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Just because I'm not a mom, doesn't mean I don't know anything.

boogeymom's picture

For those of you like me who elected NOT to have bio-kids on purpose and of our own free-will, do you ever get the whole "she/he doesn't get it because he/she isn't a parent" thing? I'm specifically wondering about us child-free by choice people, because it seems like, in spite of the fact that I work with kids daily for 20 years or so, people (specifically BM and the in-laws) seem to think I don't understand the first thing about kids because I don't have or WANT any of my own. I think if I didn't have kids because I was UNABLE to, rather than making the conscious choice not to, they'd probably at least give me a small break, but because I don't want kids, I think they think I'm definitely the Wicked Step-mother in spite of my efforts to better these kids (I gave up). Personally, I think this makes me uniquely situated to see many things about these skids that their own bio-kin DON'T see because they're blinded by the fact that they are theirs and do NOT see what everyone else sees because they want to believe the skids are better than they actually are. DH is sometimes the worst culprit in this because when it comes to kids who aren't his, he'll be the first one to point them out and say, "What the hell, why can't those parents control their kids?!?" Of course, when his kids do the exact same stuff, he can't control his kids, his parents can't control his kids, and BM CERTAINLY can't control his kids. Know who used to be able to control his kids before she disengaged? Me! I feel like it's because I'm able to be objective about it because they're not my kids, just like all the kids I work with aren't my kids, either, so I'm objective about them. Just like any other kids, I can see from the outside the realities of the child/parent interaction, I can see what's working, what's not, etc. Now that I've disengaged from the skids and DH's family's interactions with them, I think I see way better than they do what isn't working and why the skids are getting steadily worse, but I'm not going to help because every time I try, I get the old "she's not a mom" thing. Now everyone is starting to wonder where these kids are going wrong, but it's the exact same stuff that's been happening for the almost 10 years I've known them, it just goes around and around with nothing gained or changed, and with all the same old dysfunctional behaviors. The difference now is, I won't step in to buffer or try to help remedy the situation, I just let it all play out, and now even the family is starting to see that these kids are pretty much out of control. At this point, I say let the games continue. Just waiting for the situation to come to its inevitable head.

What am I getting myself into's picture

LOVE IT!

boogeymom's picture

Right, the "magic uterus" is apparently what some people have that automatically makes them understand kids. Let me tell ya, if such a phenomenon truly existed, my entire career would be completely unnecessary. They'd be able to teach and control their kids with no help at all and would definitely know what to do with their special ed kids.

abitguarded's picture

You say that you disengaged....I have recently done this and I am now accused of hating his daughter and it is probably going to end our relationship. If this does wind up ending, I can promise I will never be with a man that has children again. I will not subject myself to being the bad person all the dang time. I would rather be alone than deal with this crap.

boogeymom's picture

ABSOLUTELY. If my marriage ever ended, God forbid, I would NEVER EVER even DATE a guy with kids again.

boogeymom's picture

I know it. My DH isn't a Disney Dad, but he's definitely still got guilty dad syndrome because he hates having to think he's the bad guy (even though he's not because it WAS me up until disengagement...he made the threats, but I was the one following through...not anymore). I would just find some other child-free guy and have a blast without having to worry about kids in my home.

TraumatizedSM's picture

This is why I'm disengaging.....Don't know what I'm talking about just because I've never popped one out? Fine with me! Not mine, not my problem. And even after I pop out one of my own, your kid will still not be my problem. And I refuse to be anyone's scapegoat or doormat!

My DH once told me that I can't expect my SD to be like me because her personality is not like mine, she's not me! Well I thought, holy sh*t, if that is the case, then she must be acting like her BM then, and you my DH is SOL!

JYMCat's picture

I always love it when people say this to me. These are the same people who expect me to love SD like my own. So I always retort, if I don't know what I'm talking about because I've never had a child, then I can't possibly know how to love a child either.

Executivestepmother's picture

-MY "feelings," are mostly about how my husband reacts to his Daughter.

-The SD6 isn't super horrible it's her actions that are

-The only people who change/raise children are the parents, which means while under my roof it's my responsibility and right to enforce my rules

-My husband is MY husband before he is a father so it's MY way first.

-HE only has one wife, and if he wants me to be it, he will treat me like it and treat his child like his child.

-My feelings and wishes are valid

-There are times when it's ok for me to be selfish, I have a life too

-SD has 12 grandparents who give her gifts and love her, she isn't a victim.

-If we treat her a certain way because we feel guilty she will always be a victim

-She has gone on more vacations that I have in the last 3 years... so it's ok for me to go places with out her.

-SD wants me to treat her like a kid, not respect her like an adult

-SD wants to please me, I have to show her how

-My husband needs to know how I feel, even when the message is SO horrible and makes me look like a selfish brat.

-Wanting my husband to act like MY husband and have me as hit top priority isn't WRONG!

-My husband does not know more about parenting simply because he has reproduced

-If I ever have my own kids I will treat them differently that SD because they are different people and have different lives and values

-Baby mama will always be a slut, but SD will have a choice

-When SD asks why her parent's are not together and whats to know what happened I think it is our duty to be honest with her. Ya know when she is old enough to know what happens with a one night stand.

-My Husband and I need to be on the same page when it comes to the expectation we have for SD.

-I need to help my husband get over his guilt

-I will never love SD like my own, simply because she is not

-Taking a break from SD is perfectly normal, natural and necessary

-If my husband and I can't help SD become a responsible person who isn't a slut, she has no chance.

-SD will piss me off... SD will never go away.... SD will always ask for money... SD will learn how to impress me... SD may never want to impress me... SD will learn how to respect my financial contribution to her life...

chzcayke's picture

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

This post means so much to me. I have elected to not have children. My husband agreed to this although he does try to change my mind sometimes. But I have been a preschool teacher for 8 years. I like to think I know children! I'd like to think I can be an objective observer! I see things that DH either doesn't see or refuses to see.

You said, "I think if I didn't have kids because I was UNABLE to, rather than making the conscious choice not to, they'd probably at least give me a small break, but because I don't want kids, I think they think I'm definitely the Wicked Step-mother in spite of my efforts to better these kids (I gave up)" Not only does his family think this but so does MY family. Just because I didn't get knocked up these people think I have no idea what I am doing or I shouldn't believe what I do.

I'm glad I am not alone.