No More Alone Time

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Hi everyone, I'm new here and needed a place to vent my frustration. Sorry if this is a bit negative.

BF and I have been together for 3 years. He has a 5 yr old daughter . BF and BM have no formal agreement, it was EOW since they split up when the girl was 1.

This year BF got a new job and works later in the evenings so he couldn't pick her up after school. BM was "uncomfortable" with him getting his daughter ready for school so now she has her during the week and we have daughter every weekend. That was after BM tried to talk him into quitting his job because he was choosing work over his child.

I get along with the daughter but I'm not super close to her. I'm more indifferent to her and no matter what I do I can't force the relationship to be any more than that. I've had a hard time accepting that real life isn't like on tv but now i've come to terms that I care about her but don't love her and that's okay because she's not my child.

He doesn't like the every weekend arrangement because of our lack of alone time and not seeing her during the week, and neither do I but I had no say. The only weekends I can spend with him now is when BM has plans with her and I get "i'm free if you wanna do something that weekend."

It's been 3 weeks and I feel like I never see BF anymore. We don't see each other much during the week because "I work too much." BF doesn't understand how I can have a job that I like and actually enjoy working. He also complains that I spend more time at work when his daughter's around instead of doing things with them but he pays way less attention to me when she's there and I don't get any say in what we do together so I may as well be productive. So now I work sunday's and get friday's to myself. I'm introverted and need quiet time every weekend.

I don't want to tell him he can't see his daughter. He's a great dad and they enjoy their time together. I just don't have a really strong connection with her and I feel like BF is more like a roommate now. I wish he would stand up to BM because I know he is more than capable of getting his daughter ready for school. I've mentioned that they should get a formal arrangement but he doesn't want to waste the money and is worried it won't work in his favour. I don't need all the time with BF, just a bit more quality time.

I'm just really struggling with this new schedule. I always looked forward to our 'date weekends' when it was just us and was adapting to having a child in the home. Lockdown definitely helped me adjust but now I'm having to readjust all over again.

Idk, I know covid has disrupted a lot of routines but this wasn't what I expected when we moved in together. I wish I could get more quality alone time with my man at least one weekend a month. I love him but I don't love being an occasional gf.

Idk how old you are but of

Idk how old you are but of you are young and/or have no children of your own, this does not sound like a fun way to spend the rest of your life. He has no formal parenting plan so BM has too much control of your home. You have no say in when the child is there and it sounds like not much warning of changes. It just sounds, well, crappy. If your BF wants to take his balls back and get a formal CO which is more favorable to both of you, and just needs a little support, great. If he is reluctant, doesn't want to rock the boat, or makes you feel guilty, living with this long term is going to suck.

He doesn't want to go to

He doesn't want to go to court because he thinks dad's never win and he'll see her even less. He also backtracked on his story and said he agreed to every weekend in the best interest of his child. I have anxiety so a CO would put me at ease a bit but it seems like he's gonna keep holding off on that.

The situation sucks but the thought of leaving him breaks my heart. Thanks for your input!

You are not a priority

Nor his partner. How can you be when BM calls all the shots?

This will not get better unless your BF gets a real plan in place and learns to balance his life.

Unless you want this to be the next 20 years, get out of this one sided relationship. Find someone who is available and has their life together. Not someone who lets an ex determine how their life will be. It won't end when the girl turns 18.

Hurts to read but something I

Hurts to read but something I've suspected for a while. Apparently I don't spend enough time with both him and his daughter so I haven't earned more alone time. I wish we were a cute happy family but I can't force that relationship with his daughter *shrug*

Why does BM get to decide

Why does BM get to decide when he sees his kid? He needs to go get a court order.

He's afraid it won't work in

He's afraid it won't work in his favour. I've talked to a few people about it and they don't seem to think it's necessary. He's just trying to keep things civil. But I totally agree with you

I've mentioned that they

I've mentioned that they should get a formal arrangement but he doesn't want to waste the money and is worried it won't work in his favour.

So, he's just going to let BM call the shots, forever? Not having a formal agreement is going to bite him in the ass, as well as keep him hostage.

If there is no formal visitation agreement, I'm guessing there is no formal child support agreement, either?

No formal CS, and he doesn't

No formal CS, and he doesn't want to give money to his ex which is another reason he's putting off seeing a lawyer. Usually they split larger expenses 50/50 although she recently told him he owed her $250 for daughter's new snowsuit. I told him to ask to see a receipt and he wouldn't even do that.

Sadly I don't know if I would even care if no agreement comes back and bites him in the ass. It's just do I expect to happen.

So your BF is telling you he calls all the shots

In this relationship. You have no say? You let BM control your home and SD ? With all his time working he should have money to get a lawer to get a CO

So your BF is telling you he calls all the shots

In this relationship. You have no say? You let BM control your home and SD ? With all his time working he should have money to get a lawer to get a CO

I'm the workaholic not him,

I'm the workaholic not him, but I still think he should see a lawyer. Even if he doesn't go to court he could get some advice. I see it as an investment into his and his daughter's relationship. He sees it as a gamble that's too risky.

Thank you

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment and share your opinions. It helps that you don't seem to think I'm being selfish.

we discussed this tonight and BF says I still need to try harder to make his daughter feel more welcome at home and spend more time with the two of them, so I haven't earned more alone time with just him. He also mentioned that I could just switch my work schedule to be free when he is.

I'm going to see my therapist at the end of the week so I'm looking forward to hearing her thoughts on this situation. I also suggested to BF that we do couples counseling but he said we don't need to because he already knows what the counselor is going to tell me that I need to change.

I'm glad we talked because we both got out some frustrations but I'm still confused and don't feel like anything got resolved.

But thanks all for being so kind, I really appreciate it!

Please note that he is

Please note that he is putting it all on you - in all cases, YOU have to change... He's perfect, bm does no wrong, but you have to change. As for being expected to EARN alone time with him, that is so far from normal that I'd wonder about his mental health. The man's delusional.

Do you realize that what you are seeing now is how things will always be? Can you live like tht? Always being last on the list of priorities?

He's made all kinds of

He's made all kinds of accommodations for me and now it's time for me to meet him halfway!

I'm aware of what he's doing. This happens after every disagreement when he feels attacked and needs to spin things so that they're my fault. My mother is the same way so I'm used to it.

I don't know much about blended families so idk if that was a normal request or not. It's the second time he's mentioned that I haven't earned my place in the family. I feel bad because I do avoid spending a lot of time with daughter. The connection isn't there right now and it's overwhelming for me. I'm working on it and it's a very slow process but bf thinks I'm not trying enough.

His reaction right there is

His reaction right there is all you need. Run from this guy! You haven't "earned" alone time? What are you, a puppy jumping for treats? This sounds like a one-sided relationship I would NOT want to be a part of. Only he decides when it's okay to have "couple time"? Why is he pinning it on you to "try harder" with his daughter? He is accomodating BM and doing favors for her. As long as that stands, you will always come last. HE needs to grow a spine and get an official CO. The "I'm scared I'll lose time" is all bullsh!t. Even if he doesn't have money for a lawyer, he can look up sample custody templates online. Propose something with BM and then just get it signed off on. With my experience, the "agreements" between bioparents always blow up. Do you really want to deal with this for the next 13 years of your life??

He must have a crystal ball

Meg, I hope things work out but rereading this thread, I'm struck with how he clings to his own opinions. He doesn't want to get professional legal advice like 100% of experienced Steptalkets advise because he knows what they will say. He doesnt want to go to professional couples counseling which you guys obviously need because he knows what they will say. I'm seeing a stubborn pattern here and I'm incensed for you that you have to "earn" time with him for any reason, much less by spending more time with him & daughter. Think about this, Meg. Not good.

Lol I wish he did

He's very stubborn and doesn't take criticism well at all. I started going to counseling for my own reasons which he encouraged me. It's really been helping but when I suggested he could also go for some help he said he doesn't need a stranger telling him what he's doing wrong.

This morning he told me he'll go see a counselor with me but made it clear that he was only doing it to appease me because he doesn't think we need it and it won't change anything for him.

I'm not going to force him to go right now because he obviously doesn't want to change so I'm just going to continue working on my own improvement and figuring things out with my therapist.

As another user mentioned, I guess it's not normal for me to have to earn my time. He takes offense to the fact that I'm not head over heels obsessed with his daughter and want to spend all my free time with her. I'm trying to work on it, but it's not a fast enough process for him.

Thanks for your input it's really appreciated!

Your are not selfish

But your you and BF are not on the same page. He wants the Big Happy Family. Where all three of you spend every minute of the day together. Singing , dancing, and loving each other, note he did not get that with the ex, or she would not be the ex.
You want a relationship with him as normal people do. Fun Audlt time with BF without SD. You need professional help trying to work this out. You will never do this on your own. If he does not want to try professional help. It's time for a exit plan because he will never change,m

You make a very good point

that we both have completely different expectations. I want the big happy family thing too but it's hard when he only wants me to be a friend to her and nothing more, and all she cares about is spending time with her dad. Maybe our connection will grow over time, maybe it won't.

He wants to be able to spend all his time with daughter, I respect that but I personally don't. I respect her when she's home but I don't get excited for her visit and bf is offended by that. So I do things I want or need to do when she's here, and he gets personally offended that I'm avoiding her. The child already has two parents that love her. She doesn't need me and she also doesn't come over to see me. I can't force that relationship as sad as it is that things didn't turn out the way we all wanted.

He said he'll go but is certain it won't change anything. I'm not going to force him right now. I'll continue going to my own personal therapist and try to figure things out with her. She's already noticed red flags in the relationship. Some of them are on me which I'm trying to work on, but I can't change bf if he doesn't want to.

Thank you so much for your comment and giving me something to think about!

BF says I still need to try

BF says I still need to try harder to make his daughter feel more welcome at home and spend more time with the two of them, so I haven't earned more alone time with just him.

I'm sorry, what? You haven't earned more alone time with him?

He should probably just be single for awhile, until he figures out A) how to balance parenthood and a relationship, B ) that other people will not be in love with his kid, and that's okay, and C) how to not be such a jerk.

I'm in the US, and not making it legally clear that you are paying CS WILL bite one in the ass, and hard.

I'm finally seeing how

I'm finally seeing how ridiculous this is!

In order for him to give up any of his already limited time with his daughter I need to:
1. Switch my work schedule to be off when he is and
2. Pay more attention to the daughter and do more things with the both of them

Our relationship isn't important enough for him to set time aside for the two of us. He's giving me conditions that I have to meet before I can get his full undivided attention.

I've never asked him to spend less time with his daughter before. I accept that he is a parent and she is his top priority and that takes a lot of his time. The only reason I am asking now is because our time has been shrunk down to none. 0 days of the month are for us unless BM has plans and wants daughter. He's also adamant that me and daughter are going to be BFFs and won't just let our connection happen naturally.

I'm not an equal partner. I'm only there to fill the gap when daughter isn't around.

Yep.

None of this is your fault.

None of this is your fault. So, stop being the voluntary sacrifice on the alter of their failed family fantasy.

So many divorce's and StepSpawn hold their failed families on some pedestal of excellence when .... that family no longer exists and was not worth a shit to begin with or it would not have failed.

Don't be their voluntary victim.

Put your foot down, be assertive, dictate the path forward and if your SO and his child fail to comply with that path ... move on and be happy with them in your past.

No more EWE visitation. Mandate and implement EOWE immediately. And put your foot up your SO's backside to get his ass to court for an actual CO so that he has a tool for keeping his X under control. Avoiding a CO is the biggest indicator of idiocy in a partner who is a prior relationship breeder. Your SO tolerating EWE visitation, sacrificing any non work day time with his bride, catering to his XW, etc... is mind boggling. It has to stop.

IMHO.

I wish I was that bold

I don't blame the kid for any of this. She's not a bad kid and her situation is messed up enough. All she wants is time with her dad whether I'm there or not. All I want is to be important enough for BF to set aside time for us as a couple.

BF needs to learn to be okay that we are not a cohesive family unit at this point in time but we are also not a failure as a household. He can be both a good dad and a good partner, but for some reason he is making a choice that he doesn't need to make.

Few who are on the NCP side

Few who are on the NCP side of the blended family equation are a cohesive family unit. It is even rare, though less so, on the CP side of the blended family equation.

Prior breeders in blended family marriages often sacrifice the very marriages than are trying to forge into cohesive family units by naively, immaturely, and blindly pursuing that goal rather than focusing on creating a solid marriage that is the core of any cohesive blended family. Without the core, there is no cohesive family unit, neither in an intact initial family scenario, nor in a blended family scenario.

Yep, he is trying to give his

Yep, he is trying to give his BD the family unit she's missing out on by having me fill the void that BM left. He has guilt that he couldn't give her that.

Earned your place in the

Earned your place in the "family"?? Excuse me? That's emotional abuse. You're not a circus animal who has to perform each time he says jump.

Thank you.

I think he is kind of playing

I think he is kind of playing with fire since he doesn't have a formal CO. It is not unheard of for someone to go to court and get BACK child support ordered. Everything your BF has done to date could 100% be classified as gifts.. and he might have to pay back CS in addition to going forward CS. If/When you guys get married and start a family of your own bios.. that issue could come up.

He needs real legal advice on this. It might be a fee consult possibly.. but yes.. he will likely have some out of pocket to move forward. One thing that does kind of work against him is his work schedule... in that he gave up time because of it. Now, her idea that he can't get her off to school? that is BS. why is she trusted to him on the weekends? hmmm?

Anyway, this is something that I would want him to deal with.. so that I knew what my future was going to look like. He may be fine winging it.. but these things will have a big impact on your life if you stay with him.. you should have a better idea of what you are facing.

I completely forsee this

I completely forsee this happening. BM is so unpredictable.

He's not working more hours, just different. If anything he's available more because he used to only have one day off on the weekend and he started earlier. BM isn't working and is doing online school so she's using that to make it seem like he's never available.

He hasn't considered my feelings enough to understand how this is going to affect me. I'm the one who accepted his life and now it's on me to deal with the choice I made. At least that's how he sees it.

You can't force him to get a

You can't force him to get a CO if he doesn't want to. Sounds like he doesn't have a spine and can't stand up to BM. That will never change. Good luck always coming second to another woman's demands. If I were younger with no children, I would absolutely not live my life like this. Do you want your life to revolve around someone else's schedule and convenience? Leave while you can and be thankful you haven't married this guy.

No I can't

nor should I have to. He needs to be smart and make the best decisions possible for his daughter, himself, and our relationship.

You can't force him to get a

Jesus

This is exactly my situation, and reading it i slapped my phone in anger for putting up with this shit for years. Get out! Today!

I hope you are able to get

I hope you are able to get out and get to a safe place. <3

Welcome to dating a single dad

Yup. This is what it's going to be and you should be thanking your lucky stars you only have her EOW. I had my EXSS5 on every one of my days off with my ex. It was pure hell.

If you can't make do with EOW and if you want date nights more than you want your SD to be around then...I hate to tell you but, you're not cut out for this. I wasn't either so no judgement from me.

This is what it is to date a single dad. No time together, or very little. The kid will always monopolize your relationship, your living quarters, your schedule and your partner's time. There is no changing that...so you trying to get your bf to change his custody schedule is not going to change anything. Why would your bf and BM change it for you? I tried to get my ex to change his custody schedule and I can't tell you how fruitless that was. Nothing changed, besides my resentments blowing up. ...And that's what will happen to you.

If you're not happy dating a single dad, don't expect him to suddenly stop being a single dad, instead, break up and find someone without kids.

This. Won't. Change.

You either like it or leave it. I personally hated it so I left. And I can tell you now that I'm on my own, I don't regret it one bit. I don't think you would either.

xoxo

To add: Your bf sounds like a

To add: Your bf sounds like a manipluative jerk tbh

My ex never took offense to how I felt about his son and you know how I felt about his son? I couldn't stand the kid. It's natural for you to feel indifferent towards his daughter....why? Because she's not your kid. My ex knew I was never going to love his kid like he was mine own, because he wasn't. He never expected me to feel that way. Your feelings are not wrong. They're normal.

My ex also never tried to strong hand me into spending time with his kid. my time was my time and I spent it how I wanted to spend it. Why would you compromise doing the things you love for a kid who isn't yours?

So, to summarize this situation. You have a kid you're taking on and you're not thrilled about it and you're doing it all for a man who's manipulating you and attempting to dominate your life through his kid.

Girl, leave. You deserve better.

xoxo

Red flags

Speaking as someone in a similar 'agreement' (we have 50/50 custody but no CS and a vague parenting plan) 8 years later I have two children of my own and an SO who, like yours, says ok to everything and just shrugs it all off. I recently asked if we could make come changes to the schedule and she blew up and started threatening to go to court. She was really angry that I even brought it up. My SO said he thought it was just foot stamping and threats but I know this is what he's tried to avoid for the past 8 years. I'm really sick of my life and schedule being dictated by BM and her work and social life (like you we are currently doing every weekend, plus weekdays.) you don't want to be where I am in 8 years, wishing to God you had never got involved. Lots of people will say just do your own thing and you don't have to be involved and disengage etc but ultimately things will feel fractured and you'll resent always having to compromise so much.

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