I was not ready for them to live with us full time
I've been with my husband for almost 3 years. When I met him, his daughters spent half of their time at their moms and half of their time with us, so ever week or so we would get a "break," where it would just be us. Last summer, my oldest SD (now 17) decided for some reason that she hated staying with us, her and her dad had this big falling out and she went to live with her mom. Around the same time, my youngest SD (now 15) started staying with us more, like she might only go to her moms for a week out of every month. She's pretty low-maintenance for a teenager, honestly. She goes to school, goes to work, hangs out at home, doesn't ask for much, and she CLEANS without being asked. It's amazing.
Well, about a month ago my other SD decided that she wanted to come back. It was awkward at first because of how much her and her dad fought before she left, and she never genuinely apologized for some of the things she said, but it's obvious she's trying to turn over a new leaf. But now it's been a month and neither of them have gone to stay with their mom at all. Their mom is a real piece of work, so I've always told myself that I need to be prepared for them to come live with us, but it's only been a month and it's really wearing on me. The oldest has a DL but we don't trust her to actually go to school if we let her drive. And they both have jobs that they need to get back and forth to. And then when my husband comes home from work at night they usually ask if we can go somewhere, and he usually says yes. And they ask for rides to and from their friends houses. So for the last month I feel like our lives center around their schedules and taking them to and from everywhere. It seems like my husband never tells them no anymore. I feel like I never get to spend any real time with him anymore. I feel like our time together isn't as much of a priority to him as it used to be. I have brought all of this to his attention, making sure to tell him that it's not that I don't want them to be here, but I feel like our relationship isn't a priority. He says he doesn't really know what to do because "he's all they have now." Which kind of offended me because I take care of them too, a lot. For the last 2 years I've been working for myself, my schedule has been flexible, so I've done everything I can to help him with them, take them to school, pick them up, take them to work, pick them up, hang out with them when they're sad, etc. Anyway.
I just need a damn break. He asked them last night if they were planning to go to their moms next week and they're both like ".....we don't know." I totally understand if it's a bad environment at their moms and they don't want to be there, but I really really just want a night alone with my husband in our house. I'm about to start a new job that will make me unavailable for most of the day, and if we don't see each other in the evenings we won't see each other at all. I'm concerned for our future honestly.
Sounds like your DH feels
Sounds like your DH feels like he won the prize by the kids choosing to live with him - doesn't BM care that they don't come over? Why is it their choice whether they see her or not? That's a lot of power to give a couple of teenagers.
Anyway - I would request that he find a way to balance his responsibilities as a parent with the needs of your marriage. If the older one has a driver's license, give her a chance to prove her trustworthiness.
She does care, and she begs
She does care, and she begs them to come stay with her all the time. I feel like there's a reason they don't want to be there that they aren't telling us about. They used to tell us everything but as they've gotten older they keep more things to themselves. Sometimes I think she can't afford for them to live there with her. Last I knew, her utilities were getting cut pretty frequently and my older SD hasn't had cell service for a while because BM is so behind on the bill that she can't afford to have it turned back on. They've also told us that there's never any food in the house. In their divorce they agreed to let the kids choose where they wanted to stay, so they go back and forth depending on how they feel at the time.
Last night was my breaking point. He came home from work and they wanted to go to Walmart for...who knows what. I went with them because I wanted to get whatever time I could with him. When we got home I finally just broke down and told him how I've been feeling. It used to be that when they wanted to go somewhere as soon as he got home, he would tell them to wait and he would take them after I went to bed because they all stay up so much later than I do. But recently it's like their whims take precendence over everything else. He said "I probably should have just let them take the car" and I'm like YOU THINK?? We haven't been alone for more than 10 or 20 minutes in a whole month! He used to tell me that our relationship was the priority, because the girls will eventually grow up and go out on their own but we will be together for the rest of our lives. Now he's like helicopter dad, and I don't know what changed. Even last night at the store, he was following them around while they were looking for deodorant and shampoo and whatever, and he never used to do that. He would just let them go and we would go off and wander around without them. I don't know if he sees them growing up and is suddenly afraid of losing them or what.
He needs to be insisting they
He needs to be insisting they go see their mother - how would he feel if they refused to come to his house? Even if it's just for an overnight here and there. This idea that "they decide" is silly and gives them the ability to punish whichever parent they are mad at for the moment. Not to mention it gives YOU zero choice in the matter - and you should have more choice than they do.
He can't make up for their mother's shortcomings, and become a coddling helicopter parent won't help - it will make it worse. He needs to encourage independence and giving them the car to go to Walmart themselves is a good start - and will give you guys time together.
SD17 has refused to come to
SD17 has refused to come to our house before, for months at a time. It makes him feel bad, but he doesn't try to persuade her to come back, nor does her mother force her to. They literally stay wherever is most convenient for them at the time. Co-parenting is nonexistent between my husband and BM. There is a written agreement in their divorce papers that say the kids can stay wherever they want, they never officially set a schedule or split up the time. I have seen it with my own eyes. It was unbelievable to me, too.
Yeah, that's so destructive
Yeah, that's so destructive to the girls, and it takes away their power as parents. No wonder he caters to them when they "choose" him. He's afraid of being the one who is NOT "chosen".
Not to worry you further, but
Not to worry you further, but is it possible that he has something else going on the side? It just feels like he's lost interest in you and his girls are an excuse to have distance. I could be totally off base here, but I would definitely gently broach the topic with him and see if he has a reaction. Your gut will tell you, I believe. I would hate to be in your situation and I do predict the same coming my way someday-the SKs coming around more often and creating a wedge. Things always change.
These kids are old enough to
These kids are old enough to stay home alone. Also- I have told my kids before- find a friend to stay the night. I tell them to tell their friend's mom we can swap next weekend. They find a friend to go to or they can go to their mom. Either way, they can't stay there Saturday (or whatever night) night.
DATE YOUR HUSBAND! Go out, get fancy, come home and have no one else in the house sex!
Disengage from SK
Stop the taxi service. Stop doing everything they want. Let Dah know you want a date night ever other week. You should be able to go away alone for a week or do. Your like can not be center around SK who don't give a sh*t about you.
To be honest I feel sort of
To be honest I feel sort of bad for my husband. We all want his time, and he doesn't want to slight any of us. I get it, I guess. I think I just wasn't ready for them to be....around all the time. Not only do I rarely, if ever, get a quiet night alone with my husband anymore, but I can't even relax on a Saturday. I usually have a plan for my day off and it's always getting impeded by one of the girls getting called into work, or needing to be picked up from somewhere, or some other BS. But I feel guilty if I don't help because otherwise he's running ragged trying to do it all by himself. I just wasn't prepared at all for this situation, and I don't know if I'm being selfish. I never wanted kids, I don't have any motherly instincts, and for a long time we were on a schedule where I didn't have to be a "parent" all the time and I could handle it. Now I feel like I can't handle it. And I think he thinks I'm going to leave. He says he doesn't know what to do because he spends all of his free time with me. Our perceptions are obviously different because I feel like I get the leftovers of whatever time he has. I'm just starting to wonder if it would be better for everybody if I just go.
So feel you on this one. If
So feel you on this one. If you're asking if you should let the relationship go, I would go ahead and try the 50/week plan first before officially bailing out. Feel your sadness.
Date night! And... if the
Date night! And... if the Skids won't go to mommy's so you can have an occasional night alone in your own home, have a hotel night at a nice hotel just the two of you.
You both should enjoy the hotel therapy.
It will get easier
My situation isn't too dissimiliar. My DH is a helicopter dad to his 3 sons; constantly over-compensating for their BM who is on the scene but completely lacking in any maternal instinct. The SSs live with us fulll-time. In the early days, me and my DH would have the occasional weekend away, just to give us some alone time. It has got easier as they've got older and more independent. We have two still living with us but they're on the verge of moving out. I still get frustrated with my DH over his parenting style - he over-indulges them so it took a long time for them to grow up (they're now in their 20s) and they still expect a lot of stuff done for them (good luck to their future wives!). As some previous contributors have said, you and your DH must make time to be alone. It's the only way your marriage will survive. Good luck! x x
They're teenagers and seem
They're teenagers and seem pretty responsible. Set up date night with your dh. The kids will be fine