Someone to talk to
I really just need some people to talk to. I have no one that I can vent to. It's so hard. I used to say that I never wanted to date anyone with kids because I don't like kids. When I met my now husband, I told him that I didn't want to date him because of his kids. But he kept talking to me, and talking to me and eventually I fell for him. I knew the kids were a packaged deal and honestly I thought that I could handle it better than I am. I really don't like being a step mom. I dont even want kids of my own let alone someone elses. I feel that I have no authority to discipline and my husband isn't good at it either because he wants to be the cool parent compared to his ex wife. The kids drive me absolutely insane. I took a job traveling so that I wouldn't have to be around them. When we took them on vacation recently, I seriously wanted to take a bottle of xanax and escape them. I just have no patience. I like my space, my money, my time, my freedom, my sleep, everything that is compromised when you have kids. My husband and I never get any alone time together. Haven't had sex in months because of it. I lived alone for the majority of my adult life and worked hard for my money and I hate that it feels I am living pay check to paycheck now because of the kids and child support. I love my husband soooo much, hes the best thing thats ever happened to me.....I just feel like I want to cry because of the kids. There has got to be someone else out there who doesn't like being a step mom. If so, please reach out to me! I just want someone to understand where I am coming from. My best friend who I would normally vent to is dating my brother in law so i worry anything I say to her will end up getting back to my husband.
Welcome to the site!
You will find plenty of us on here that don't like being step parents - I would say about 90% or more. So we all get where you're coming from. What proportion of the time are his kids with you for? and how old are they? Wanting to be the "cool parent" or "Disney Dad" as you will often hear it referred to on here, is very common. It is usually bio Dads who spoil their little brats when they visit, and do not lay down proper boundaries or rules for behaviour. All this does is turn the kids into horrible, unlikeable little dictators and nobody wins. They will have no friends at school, and will become nasty, domineering adults later. Being a Disney Dad is very short term thinking.
Things have obviously progressed in quite a negative way if you never have sex. Lack of sex often denotes a lot of anger on the part of the person who has lost their libido. I think you have two choices - either tackle this with your DH and give him to understand that if things don't change the marriage is in jeopardy. Of maybe set up a separate base for yourself so that you can live in peace and see him when he doesn't have the kids. Either way, things can't go on as they are.
Lollybobs, the kids are 10
Lollybobs, the kids are 10 and 13 both boys. We have the kids 50/50. My husband will discipline but it never lasts long. He will ground them from the tv or electronics and later that evening, they are watching tv again. It frustrates me because I dont want to overstep an boundaries but the kids have to learn that there are consequensces for their actions. I think they keep doing bad stuff because they know their punishment will only last a few hours. For example: our oldest got in trouble at school for his grades so my husband and his ex wife agreed that he should not be allowed to have electronics (EXCEPT for when he goes to bed!!) They let him watch tv when he is going to sleep. I'm sorry but that irritates me to no end. When my parents punished me, there were no exceptions. The older one back talks all the time and my husband tells him to stop but doesn't do anything about it. I can't tell you how many times in public the oldest has had an attitude and has embarrassed me so bad. My husband says that if the kids are doing something wrong, I have every right to punish them. He wants someone to call them out when they are doing bad. But I just feel like I can. I am such a pushover, always have been. I don't feel like I have it in me to discipline.
I currently work as a traveling nurse so I do spend a great deal of time away and have my own space. I miss my husband dearly though. That has been part of the reason why we don't have sex, is because I'm gone alot. But even when I am home, I have no desire. I'm not sure if it is beacause of the birth contro/anti depressant, or because of lack of interest/sexual attraction to my hubs.
When you say to tackle this with DH, what would you suggest? What options are there? I don't even know how to approach it.
I would suggest you sit down
I would suggest you sit down together and draw up a list of behaviours you won't tolerate from the SKIDs, and appropriate sanctions for each one. Your DH needs to agree these will be given as consequences EVERY time, with no exception. Your DH may not realise how desperate you are feeling and not be aware that if these things are not addressed, it may be the end of the marriage.
I have two skids both boys
I have two skids both boys and they and 15 and 13. I dislike the oldest one and did not get along at all from when I first met him. I just try to ignore him and stay away from him as much as possible. He has an attitude and is disrespectful all the time. I will put him in his place every time he disrespects me. My DH and I also do not have sex because we fight about his kid a lot and we are both really busy. We are in counseling as well. Does your DH ever try to be intimate with you when you are home?
I agree with the others. You
I agree with the others. You need to sit down with DH and discuss all these issues. I would be very careful in what you say and remain calm and unemotional, though. Don't turn it into a "all the things that are wrong about your kids" party because that's likely to trigger defensiveness on his part.
Statements like "I know it's difficult for you to hold a hard line. I'm not good at discipline myself. But we're not doing them any favors by letting them get away with bad behavior. And inconsistent reinforcement will not help them."
Coming up with a list of behaviors and consequences together would be a good way to do it. Sometimes it's hard, in the moment, to think of what to do. Having a pre-set plan can make that easier. I'm a fan of natural consequences myself -- and if there isn't one, creating one. For instance, bad behavior in public? Well, obviously we can't trust that you can be out in public without having a bad attitude. So, outside of school, no going anywhere in public until you've proven you can be polite for X days in a row.
And let him know how much it's wearing you down. Don't lay blame. Don't attack the kids. Again, that could lead to defensiveness and he won't hear you. Just say you're really struggling with this and you need his help. Is he usually open to rational, reasonable discussion? Pointing out to him why it's important that he be the one to handle the discipline would be helpful if he'll be open to it. He's the dad. The boys will love him no matter what. Whatever discipline is required will be accepted and respected more from him. From you, even if they accept it, it could breed resentment and make your relationship all that much more difficult. Good luck!
You mentioned you have the
You mentioned you have the kids 50/50. Is it a week on week off schedule? Travel Nursing is great for the escape, I have a girlfriend that will pick up contracts here and there when she wants to make extra $$. Is is possible to take on local jobs for 2 weeks a month and travel the other 2?
Another talk to have with your husband about maybe getting you a small loft type apartment to stay in while the kids are there. Get a local position and just remove yourself for the days they are there. The kids don't have to know that you aren't still traveling.
Your husband isn't a good disciplinarian, he isn't holding his kids to acceptable behaviors for you. He may be fine with how they act and while that might have been fine with his ex too, it isn't with you. Parenting partners need to be on the same page.
Sometimes love just isn't enough at the end of the day. If the kids are driving you to leave your home, take xanex, be miserable and depressed- it might just be time for a break. You don't have to get divorced but live separate and apart until they are grown. It isn't fair to ask him to give up 50/50, but it isn't fair for you to keep living like this either. Something, somewhere has to give before you break.
I've never wanted kids,
I've never wanted kids, either, nor did I ever particularly want to be a step mother, but I would not be with my DH if my financial situation worsened by being with him. If yours has, that means that YOU are picking up HIS slack. He needs to get control of his finances (stop paying for extras, for one, stop paying for daycare that's not being used, for two) and you need to separate your money.
There are on-line child support calculators to figure out estimated child support, find one and get an idea of what CS would be. Paying daycare for a child who is not in daycare is ridiculous.
Traveling, so that you don't have to be around his kids because he does not discipline them, is not a situation that I would want to be in. He needs to be their father, not their friend, not the cool parent. It's not fair to you to have to put up with that.
No sex just because they are there? Do they sleep in bed with you? Adults have sex when kids are in the home.
This man did not respect you from the get go. If he had, he would have left you alone when you told him that you didn't want to date anyone with kids. Shame on him. You may feel it was romantic, that he pursued you so, but believe me, he knew what he was doing.
You sound like an introvert
You sound like an introvert and a childfree person, which is great. And you work in nursing, which is a physically and emotionally draining profession. This all means you need peace and space to recharge. Unfortunately you fell in love with a guy who has kids, find yourself in a lifestyle you're ill suited for, and travel for work just to avoid all the stress and mess. Ugh.
I did basically the same thing. We're not stupid people, we just wanted to be loved and incrementally lost ourselves. I think society sells this picture of the ideal family lifestyle, and we tell ourselves we can make it work, only to find out too late that we're just not cut out for life around kids. However, life gets better when you accept yourself as you truly are and stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Build a life for the person you actually are, and you'll feel happier.
Nothing about your marriage seems to be working for you, and you sound really unhappy. Time to start being true to yourself, and getting some control back would be a good start. Open up a new bank account, reroute your paycheck, and separate finances. Next, renegotiate the terms of your partnership. Have that "It's not you, it's me." convo, and tell your H how unhappy you are with the current arrangement . I happen to believe there's a lot of gray area to be explored within a marriage, but you have to be honest with yourself and your with H. If you're both committed to working on the marriage, you could try Living Apart, Together, renting a studio for you to stay at when the kids get to be too much. Or, be that couple that lives apart but is there for each other emotionally and meets up regularly for hot monkey sex. Work the problem together. Your H may surprise you.
Started never wanting kids. It's been a journey
Wow ... I do understand a big part of where you come from here. Just suggesting since I'm still trying to figure out everyting myself. First, make a list for yourself of pros and cons. Are you deeply committed to this relationship? If no then work on leaving. If yes, then start counseling with DH and talk with him often. If the two of you do not clearly set behaviour limits and boundaries you will be miserable. In my case, I like being a step parent/grandparent but it came at almost the cost of my sanity. Only after about a 4 year period have I come to realize that because DW and I could not come to an agreement and take action that I felt deeply rejected and that has festered and become toxic. We are both now working back from there
Leave him.
Leave him.
Same Situation Here Almost....
It's a shame these forums aren't more active. I feel like I've found a gold mine here as well as a ravine to dump my internalized emotions into.
I never wanted kids either. As a matter of fact, I had a tubal done at 28 to make sure it didn't happen, EVER. I wasn't a loose woman, it was just insurance and peace of mind.
I had a good job, an apartment, money, paid cash for 2 new cars......and gave all that up for a man with 3 kids. He was self-employed and even tho he worked very hard it was not profitable. As time went on, I found myself wrapping change to buy personal items for myself. My family gave me a gift card to buy some new underwear. You get the picture. I was the cash cow.
The kids are grown and out of the house but now there's grandkids and I want no part of that either.
My advice to any of you considering a relationship with a man or woman with kids and you don't want kids....is DON'T do it. Every day is hard enouogh, then you have birthdays, Christmas, school functions, vacations, baby showers, weddings, births, etc. all of which will be centered around these kids and/or their kids AND their birth parents. You will always feel like the fifth wheel. I've disengaged from a lot of this so it has caused a 'wedge' between my husband and me. If only I had a crystal ball all those years ago.......I just take things one day at a time and try to keep a lid on my feelings and anxiety. Think with your head and not your hormones.
So why, exactly, do you
So why, exactly, do you remain in a situation full of skids and GSkids?
Here's Why
The creation of this discussion site is for step parents to vent. I would say most of us here who vent love our spouses but not the baggage, hence the name steptalk. We post our deepest, darkest feelings anonymously w/o judgment or fear of someone posting our private thoughts on FB. We have mortgages, car payments and all the responsibilities of life. Many of us have been with our spouses for many years and it can be a grin-and-bear-it situation a lot of the time. I stay because I do love my husband and would be lost without him but the baggage makes it really hard sometimes. The holidays are the hardest as I have seen with many posters. But in all honesty, looking back, I probably would have taken a different direction in life to be honest.
I gotcha. I think on some
I gotcha. I think on some level all of us Sparents have our version of this adventure.
While I regret the drama and toxic crap that comes with having to deal with a toxic blended family oppostion, and knowing what I now know, I would do it all over again to make a life with my wife.
Gotcha as well....
You said the key word...TOXIC. And this toxicity comes from a lot of angles in a family with S-kids....from the exes, the kids themselves, and even the custodial and step-parents. The combinations are endless, kinda like Rubik's cube. I envy the ones where it works out. I came into this with no baggage whatsoever. No ex, no kids. I had this fantasy that everything was going to be rainbows and unicorns but it wasn't. The 2 boys decided they were going to be criminals and have spent years of their lives in prison. So, a lot of our money went to lawyers, restitution, fines, PI's, etc. That's why I referred to myself as the 'cash cow.' I'm a non-nonsense person so all of this has been tough to deal with but WE had to deal with it. Everyone else could line the bottoms of their bird cages with the newspapers those 2 were in and go about their lives but not us. It has left me somewhat angry and resentful. Maybe TMI for you but, hey, another vent for me. We all have a back story. And another thing I believe is that how we deal with these issues goes back to our own childhood. But I think that would be a 2-part Dr. Phil show. lol. Glad things worked out for you.
Not TMI at all.
Not TMI at all.
I am sorry for you and DH that you had to deal with this criminal bullshit from your Skids. While I have not been faced with with having to deal with that kind of thing as a parent/Sparent, I am not sure I would jeopardize the financial security of myself or my bride for a criminal child. I would like to think I would tell them they made their bed and now they would have to lay in it. They would have to take their chances with a Public Defender.
It would break my heart to have had to do that, it would break DW's heart if SS had put us through what you and your DH have been through but even she would not squander her life on a toxic kid.
Just my thoughts of course.
She might have completely surprised me if we had to deal with what you have dealt with and flushed it all down the toilet in a futile effot to rescue a criminal kid.
I have probably spoken as a true no BKs SParent. I have no personal experience that even comes close to your painful journey.
Take care of you.
Expressing my sympathy
Do not feel bad about being an introvert and certainly not for not wanting to be a stepmom. I thought that I would, but it has turned out to be nothing as I never see skids and I now accept that as a very positive thing. I would hate being a stepmom more than by technicality (as in, their dad's wife). I really cannot stand kids to be honest. The exception is my own, fortunately - I love being a mom. But if I were not a mom and felt that way about all kids, I would make no apologies! My advice though - do not EVER put your financial health at risk for your husband let alone his brats. Keep your finances separate! It ensures you are in control of your own destiny and not being taken advantage of. Good luck to you.