Newbie needing advice
Hi all,
I'm 24 and have lived with my partner and his 4yo daughter for 2 years. I'm her full time carer (she suffers from a rare chromosome abnormality) and we have a very close relationship and I love her to bits.
The background: My 'step' daughter was having fortnightly supervised visits with her mum that ended a few months after I came on the scene and social services were involved during that time.
When the visits ended, the BM never pushed for court for a year and never called, sent birthday or christmas cards or anything. When she did take things to court for further contact it took 6 months to finalise and that takes us to now.
I have been there for SD since she had dummies, nappies and warm milk and we have such a close bond with each other and she's always been aware that I'm not her mummy.
Now that her BM has unsupervised contact, I feel like... I don't know, like I've lost my role in SD's life. I've been there for so long on my own, kissing boo boo's, taking her to nursery, worrying over sniffles and sickness and playing with her that now it feels like I was just standing in for the BM to take over.
I'm sorry this isn't making much sense, I just don't like the way everything's changed so suddenly and I feel that Social Services just washed their hands of the whole situation and I got laughed at by Solicitors for trying to see things from SD perspective and its like my whole world is upside down.
I don't want the BM to let her down again, she's had another child since and is about to have another any day now. She seems to have turned her life around but she's missed out on such a big part of SDs life that I worry she's taking her on too lightly as if no time ever passed. (She had to be reintroduced to her BM as she didn't recognise her or know who she was).
Has anyone else ever been through this? I think this post is a big mess but I had to waffle somewhere because I feel no one really understands!
Well I understand how you
Well I understand how you must feel, All that love and hard work you invested only to find yourself pushed into the background with no legal rights whatsoever. I guess you are feeling used and abused right now.
There is really nothing you can do here, except, be there for sd if mum lets her down again. But you do have to let this child see her bio mum, the child has a right to that. In saying that I'm not dismissing the role you have played as mum to this child for the last year or so with no warning of what was to come. Trust in the bond you have with the child, don't pull back emotionally now, if you can help it. If you try to stay as you were with her, she hopefully in time will work it out intuitively, who is her real mum, and that's may not be bio.
If as you say BM has changed, that doesn't mean you haver no place in sds life. It may hopefully mean the child wins, she gets a SM and a BM who both love her.
You are not wrong for feeling like this, I'm sure it hurts like hell right now. In your mind she was your child. Your child has just been ripped way and you have no say in it. That'd hurt. Give it sone time and I sincerely hope it all works out well for all of you.
Thank you for the feedback
Thank you for the feedback everyone. Reading that really helped.
I'm just trying to be as supportive and as strong as I can right now and admittedly I'm having a hard time of it.
There's been no offer of counselling for myself but SD has been reintroduced properly with support and is now seeing her BM once a week for dinner and stays one night at the weekend too.
I do feel a bit lost and scared about how it's all going to pan out but I am trying to be mature and do what's best for SD as she definitely has a right to know and bond with her BM. I just hope it works out.
I can't see her BM bailing on her but I do think it will be a struggle next week when she suddenly has 3 young children instead of the one but that's not for me to say right now.
Think I'm being a bit selfish and need to get over it and be strong so I'm glad I've found this place to vent because I don't have anyone who understands what it's like otherwise.
Thank you again everyone, it's really appreciated! I will probably keep you updated x
My situation is not an exact
My situation is not an exact corelary but fairly close. I was full time dad to my SS-20 from age 1yo until he aged out from under the Court Order at age 18. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. By full time I mean he lived with his mom and I.
He always has known his BioDad. There was official visitation but BioDad rarely saw the kid for the entire court ordered visitation schedule. A few days per year of face time at most though the court order was for 7 weeks of visitation. 5Wks Summer, 1Wk Winter, 1Wk Spring. Visitation time was spent with SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa who are raising their idiot son's 3 younger also out-of-wedlock spawn by two more baby mamas.
I completely understand how you feel. It is difficult to abdicate your roll as primary mom/dad to someone who at best is an intermittent and unhealthy presence in your kid's life.
The good news is that kids are smart and when you start early enough they learn confidence that you are the one who is there for them even if you are not the BioMom/BioDad. My son knows that though I have no genetic connection to him I am the only REAL dad he has.
My SS is nearly 21. He is my kid. So much so that he is at this moment on leave to SpermLand where he is trying to counter the toxic influence of the SpermIdiot on the lives of his three younger also out-of-wedlock half sibs by two more baby mamas. #3-16yo (the eldest younger half brother) is in the process of duplicating the SpermIdiots path of arrests and petty crime.
Just before he left for the rescue mission to SpermLand our son spent the weekend with my parents. He was telling my dad about the drama with the younger brother and how DickHead is a bad influence on the younger 3. He referred to DickHead as "Dad". He paused after referring to him as "Dad" then after a minute told my dad "No, he is not my dad. He is David. My dad is a good man and I am lucky that he is my dad. My younger sister and brothers don't have my dad to teach them how to be good people so I will have to do it.". According my my dad, the kid had tears in his eyes when they were having the conversation.
Your daughter will grow up with the same confidence since she has you as her mom.
Hang in there and good luck.
Rags - you sound like a hero,
Rags - you sound like a hero, I think it's really lovely how your son speaks about you, he's obviously extremely lucky to have someone like you