Is it ever worth it?
I'm in a new relationship with a man with 2 kids. I have none of my own. I wound up on this site just googling and I've read through a bunch of posts. I have to admit that I'm really debating ending the relationship before I get too far in. I already struggle with a ton of the same issues I read about on the forum. I thought maybe after time it'd get better, but now I'm not sure.
I love my bf. We dated years ago and split up and he married someone else and had kids with her. She left. And we bumped into each other later on and here we are again. Except there are kids. I'm already a little resentful because had we stayed together it would have been us. But it was an equal breakup, I was just as much at fault.
I'm also feeling rotten because I have absolutely no desire to get to know these kids and I feel like he really deserves to be with a woman who wants the whole package. I'm perfectly happy with being an every other weekend gf since I love my own time anyhow. The kids are sweet and well behaved. I feel like we love each other, but this situation is doomed. I'd also like to have my own kids someday, and not really sure I want to do that with someone else who already has some. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know, but I just cant picture being ok with a blended family. I'm older, my clock is ticking. Sometimes I think at this age I may have to take what I can get and if I've found someone who makes me happy I should just be happy and deal with what comes up. But I want to vomit whenever plans come up with the kids.
Is there any good reason to get involved with someone with kids? Looking back now, would you do it all over again? Or run for the hills?
My DH has a 5 year old
My DH has a 5 year old daughter and I have no kids of my own (but I do want them). DH and I have known each other since we were teenagers. He always had a crush on me but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship by taking things further. Then BM enters the picture. All of a sudden, DH isn’t “allowed” to talk to me anymore. BM gets pregnant on purpose to try to trap DH but it doesn’t work. DH gets back into contact with me and we start dating.
That was over 3 years ago and the entire time we have been together, BM has given us nothing short of HELL. I love my DH to death but it is VERY hard to accept that he has a kid with another woman (especially given the circumstances- it’s not like I just met DH and he already had a kid). I resent DH and SD because I am not put first the way I feel like a wife should be (DH and BM were never married so this is his first marriage too, although it sure doesn’t feel that way).
Honestly, over the years I have become a person I don’t like and a person I would have never wanted to become. I am so bitter and resentful. I am always thinking about how my life would be so much easier if I would have just found a man without all this baggage.
Now I am at the point in my life where I want to start having my own children but DH already had one. We don’t get to share the experience of having your first baby. He’s already been there, done that. He says it will be a lot different because I’m his wife and this baby will actually be planned/wanted (SD was an oopsie) but I am not so sure. I think when BM finds out I am pregnant (I am not yet), she is going to flip out and make things even more hard for us than she already does.
My life is just so hard and it was never this way until I got together with DH. We have a lot of good times (the weeks he doesn’t have SD). But when SD is around, I am pretty much on the backburner until she goes back to her mother’s. DH’s family treat me like I am some new girlfriend and like BM is family, when in reality I am the first and only wife and they have not been together in 4 years.
I don’t know if it’s worth it or not. I am still trying to figure that one out myself.
I really appreciate all the
I really appreciate all the responses. The more I think about it, I just know I'm not going to be able to shake the resentment. And, although I haven't put everything that I'm feeling out on the table, the things that I have alluded to have already not gone well. Deep down I really feel like I deserve someone who's waited for me his whole life like I have for him. Being my age and knowing there are just no single, baggage-free men left, I wonder if that's a bit of a fairytale...
^^uneasy, I wonder the same
^^uneasy, I wonder the same thing. I am also 27 and even though I think about finding a man with no kids, it's really not that easy. I haven't met a man without kids in a VERY long time, and I don't really even know anyone my age without kids. It just sucks.
that is a hard questions. If
that is a hard questions. If I could do it all over again dealing with BM..when my boyfriend first approached me I would have punched him in the face and shot him in the knee and then be happy sitting in jail, just as long as I didnt have to deal with the drama that comes along with being with him...LOL!!!..but the love that I have for my SKs its hard. I wish I would have had kids but bringing kids into a already unstable relationship (because of SKs and BM) I am not sure, the thing that sucks is that we have been together for a while now and its either give up the family that I have now to start my own. And these days most men my age already have children and if they dont something is really wrong. Wish I could help but if you get some kind of good advice shoot it my way!!
In my opinion, you should go
In my opinion, you should go with your gut. I think you have already decided that this is not the right situation for you. You have a picture of what you want out of life and it doesn't involve step-children. That isn't selfish, it's just how you feel. Maybe someday you will feel differently but right now, I don't think it's something you want.
It is a hard life that we choose, but choose is the key word. You don't have to choose this life for yourself. If it's not right for you, don't do it. You are right, your bf and step-children deserve someone who wants a package deal.
You will find the right situation for you, as will he. Don't settle for a situation you are not happy in.
My situation is not that
My situation is not that dissimilar from yours - ended up dating a man with kids, had doubts and wondered whether it was best to just end the relationship now before I got in too deep. I had the same sort of issues; I want to have my own kids some day, and could I get over the jealousy of thinking at every milestone my child reaches that my bf has been there before? Did I really want to have to bother with the added complication of having to consider his kids with everything we do - like moving somewhere, or going on holiday, or even how we're going to spend Christmas? And for me, I have some jealousy issues with BM, and did I really want to be confronted with those every day?
I guess I haven't completely figured it out myself yet either, but in your situation I would say the same thing as the poster above - go with your gut. I ran it all through in my mind over and over again and eventually decided that my bf is worth the hassle. I'm not happy about the fact that he's got kids and an ex-wife, but it's something that I'm starting to learn to live with. Talking to my bf about how I felt and how he felt about it really helped me accept the situation and him being understanding about it all has been brilliant. 9 months on I'm starting to think I can actually do this.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't make the decision to leave your bf lightly. Only you know what you truly want and are capable of, and if you can't accept that his kids will play a big part in your life together then maybe it's best to leave. But whereas I found it really upsetting for a good few months, I have eventually started to accept the situation and am now cautiously looking forward to spending time with my Skids. So take your time and I hope you'll be happy in whatever you decide to do.
Run.
Run.
well i guess I'm going with
well i guess I'm going with my gut. We're finished, although we keep going back and forth, it's doomed. I think I could happily stick with someone who has kids if they treated me right, but in this case, I'm starting to doubt the entire thing. But, at least I'm leaving knowing that it has nothing to do with the kids
I really appreciate all the great advice! Thank you so much
I am glad to see you are
I am glad to see you are going to get out before you get in any deeper. I am so sorry, but it is for the best. Even if BF is a good guy, even if you have history, even if outside of the skid issue you get along, it is just not worth it. Could it be bearable? Yes, but it will not be the life you deserve or want. I would never had married DH had I known how bad it would get.
I'm so sorry to hear that I
I'm so sorry to hear that
I go back and forth way too much... I was sure I was done, but then he does something amazing and I get sucked back in... I'm not really sure what I'm doing, but I'm still going to distance myself from the kids for a good long time.
Uneasy, I do the same thing.
Uneasy, I do the same thing. Some days I am ready to pack my stuff, load my animals and tell him to go take a flying leap. Other days, he acts like the man I fell in love with, and I think, hmmmm...maybe he is coming around, and then, boom! back to the same crap. Distance yourself from the kids as much as possible. Doing that and coming on here is really helping me.
I know what you mean... last
I know what you mean... last night he said all the right things and was exactly the man that I want to be with. I even think he's a great dad... I just feel awful that I have no desire to hang out with his kids. I dont know how much longer I can keep finding other things to do.
In my own defense, my friends think he introduced me to them way too soon...
Don't feel awful. You have no
Don't feel awful. You have no reason to. They are not your children. Get rid of that guilt!
Trust your gut. Anyone can
Trust your gut. Anyone can put on the charm when they are afraid of losing you. The real them is the them when they are comfortable.
excellent points! isnt it
excellent points! isnt it normal though when you are seeing someone to want to get to know people in their lives? Sometimes I think I may be being too uptight about the kids... but my gosh, my whole body tightens up just thinking about dropping by when they are around. I've never been comfortable with kids... I really dont know why I put myself in this situation
I left after 3 1/2 years . I
I left after 3 1/2 years . I knew in my gut after a 1 1/2 when I came to this board that I should leave. I wrote him a letter and gave him the letter and he tore it up and said he will work on things. Just words. He never did anything and did not change a thing.
I am happy to hear you have your gut and wits with you and you are doing the right thing. I was also ok being the every other weekend girlfriend in the beginning. However, when we went deep into engagement and children and I saw the real him I realized he has a lot to learn.
I essentially abandoned myself . You stay strong and find a nice guy who will be all you want. It is not a fairy tale and it is who you are. Believe and love yourself and know he is on his way to you. I am 34 and have not lost faith that I will meet the right guy.
I have a friend that was
I have a friend that was engaged at 25 and thought he was the one.
Then she started noticing things that weren't right so she broke off the engagement.
Last month (5 years later) she married a great guy. She is 30 and he is in his mid 30's. They both have no children and she is thrilled to have finally married the man of her dreams.
Never stop believing!
Thanks so much again for all
Thanks so much again for all the nice words of encouragement!
We had another breakup... I'm not sure we'll patch it together this time. I actually find myself sympathizing with the BM now because I cant imagine putting up with this guy for as long as she did.
From some of the things that he has said about their relationship, I'm wondering if she cheated on him and left because the second child looks too much like the other man.
Isnt it illegal to make a man pay child support when you know the kid isnt his?
I don't know if it is
I don't know if it is illegal, but it should be. It would be hard to prove that she knew though, she would just deny it. Here, If a man was married to the mother at the time of birth, on the BC, and over two years have passed, he is responsible for the child even in the event that a paternity test proves he is not the bio dad. Each state may have their own rules. So, essentially, the guy gets screwed and has to financially support a child that is not his if he does not prove he is not the father within 2 years of the birth.