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Been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. She has 2 kids a little girl who is 6. And a boy 10. The little girl I feel is a typical 6 year old. The boy is very mean to his mom and sister. Swearing like sailor, slamming doors,talking about beer and drinking when he is 21. His mother gets walked all over by him. And she admits it. She doesn't seem to know what to do or is willing to try. She won't ask for support from the father. If it gets to the point that she just can't handle it she will send him to his grandparents where he learns to swear. She wants me to be the strong male role model and support her. Which I am willing to do. But she doesn't work on getting everyone on the same page.(The father,grandparents,me,and herself) Even with the stress I have grown to love these kids but I'm at a crossroads. Will his behavior get worse,better? Our relationship is at a stand still because of this. I cant/won't commit any farther. She wants to get married. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I feel weak

So first of all what is the

So first of all what is the root of this problem? A 10 year old doesn't learn to swear at his mother or talk about drinking and doing drugs and being a total jerk by going to church on Sundays and/or living in a caring, loving home. So is it your home that he has learned the crappy behavior from or dad's home? And how often is the kid with you vs.with dad?

Your SO is a waste of

Your SO is a waste of parental skin. So... if you want a tolerable life with this woman and her kids then you are going to have to step up and parent. As equity life partners you are also equity parents to any children in your relationship regardless of kid biology.

That said.. if she is not parenting then she isn't your equity life partner. I would rethink this relationship were I you.

She does take the kids to

She does take the kids to church. In fact she teaches sunday school. Takes the kids on vacation and does all kinds of things with them. She really is a good woman. Unlike their father. But she gives in to them and that is the part that worries me.

She likes the shineygood PR

She likes the shiney good PR stuff but not the actual parenting. If you polish a turd ... in the end... at the core... it is still a turd. She needs to step up and parent... More importantly she needs to grow up and parent. Anyone can do the fun stuff. It is the daily grind of the raising of viable adults that is hard.

My XILs were like this. They were apparently good church going people who maintained a facade of respectibility in their church and the comminity. My XFIL was even a City Councilman.

Early in the short 2.5 years of that marriage something just didn't smell quite right to me. Meanwhile 9 years after the divorce and back at the ranch (the ranch purchased with embezzled funds) my XMIL went to prison for embezzlement and fraud. As she and the rest of the family (XMIL, XFIL, XW, XSIL, XBIL) were walking out of the civil settlemet hearing where they were nailed with nearly $10Mil in restitution and punitive damages to pay back XMILs long term employer XMIL was arrested by the Federal Marshals. My XW was personally liable for ~$2mm of that settlement.

So... no matter how shiney something may be on the surface.... your nose knows the truth.

Follow your nose.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

She might be a good woman,

She might be a good woman, but she is not a good parent. She is teaching that boy that it is ok to disrespect women, it is ok to be a bully, etc. She needs parenting classes, like yesterday. Otherwise, this is likely to get much, much worse.

Have you tried to discipline the boy? If so, what was her response?

I have to an extent. Taken

I have to an extent. Taken things away because of bad behavior,raised my voice. He listens to me very well. But if I try and talk to her about what we should try as a team she gets defensive. And says have some empathy he has been through a lot. I got her to start taking him to therapy but she quit taking him because of the expense and she didn't feel like it was helping. So I told her to try a different therapist. That went nowhere. I sure do love this woman and this is hard.

Think long term

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. You need to think long term and decide how long you want to deal with that behavior? Another 20 years? If you are willing to make that commitment then go for it with all you have. Just remember, it won’t be easy. I’m not saying it won’t be worth it, but don’t do it expecting some glory or thank you.....it’s probably never going to happen. If a thank you/positive change does happen, trust me, it will mean the world to you. You will have impacted his life for the good, and that is something priceless. You have to stay in this child’s life because you choose to make a difference in his life, not just because of an attachment to mom. The strain that type of destructive behavior puts on a relationship is tough to say the least and you haven’t even begun with normal life stressors. This is just my opinion from my experience and you know in your gut what is truly best for you. Don’t second guess your best judgement.

Thank you! My gut tells me to

Thank you! My gut tells me to get out. My heart tells me to stay. I had a good upbringing and want those kids to experience that as well. I truly do and some days I want to be that guy but some days I don't. And the main reason is because anything I do will probably be undermined by there father who is an alcoholic. I don't know I'm a very emotional caring man. Probably to much. We don't even live together yet. I have to say this is probably the hardest decision of my life. I just wish I knew what the right answer was.

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