I need help! I am at a crossroad.
I've been reading forums on this site for about the past 8 months, joined today, and really need help. Dating a man with 2 young kids (8 & 9), I do not have kids by choice - never wanted any. We've been dating 2 years, have lived together the last year. I just bought a house. He couldn't help with the mortgage because he is still on his ex's mortgage (and I recently found out he's also on a separate equity loan). He doesn't even know if the loans are current, the payment amounts, balances, or if the house is in forclosure. I've been asking him to find these things out. I hope I am not all over the place writing this... this situation has been making me literally sick the past few months. I haven't been eating, and started taking xanex at night so I can sleep, otherwise I am up all night thinking.
So, we have the kids 50/50 - of course including some weekdays and Thurs-Saturday (so much for date night). He doesn't pay child support per divorce agreement, but also just found out that he has been giving her almost $1k a month toward kids' health insurance - guess it was none of my business. I pay all the bills and give him a total at the end of the month of what he owes me, and he always pays it. He's just not responsible enough to me to leave it all up to him, and everything is in my name so I need to make sure I handle things.
About me: I've been in school almost as long as he's had his kids, 7 years - and am finishing grad school and in my residency now. I also have a business that I run, as well as have a few more classes - my life is crazy busy. He doesn't expect me to help out really with the kids for anything like rides, but he does get annoyed when I want to do my own thing on a Saturday morning if I'm not working...like I really want to sit in front of the TV watching stupid cartoons or whatever they watch.
The kids are very good kids. I know they are kids and kids act nuts. These kids are hyper and wild. I do not enjoy spending time with them. They do not know boundaries. They have full range of the house, even the bedroom - which to me should be off limits and if he isn't around and they go in my bedroom - I tell them nicely to scoot out. The younger one wakes up at 6am on a Saturday and used to climb into our bed and wiggle around, laugh... I just really needed to sleep. BF would let him do this even if I had been up til 2am writing papers. I asked him not to let him do this... but he said that soon the boy will grow up and not cuddle like this anymore....neither kid knocks on the door either... they just walk in. So, I started sleeping naked every night, which of course BF loved... but quickly started jumping out of bed when the boy would watlz in at 6am. That problem solved.
However, BF doesn't give kids chores and there are no house rules. I've begged for us to have a talk together over house rules before moving in new home. I said I do not want running in the house... BF wanted to put gym mats in the living room! WTF? I bought a house on over an acre, and there's a swing set... They can go outside to play wild. BF waits on them... he'll get them a yogurt out of the fridge, he'll get them cereal, he picks up their trash (because I will get mad if he doesn't). I once made a star chart. A star for every chore THEY decide to do, and 20 stars and they get to pick something fun to do.. movies, roller skate, etc... BF never backed me up on that. BF doesn't agree that we should make chores or rules. BF is a plan it in the moment guy. Well, I do not believe or have faith that life can be successful that way. I believe there needs to be a gameplan. I need peace. I need quiet. I've committed 7 years to getting my degree. If I let them all move in, then I do not get my own office because they each need their own room since a boy and a girl.
I do not have the problem of the BM. She's great in her own regard (although won't work, can't pay mortgage so she is now taking BF to court for CS), but BM and me have always been polite and kind to one another. But I hate hearing about her all day long from the kids - I tolerate it because I want them to love their mom. I know it's just me being jealous of constantly being reminded about her existence.
However, I'm thinking now...and after reading things on here... what does this guy bring to the table? I totally do love him, but I do not believe that love is enough. I know the stats that almost 70% of 2nd marriages with kids ends in divorce that involve kids. I do not enjoy the kids. If something happened to BM (lost the house) and we had kids 100% - I could not cope.
Not pumping myself up, but BF gets an educated, financially secure, fit, kind, tolerant woman with a career....and I have to tolerate kids invading my space half my life? I tried to tell him that every decision he makes affects my life. I told him that it makes me sad that my life path has to be the one to make a complete 180. No more travel for me. I paid for everything in this new house. I gutted it, redid the floors... this cost A LOT of money, new furniture because the kids totally wrecked my other couch set by their monkey flips.
I can't let them move in, can I? I really do need an office for my work. There's no way I can get through another year with the kids flying through the house like spider monkies the way he prompts them to do. They also will interrupt me when I am talking to BF. I used to ask him to correct them, but now I just stop talking and walk away when he lets them interrupt and starts talking to them. He has just recently started to correct them on this. He says that he will apply rules at the new house - after I told him I don't think I can do this. Well - let me see these rules first!
I asked him if I can live alone for a year and let me get used to the kids more first. He said that if we do not live together, then we are splitting up. That's 'effed up. Seriously? Shouldn't I be a red flag to him? Shouldn't he be worried that his GF isn't comfortable with his kids so maybe he shouldn't be moving in? It's like I think I know I can't let him/them move in, but I really need to hear this. I have never loved someone like this man, and I see him try... but I just can envision what's to come. I can envision resentment. Resentment because I am going nuts trying to find some space, and him getting mad because I'm disengaging. Is love enough? When we don't have the kids, our life is BLISS. Bliss like I have never known before.
PLEASE be brutally honest with me and set me straight. I extended the rental house one more month, partially because he hasn't packed one thing and it's in my name (of course) and I need to clean it so I can get MY security deposit back. I already moved all my things into the new house. I did not move anything of his or his kids, and he was really offended at me for that. I even paid half the rent there, even though I do not need that house now.
Last week I told him that they can't move in. For a moment I felt like a burden was lifted, but then I cried my eyes out over thinking that he will be out of my life. And then I caved by the afternoon and said FINE again.
I'll be sacrificing at least a decade of my life before I could live my life without kids again... why can't he give up 1 year so I can feel confident in this? I am so sorry this is so long. I think about this every minute of every day - for the past 8 or 9 months.