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need advice!!!

secondmomto2's picture

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and have been very active in the lives of his two girls (then 3 and 9, now 7 and 13) since the very start. They've always been accepting of me and very loving. Up until three months ago we only had them part time, Friday to Monday. Now due to custody changes, we have them full time. I really want a baby and my boyfriend doesn't quite feel the same. Not that he wouldn't be happy if it happened because he's open to it, he's just not in a place in life where he wants to try. Especially with the transition of having his girls all of the time now. I get it...But,I cook, clean, we take turns getting the little one up and ready for school, I pick little one up every day, do homework, etc... Don't get me wrong, I love them. BUT.....

I'm so jealous of the bond he has with them. Especially his older daughter. She practically worships him and he thinks she can do no wrong. She clings to him when I'm in the other room and will sometimes keep away when I'm around. This only started happening since they moved in full time. It's hurtful wanting a parent child relationship so badly and he's already settled in the ones he has. Sometimes I feel like he has zero patience for me and my emotional needs since they've been here. Its becoming hard on me and I don't know what to do. Its hard to talk to him about it because he gets upset.

Its difficult accepting that I'll never be Mommy to them. That their faces don't light up for me like they do for him. I wish I had that bond. Sad I'm honestly feeling that this is becoming an issue with us and I don't know how to get him to understand me. He thinks I'm being over emotional and that I should grow up...ugh.

Smith75's picture

That is THE MOST sensible advice! I completely agree!

This situation sounds a lot like mine...and I have left my husband to move on with MY life and fulfill some of my hopes and desires. I got fed up of taking care of DH's kids (who lived with us full time), when I'm longing to have my own and share that special bond. It's really painful being around the man you love and his kids all the time...not everyone can do it.

I promise you much as I miss my husband (I've filed for divorce), i'm way more content. I don't wake up with an anxious knot in my stomach, I have my own home that I can do what I want in, my career has taken off again, because I'm not taking care of skids or being stressed because of them - and ultimately, I'm so much happier.

Like Cat said above, I want to meet a someone who is capable of loving me and understands what I want in a relationship and hopefully, he'll want the same. I know it's scary, but if you're so unhappy and not getting what you want from the relationship you're in - then move's the best thing I ever did.

SugarSpice's picture

agree with catlettuce on this. i am twenty years into amarriage where i always came last behind the skids and the mans parents.

take her advice. its too late for me to make this decision. my dh raged at me when he put the two sds over me and imgnored my needs. even in their twenties he is still goo goo eyed when they visit and overcome with how attractive they are.

Indigo's picture

"So now what ?" -- Echo

I think that your SO is quite clear: no more children, no kids by you, no marriage, no respect. I am not trying to trivialize your life, but this is a one-way street NOT going your way.

peacemaker's picture

Why should he change?

You are giving him everything of yourself as if you were married....but you are not. I would immediately move out, get your independence on yourself for a while...if he still feels the same about both disagree are some serious issues regarding a life together that should have been addressed before you opened up those levels of intimacy in your relationship...If he doesn't come running after you, well, then, He isn't the right one.

He has told you he has given everything he is willing to give...You have given everything of yourself to this man. The hard to face reality is staring you in the face. He is not willing to meet your needs in the relationship...and your needs are realistic...If you want to be married to someone, you should find someone who wants to be married also. If you want to have should find someone who wants to have children also...not someone who would tolerate your decision to have one if it "happened".

Next time...if you do enter into a relationship with another man, don't give away the cake until the ring is on the finger, and the love and respect to marry you are both in play...respect yourself enough first...then others around you will respect you. Sounds to me like this man is just using you to take care of his family his children his needs... My mother used to tell me "There are more fish in the sea....and the sea is a very big place...

secondmomto2's picture

Thank you everyone, for your honest opinions. I've been feeling it is headed in that direction and I guess I have some serious thinking to do. We have a nice life and home that we've worked hard for and on some levels he is my best friend and its not something I want to just leave. But the emotional department is ceasing to exist and it is becoming unfair. I'm really happy I found this website. Again, thank you everyone!

Evil stepmonster's picture

You have to stop feeling bad because you don't have the parent/child bond with his kids. Of course you don't, they're not your children and they never will be. At best you'll be the step mom who they are nice to your face and maybe behind your back some of the times but any problems they have with their dad will always be blamed on "dads stupid gf"
Four years is a long time of happy memories and building together but the fact is, the building between you two have stopped and he's focused on his daughters now. If you really want that happy family life with the mommy and daddy and baby or babies you will most likely have to find someone who wants to be a daddy to your children, not someone who wants you to mother his while you get your feelings trampled all over and then told you are the one acting like a child. Good luck on your decision and God bless you.

SugarSpice's picture

four years is nothing. with my twenty years i should have awakened and left. now i have too much going right now at this point to divorce.

like cat you can be smarter. i certainly wasnt.

you will only be a convenient source of you know what that he cannot get from his daughter who is the true light of his life.

member1234l's picture

Im in a similar situation, been together 5yrs. SD8 every other weekend, I dont exist to him when she is around. We are engaged but even that seems like it only happened because I was about to walk out the door. Whenever he and I have argued when SD is over she will cling to rush over to hug him as she faces to look at me with a big if to protect him and say he can do no wrong or "MY daddy" type of thing. I understand she is a child and is immature, but its still very bizzare to me....and seems disrespectful....but of course he likes it and thinks its cute. Just one of the MANY examples of being the outsider and being disrespected by HIS family. Whenever I broach the subject of having my own children (im almost 30 and would really like a child of my own, and i feel like i would have already have been a mom had I had been with someone else this long) he says "sure" .....or "I wouldnt mind having more kids". It somewhat hurts because im not responded with an enthusiastic Yes I would love to have children with you. And men DO do that, my ex did. Most men WANT children and have no problem telling a woman it, unfortunately I seem to be the 'desperate needy woman' wanting my own children and he could really take it or leave it...doesnt matter to him. He has even said to me in a patronising manner when discussing kids.."kids change your life and they are a lot of do know that right?" Lol suddenly part time Disney dad is some expert on raising children after already one failed marriage .NOT. im at the point where im so DISENGAGED that im ready to pack up and leave for good. These men are damaged goods and do not deserve to have a woman with zero baggage...they deserve to date other single parents too or not to date at all. These men are SO selfish imo. The more I think about it the more angry I get about how disgustingly unfair these situations are for single childless women.