Mixed feelings
I have mixed feelings about my SS4.
On one hand I resent his existence because it isn't the life I'd always dreamed for myself. I know, I know. "You knew he had a child going into it."
My DH works to just pay child support while I cover rent, utilities, clothes, vacations, family plan health insurance, food, etc. it sucks. With the close to 10k I've given my DH in the last two years combined not including the two week vacation I fully funded alone, we could have put a downpayment on a house. It's frustrating. And I resent that it's this way BECAUSE of this child.
This child makes me reconsider whether or not I should even have children, because they will most definitely go without because I'm too financially strapped funding the life my husband can't assist with to fund a child. And thinking that no matter what, my DH will be required to send $800/month to his ex for support, and my kid will never see that much from him makes me sick.
I hate when the kid is in my bed. I'm super territorial about it. I don't want him sleeping or napping in my bed.
On the other hand, I buy him clothes, toys, pay for his insurance, buy him presents randomly and for no reason. I got him his bed, blankets, toybox. Make him special Thomas blankets, pillows, scarves, and hats. Make him costumes. And play with him and rough house. I'm obviously not letting on I'm resentful because the kid always says he loves me and just this evening called DH and asked to speak with me because he misses me. After just seeing me two hours ago.
What is going on in my brain?!
I think each time you think
I think each time you think those things, you need to remember it's not the child's fault.
Your dh might have to get another job, or a second job.
He could try filing for a cs decrease. There's no guarantee it'll be decreased but he could try it.
I think you are blaming or
I think you are blaming or resenting the wrong person. See your DH is the one who put you in this position, not the child. The little boy didn't choose to be born. His parents were either careless or unable to form a lasting loving relationship in which to raise this child.
Bearing that in mind your DH needs to either get a better paying job or work towards getting better qualified or work 2 jobs.
As for this is not the life you wanted... what do you want? If you have your own child he/she may be brought up better equipped to manage in this world. My DH handed over $400 a month plus medical coverage from his low paying job. His ex now gets nada. Not a cent. Their sons are grown and living away from home.
My life 15 yrs ago was married with 4 children on the other side of the world. We owned a house, had good jobs. Who would think that 2 years later my now-ex would have a major Mid Life Crisis and walk out on me and the kids and move back to his home country. I didn't! No way would I have wanted that single life. I loved being married and having a family. That was my dream. And he took it all away from me. And now? Remarried and living in the USA. So very few people get the life they wanted. I wanted to be a lawyer/ archeologist/nun (too much Sound of Music)/ nurse. Didn't end up in any of those fields.
Right now your life stinks. A little boy misses you and loves you. Long may that continue. Don't blame him for being born. His parents are at fault. But getting angry with your DH is self-defeating. You married him. You knew the situation. So you may as well get angry with yourself which you can't do. Just channel the anger into something else.
Thank you both. I think the
Thank you both. I think the problem I run into is that, yes, I knew the situation going in. But when I got involved, he was sustaining his own life. He had a good job that allowed him to pay his portion of things. Then he got laid off and it kind of went to shit. If he could just pay his portion of necessities like rent, car insurance, utilities, then I would gladly pay for extras. I have three more degrees than he does and I'm aware that I will likely always make more than him. It is just hard right now.
And when people say you knew what the situation was going in, it doesn't make things ANY easier. It just makes you feel completely stupid and helpless.
Ugh, I hate that comment "you
Ugh, I hate that comment "you knew what you were getting into", well, my crystal ball must be broken, cause it didn't tell me about the psychotic borderline BM that was going to become a part of my life! Nope, didn't run a baggage claim search on SO before our first day to check for all stress-inducing, life-sucking baggage that he comes with, didn't make him sign a contract saying that I'm taking him on a FIXED term bases, I'm taking him as he is and his life mustn't change. *Roll eyes*.
Venting. Is. Allowed!!! You are allowed to feel frustrated! You are allowed to acknowledge what isn't working in your life right now! And you are allowed to want and expect some change!
For myself, I can handle 'unfair' situations for a short period of time WHEN I KNOW change is coming. Have you talked to your DH about your situation? Is there any sort of plan for him to start contributing a bit more financially in the near future?? When he was laid off, was CS adjusted? Also b/c he's living with you and has more financial responsibilities, that may effect things too (don't hold your breath though).
((Hugs)) and good luck
@sueu. Maybe I wasn't clear.
@sueu.
Maybe I wasn't clear. I'd like support on this issue. I clearly know that I'm conflicted, which is why I am posting here in order to get clarity. Maybe hear that these feelings are natural, and if they aren't natural, fine. But there is no reason for you to come on this thread and write to someone who is clearly conflicted and hurting about it, to say that she's just in it for sex? And put her down. Totally uncalled for. And for the record, I've decided not to have children, yet, because I am trying to become more stable with my husband financially, and do certain things before children that will be extremely difficult after. Like purchasing a home, and traveling. Perhaps starting a business.
I'm sorry for your experiences with men where they are only a means by which to get laid. That's not the relationship I have. My relationship is based on trust, love, companionship, and we have a whole lot in common and a whole lot of fun together. He is my best friend. I think if you search this forum, you'll find that a lot of women do what I do. And a lot of men do what I do. Or is it a man's place to in your opinion? I'm not desperate by any means. I have just found my perfect match, who happens to have financial difficulties, and a 4 year old.
And since you brought it up, yes. I'm aware that child support is based on income. But as Anon2009 aptly pointed out, there's NO GUARANTEE IT WOULD BE REDUCED. It is based on both his and his ex's income, which she can manipulate easily enough. I could go into great detail about the times I've acted as his paralegal. The times we went to court and how nothing is guaranteed, and how the system works here since I did go through his entire divorce process with him from start to finish, including drafting all official court documentation from his side, and a CS change, but I suspect that might be lost on you.
Go be venomous somewhere else, please. You are completely unsupportive, and that's not why I'm here. I'm here to figure these complicated feelings out. And to try to find people who have gone through what I have and can offer insight and help, because I don't WANT to feel this way.
Thank you.
@MamaDuck
Thank you. I agree. That's the worst to hear. I don't think you can choose who you fall for. I met my husband when his ex was pregnant. I met his ex for the first time when she was 9 months along! So weird. We were friends for a very long time and it wasn't until they separated years later that anything even developed. We were friends for so long and I think that's how the situation sort of snuck up on me. I never dreamed it.
We have discussed change. And he wants to make money. He mentioned last week that he wants to do it for me. Because he thinks I deserve better. He doesn't have a degree, though, and he doesn't think it will really help him. He's the smartest person I know, super talented in so many things. He can remember how many military bases are in Guam, and the most random assortment of information - to the point where he really is like an encyclopedia - but he just can't focus on formal education. He's tried. So we are trying to get him into a trade or I will help him open up some sort of business. He's not lazy. The top things you're likely to find him doing are: working his day job, working on commissions at home, or spending time with me. I have to say that - he's definitely a hard worker.
Step...you are welcome here
Step...you are welcome here and don't you dare spend one moment bothering yourself with angry insulting posts. These people bring there own bad experiences and are using their anger to lash out on someone else rather than looking in the mirror. There is nothing worse than coming to a site to get support and be blasted by someone. Again, ignore. The rest of us are here for you.
I know what you are going through and I completely relate. I do love my step kids even though I have some big issues with how my man raises his daughter, but of course, it is not their fault. It is natural I think to resent them. I do. They cost us ( well me because I am the one who makes WAY more) a lot of money. I sometimes fantasize about a married life without them. The childcare costs really bug me. My SO baby's the SD so much and she may always feel incapable of taking care of herself so God knows how long child care has to go on. My SS is great, a responsible teenager but not good enough to take care of his sister. See, so the anger is more about my SO than my SD.
I do feel that most things revolve around them IF I LET IT. I make an effort to keep myself busy. I have my own schedule. I do not live for them and their needs. My SO thankfully appreciates alone time for just the two of us so we are on the same wave length with that at least. Again, its about setting your personal parameters. Often we posters are a loggerheads with our SOs/spouses/partners whatever. That is why we come here. We come here to vent and support each other. This is an exclusive country club. Only those of us in it know how we feel. You have to experience it for yourself to truly know.
Like you I kick myself sometimes because I knew what I was getting into and got into it anyway. I am a successful woman with degrees behind my name. I fell for this guy who is up in coming but not there yet. He is a good man and we are crazy about each other; yet we have problems grooving into this blended family thing. We just got married last year after dating for two. The warning signs were there...he is extremely protective and defensive about his little girl. She can do no wrong. He thinks she walks on water I don't. I think my own daughter walks on water but point in fact, she is much more mature and helpful by nature. I think my SO is a bit jealous of how well my daughter succeeds and is a help around the house. Makes his little girl look like a lazy thing, which she is. He always makes excuses for her. I excuse NOTHING with my daughter. I am super strict.
Not pulling his weight will get the best of you I am afraid if it does not turn a corner. You will feel that you have truly missed out...well, you already do. He needs to get a better or another job or you will be paying for things for the entirety of your marriage. Now, for some people, this is perfectly fine. And if he assumes most of the house duties and child care duties while you work hard, then that is more fair. I don't know you arrangements. You are feeling the inequity of the situation. What can you or he do to change that a bit. especially if he can't find better work right away?
I don't have all the answers or I might not have married in the first place! We are human. Don't have regrets because it is exactly what you wanted at the time. Things can change. You deserve the best life possible. You deserve NOT to live in misery. Good luck girl.
MY dear I am in your same
MY dear I am in your same shoes and know exactly how you feel.
Since I met, and married my husband, I have pulled him out of debt, paid for the house, all the bills and put him on a track to NOT file bankruptcy. Not because I wanted to get laid, not because I couldn't do better... but because this is just the guy who I honestly wanted to be my husband.
Sure it sucks, and I totally know how you feel I have been going back and forth about having my own kid(s). I'm going to have my own and it took me a long time to work this out in my mind.
AND DONT LET PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE STEP KIDS TALK TO YOU THAT WAY! THEY DONT UNDERSTAND! Talk about someone blaming the wrong person!
There are many things to
There are many things to resent about a step-child. It is hard. Financial strain is always one of the factors. It is not the life any of us had dreamed of. But, you know, the best that you can do is let go of "would have been"s and try to treasure the moment of your life that you do enjoy. I know you may not feel like it, but try it, especially in those moments when you feel that your resentment is eating at your from the inside. Look, it may not be the life you had envisioned for yourself, or the life you had dreamed of as a little girl. But, the reality is, this life may be waaaay better than any of the others. You are married to a person that you love and that loves you back. A child that has no biological encoding to love you actually loves you and expresses it. You are sharing parenting responsibilities with another parent (BM), so, unlike most 'standard' families, you actually have time and opportunity to have couple-time with your DH.
Another
Try to simplify your life, and that will help you reduce financial strain. One dumb example would be: Curling up on the couch with your DH and a crossword puzzle can be even more satisfying than some fine dining on a Friday night.
(oh, and, I know many people who live in pretty houses without any step-children to worry about, who feel totally miserable, and just as over-stressed by the finances...)
It will be ok, because you will make it all ok