Sick kids and sleep
Hi,
Spending the night back at my place (it’s been turned into an AirBnB since I moved in with partner and kids). I’m exhausted and I have a mental health issue which is exacerbated by lack of sleep. One of the main reasons for not having biological children is the lack of sleep, it would cause me to fall apart at the seams.
I work full time, study, co-manage my AirBnB and have my partner and two step boys aged eight and ten. Both have been sick with bronchitis. First the ten year old coughed and coughed all night - sleepless night. Then eight year old got sick. Last night he coughed all night and his room is attached to ours. I’m working with mental health clients and woke up feeling awful, I’m sick too. I told my partner that I needed a night away to sleep and the shit hit the fan, he couldn’t handle it. Gave me every guilt trip under the sun and made me feel like the worst person in the world. “Do you don’t love me and the boys? Think you can just leave whenever you want? What will happen when we get married? You obviously don’t care about us etc etc.”
I reiterated that I do everything for his boys, I think I go above and beyond and I know the boys love me and I love them. But I draw the line over losing sleep because of how I suffer, I chose not to have my own children for this reason! We have fought about it before, this is my first night away in over 18 months. I think his expectations of what a step parent should do differed from mine. Help! Our relationship will not work if I can’t seek space when I’m desperate. He accuses me of not wanting to be part of the family. I say, let me go and I will come back better and with more to give. Don’t know what to do, I feel trapped.
Maybe he's not the man for you
Sounds like your expectations are very different. Personally I don't understand why somebody who knows they don't want kids for whatever reason - and I respect that decision - would seriously date a partner with young kids. All the potential issues you would have to put up with are still there, and they're not even your own kids.
Biological kids
I love kids, I was a teacher for 14 years. The decision not to have my own was due to having a Mother with bipolar disorder and me being on the spectrum. My fear of developing full blown bipolar has just been too high to risk having my own. I love my partner’s boys and I know they love me heaps. Without that, I wouldn’t stay as they are such a big part of his life. But, I know we need to discuss expectations of me as a step parent more, I give my all and was stunned at his reaction. We’re talking about it....
Thanks so much for your input, I’ve just joined this site and it’s great to know that I can reach out and get advice from other step parents who have been doing this a lot longer than me.
That's really shitty on his
That's really shitty on his part. My DH would have said, "Go, take care of yourself, I know you need sleep." HIS kids are not your problem. Please don't marry him. He should care about your needs just as much as his own or those of his kids.
I do agree with mro, though - why be with a guy with kids if kid behavior stresses you out? This won't be the last time you lose sleep over them, for one reason or another.
Guest he disappointed
But those kids are his and BM responsibility only. Not yours, you have to disengage somewhat and let him take on more responsibility for his own kids. You are not the only back up plan there is. You are not the mother and you are not the babysitter.
Yes, the kids are his and BM
Yes, the kids are his and BM responsiblilty. You are not the mother. You are not the babysitter. You are his significant other and live in the household.
But, kids do get sick and sick kids can cause whoever else is in the household to lose sleep. You didn't indicate that he expected you to take care of the kids. You said that the coughing disturbed your sleep.
If your health is such that occasional lack of sleep is a major problem, than this may not be the relationship for you.
I didn’t add that he said “I
I didn’t add that he said “I didn’t see you getting up to SS in the night”. I said “what?! You expect me to?” Surely not, he has gotten up to his kids for 8-10 years and all of a sudden it’s my job? I wouldn’t think they would want me in the middle of the night when they are sick anyway.
It’s not the first time the boys have kept us awake whilst sick. It’s happened many times. But this time I was sick, exhausted, working long shifts in a new job, studying and several days prior had both boys coughing all night. I just couldn’t cope anymore and needed to work a ten hour shift the next day. I wouldn’t have asked to spend one night away unless I was desperate.
I'm not going to call your SO
I'm not going to call your SO selfish, though using the kids was a manipulative move.
If You have lived with him for 18 months, then one night say you're staying elsewhere because you can't handle the lack of sleep, I can see why he had a moment of panic (exacerbated, I'm sure, by his own lack of sleep). From his point of view, things are a little rough at the moment, and it probably feels like you're ditching him when things are tough.
Have you two chatted before about how lack of sleep will cause your mental health to spiral? If not, you saying you're just going back to your place is only exacerbating whatever feelings of insecurity he was feeling about the relationship.
You two need to sit down and talk about expectations from this relationship. I personally couldn't be with someone who had their own "escape place", especially if we loved and trusted each other enough to discuss marriage. That isn't a popular opinion on this board. I'd bet that you keeping a place you can escape to causes your SO some discomfort that he hasn't shared before, and you leaving for one night was the manifestation of his fear that you're always one foot out the door since you haven't given up your "single life".
I don't think you're wrong for doing what you need to do, but I also don't think he is wrong for feeling insecure about you leaving. The timing for this fight was wrong, and the way it was handled was poor. But, I think once everyone isn't sick and tired, you two can have a discussion on WHY this was such a big issue for him and whether this is going to be an ongoing problem in the future.
I can see your point, but I
I can see your point, but I guess I assumed that if they've lived together 18 months, they have discussed her need for sleep in order to function.
So you would insist your partner stay in the home and suffer rather than, say, go to a hotel or a family member's home in the event that they didn't have any other "escape place"? I would be annoyed if my DH ran off to his other apartment frequently, or whenever things got rough rather than having a discussion - but if he had a need to go somewhere in order to care for his health I wouldn't begrudge him that. To me, that's no different than sleeping in the guest room because someone is sick or snoring. (In this case it doesn't sound like they have another room for her to sleep in).
My "escape place" comment was
My "escape place" comment was more about having a partner who lived in a mutual home with me but had their own place that they could escape to whenever they wanted.
It's one thing to own property and rent it out for long-term renters. It's another to keep a place that essentially is "home" that just happens to be rented out day-to-day.
Some people are fine with that, and that's okay. I just couldn't be the person who had 1 home while my partner had 2, one that they could go to when things in our mutual home didn't meet their expectations. I don't want my partner to have to escape elsewhere except as a last resort. Sick kids are going to happen, and now is a great time for SO and OP to discuss their mutual needs when disruptions happen.
I do think it's fine that she left for the night knowing she needed space. I guess I am talking more "big picture". Clearly her leaving triggered something, and that should be discussed. I think it's too soon to jump on the "he sucks" bandwagon.
This is what I reacted to
This is what I reacted to (sorry, I don't know how to quote properly):
"Gave me every guilt trip under the sun and made me feel like the worst person in the world. “Do you don’t love me and the boys? Think you can just leave whenever you want? What will happen when we get married? You obviously don’t care about us etc etc.”
This is beyond reason, IMO. Being upset and asking what the plan is after they marry is different than what she describes here. I guess I expect mature people to not be nasty and manipulative when they are upset - as I try not to be myself.
I don't agree with him being
I don't agree with him being manipulative like that, but I also know that people can say stupid things when they are tired and feel hurt. I'm not saying what he said is right, but I don't think it makes him horrible either (unless this is a pattern of behavior).
You’re right, there is
You’re right, there is nowhere to escape to!! Not even the toilet, we are crammed into a three bedroom rental and the boy’s rooms are attached to ours. I have never heard a child cough so loud!! It’s like three men combined. Ear plugs do nothing.
I sacrificed my first ever home which I bought myself to move in with him and the kids. I’d only lived there 9 months. I was alone for a long time before meeting SO and had never lived with kids before. In order for us to buy a house, it will be my place which we have to use as equity, he has no savings. I refuse to move into a bigger rental as I can see us getting trapped in the rental cycle forever. I never wanted to rent again and scraped for years to buy my own place. It’s bern so nice to spend two nights here alone!!
I have talked to my partner about my mental health issues, most of the time I’m pretty good but lately I’ve realised that working full time, kids, studying and running an AirBnB has been taking its toll and I’ve had no time off to focus on my health. Add mental
health to that mix and it was just a disaster waiting to happen!
We have sat down and had a
We have sat down and had a big talk now, there were lots of factors which led to me needing a night away, including me also being sick, starting a new full time job, studying and more. I guess I was hurt by his reaction, I felt like I was doing 110% and he said “I didn’t see you getting up to SS in the night”.
I said “am I expected to??” I didn’t know that he thought I should be doing that!
I am organising us to go to premarital counselling to talk about both our expectations - especially around my SM role. I feel that I do more than enough and if that is not enough, I will have to seriously consider our future.
Your SO’s reaction to you
Your SO’s reaction to you spending ONE night away (under unusual circumstances) was excessive, and worrisome. It is always amazing to me that these men just think someone should come in, love their kids like their own and want to spend just as much time with their kids as them, and never need alone time. Like what in the actual f*ck? Most people have a hard time spending a large amount of time with other people’s kids- I’m not sure why this should be different for SM’s. Everyone needs time away. You needing a night away for sleep is understandable.
I need time away from skids, without being sick and having trouble sleeping. I regularly go to the gym after work, and then maybe one night a week i’ll do something with friends, go shopping, whatever else I can come up with when we have them. Just to regroup and keep my frustration with skids to a minimum. I also go on trips with friends or fly to visit friends a few times a year. My SO has no problem with any of this. He did have a moment of “you should want to be playing with skids and spending all this time with them!”, but when I pointed out why that was ridiculous, he admitted I had made some good points and he hadn’t thought of things that way.
It’s possible he was worried you may be looking for a way out, since you haven’t done this before, but if you can’t get him to see your point or this becomes a pattern, Tahtbis a huge red flag and I would seriously reconsider this relationship.
Let you go? He has no say
Let you go? He has no say over whether you go or not and the fact that he is taking exception to your needed health related retreat makes him an ass of monumental proportions and proves a lack of character of similar monumental proportions.
Don't even have these talks with him. You tell, he sucks it up. PERIOD!
Take care of you.,
Thanks everyone
thanks to everyone who contributed to this forum - I was blown away to read people’s comments, that you took the time out of your busy lives to give me your perspective.
I know I’m lucky to have somewhere I can go to - in fact I only had my own place for nine months before I met my partner and his boys. They couldn’t live here as it’s too small, so I moved into their three bedroom unit (also small). It just sits here when there are no guests, so to not use it myself from time to time seems a waste. There’s no mess, no clutter, it’s always tidy and pretty inviting - but this was the first time I’ve ever spent the night back here since I left and became the boys’ SM.
He admitted he was scared I wanted to leave him. I had to reassure him that this wasn’t the case. I think it was good for him to have some time to think about everything, last night he spent the night alone, the boys went back to their Mum and I brought my (now our) dog here. He had some time to reflect on how much I do for him and the boys.
He has agreed to come to counselling to discuss my SM role - we have never sat down and had this discussion! I met his boys in the first week of us meeting and I’ve been a part of their lives ever since. So - it about time I think!
He now knows that if I need to spend a night alone, then that is my right and I would do that whether he had kids or not!