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I took the jump

veryconfused's picture

Just updating. Short version: I lived with my fiancé for the past year with his 2 young kids (I do not have kids, never wanted any) and decided that it was too stressful while trying to finish grad school/residency/internship. I asked for us to live separate for 1 year, but still date. He threatened to break-up if they couldn't move into the house that I bought.
Last week, Wednesday night, I emailed him a letter explaining that I was not capable at this time to have them all move in. I expressed that I love him dearly, but that I cannot handle all the stress with school and all the other issues - including ex filing for CS now because she won't work... I commended him on how his life centers around his kids, how he's a great dad, etc. I explained that my life also matters, and that my focus is not on the kids all the time...that we are on 2 different paths right now.
So, he ended it like he said he would. I was supposed to go away with him last Thursday to watch the eclipse - about a 10 hour drive south. I did not go. This worked out good because I had 6 days to process all this without him here. The first 3 days were horrible for me - couldn't eat, sleep, cried and cried and cried. I cleaned out the remaining things in our rental and settled into my new house. I threw out most of our pictures, and put away the ones I was not ready to toss yet. I don't think it's healthy to have it in front of me right now.
I truly did/do love this man, but I also love myself. He was unable to accept that I needed 1 year to complete my grad degree and get a footing in my field - in exchange for then being more prepared to raise his kids for the next 10+ years. That is unfair, and I would never do that to someone. He expected me to love his kids as much as he does, he would not agree to set house rules prior to moving in, I was the one responsible for handling ALL bills, trips, household issues - seriously EVERYTHING, in addition to taking care of my mother and her property issues, school, my business, and my internship. His excuse for not being able to help with things was that he works 8:30am-4:30pm and most places are closed, so he can't really accomplish things to help out after work. Plus, he did not have time for me. He would drive an hour to see his kids' practices even on the days we didn't have the kids. We had them 3-4x's a week, which went into Friday- Saturday. I think he tries to overcompensate with the kids out of guilt.
He expected me to have the same interest and enthusiasm for his kids as he did. It is not possible. My feelings of indifference/annoyance about the kids only increased the more I was with them - and they are not bad kids. They are young and normal, but the chaos they brought into my life was overwhelming.
I think the biggest lesson I learned from all this is that it is imperative to stay true to ourselves. We matter too. Our feelings, our lives, our interests, our dreams - all matter too. I'll probably get flamed for this, but I feel that divorces happen in today's times because there is too much concentration on the kids and the marriage falls apart. I feel that yes - absolutely that the kids' needs should be taken care of in everyway, but the kids shouldn't be the center of the parents' lives. His kids trumped everything, including things that were important to me.
All his decisions affected mine. He would guilt trip me if I wanted to go away with my friends or do things without him or the kids. I was losing myself.
I finally am feeling lighter, I feel freed. This is so weird because I was completely committed to this man. Prior to him I traveled all the time, was super spontaneous, enjoyed my freedom. Right now I feel like I am testing out a frozen lake - like I am lightly taking a step to see if it's safe. I guess it feels hard to believe that I am once again free. I still hurt like hell, but I am unwilling to sacrifice my life for the next 10+ years to raise kids that are not mine and to always have to be reminded of his marriage with his ex everyday. I am happy that she is in my past now forever.
I made this decision after joining this forum. I asked for advice and received so many perspectives that I would not have been able to see on my own. I am confident and happy in my decision to stand firm. It's ok that it hurts right now. What wasn't ok was giving my life away to someone who did not value me the same as I valued him. My instincts feel that this was right. For the first time since January - I feel at peace. I even saw a counselor in February about this - and it was no help. You guys helped me. I got truth here. I felt supported.
For anyone on the fence like I was - please realize your own value and stay true to yourself. Please follow your own dreams. I can't begin to tell you how uplifted I feel today. Again, yes, very sad at the same time - but I know in my heart that I did the right thing. Please don't sell yourself short. You are worth so much more. Thank everyone of you who shared your stories and offered advice. You are my heroes!

veryconfused's picture

For the record, I tried to indent so my post wouldn't look all bunched together - but it didn't format that way - sorry! I'll skip lines next time.

ldvilen's picture

A big thanks and you're welcome to you from all of us! Love the last paragraph or two. Heck love the whole post. Especially this line: "I think the biggest lesson I learned from all this is that it is imperative to stay true to ourselves. We matter too. Our feelings, our lives, our interests, our dreams - all matter too." This is what I find lacking for SMs, even from some "professional" counselors. SMs don't matter, for the most part, and are expected to suck it up and take it over and over for what really amounts to the fallout from someone else's divorce. It is almost like expecting someone to serve a prison sentence for a crime they never committed, nor had any part in. But, people have this expectation all the time with steps.

veryconfused's picture

You are so correct! It feels exactly like a prison sentence for a crime we did not commit. I will be one counselor who will never ever invalidate a SM's feelings! I will empower her!

Aunt Agatha's picture

You should be so very proud of yourself! It couldn't have been an easy decision, but those next 10 years are bound to be a much happier time for you! Honestly, he doesn't sound ready for a relationship with an adult at this time.

That feeling of stepping cautiously on thin ice will dissipate, leaving clear skies and a solid path instead!

Go you!

veryconfused's picture

It was such a difficult decision and I went back and forth several times. I made pro and con lists. I saw a counselor. I was feeling sick inside, I stopped going to the gym because I became depressed. This uneasy feeling was present every minute of every day, it was my every thought. I learned that it's called Cognitive Dissonance - doing something that is against your core values. I never wanted kids, yet there I was raising someone else's. I believed in exploring the world, yet I allowed myself to be grounded for someone who did not consider or try to understand my goals and dreams.

I'm telling you... it only took a few days for that constant queasy uneasy feeling to dissipate. I wasted months unnecessarily feeling that way. I really hope SMs will listen to SMs who have gone through these experiences. I hope SMs will take the advice as I have. I hope SMs will love themselves the most. We only have this one life.

veryconfused's picture

I am going to leave work early on Friday, and take my dog (who now gets to sleep on my bed again) and drive a few states away to hang out with some friends of mine that are camping. I am going to watch the Conner-Mayweather fight, get loud, maybe tipsy, and enjoy my freedom.

When I get back, I am going to start planning my vacation for over the Thanksgiving holiday. I am going to look for a deal to fly to an island with a friend of mine for 5 days.

While he was away, I finally got a pedi and mani - so overdue.

I am so happy that my new house is peaceful, clean, organized. I even bought WHITE bathroom rugs and I can put my expensive hair products back on the shelves. There is zero kid crap in my house.

I have my own office in my house now since I did not have to give up the 2 rooms to the kids! My office has a chaise lounge - which is funny because I'm completing my degree as a psychologist LOL. yep, I'm embarrassed to say that all this school - and being a counselor myself - I couldn't work through this without all the help I found on here.

I bought my dog his own chaise lounge for the living room too! Even my dog is much happier already! I always felt bad leaving him with the kids and my now ex because I could tell he was unhappy there. He didn't like the kids. My ex was never nice to him, only tolerated him. My dog is extremely obedient too - he was trained as a search and rescue dog, and even pulled a boy to safety this summer that was almost drowning in a lake. My dog jumped in and literally dragged the boy out, and he wasn't even trained for that type of work. My poor dog wasn't allowed on the bed, not even when we weren't home, even though I washed the sheets every week and also put a blanket on top of the bed after I made it every morning. - yet - his kids were always allowed to plow through the door without knocking and jump into our bed at 5am, even on Saturday mornings. OMG, I can sleep in now!

I am back on track and caught up with all my schooling.

I should have been more brave and did this so much sooner. Fear of the unknown and love that was not reciprocated at the same level is what kept me from acting sooner. Ladies - don't stick around if you are not being treated fairly. Please love yourselves.

Ok, I'll stop rambling now. No one else can understand any of this beside the people in this forum. I am so grateful I found this place...I'm going to send clients here if I ever come across any going through a similar situation.

StepUltimate's picture

You are awesome, so glad I found & read this! Very much appreciate uour updates. Best,

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I wish we could "pin" posts. Yours would be a great one for women who are trying to decide whether to stay or go. You offer the positive side of leaving.

Congratulations - you made the right decision for yourself. Time will help the sad feelings that will still appear once in awhile.

Merry's picture

Congratulations. We forget that we are strong, capable women. We take tiny steps away from who we are so that we can accommodate other people, and pretty soon we don't recognize ourselves and we've lost our direction.

YOU are a strong, capable woman and you have learned a great deal about yourself. Consider that a huge win.

sportslover's picture

wooo wooo! Now free for adventures and good times!

So agree with you..as my sister says "in our day the kids orbited around the parents. Now the parents orbit around the kids. Huge mistake all around". And if I had a dime for every divorced person that admitted to me after 3 drinks that their divorce was very much because of this, I'd be typing this from the French Riviera.

So happy for you! Each week will get easier and better, too!

yolo222's picture

I agree with everything you stated especially the part about parents revolving around the kids. Marriage can't work when this occurs.

I basically broke it off with someone for the same reasons you did. Best decision of my life. Can't live in a child centered universe where I came in as a last priority. Any marriage would fail in this scenario. I also dis not want a life with an ex wife involved each day. It's a difficult spot to be in and I won't do it again. I would much rather be alone.

veryconfused's picture

Neither will I. I will NEVER EVER put myself in this position again. I'm so relieved to be free from hearing about the ex and all the issues related to her.

BethAnne's picture

Congratulations! It sounds like you are making steps forward. I am glad that you found the advice here helpful but to me it sounded like you were ready to leave all on your own and just needed a little hand holding to reassure yourself that you were doing the right thing. Enjoy your new freedoms.

veryconfused's picture

I knew in my heart what I wanted, but I loved this man so damn much. I saw myself old with him. I fully trusted his loyalty. He has many positive traits, but it didn't balance out.

It came so close to him and the kids moving in... he had a key, he started moving things in...I was watching as my life was being overtaken. He changed his address. I let all this happen, while feeling more stressed as things happened.

I really don't believe that I would have stopped it, if I didn't read about all the experiences on here. He'd leave a half hour earlier than me in the mornings, and I would read things on here for a half hr every morning - for months.

Even counselors where I work told me to try it out.

I found my courage here Smile

Rags's picture

You wont get flamed by me. Kids should never be the center of anyone's life except their own. Even their parents lives. The marriage, and equity life partnership at the center of a family... whether initial or blended.... has to be the only and unchallenged priority for the two partners followed very closely by the wellbeing of them as individuals.

Kids are the top responsibility but should not usurp the position of priority ..... ever.

Kids are a transient period of focus for adults. Kids are awesome, raising them is an amazing and sometimes infuriating experience but those who make their kids their lives often suffer divorce if not multiple divorces and far more often than necessary end up being alone and the crazy old cat lady or creepy cranky old man when their kids launch, mature and begin to focus on their own lives and families.

veryconfused's picture

Rags,
Your experiences, knowledge, and wisdom moved me the most on here.

Loxy's picture

Totally agree Rags, not only does it weaken your relationship to put the kids first it also raises brats with unrealistic expectations and demands who will suffer greatly in life as adults when they realise everyone else in the world will not put their needs first all the time, if at all.

Lost17's picture

wow thank you for this post and words of encouragement! I've been married for a little under 3 yrs and my DW kids have been living with us the whole time. My SD is 8 and she is a total nightmare, she is angry with my DW for leaving her BD many years ago and she takes it out on me. I've felt like nothing but a nanny and an ATM the whole time as my DW focuses 120% on the kids and even when they are away for the weekend my DW constantly worries and obsesses over them and whether or not they are having "enough fun." I. am. not. even. joking. I am in counseling and even went to see a lawyer in order to protect my rights. Thankfully I'm in a good position legally but I still feel very guilty and I think I just need a little more encouragement. Even if my SD was perfectly happy (my SS, age 6 is pretty cool and I'm close with him, which is why I've stayed this long) I know on some level that this marriage cannot sustain itself as is. We also see a counselor together but I'm not hopeful that things will change.

My DW quit working after we got married and I ended up paying for everything, including her debt and school loan payments. She is perfectly capable of working but doesn't want to get a job working in a restaurant (even though that was her job when we met and she has over years of experience in fine dining) because she's finishing up her BA. Meanwhile I have two jobs and I'm still paying for everything. My DW also wants to use my money to go to some enlightenment retreat in another country which costs $12,000 plus airfare, which I'm dead set against. I believe it's a total cult and that their leader is a conman so that adds a tremendous amount of stress to my already stressful life. I know this sounds crazy and I know that if the counseling doesn't work I'll need to leave but I'm terrified and I don't want to be a failure.

Any further words of encouragement are greatly appreciated and thank you so much for your post!

sportslover's picture

Wow, really terrible. I hope you can get out and save yourself!!

12,000?? LOLOLOL

You shouldn't be terrified to leave, you should be terrified if you stay.

Lost17's picture

I know it sounds crazy and definitely laughable. I'm concerned for DW's mental health and trust me, none of this is funny.

Rags's picture

Failure? The only way you will be a failure is to tolerate being forced to continue being this toxic manipulators sugar bitch. Take care of you. Cut her loose to pursue her enlightenment and her BA on her own dime and find an actual equity life partner.

I am on my second marriage and have zero regrets or feelings of being a loser over the demise of my first marriage to my cavern crotched adulterous skank whore of an XW. Her asking for a divorce was arguably the biggest win of my life. It freed me to move on and meet the greatest blessing in my life. The incredible woman I have been married to for 23 years and counting.

Don't you dare badger yourself over your toxic bride's bullshit.

Take care of you .... move on.

disrestep's picture

Veryconfused, I am sure you know you made the right decision to ending your relationship with someone, who it seems, did not value and respect your needs, your space and disrespected your dog. Not letting my dog sleep in his bed, on my bed or frankly wherever my dog wants to sleep would of been an instant deal breaker for me. Good for you for making the best decision for you and your dog. It is not easy when you are in love. Pets are family and should be treated as such and not terrorized by anyone, including unruly steps and step broods. I have never and will never let the stepbrood from hell anywhere near our pets.

I once left a relationship I knew in my gut would not work because it wasn't what I truly wanted. Best decision ever!

You go girl. Don't ever look back!

Stepped in what momma's picture

Never love a man that is scared a dog might get in between ya, lol. Smile

ppeac078's picture

Man, between you and Lost17, I feel this board is speaking to me tonight.

I am on the last legs of trying to save my 13 year relationship (8 yr marriage) to a man who has never put me on the same level as an equal, who has always had problems considering my needs. He has always tried to be a friend to his 17 year old daughter, and it comes at putting me last.

Your talks about guilting you if his kids didn't go on trips? Been there, multiple times.

His DD moved in 6 months ago. I really caved in allowing this (I knew it was a relationship killer), and I gave him a list of house rules that he said would be followed. None of it has happened, and I feel like a maid, a way of making the mortgage payments. Meanwhile, the princess gets what she wants, no question, and treats our house like her garbage can. He's fine with it. She walks all over him. She hasn't paid one bit of her cell phone bill for the past 6 months, despite having a job that pulls in about $400 biweekly. She can however afford cigarettes.

I like to talk and say the right things, but I am not standing up for myself, confirming that I matter. I am getting walked on. My relationship is imploding because he revolves around her, and expects me to do the same without question.

I have been hanging on in the hopes that the SD will turn 18 and leave, but in my heart, I don't think anything will change.

I am throwing in a last ditch effort in going to counselling. I fear he won't even remember to show up tomorrow, or that it will be what is wrong with me.

I'm a smart independent woman. I have a graduate degree and work in a professional job. Why am I giving up so much of myself to make this work? Probably because of cognitive dissonance - I really believe in marriage.

For now, I am still holding on, hoping that somehow things will magically change, but I still lust for the freedom, the new soft towels that no one will leave wet on their bedroom floors, the trips on my own, the quiet times with my dog. I'm bookmarking this page, so I can continue to build strength to convince myself that my life is worth more than this. If I stay, I am worried I am slowly killing my inside character. Everyone says once you've had enough, you'll know it. I doubt myself in this regard. I think I'm pretty much there, but I keep holding on. My concern is, what if my stubbornness to want to make my marriage work is clouding my judgment?

Sorry, all this to say, thank you so much veryconfused for posting this. It speaks to me, as another strong woman in a tough situation. You are a beacon, a voice of reason. Smile

Lost17's picture

PPeac078, for the longest time I was afraid to talk about this, afraid of what my friends/family would think, afraid of being seen as a "quitter" in a marriage, afraid of being seen as "giving up" and "taking the easy way out," and afraid that I was just having "grass is always greener" syndrome. But you know what? We only have one life to live and everyone deserves to find their happiness. I began opening up to my close friends and guess what--I'm not crazy! They understand what I am going through and especially with the cult thing (ick) they don't blame me for leaving after I've tried to intervene and came up empty and desolate.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking over the weekend and while I believe on one hand that we do have a duty to try and seek to resolve these issues and make it work, that only goes so far. When the counseling doesn't work, when we're still left feeling steamrolled and empty and there's nothing left to give, it's time to seek change.

There is a common denominator in all of our tales -- we are supposed to just play the loving spouses but have no thoughts and feelings of our own and if we do, then our skids' still take priority. We will ALWAYS come second and if it gets to the point where you're feeling like your spouse should have just married his/her own damn kids, then at least for me, it's time to seek the help we need to leave.

Believe me, I doubt myself too, but I know that I've been making myself physically sick over staying in an unhealthy and toxic relationship: back pain, nerve pain, high blood pressure--I was healthy before I got involved with DW. I ran all the time, felt good, took care of myself, and now I feel physically exhausted 24/7. I do believe that we can manifest physical symptoms of emotional pain and in the long run is it really worth it?

Glad you're in counseling. Bring everything to the table because at this point, you've got nothing to lose.

DreamingBig's picture

Hi there,
I'm sorry to say it but I think once a partner has what they want, in this case, you AND her, in the way that they want, in this case, her having more rights in your home than you do, they tend to stop listening.
He sees nothing wrong with the status quo. For him anything you say to his daughter is you interfering with his parenting. For you, it's about your right to have your home the way you want it and having the power and authority to let her know when what she is doing will not work for you.
It's a tough situation because no one wants to live in a state of constant tension caused by conflict.
I don't know what the rules were that you both agreed to but if they were written down, then you need to pull them out. If they weren't written down then write them down. Sit him down and tell him that he agreed to these rules before she moved in and that if he doesn't enforce them you will and if she doesn't want to live by these rules in your home then she needs to leave.
You don't actually need his permission to discipline her on these things in the sense of telling her to pick up the towels or whatever it is. It IS your home too. His right to parent and your right to your domain are equal. The lines can be blurry obviously but...

baby that is YOUR house not HERS!

If he disagrees and argues with you in front of her then you can tell him he needs to leave and take her with him because you will not be disrespected in your home by him or by her.
Time to stand up!

I have a BS30 and 3 SD's. My son lives in the US and I live with them in NZ. I am on a three month extended vacation out of the country in the UK and US taking some space. When I get back we are not living together until he realizes that once he brought an adult woman into the picture, he lost the right to have everything in our home revolve around his children. He has agreed that when I get back, before I move back in with him and some of them, that he will make it clear to them that we each have equal authority in that house and that I am the woman of the house. And that's that! And we'll be practicing that in action BEFORE I agree to live there again.

IslandGal's picture

Love this post!! Just wanted to pop in and say its been nearly 2 months since I asked ex SO to leave (he ran back to mommy), and I've never been happier. I feel like I can dance, hop, skip and jump for joy. Yes it hurt like hell..but I've been wanting to run for a year now and when we broke up..the main thing I felt was relief. Soooo relieved.

I love having my freedom back. I love knowing I can go wherever and do whatever I want without worrying about ex SO..just love it. I love knowing my Sons are grown and independent. I love that I will never, ever have to worry about seeing manipulative, psycho, feral SD16 anymore. Never have to deal with any toxic tadpoles she delivers in the future. Never have to see ex SO turn into some love struck adoring disney daddy fawning over her frogs. Never have to worry about over bearing, manipulative, wishes she had balls bitch of an ex BM. Life is good!!

Im learning to love myself more and oh boy!! I think im pretty damn special! Took me too damn long to see that..lol!!

ppeac078's picture

Thank you for the comments I received on this post. My DH showed up for the first counselling meeting, where he dumped on me and just spewed hate. The counsellor did target some of his bad behavior, but it was just an intake meeting really, so we didn't get in depth. She gave us "homework" to read a book (the 5 love languages, interesting), and we booked an appointment for the 18th of this month.

In the interim, he has continued to do what he does best. Make minor little effort, band aid solutions, thinking I would jump. I didn't, so then I became the person to blame. I was the one who was not trying, the one with all the problems, not the fact that he doesn't treat me as an equal or give me respect (nor does his bratty entitled 17DD).

On Monday, he yelled at me for being a bitch, for not changing. Then told me to shut up, that he didn't want to hear his perspective. Then got mad at me when I said "I thought you didn't want to talk to me" when he tried to show how much better than me he was. That night, he moved into the guest room, and has stayed there since. He took his ring off (something he knew irritated me and that he once agreed was passive-aggressive and completely unfair and disrespectful behavior), and pretty much hasn't talked to me since. He's in and out, not a word, leaving me in the house with his "princess" alone. Joy.

We have the counselling meeting Monday, but I once again don't know if he'll show up. If he does, I guarantee he will dump on me, play the victim. And luckily, I think with his behaviors, I am at the point where I just don't care. At a certain point, actions can't be forgiven. I will never be able to see past how cruel he has been in the past three weeks. I do deserve better, and while it is scary to be alone for the first time in my adult life, at the same time it is exciting to plan my future. It is however sad to know that we might come full circle to separation the day before our wedding anniversary... Sad

I'll update next week.

Anyone have suggestions on how to gently force your spouse to move out of a joint property? I know the law, but I wonder if there is a way to make them see that living together until shit is resolved will be toxic to everyone.

Indigo's picture

I suggest that you start your own blog. Found on the left side of your screen up top: My blog. This way your story, your concerns will surface on the main page and help me keep your story & issues separate from another poster. {{Hugs}}

Lost17's picture

CryGhost, your DH will never change his tune, I'm afraid. You will always come 2nd. Unless the two of you can go to counseling and your DH is willing to compromise, then you will live your current existence forever, or until you can't take anymore. In all of this, it's the children who hurt the most. At the end of the day, whatever is happening is not their fault. It's your DH's fault for not attending to your needs and striking a reasonable balance. If he can't meet your needs or at least meet you halfway, then he's better off as a single dad. Otherwise, no can be happy. Good luck and let us know how it goes.