Quick question:
Let's say you have your first ever baby.... How much time would you want of no skid visits, while you adjust to your new life as a bio mother? How much do you think is reasonable?
"Edited to ask: If YOU had two older children and had a new baby, would you send your kids away so that you could spend time with just the baby? Of course you wouldn'T."
I think there are two answers to this. 1) None. The skid is part of the blended family and things should go on as usual. or .... 2) As long as YOU decide. If the Skid(s) is/are toxic and an invasive total PITA then banish them for as long as you need to be in a good place.
As for reinforcing BM's mantra that Dad will love the new baby more, you don't matter anymore, SM hates you, etc.... if the kids are being confronted consistently for each and every toxic behavioral violation of the rules in your/dad's home then their banishment should be no mystery to them and who could give a flying rat's ass what BM has to say or thinks about it?
If BM does the PAS thing then DH needs to bring the facts about BM's manipulations directly to his prior relationship kids and bare BM's ass.
I agree. I just read a couple of other threads before this, so imagining a miserable sm who is uncomfortable in her own home when skids are there, and WITH a brand new baby... it's too much. I remember when my dd was newborn and the IL came for Thanksgiving. She was a week old and it was horrible. If your skids stress you out, you should get a break from them. There's nothing like being sleep deprived and (hopefully) trying to establish breastfeeding with additional stress on top of it. Yuck.
IIRC your the one who was talking no visitations for three months and then when restarting cutting them from twice a month to once.
While I do understand while you would be fearful on safety ect, I do think you're going to have to be reasonable. Say your baby were to be born on a Monday for example. IMO by Saturday afternoon your husband should go and pick up his son and take SS out for an afternoon. The father should not be expected to just not see his other child. I also think you should not make DH feel guilty (on purpose or otherwise) for slipping out for the Saturday outing with the older boy.
I would think that if the older son is calm and doing well that afternoon, a sing by to your home for a short 30 minute 'meet your sibling' (well supervised o course) would be something to think about. I do understand where you're coming from on this due to the older child's meltdowns. However it is important that your DH spend time with SS. As to how soon and for how long the initial early introductions are really depends on how the older child is doing at that time in the future.
Yours isn't an easy question/answer , as your case with SS is a bit different than perhaps others who have responded might have experienced and/or could expect to experience. I guess it should really be presented to your husband not so much as 'how long I want to bond/adjust to the baby prior to SS's visitations', but rather the actual circumstances. It depends on SS. You aren't going to subject yourself and a newborn baby to meltdowns. Perhaps DH and you can play the scenario game. Discuss what you both think on this, that , and yet another and as to how you both would handle each. If nothing else you should help DH plan alternative visitations/outings with SS so that SS does see his father and at least short beginnings of relationship with the baby. Hopefully between now and the time that it would take for future baby (IIRC you're not currently pregnant), DH will work on handling and parenting SS.
I am also with the None lot. The skids need to be involved so they don't geel segregated. As that will be more of an issue in the upcoming months of years. They will be feeling like they have been replaced any way. I too am planning a family very soon so I also understand I don't want them around either however have to suck it up and just deal with it
My fiance has already said to me that when that time comes he wants to skip/swop his weekend should I be due to give birth during his time with SD. Reason being it is standard practice here for mother and baby to be confined to hospital for a few days and visiting hours are restricted for children.
However the likelihood of baby arriving on a due date unless induced or planned C-section is so small that I doubt it will come to it.
Honestly though Im happy with that, should I give birth on a thursday night/friday morning that would be the beginning of a SD weekend, I think it would be better/nicer for SD to stay with her BM over that weekend rather than be dragged to the hospital. But then it depends massively on the step kids age, at the moment SD is only 4. By the time we would be likely to have a child she is going to be what? 7/8 years old? At that age her level of understanding is much higher so I wouldnt have any issue of her visiting in hospital and leaving.
But in terms of once you are home with baby? Life goes on as normal, including visitation time.
Me and DP have agreed that overnight visits will be put on hold if / when we have a baby. He will still see them EOWE as normal but no more sleepovers as 3 skids and a newborn is simply too much. Also, all this talk of "would you send your kids away if you had a baby" is a load or rubbish...everyone knows skids and bios are two completely different things.
You're entitled to your opinion of course, but I couldn't disagree more, and I think that this sort of attitude adds fuel to the fire. Stepparents being hypocrites doesn't help anything.
That's fine and yes it is just my opinion. I know I'm less conventional than most SM's but this is what works for me and my DP, I'm not saying this is what everyone should do.
"everyone knows skids and bios are two completely different things."
So explain where these skids come from then, please. Are they not bio child to one of the adults in the home? They don't stop being bios merely because the stepparent prefers to call them skids...their bio parent still is their bio parent and still is every part of much of their bio parent as any new baby is. What about the SM's bio children? Do they each tossed out too? Even if the SM's bios live I the home fulltime, they are still 'just the skids' to the stepdad aka father of the new baby.
Amazes me how some seem to think of 'skids' as deposable optional items that can/should just be eliminated when additional children start entering the picture.
Of course they are two different things, if not then sites like this wouldn't exist would they. Everyone's situation is different but if BF is not the primary care giver and his and SM's home is not the skids main residence, then I can't see a problem with tweaking the schedule to accommodate a new mother. I'm sure it's difficult enough having a baby without the headache and stress of skids. And as much as anyone denies it, it is different for the female who has just given birth what with raging hormones, lack of sleep and possible physical trauma from the birth.
Sally, when Chucky is your SS trust me you need a week before facing the screaming spewing hatred of having birthed a female child. That and you need to be able to run interference when the spade comes out.
Ladies, I hear you. Having said that every situation is unique. When a SK rejects their dad, you, your daughter and the child you are giving birth to there is no way in hell that child is coming in to the hospital room.
Were it a normal SK relationship and the birth of the sibling was not causing immense upset and violent outburst then absolutely come see baby.
SS has contact. You've read my posts and given great advice. He's just not bonded to us. He's violent and when pushed acts out. He resented the birth of DD and does not acknowledge her existence. He had a major blow out two weeks before I was due. No woman on this planet would allow him near their baby, newborn or otherwise, after what he said and threatened. And yes he is just 6 years old.
Sally, that was my bridge to die on as you call it here. As it happens I had a planned C-Section and it was agreed SS would go to his favorite place. Sods law DD decided she was coming 5 days before scheduled C and this was a non issue.
I can't understand why people are failing to acknowledge the absence of the one fundamental thing that makes multiple children tolerable which is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
SOME BM'S have that option because they made the choice not to have their first kids with a man children. You can't expect to have the same experiences when you make different life choices.
You could just as easily turn this around and ask why someone with a kid and all that responsibility would even enter a new relationship without being prepared to minimize the past relationships impact on the present, and make sure the new persons once-in-a-lifetime-experiences isnt blunted?
Saying that we on bio-free zone made a choice when we entered the relationship with a parent makes no sense here either. None of us knew what skids/kids was going to be like because none of us had children of our own.
The argument of us "choosing a package" and "made that choice" makes no sense to us. Every time I hear it all I can think is " A choice is choosing between things, and you never told me what things I was choosing between, thus no choice has ever been made."
Totally agree with LF. I know moms who have had their bios stay with a family member for the first week or so after they had a newborn.
I can understand both perspectives, but I think it can be a bit different when it's not your bio that you're bringing your new baby home to. If dad is all over his bio, that's one thing, but if he's a disney-dad, that can be a whole other problem!
I have to say anyone can have an opinion and we all do. But the only person or persons to answer your question is you and your SO/DH.
I am sure I will get lynched for saying what we did but I will. I gave birth from a planned c-section on a tuesday, my kids were due to be with me, they weren't. They stayed with their father that day until that thursday. I was released on thursday and my kids were overly excited to see their new sister, my kids were upset when school started and they could no longer go to the ultrasounds.
DH decided he wouldn't get his kids that weekend because:
1. It was alot, 4 kids and a baby
2. His kids had NO, ZERO interest in us having our baby anyways
His kids didn't care so much they actually didn't want to come for the next month after we had the baby, Our dd was like 6-7 weeks old before the skids would even grace us with their choatic presence.
I never asked DH not to let the SDs come, that was all on him. I did ask that his ex-W not come to the hospital PERIOD. DH had the idea that all the kids were going to visit me in the hospital. I told him I was not keen on that at all. This was my 3rd c-section and trust me roudy kids with stitches and staples are not a good combination. None of the kids visited us in the hospital.
My mom sent us ALL away when she had a baby. She had so many kids she couldn't even keep up with us after bringing home a new baby. As I got older I was able to stay behind to help but she still sent all the other kids away for at least a week so she could think straight while dealing with a new baby.
I also think anyone's first child birth is as equally stressful as it is special so they should be able to enjoy it regardless if they are a step mom or not. Each situation is different but at the end of the day it is really up to each family to figure out what works for them. What works for the Smiths might not work for the Jones.
My husband's brother and his wife just had a baby and the sets of grandparents took turns watching their other three children during labor, delivery, and a day or so after. The older kids got a hospital visit to see the baby, but then were taken back to one of the grandparents homes. It was planned and expected. Even when my brother-in-law came to get his three older from my in-laws house he stayed a bit and said, "I'll give mom another hour or so of quiet before I bring the circus home." -I think he totally got it and they are his own bio kids!
If I ever have a baby with my husband, I'll ask for the same. BM is so high conflict I won't even dream of asking for her to do anything to convenience me...but I will ask that my in-laws watch them during labor, delivery, and at least a few hours after I get home-unless it's BM's normal time, then she will be helping me without even trying! }:)
Yes. My mother sent my brother and I away to friends and family when she had my younger sister. All her own bio kids, all in an intact family. And then she came down with a serious case of the flu, and had to stay in hospital for well over a week. The nurses would wake her when it was feeding time.
I would need at least a week of no overnights with my SS when I have my first bio newborn baby, and would be more comfortable with 2 weeks. I think you should do what feels right to you. Personally, I would need some time to get used to taking care of a baby. I wouldn't be so stressed/overwhelmed with a short 1hr visit with the Skid, even if he visited every day, just as long as it were short. I would also be a lot more comfortable with the Skid being dropped off at our house for a short visit rather than my DH leaving me alone with our newborn baby for a few hours (that goes for any reason, not just to go see his kid). I don't care if that sounds needy to some people, I think it's quite normal for a new mother to need her man with her, or at least not be left alone too long, especially in the first week. That's why dad's often get paternity leave and why friends and family drop off food and stuff. The parents and newborn baby need to be with each other, this fact doesn't change just because there's another kid in the picture.
It's not anything against the SS, and if anyone tried to accuse me of 'keeping DH from his son' while I'm trying to learn how to take care of our newborn and while DH and I are bonding with our newborn baby, then someone would get slapped! It is NOT my fault that he can't see his son every day like he wants to, that's on him and his ex, not me, and I refuse to allow someone to blame me for that. I will need my husband at times, (like when I give birth to our baby) and I can't guarantee that it won't fall on a day that he's scheduled to have his son. I will not ever let someone make me feel bad for needing my DH.
Stepkids are different than your own bio kids. If I had older bio kids, then obviously I would already know what to expect with a newborn so it wouldn't give me so much anxiety. But who knows? Maybe I would send my older bio kids to grandmas for a few days with each newborn baby I have, I wouldn't know that until I am in the situation, but it does seem like a great idea.
Even if the Skid is well-behaved, kids are just so needy. It does depend on age, but I got up to help my 5yr old SS 20 times just reading this thread (Open this, turn on that, look at me, get me this, play with me, etc.). I imagine I would be pretty overwhelmed if I had to do that and care for my first newborn baby.
To those who say 'let dad take care of his kid/s while you tend to the baby', I call BS on that... 1. you don't know how many times I'm stuck with his son at 6:30am while DH sleeps in til 10am, or how many times DH takes a 2 hour nap, and that's without the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn! 2. Even if DH did manage to stay awake, Dad needs to bond with his new baby too, so I think it'd be weird if we 'separated' and 'divided' the household so that one parent is only responsible for and spending time with one child while the other parent is only responsible for and spending time with the other child. Sounds damaging. It sounds like a BMs dream war tactic "divide and conquer!" 3. All kids need their parents. The baby is his child too! And frankly, a newborn needs both their parents more than an older child does, so give the newborn baby what they need.
Thanks catlettuce, but I
Thanks catlettuce, but I don't have any yet. I was just pondering for when we might have some in the future.
"Edited to ask: If YOU had
"Edited to ask: If YOU had two older children and had a new baby, would you send your kids away so that you could spend time with just the baby? Of course you wouldn'T."
Great point, Echo!
Add me to the none list.
Add me to the none list.
Keeping the kids away just reinforces the dad will love his new kid more than you crap that many BMs tell their kids.
I think there are two answers
I think there are two answers to this. 1) None. The skid is part of the blended family and things should go on as usual. or .... 2) As long as YOU decide. If the Skid(s) is/are toxic and an invasive total PITA then banish them for as long as you need to be in a good place.
As for reinforcing BM's mantra that Dad will love the new baby more, you don't matter anymore, SM hates you, etc.... if the kids are being confronted consistently for each and every toxic behavioral violation of the rules in your/dad's home then their banishment should be no mystery to them and who could give a flying rat's ass what BM has to say or thinks about it?
If BM does the PAS thing then DH needs to bring the facts about BM's manipulations directly to his prior relationship kids and bare BM's ass.
I agree. I just read a couple
I agree. I just read a couple of other threads before this, so imagining a miserable sm who is uncomfortable in her own home when skids are there, and WITH a brand new baby... it's too much. I remember when my dd was newborn and the IL came for Thanksgiving. She was a week old and it was horrible. If your skids stress you out, you should get a break from them. There's nothing like being sleep deprived and (hopefully) trying to establish breastfeeding with additional stress on top of it. Yuck.
IIRC your the one who was
IIRC your the one who was talking no visitations for three months and then when restarting cutting them from twice a month to once.
While I do understand while you would be fearful on safety ect, I do think you're going to have to be reasonable. Say your baby were to be born on a Monday for example. IMO by Saturday afternoon your husband should go and pick up his son and take SS out for an afternoon. The father should not be expected to just not see his other child. I also think you should not make DH feel guilty (on purpose or otherwise) for slipping out for the Saturday outing with the older boy.
I would think that if the older son is calm and doing well that afternoon, a sing by to your home for a short 30 minute 'meet your sibling' (well supervised o course) would be something to think about. I do understand where you're coming from on this due to the older child's meltdowns. However it is important that your DH spend time with SS. As to how soon and for how long the initial early introductions are really depends on how the older child is doing at that time in the future.
Yours isn't an easy question/answer , as your case with SS is a bit different than perhaps others who have responded might have experienced and/or could expect to experience. I guess it should really be presented to your husband not so much as 'how long I want to bond/adjust to the baby prior to SS's visitations', but rather the actual circumstances. It depends on SS. You aren't going to subject yourself and a newborn baby to meltdowns. Perhaps DH and you can play the scenario game. Discuss what you both think on this, that , and yet another and as to how you both would handle each. If nothing else you should help DH plan alternative visitations/outings with SS so that SS does see his father and at least short beginnings of relationship with the baby. Hopefully between now and the time that it would take for future baby (IIRC you're not currently pregnant), DH will work on handling and parenting SS.
I am also with the None lot.
I am also with the None lot. The skids need to be involved so they don't geel segregated. As that will be more of an issue in the upcoming months of years. They will be feeling like they have been replaced any way. I too am planning a family very soon so I also understand I don't want them around either however have to suck it up and just deal with it
My fiance has already said to
My fiance has already said to me that when that time comes he wants to skip/swop his weekend should I be due to give birth during his time with SD. Reason being it is standard practice here for mother and baby to be confined to hospital for a few days and visiting hours are restricted for children.
However the likelihood of baby arriving on a due date unless induced or planned C-section is so small that I doubt it will come to it.
Honestly though Im happy with that, should I give birth on a thursday night/friday morning that would be the beginning of a SD weekend, I think it would be better/nicer for SD to stay with her BM over that weekend rather than be dragged to the hospital. But then it depends massively on the step kids age, at the moment SD is only 4. By the time we would be likely to have a child she is going to be what? 7/8 years old? At that age her level of understanding is much higher so I wouldnt have any issue of her visiting in hospital and leaving.
But in terms of once you are home with baby? Life goes on as normal, including visitation time.
Me and DP have agreed that
Me and DP have agreed that overnight visits will be put on hold if / when we have a baby. He will still see them EOWE as normal but no more sleepovers as 3 skids and a newborn is simply too much. Also, all this talk of "would you send your kids away if you had a baby" is a load or rubbish...everyone knows skids and bios are two completely different things.
You're entitled to your
You're entitled to your opinion of course, but I couldn't disagree more, and I think that this sort of attitude adds fuel to the fire. Stepparents being hypocrites doesn't help anything.
That's fine and yes it is
That's fine and yes it is just my opinion. I know I'm less conventional than most SM's but this is what works for me and my DP, I'm not saying this is what everyone should do.
"everyone knows skids and
"everyone knows skids and bios are two completely different things."
So explain where these skids come from then, please. Are they not bio child to one of the adults in the home? They don't stop being bios merely because the stepparent prefers to call them skids...their bio parent still is their bio parent and still is every part of much of their bio parent as any new baby is. What about the SM's bio children? Do they each tossed out too? Even if the SM's bios live I the home fulltime, they are still 'just the skids' to the stepdad aka father of the new baby.
Amazes me how some seem to think of 'skids' as deposable optional items that can/should just be eliminated when additional children start entering the picture.
*disposable Of course they
*disposable
Of course they are two different things, if not then sites like this wouldn't exist would they. Everyone's situation is different but if BF is not the primary care giver and his and SM's home is not the skids main residence, then I can't see a problem with tweaking the schedule to accommodate a new mother. I'm sure it's difficult enough having a baby without the headache and stress of skids. And as much as anyone denies it, it is different for the female who has just given birth what with raging hormones, lack of sleep and possible physical trauma from the birth.
Sally, when Chucky is your SS
Sally, when Chucky is your SS trust me you need a week before facing the screaming spewing hatred of having birthed a female child. That and you need to be able to run interference when the spade comes out.
Ladies, I hear you. Having
Ladies, I hear you. Having said that every situation is unique. When a SK rejects their dad, you, your daughter and the child you are giving birth to there is no way in hell that child is coming in to the hospital room.
Were it a normal SK relationship and the birth of the sibling was not causing immense upset and violent outburst then absolutely come see baby.
SS has contact. You've read
SS has contact. You've read my posts and given great advice. He's just not bonded to us. He's violent and when pushed acts out. He resented the birth of DD and does not acknowledge her existence. He had a major blow out two weeks before I was due. No woman on this planet would allow him near their baby, newborn or otherwise, after what he said and threatened. And yes he is just 6 years old.
Sally, that was my bridge to
Sally, that was my bridge to die on as you call it here. As it happens I had a planned C-Section and it was agreed SS would go to his favorite place. Sods law DD decided she was coming 5 days before scheduled C and this was a non issue.
It isn't rubbish because all
It isn't rubbish because all of the kids are dad's bio kids.
^^^Couldn't agree more. I
^^^Couldn't agree more.
I can't understand why people are failing to acknowledge the absence of the one fundamental thing that makes multiple children tolerable which is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
SOME BM'S have that option
SOME BM'S have that option because they made the choice not to have their first kids with a man children. You can't expect to have the same experiences when you make different life choices.
You could just as easily turn
You could just as easily turn this around and ask why someone with a kid and all that responsibility would even enter a new relationship without being prepared to minimize the past relationships impact on the present, and make sure the new persons once-in-a-lifetime-experiences isnt blunted?
Saying that we on bio-free zone made a choice when we entered the relationship with a parent makes no sense here either. None of us knew what skids/kids was going to be like because none of us had children of our own.
The argument of us "choosing a package" and "made that choice" makes no sense to us. Every time I hear it all I can think is " A choice is choosing between things, and you never told me what things I was choosing between, thus no choice has ever been made."
Totally agree with LF. I
Totally agree with LF. I know moms who have had their bios stay with a family member for the first week or so after they had a newborn.
I can understand both perspectives, but I think it can be a bit different when it's not your bio that you're bringing your new baby home to. If dad is all over his bio, that's one thing, but if he's a disney-dad, that can be a whole other problem!
I have to say anyone can have
I have to say anyone can have an opinion and we all do. But the only person or persons to answer your question is you and your SO/DH.
I am sure I will get lynched for saying what we did but I will. I gave birth from a planned c-section on a tuesday, my kids were due to be with me, they weren't. They stayed with their father that day until that thursday. I was released on thursday and my kids were overly excited to see their new sister, my kids were upset when school started and they could no longer go to the ultrasounds.
DH decided he wouldn't get his kids that weekend because:
1. It was alot, 4 kids and a baby
2. His kids had NO, ZERO interest in us having our baby anyways
His kids didn't care so much they actually didn't want to come for the next month after we had the baby, Our dd was like 6-7 weeks old before the skids would even grace us with their choatic presence.
I never asked DH not to let the SDs come, that was all on him. I did ask that his ex-W not come to the hospital PERIOD. DH had the idea that all the kids were going to visit me in the hospital. I told him I was not keen on that at all. This was my 3rd c-section and trust me roudy kids with stitches and staples are not a good combination. None of the kids visited us in the hospital.
My mom sent us ALL away when
My mom sent us ALL away when she had a baby. She had so many kids she couldn't even keep up with us after bringing home a new baby. As I got older I was able to stay behind to help but she still sent all the other kids away for at least a week so she could think straight while dealing with a new baby.
I also think anyone's first child birth is as equally stressful as it is special so they should be able to enjoy it regardless if they are a step mom or not. Each situation is different but at the end of the day it is really up to each family to figure out what works for them. What works for the Smiths might not work for the Jones.
My husband's brother and his
My husband's brother and his wife just had a baby and the sets of grandparents took turns watching their other three children during labor, delivery, and a day or so after. The older kids got a hospital visit to see the baby, but then were taken back to one of the grandparents homes. It was planned and expected. Even when my brother-in-law came to get his three older from my in-laws house he stayed a bit and said, "I'll give mom another hour or so of quiet before I bring the circus home." -I think he totally got it and they are his own bio kids!
If I ever have a baby with my husband, I'll ask for the same. BM is so high conflict I won't even dream of asking for her to do anything to convenience me...but I will ask that my in-laws watch them during labor, delivery, and at least a few hours after I get home-unless it's BM's normal time, then she will be helping me without even trying! }:)
Yes. My mother sent my
Yes. My mother sent my brother and I away to friends and family when she had my younger sister. All her own bio kids, all in an intact family. And then she came down with a serious case of the flu, and had to stay in hospital for well over a week. The nurses would wake her when it was feeding time.
I would need at least a week
I would need at least a week of no overnights with my SS when I have my first bio newborn baby, and would be more comfortable with 2 weeks. I think you should do what feels right to you. Personally, I would need some time to get used to taking care of a baby. I wouldn't be so stressed/overwhelmed with a short 1hr visit with the Skid, even if he visited every day, just as long as it were short. I would also be a lot more comfortable with the Skid being dropped off at our house for a short visit rather than my DH leaving me alone with our newborn baby for a few hours (that goes for any reason, not just to go see his kid). I don't care if that sounds needy to some people, I think it's quite normal for a new mother to need her man with her, or at least not be left alone too long, especially in the first week. That's why dad's often get paternity leave and why friends and family drop off food and stuff. The parents and newborn baby need to be with each other, this fact doesn't change just because there's another kid in the picture.
It's not anything against the SS, and if anyone tried to accuse me of 'keeping DH from his son' while I'm trying to learn how to take care of our newborn and while DH and I are bonding with our newborn baby, then someone would get slapped! It is NOT my fault that he can't see his son every day like he wants to, that's on him and his ex, not me, and I refuse to allow someone to blame me for that. I will need my husband at times, (like when I give birth to our baby) and I can't guarantee that it won't fall on a day that he's scheduled to have his son. I will not ever let someone make me feel bad for needing my DH.
Stepkids are different than your own bio kids. If I had older bio kids, then obviously I would already know what to expect with a newborn so it wouldn't give me so much anxiety. But who knows? Maybe I would send my older bio kids to grandmas for a few days with each newborn baby I have, I wouldn't know that until I am in the situation, but it does seem like a great idea.
Even if the Skid is well-behaved, kids are just so needy. It does depend on age, but I got up to help my 5yr old SS 20 times just reading this thread (Open this, turn on that, look at me, get me this, play with me, etc.). I imagine I would be pretty overwhelmed if I had to do that and care for my first newborn baby.
To those who say 'let dad take care of his kid/s while you tend to the baby', I call BS on that... 1. you don't know how many times I'm stuck with his son at 6:30am while DH sleeps in til 10am, or how many times DH takes a 2 hour nap, and that's without the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn! 2. Even if DH did manage to stay awake, Dad needs to bond with his new baby too, so I think it'd be weird if we 'separated' and 'divided' the household so that one parent is only responsible for and spending time with one child while the other parent is only responsible for and spending time with the other child. Sounds damaging. It sounds like a BMs dream war tactic "divide and conquer!" 3. All kids need their parents. The baby is his child too! And frankly, a newborn needs both their parents more than an older child does, so give the newborn baby what they need.