consistency is key. 

Good job with the 2 year old! When I first met my partner the younger son was 2 and he is now learning to pick up his own mess (although I still get angry or sometimes dirty looks from dad) when I ask him to pick up his food which is on the floor. I’ve been also able to ask them to take their own plate/bowls to the sink when I’m around. Unfortunately he’s a lazy parent but good that I’m picking this up now and not later... sounds like I’ll have to ask him to address this with the kids or do it all himself

Lndsy747's picture

sounds like I’ll have to ask him to address this with the kids or do it all himself

I think that's best otherwise you'll end up with resentment from both him and the kids

Aniki-Moderator's picture

The only positive is it will be closer to work.

Closer to work HAS to be the only positive. This 'man' is simply awful.

COCKROACHES?!?! That certainly sounds like a long-term problem. Cockroaches don't settle in without a reason. 

He coddles his children and cares NOTHING about their diet. 

And that "they're just kids" excuse? Read around here for awhile. You'll soon learn that men like this use that excuse for children well into their teen years.