New and don't even know where to start!

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Hi all!
Backstory real quick:
*I am 46 and biofree due to nature, not choice.
*SO (fiance) Engaged & living together a year and a half.
*BM (unemployed) lives 5 minutes away with her parents (we had to move here to keep SD13 in the school district)
*SD23 doesn't talk to us, only SD13 and BM, which is just fine with me!
*SD22 is in the service and stationed elsewhere.. practically raised SD13 before she went into the service.
*SD13 lives with us full time, is with BM every other weekend and one night a week for dinner.

I work full time, at a scheduled job, so I have to be at work at a certain time and work for certain hours. SO has an extremely flexible schedule at a job that pays well, so he has more free time on his hands if he wants it (which he does). The problem is that more often than not, I am with SD13 while he enjoys his free time fishing.

At first, I catered to them.. thinking I was doing the "mom/wife" kind of thing and it was the right thing to do, but then I started to realize after working 40 hours plus doing all the jobs of a stay at home mom, I was burning out and it was totally unfair. I read about disengaging, so I tried that. I taught SD13 how to do her laundry and clean her bathroom (she hardly does either, so I just close her doors.. that way I don't have to see it), asked for help with MINOR chores (you'd think I asked her to donate a kidney), bought her an alarm clock to wake herself up (I still wake up and make sure she's awake, 85% of the time she is, I have to give her that).

My frustration/resentment lies in the fact that they both have free time and are the laziest people I've ever met. I'm still catching myself picking up socks from under the coffee table, emptying the dishwasher and/or sink, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, making dinner, etc. even though I swear I won't.
I have refused to do laundry for both of them. I will not clean her bedroom or bathroom. I don't know what else to do to get them to help.. I've tried leaving things lie, but I can't stand the mess and end up cleaning it myself (angrily) or flipping my shit and yelling at the both of them until they MOVE. I'm finding myself being very angry at both of them most of the time over little shit that would go away if they just helped!
Does anyone have any ideas I can try? I'm running out of options.

No men are not stupid about

No men are not stupid about household chores, and they are both capable of helping out. you are the responsible one, and taking a lot on your shoulders, they are taking you for granted. Either do it because you want to and enjoy taking care of them, or don't, ship out move on, spend your free time, which is precious, on yourself and do not feel bad about it, because you will not be appreciated whether you stay or leave.

GARBAGE BAGS!!!! That is the

GARBAGE BAGS!!!! That is the secret. Keep a large supply of garbage bags and when you get home and there is a mess of their crap... bag it up and dump in on the curb. Anything. Laptops, phones, socks, etc, etc, etc... if they notice that it is gone before the garbage is picked up... so bit it... if they don't...... so be it.

No quarter, no exceptions. They pick their crap up or it goes to the curb. As for dishes, pots, pans, etc... pile it on their beds with a note to wash it and put it away. One warning.. .then put locks on the cabinets and they don't get use of those items. They can starve but they will not get use of a plate, etc........

Stick to your guns.

I definitely agree with the

I definitely agree with the suggestions that you have a SO/DHtb issue. He is setting you up for failure, by providing the model for how SD13 should treat you. And will it get better with time? Oh, heck to the no. Because the things that bother you NOW will continue to bother you and get worse, because you are allowing it now.

What would happen if you told your fiancé to take his precious with him fishing? That is what I do now. SO sometimes fishes on the weekends, and I told him that either his teen takes care of Munchkin SD10 or he takes her because "I will not be around..." So that has been working for me.

As for the messes - the teen doesn't listen to you obviously because you are "not her mother, she has a mother, etc..." Well then, time to get some thick skin because this attitude will get worse and progress because no one is stopping it.

I hope you listen to the suggestions, think about them and then ACT.

Thank you for all the input!

Thank you for all the input! I was just looking for new/creative/non-screaming ways to get these 2 to help me around the house.. didn't know the can of worms I was opening up! (haha.. fishing metaphors?)

Referring to the backstory, it was worse previously with them, expecting me to be at their beck and call.. and I would jump if they said to. Now I'm like.. ehhh, maybe later, after my nap.

I had the talk way back when with them both about helping, and how it was unfair that only I do all the housework. Things went well for a bit, then back to the same old shit. It's a rollercoaster.. good/bad/good/bad. This past weekend I told them WE are ALL cleaning the house and it is going to stay that way. SO took care of the downstairs himself (without prodding, mind you :jawdrop: ), SD holed herself up (in her hole) and swears it's clean (it's not), but not my problem. And I took care of my own things. Every time this week I found something SD left in a common area, I'd wait until she was on the phone, then make her come and pick up whatever it was that I found, making sure I was loud enough for the person she was speaking to to hear what I was saying.. maybe a little embarrassment will work? SO has been quite the help, assisting with cleanup, and prodding SD to do her part. Hopefully things are sinking in.

After I posted this, I sat each of them down for a little chat. Spoke to SO and told him if he wants a babysitter, he's going to pay for one. If it's going to be me, I will charge $10 an hour for every hour she's here and he's out. Pretty easy money, considering she's holed up in her room 99% of the time, because I might make her DO something.

I informed SD that if she wants something, I'm not doing it unless she starts pulling her weight. I told her I don't have to cater to her merely because she exists. If she really wants it, she can earn it from me or she can ask Daddeeee. If he wants to jump, that's his problem. I came home from work the other day and she said "when Daddy gets home, he's taking me to my friend's house". Great! In the meantime, I noticed she never emptied the dishwasher like I asked her to do (every single day). Well, SO didn't come home from work quick enough for the Princess, so she asked if I would take her. I said NOPE, and went and took a nap. Best. Nap. Ever.

And now we wait and see....