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New to stepparent hood and scared

Hm75's picture

hey guys I’ve never done this before I have searched the web for all kinds of help and have found nothing I’m 21yo and have been a step parent for about a year now of two little boys 2 & 3 years old and for the first 6 months after I meet the boys their biological mom was out of the picture. I tried to step up and help and it went okay I did what I could when I could with working full time and going to school full time. It’s really hard anymore because the 3yo does not listen to me and will constantly smack me and bite me I am the only person in the house that he will do it to and he does it at random times he will come up and snuggle with me then out of know where he bites me or just smacks me I remind him that’s not nice and not to do that but he not my biological kid so I don’t have a lot of say it’s so hard to be in my own house that I pay for when the child of my spouse does not listen nor acknowledge me when I speak to him the 2 yo on the other hand loves me and we get along great but I don’t even wanna be around the 3yo because he cause conflict between me and my spouse and does not listen at all I also do not have any kids biologically.

Many advice 

elkclan's picture

What do you mean you don't have any say? Is it not your house? Is it not your body that is being bitten and hit? Sure you don't have the right to hit another person's child, but if your BF is not backing you up 100% and pulling that kid into time out immediately or if he is undermining any timeouts that you instigate then you need to reconsider this relationship. It's really that simple. 

Three is a horrible age. But this kid also has a load going on in his life and doesn't have the tools to communicate his bewilderment and frustration. Giving this child clearly communicated boundaries (verbal - backed up by action) will help him make better sense of his world and give him a sense of security. I think sometimes kids will test you because they don't know if you'll stand by them. By providing correction you can show that you will - and the benefit is better behaviour for everyone! 

Hm75's picture

It is our house and my BF always follows through with my timeouts that I give but the 3yo doesn’t get he can’t hit or bite my BF does a pretty good job at backing me up and if he doesn’t listen I move him from the situation that is incorrect 

MrsStepMom's picture

It is one thing to not have a say over some parenting issues but you have 100% say in someone being physical with you. It could be a stranger and you have a say. You react loudly like you would with a dog "OUCHHHHH!!!" (be over dramatic) "that hurt!! Why would you hurt me??" Not "it isn't nice to bite people" but "we NEVER EVER physically hurt someone for ANY reason".

tog redux's picture

This man better be pretty special for you to put up with this, when you could swing a cat and hit 10 men your age with no children or baby mamas who have run off (and she will be back, mark my words. Just wait for the fun that will happen then).

 

Hm75's picture

He is a really good guy and biological mom did come back within the last few months they got shared parenting so we have the kids every other week but biological mom wants to be my friend and go on lunches and things with me and I’m not ready for that

Hm75's picture

He is a really good guy and biological mom did come back within the last few months they got shared parenting so we have the kids every other week but biological mom wants to be my friend and go on lunches and things with me and I’m not ready for that

Maxwell09's picture

You can never be more of a parent than their actually blood parents. If daddy lets them act that way then they will always behave that way. If daddy never backs you up or stays on the same page as you 100% then the kids with divide and conquer every single time. I became a Step around your age and I will say it will never work if your partner doesn’t want to be a parent. Remind him YOU didn’t reproduce at twenty because YOU didn’t want to be a mom at twenty. He did and he needs to do his job. Any help he receives from you is a favor you do for him AND ITS ESPECIALLY NOT TO EARN YOUR KEEP! You need to ask him is he dating you because he wants a Nanny or is he dating you because he’s actually interested in you? If he’s dating you because he loves you then he will step up and become the MVP player in raising HIS RESPONSIBILITIES aka children. If he argues or just says he’ll change but doesn’t then he’s just using you as a nanny and bedwarmer. I’ll tell you there’s no point in “doing it for the kids” either because the second the realize there’s another mommy out there that’s actually their biomom, they’ll choose her over you too. They can’t help it. It’s human instincts. I’ve been doing this for 7 years now and since my skid was less than a year old, you aren’t “different,” it won’t “work out better,” and you won’t be the exception to the normal woes of stepparenting so find out if your SO actually wants you to be a stepparent before you go all in. 

Rags's picture

Biting and smacking by a 3yo should be responded to with biting and smacking.  You have tried the talking and correcting method. Time to bring the pain.

When he smacks you, smack him back. When he bites, bite him back.  Pain for pain will solve that problem in a hurry.  Bullies need to experience what they perpetrate in an even more painful fashion.  This little shit head is a bully. So, teach him a lesson any time he bullies.  My little brother was a biter.  It finally stopped when he bit the shit out of my dad drawing blood and my dad bit him back.  Funny how that works.

What does your SO do about his toxic crotch dropping hitting and biting you?  Your home, you can discipline any children in your home as you see fit. As your SO's equity life partner you are equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.  So, discipline as you see fit and if DH takes issue with it tell him he can step up and get it done before you have to or STFU and have your back.  His choices should be step up, shut up, or GTFO of your home.

Don't tolerate the biting and smacking by the 3yo and for sure do not tolerate the lack of action and support by your DH.

Take care of you.

Good luck.