You are here

S/O Annual Family Party

JYMCat's picture

S/O's family throws a bday party every year for S/O's grandmother who passed away years ago. This year, the party falls on a weekend that FSD is supposed to be with her mother. S/O has decided that the party is more important than FSD spending time with BM and is going to take her to BM's house today like usual but pick her up at some point on Sat before the party. As some of you may remember me saying, S/O and I live miles apart so on his weekends with his daughter I stay with them at his folk's house and on the weekends she's with her mom he comes to stay with me at my apartment. S/O didn't even know that this weekend FSD was supposed to be with her mother until I brought up the subject (I have the schedule on my calendar at work). I wanted to know what the travel plans would be since the 1st is my mom's bday so I wanted to know what time drop off would be to see if he'd be coming to dinner with my family. One thing led to another and he ended up feeling like I didn't want FSD to come to the party just because I thought it was selfish of him to decide to encroach on BM's time.

I know there is nothing I can do but go along with the program but do you guys think I was out of line when I said that it's not fair for S/O to decide that he's going to take FSD on BM's weekend without even talking to her first?

Orange County Ca's picture

Lacking input from the BM its hard to say. Generic advise: stay out of communications or doings between those two as long as its over the kid.

More generic advise: Never marry a person with kids.

Rags's picture

Your feelings and DH's are irrelevent regarding what the visitation CO says. BM's time is BMs time regardless of what is going on in Dad's world during BM's time. And vice versa of the course.

If I were BM I would file an immediate contempt motion against your DH if the kid does not show up on time.

We played this game with my Skid's Sperm Clan when they manipulated the visitation schedule. We were the CP household and the Sperm Idiot/Sperm Clan was the NCP/NCP household(s). They had a habbit of forgettign what day visitation ended on and would fail to put him on the airplane home after visitation. The "oops we forgot" crap brought the wrath of Rags down on them like a ton of shit in a 1gal ziplock.

We had the police or sheriff with one of my ILs collect the Skid in the most embarrassing manner possible when they pulled that crap. From their family reunions, in the middle of their church services, from neighborhood picnics, from family dinners at restaurants ..... }:) Having my bride's BFF's father be the chief of police of her small town and then the county Sherrif after he retired from the PD sure helped with this campaign.

Your DH needs to comply with the CO. DH gets BM's permission for the Skid to attend dead grandma's B-day or the Skid goes to moms. Period!

JYMCat's picture

I agree. S/O got permission from BM. Since the weekend was supposed to be a childless weekend I went to the party and then left and spent the rest of the weekend doing whatever I wanted to do. If S/O doesn't value OUR alone time enough to stick to the schedule and not take FSD for extra days, that doesn't mean I have to hang out with the two of them. I'm taking advantage of the fact that we don't live together. Idk what I'll do if we move in together.

Rags's picture

It is good to hear that your SO is at least complying with the CO. I am sorry to hear that he is not prioritizing your relationship over his spawn.

IMHO the marriage/adult relationship is the priority and always comes first for both partners. No kid ever trumps the marriage. Kids are the primary responsiblity but the marriage always remains the priority.

Our situation was a bit different than yours. My bride was the CP and we had the kid with us all the time except during the CO'd long distance visitation schedule for the entire 17+ years of the CO. (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring). It took a number of years but eventually I got my bride to realize that we could do things when the kid was in Sperm Land for visitation and there was no reason to feel guilty about it. It took me planning and paying for a few vacations and telling her I was going with or without her before she got on board without a notable level of depression and guilt that the Skid was not with us. For some reason BioParents seem to struggle with the unequivical truth that eventually the kids will launch and the couple will then have to exist and thrive as a couple rather than as a team raising spawn regardless of the biology of the spawn in the household.

Since my SS-22 launched 3 years ago my bride and I have very much enjoyed being DINK empty nesters. Sure, there are times when we miss the kid and would like to have him with us during one of our adventures but that does not infringe on our enjoyment of each other and what we are doing.

I hope your SO gains clarity soon.

Good luck.

JYMCat's picture

In this instance, S/O didn't follow the custody agreement. It was BM's weekend with FSD but he decided that his family party trumped the agreement. I personally don't see a problem in her missing the party. She doesn't play with her cousins and just follows her dad, aunt or me around. I can't imagine that's fun. Oh well, not my decision. My only issue is that S/O and I switch off driving weekends so when he or BM don't follow the agreement, it falls on me to bridge the gap between us two. If I decide to stay in my neck of the woods S/O gets his panties in a bunch. I really wouldn't care if it didn't effect me when they don't follow the agreement but unfortunately it does.

BethAnne's picture

If it is a party once a year then yes your SO was right to try to include his daughter so that she can bond with his family. Yes it is shitty that you loose a weekend alone with him but it is once a year...get over it.

Yes there are lots of ways he could have handled it better....remembering in advance that it wasn't his weekend with his daughter, talking to you about it telling you that he is sorry you two don't get your weekend together but his family party is important to him. But skipping the annual party or excluding his daughter from it I don't think are reasonable demands.

As for asking BM in advance, yes again he should have been organized enough to remember to ask her, but fortunately for him she is reasonable enough to let her daughter enjoy time with her extended family and presumably had no significant plans. I'm sure at some point your SO can repay the favor to BM so that you and your SO can have some alone time or when something comes up at the last minute for BM your SO can be flexible enough to let BM take her daughter.

Yes some people have to stick to the letter of the CO, others who are fortunate enough to deal with reasonable people can be flexible when required.

As for moving in together, if you can't even spend one weekend with the SD then I would either not bother moving in together until she finishes visitations or keep your apartment so you have a retreat on SD weekends or just let this relationship go...maybe it isn't for you.

JYMCat's picture

You misunderstood my point. Also, S/O has full physical custody of FSD. She sees her extended family literally everyday because she lives with them and her father. BM however only gets to see her daughter EOW so I don't think it's fair that S/O takes some of what little time BM already has. I am not DEMANDING anything. We simply didn't agree that it was fair for him to be taking FSD on BM's time. At not point in my conversation with him or in my post did I say I was demanding him to do anything. I also don't spend ONE weekend with her it's every other weekend IF BM doesn't flake. Which she does constantly so more often than not, it's EVERY weekend. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to opt out of a weekend to spend time with MY family and friends. S/O rarely will pack FSD in the car to attend something with me so I'm left with having to choose between seeing him or my people. I think that would bother a lot of people not just me.