Not sure about biokids
Hi,
just new to this forum, looking for some advice from other stepmoms. My partner and I have been together for 3 years, and he has 4 kids (4-8-10-12). The kids are with us 40% of the time and we get along decently well. When I started this relationship, I did not want biokids. I never really did, I always envisioned myself being a foster parent or adopting, or just being childless and traveling. Lately however, I have been really struggling with being childless. When I am doing laundry, making lunches, driving kids around, hunting for Christmas presents,..., I wonder why, if I am picking this lifestyle, I am not having my own children. Why I am investing all this time and money in kids that already have a mom and are not looking for or want someone like me. Don't get me wrong, I really like his kids, they just already have a mom. I know my partner does not want more kids, and honestly, I don't know where we would find the time. Taking care of his four in addition to a full-time job is keeping us both busy. I can't see us having our own kids in this situation. So I feel like I am stuck. And I feel selfish. My partner and I have a really good relationship, and there is a lot of love in our little messy family, but I am hurting and feeling like I am missing out. I really don't know what to do.
I feel the same way
Sometimes I feel just the same way. I have an ok relationship with my step son whose mother is very narcissis. So when I get involved and argue with my DH I ask myself why I don’t do all this house work and have this struggles with my own kids? I feel that I am investing time and energy on something that won’t pay back as it may would if I were a mother
You should have biokids if
You should have biokids if you want them. I, too, am a childless stepmom and it really, really sucks sometimes. It's like you get to feel childless without any of the benefits of being child-free. What kind of deal is that?
Like you, I really love my DH. I had assumed this feeling would get better and go away once all the skids launched and we became empty-nesters. Now skids are all 18+ and out of the house...we see them only occasionally and I don't do anything for them other than a holiday meal or birthday present here and there.
In some ways, the horrible feeling has gotten better and it seems DH and I are on more equal footing...but in some ways, the horrible feeling has intensified. DH has texts and calls with his three young adult kids...who never, ever text or call me now that they're out on their own, even though I invested years in caring for them. So it's like he has this separate life that I'm not really part of except in the most tangential of ways.
Sometimes, I look ahead and see nothing but decades of "family milestones" where I'm just lurking around the outskirts, in the family but not really par of it...graduations, weddings, grandkids, holidays, family reunions, etc. Looking at it that way, it seems pretty miserable...even though I'm mostly happy in my current relationship.