Needing some advice about 11y/o
Having no bio kids and being a step mom is tough... can I get an amen sisters?? So here is my most recent dilemma...
My SD is 11, she will be 12 in a couple months. She still plays with my little ponies. She claims she still believes in Santa. Over the summer one of her friends told her that dolls can come to life and kill you and she wholeheartedly believed them. She wouldn'the even walk past her doll alone and she wouldn'the had a meltdown when we suggested putting it in the attic! She has no clue about puberty or the birds and the bees. She won't get up and fix her own cerial for breakfast, in fact, she won't leave her room at all unless DH and I are up. She throws a fit if we close our bedroom door at night. She follows us around the house like a puppy. She won't even play her video games by herself, if she wants to play and we don't either play with her, or sit in the room with her and watch her play, most of the time she just won't play. If DH and I go out to the yard she will not stay in the house by herself.I have to pick out her outfits for her, tell her to change undies, tell her to brush teeth, and brush her hair and put it up for her.
Since I have no bio kids yet I am having a hard time figuring out if any of this is normal for a child her age? I know all kids age differently, and I don't want to rush her through childhood by any means, but I can't help but feel that she should have outgrown some of these things at this point. She is a sweet girl and I love her, but I'm worried about her neediness and helplessness.
As far as I know, no, she's
As far as I know, no, she's never been examined for delays. However I can definately tell you it's not something BM would agree to in a million years. She is a very smart girl, gets straight A's in school. So any delays, I would think, would be strictly social and IMHO strictly the result of being babied so much...
At 11 years old she should
At 11 years old she should not be afraid of everything, including dolls. Not granted, I think dolls are creepy too and always have. But I never was afraid to walk past one. She should not have to be reminded to change her underwear and she should be able to pick out her own clothes. Sounds like she has some serious insecurities if she will not even stay in the house alone. But one idea...if all these things are being done for her, she is not learning to make decisions for herself. Push her to make decisions (what clothes to wear) and to do things on her own.
I do try to encourage her to
I do try to encourage her to make decisions and do things on her own. Unfortunately she is only with us every other weekend, so any progress we make is pretty much undone as soon as she goes back to BM.
DH has never had her full time as he and BM weren't a couple anymore when SD was born. So he is kinda stuck in that "She's just a kid" stage and it's hard for him to see that she should be more mature and independent by now.
Damn straight. This girl is
Damn straight.
This girl is definitely delayed. It is, indeed, extremely difficult to parent a kid when you only have her on the weekends but imho I think that's what you need to do, parent her strongly while she's there.
Begin by coming up with small things that will help her build a sense of confidence and independence. You can ask her to help you in the kitchen, for instance. Teach her one task and have her do it every time -- crack the eggs, separate them, beat them. Whatever. It will be a mess at first but make that recipe every time she comes and she will get better and better and then you can ask her to do it without supervision.
She will come to enjoy that confidence that she can do it. I think that will help tremendously. So you come up with as many as those type of tasks you can think of until she is doing lots of things by herself. She will be making the whole recipe by herself erelong. Her fear will subside as she finds she can handle the world.
And definitely do talk to dad about her periods. They will some soon. She has to have the confidence and the skills to handle it. So start her doing her own laundry and being responsible for her own hygiene asap. She is going to need it. Remind dad of the horrors of this kid having a complete meltdown at school or wherever if she's unprepared.
Thank you, I will definitely
Thank you, I will definitely do that. She loves to help cook, but I could let her do more. She's a very good helper, last weekend that we had her she even asked to help do laundry! So I think you're right, encouraging her to do more than help would actually make her feel good about herself.
Me? Sweet, patient, and well
Me? Sweet, patient, and well balanced? You are too kind. I am just trying to help my SD grow into a confident, self reliant person. Unlike her BM who is 32, still lives in her grandmother's house, still has her mommy taking care of her child, cell phone bill, and child support.
Now that I am done blushing... and ranting slightly, I will answer your questions.
She is extremely babied. When she isn't with us she still sleeps in bed with grandma, who also follows her to EVERYTHING! She went to 3 or 4 different camps this summer, grandma went to every one with her. Grandma won't let her pick out her own clothes, she won't let her do anything by herself. She is in several different clubs (girl scouts, 4H, horse club, awanas) grandma goes right along. Now don't get me wrong, DH is guilty too, but that is a rant for another day. I strongly encourage her to do things on her own when she is with us, but I am pretty much the only one.
As far as her "friend", I made it very clear to SD that anybody who would tell such an aweful lie is NOT a friend and that she needs to seriously consider if she really wants to be around that type of person. Unfortunately we live over 4 hours away so I couldn't personally put the fear of God into the nasty little brat.
And bullying? She has never mentioned anything besides that incident, but again, living so far away makes it hard to judge. We don't get invited to school invents, or even told about them until after the fact. So we don't really see how she is interacting with the other kids.
Steel, I have adult bios and
Steel, I have adult bios and younger bio's. Your husbands daughter IS "just a kid"
.
Who cares if she still believes in Santa or plays with dolls. Maybe not now since she is scared of them.
Maybe her mom's family has said "if you don't believe in Santa how can you get gifts"...who knows but really try to embrace it somehow. And be thankful. Watch the Polar express
Trust me especially in this day and age keeping the innocence of a child IN the child is far better than her acting like she is 17, 18 or 25. The current younger parents are rushing their kids so fast they cant experience their childhood and THAT is very sad. Slowly it is comeing out that it is a mistake. She is 11 do not be misguided that she should behave like a 18 year old. HECK some 18 year olds dont take showers every day (oh and they should) OR brush their teeth 2-3 times a day. See what I mean.
Soon enough she will have the Reproduction Class and Menstruation class in school if she hasnt already. Maybe she is a late bloomer---it doesnt mean she is slow or not up to speed. Again, do you want her to be to big for her britches?
I read your post 2x and I have a sense your sd is more irritating that dad treats his daughter like the little girl she is.
When your step daughter is around more girls (DECENT GIRLS) her age she will start to mirror her peers.
Ask her and a little friend out for lunch "GIRLS Luncheon"....
sheldon I couldnt agree with
sheldon I couldnt agree with you more.
UGHHHHH
I was reading a little too
I was reading a little too fast and I read it as "They also play with dolls and penises."
I feel the same way you do. I played with my American Girl dolls until I was 12 or 13. I was sheltered, for sure, but there's nothing wrong with hanging on to your innocence as long as you can.
I didn't know you had two daughters! Are they close in age?
Clevergirl...please tell me
Clevergirl...please tell me you are being sarcastic.
I went back and reread the
I went back and reread the op. You may be on to something there, Clevergf. The child does take things very literally, has "meltdowns," can't stand a door being closed, needs to be told to do every single thing other kids would have picked up years earlier (personal care.)
That really is a checklist of symptoms on the spectrum. I've heard that girls with autism can be more severe than boys but also they can go undiagnosed because they can "pass." Or whatever.
My Little Pony is no big deal but being afraid of dolls in general cuz somebody told her something stupid is a bit much at 11. It would be more believable at 4. So that is taking something very, very literally.
OP, her anxiety may be quite real. Having her tested could be a smart thing.
RANT---here about the
RANT---here about the difference between generations. I get it some kids have concerning behaviors and need specialized attention.
Than God our parents during the 60/70's (yes we had inoculations) did NOT take our every behavior or oddity and match it with a check list. And diagnosis us with something.
My one sister would sit in her closet and read books. OH NO by today's standards what does that mean?? we played with barbies, dolls and puppets until we were 14. Heck I remember asking for barbies at that age. Oh NO we were not mature. We didn't know about the birds and the bee's either.
Our neighbor across the street when I was a kid would walk up and DOWN the block on his tip toes playing a pretend guitar . He graduated the same year I did and is a civil engineer. Never rushed to the doctors. In today's world he would have been diagnosed with something for that behavior for darn sake.
Fast forward to recent, also recall a mom who was sure her son had autism. Their living room was filled with hundreds of toys. BUT-- HE plays independently and lines his trucks up. He would get up from the table, MOM did not correct. "SEE he wont sit" . And to boot he sings when he plays with his trucks that he lines up. MOM declared "my friend said this is classic autism." Poor kid, I would want to find a small clean area too if I was stuck in that mess, some kids sing, some kids line stuff up. Some kids play independently.
KIDS these days are placed under a microscope it is disturbing to this Mom who has kids much MUCH older then most of you.
The last thing I intend is to offend anyone. But separate emotion and start looking at stats here. More and more kids have some sort of diagnosis and IF coming from a divorced home those rates increase.
1 in 68 kids have AS, 1 in 42 are boys. ??? The rates in 2000 have increased 119 percent in 10 years. "119percent increase" that is very VERY concerning.
***HERE LADIES be aware of this. Adult child support is real. Here is another stat
35 percent of young adults (ages 19-23) with autism have not had a job or received postgraduate education after leaving high school. (Shattuck et al., 2012) How do you think they are supported.
OP I wish you the best. Be kind to your step daughter. She is 11, let her be 11
Good Luck.
I will be honest, watching
I will be honest, watching both my daughters go through that age... they progressed differently and so did their peers. There were some of them that definitely stayed at the little girl level longer.
Oh and the period.. My OSD started at 13 and her younger sister was 14. 11 doesn't necessarily mean it's imminent, but she should be told what to do if it does happen early. Generally, changes in their bodies will clue you in to whether they are more or less advanced.
She may be a little more clingy because she is unsure as a child of divorce. She may be more prone to nightmares (I was/am) and kids can do a number on freaking other kids out.
Shoot, when I was 13 we lived in a house that had those crawlspaces in the eaves of the upstairs bedrooms. There were those small doors that went into the crawlspace. Well, when we first moved there, I opened it up and looked inside and there was a little MAN in there! So, it was actually a 2.5 foot high plaster statue of laurel (as in laurel and hardy for those who remember). well in the dim light, it looked like a troll.. anyhow.. I always had a creepy feeling knowing that the statue was in the crawl space and the door was right beside my bed. AT 13/14 yo I was scared. I actually put stuff in front of the door to block it. but I knew it was there.
I wouldn't be too worried about her wanting to still be a kid.
THANK YOU!! There was a
THANK YOU!!
There was a poster here a while ago that said her stepson had been diagnosed with something like "school avoidance disorder" or some nonsense like that. Basically, he didn't want to go to school and would throw tantrums because he couldn't stay home and play video games. My jaw about hit the floor. That's not a disorder, that's a brat!
I know that's not true for every situation and I'm not trying to be insensitive. But I think that some parents want an answer for why their kid is behaving the way they are. And instead of looking at their parenting they want an excuse.
There were also thousands if
There were also thousands if not millions of kids who were institutionalized, hidden, left uneducated and unserved.
I marvel at how different my stepson's school experience is from the developmentally delayed kids I was exposed to as a kid in the 60's and 70's. The other kids have been taught to include him, consider him a peer, even volunteer as partners to help him through activities they are much better at.
The kids I remember we were not rude to but simply steered clear of, most of them were in the "Special Needs" room out of sight, and I bet a million bucks there were many, many more in my school district that never got out of the house or the institution they were in at all.
My mother grew up next door to one in the 30's and 40's who never left the house and never became verbal.
I am so grateful my stepson has a chance at a full life with friends, a developed intellect, coping skills, and even an aspiration to work and live independently to one degree or another.
He has those chances because his needs have been identified and the adults in his life have learned to teach him in the way he can learn.
If we just ignored his symptoms and let him grow "at his own pace" he'd be in diapers at 15 (and I mean daytime), hitting people to get what he wants, and barely verbal.
What the little girl for OP needs is not certain. But we have a thoughtful, open minded OP expressing real concern. She didn't come here because everything is peachy and a charming little bundle of innocence lives at her house and she is just looking for trouble and gossip about a kid.
Not a single poster iirc here has argued My Little Pony is a problem at 11. But the rest of the behaviors are troubling. Having to be told to change your panties at 11 or having a "meltdown" because of a closed door are surely on the far flat end of the Bell Curve.
Whether the kid is simply babied or has real cognitive issues we don't know. But a concerned adult who cares about her has come seeking advice and feedback. Mentioning the spectrum -- by people experienced with these kids in their own homes -- is a useful bit of information.
If she is on the spectrum, leaving this girl without services is cruel. If she isn't, teaching her to be less afraid of the world (and closed doors) is a kindness.
ChiefgrowingUP Certainly your
ChiefgrowingUP
Certainly your step son needed the care and will need continual care he so richly deserves as do all persons. Not toileting at a reasonable age is troublesome and I am thankful your ss is not in diapers at age 15. Unless i misread OP, I do not believe her step daughter is unable to use the bathroom and needs a day time diaper.
Not all things need a diagnosis and a diagnosis is not all things.
NOthing wrong with dad or OP laying out her clothing OR making the child's breakfast. Isnt that what parents do? I know I sure did with 11 year olds.
I understand your points Chief and I hope that you consider mine as well.
What ever the case may be with OP's step daughter what must happened is compassion first.
It sounds to me more like OP is annoyed at her husbands daughter. And if, gosh forbid her step daughter is on the spectrum she will need to step up more and learn to not be as annoyed.
Solutions and support are needed now more than ever in family dynamics where a child is properly diagnosed with Autism.
If there are no medical
If there are no medical issues the solution is simple but not an easy thing to implement.
IMHO zero tolerance is hte way to go. She either stays in teh room with ehr dolls or they go to GoodWill. Period. No discussion, no negotiation. Either A or B.
She selects her own clothes, she bathes when she is told or she becomes the stinky kid at school and her peers send the message in a far more direct and painful way than she has as yet experienced.
As for her playing only under direct supervision... nope. If she chooses to not play on her own then she doesn't play.
I suggest not worrying about her behaviors and decisions unless they violate the behavioral standards you and DH demand. If they violate those standards, bring the disciplinary consequences. If she is held accountable for her behaviors and suffers the consequences for violating behavioral standards she will learn far more deeply and effectively than if you and DH continue to cater to her.
If you and DH goe outside she stays inside... period. If she wants to play video games or with dolls then she plays alone unless those things are what you and/or DH want to do. If you and her dad don't demand that she grow up and act her age then she won't.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.