I feel so alone among 5 skids
I have no children of my own, but 5 skids (ss5, sd6, ss7, ss9, ss10). Honestly I feel ashamed of the fact, like they are all from the same BM and I feel so outnumbered and very uncomfortable at times. I never share these feelings with my SO because I know its all hard on him too. We are going on 4 years now as a couple, currently all the skids have been with us since November (3 months). I believe they will stay for the next school year or two, who knows because the BM calls all the shots. My SO just tries for whatever time he can get with his kids. This is my first post on the forum, I just really needed a space where I could just share openly how hard this is. Literally being housefull with little love and comfort... I wish so bad sometimes they were all just mine. I never thought I'd ever think about having so many kids... and now I try so hard to not think about kids because who needs more than 5? I get so sad at times because I feel like ill always be childless myself. SO will put the kids to bed and I can just hear all the giggles and I love yous and I feel so empty inside. The younger ones love me at times but they are young and blood is thicker than water any day. I feel like its all fake. I'm only 26 years old. Am I just wasting my time? Why waste my time when I could possibly be so much happier. I love my SO and I adore the skids, but I know my place in this family isn't real. We have not blended well or at all yet. I just need someone to talk to for support. I have none.
That's a lot!
Five full-time SKs for a 26 year old person who has never had children is an overwhelming load! I was 27 and the mother of 2 when I inherited 3 part-time SKs and I just barely hung on by my fingernails. If you are having second thoughts, really think it through, I dont know if I'd do it again.
Have you talked to your SO about how overwhelmed you feel? I ended up going to counseling and the big upshot was the importance of his and my alone time every day. It was hard to reclaim that time with 5 kids clamoring for attention, I'm sure you can relate.
I really feel for you. I'm guessing many StepTalkers will advise you to run. You know it wont get easier, right? Thinking of you, Good luck.
It is a lot...
I guess I do have second thoughts at times regarding continuing the relationship, its just so much time I have invested now and a lot of responsibility I have taken on. My SO and I own our own business together and we are moving into a house together (renting still, we have been living together for three years now. Its just a house this time so it seems more of a big deal). So being buisness owners, moving, having all the kids while they do distance learning online... it is hella overwhelming. But we manage, we work well together. The kids were pretty misbehaved, their BM hates me and would tell them to hit me and not listen to me in the beginning. But we have been working on them, teaching them to be respectful and to clean up more.
I have and I haven't really talked to him about how I feel. He'll mention it at times cause he knows I do a lot. I think I really need to talk to him though, cause he doesn't know how depressed I am or uncomfortable. I wonder if he even notices or considers that I may not be as happy and comfortable as he is. Did you go to counseling alone or with your Husband?
Thank you, nearly everyone told me to run away haha. I appreciate your honesty, it's a lot to consider and it most definitely doesn't get easier.
Counseling
I wanted DH to go but he refused. As a last ditch effort, I went alone. Best money I ever spent.
BPs and SKs are two
BPs and SKs are two completely different relationships. If you want kids of your own don't deny yourself that experience to raise someone else's kids.
Yes, you're wasting your time
Yes, you're wasting your time. Your SO doesn't have a court order, or he doesn't have the backbone to stand up to BM and enforce the visitation schedule he has. His inability to provide stability is problematic, and it shouldn't take his 26 year old GF to point that out (I assume he's older than you by a few years).
Additionally, if you want kids of your own, then you need to put yourself in a relationship where that can happen. If your SO thinks 5 is plenty and he's not interested in more, then this isn't the relationship for you.
Also, FIVE STEPKIDS?! With a high-conflict BM?! Nope, nope, nope. I have 2 SKs with a HCBM, and that's more than enough. I can imagine 13+ years of dealing with this, even in the best of circumstances.
This relationship isn't good for you. You're young, and your needs aren't being met. Get out there and find what you actually want. There is absolutely nothing tying you to this.
Gah, get out now! At 26, you
Gah, get out now! At 26, you can easily find a child-free man and start your own family. Don't chain yourself to this brood. You are sad now, but you are going to be depressed soon.
Your BF will have them for the next few YEARS because BM wants that? Let me guess, he pays her child support anyway while he keeps the kids.
Yes. You are wasting your
Yes. You are wasting your time. 26, no kids, tying yourself to 5 young kids, HCBM, and a man with no backbone? He has a lot of nerve to even be dating with 5 young kids.
That just goes to show that people will try to put you in situations and get you to accept things that are ridiculous, and it's up to you to know your worth and set boundaries. So many women (and some men) think that just because someone says they love us, they would never put us in a situation that is harmful to us.
"He says he loves me, so he would never want me to live in a situation that slowly eats away at my soul until i'm dead inside." Wrong. They do it all the time. Run.
How does he even have time to
How does he even have time to date with 5 kids? I'd personally have run like the wind after the first date if I were the OP. Can't imagine what's so wonderful about a man that I'd put up with 5 stepkids under 11.
You're only 26. You should
You're only 26. You should be dating 5 childless men right now, not being tied to 5 skids. Get a plan for your future, and enjoy your youth and being carefree. I daresay most of us here would do things A LOT differently if we could be 26 again and knew then what we know now.
Just Fricking NO!
I am childless and was older than you and my marriage did not last with just one skid. He promised me a kid and then he changed his mind after marriage. Now I will never have my own. Do not be me, PLEASE!
5 skids at your age? At any age just NO! You are young and childless. You eventually want children, he wont. That I cannot blame him so many kids!
House and business is NO reason to stay with someone. Right now you feel you are in too deep. You arent LEAVE before more wasted time is invested in this shit show.
Find a childess man, or two, date and have fun. Find someone who someday wants to START a family, not someone who has started 5 times over.
Wait until they are all 5 are teenagers. You will really feel the "love" from skids that are not your own. You will have wasted and exhausted your youth on some other broads kids.
Oh My God. I was basically in
Oh My God. I was basically in the same situation as you only my ex had 6 children. There was a nine year age gap between the oldest and youngest and two mothers. It was an absolute nightmare. Please leave. I am typically the type of person to never give up on anyone. I fight to the death for the people that I love but, honestly some situations are just unfixable. This is one of those situations. The reasons are the following:
-There are 5 children very close in age. (difficult when you the actual parent nevermind when you aren't)
- You don't seem to be married (4 years is a long time to be dating) You're taking care of these children and what's in it for you?
- What kind of person impregnates his wife 5 times year after year and then they don't stay together? They can practically make a baseball team together but can't work their problems out?
- There's no custody order
- The relationship is too unequal. Your boyfriend has 5 other lives to think about and be responsible for and you don't even have children. The power dynamic is way off. It's doubtful he will want more children. He had 5 really close together and is probably happy they're all starting to become more independent.
I know it's hard to start over. I spent a long time with my ex boyfriend. I felt on the outside as you did, They were this big clan that I just could not relate to whatsoever. Their personalities were similar and it was weird being the only one not related to any of these people. It's tough to see now because you're in it but, it's really not worth it. You'd be so much happier with a man that didn't have children. It's also easy to find at your age... you're so young.
Fight for love
I am the same way, I just believed in love so much. I feel so dumb man. Love just isn't enough. Not when it does seem like I get nothing, just the short end of the stick. I was asking for marriage for so long... he says he's happy just the way we are now. He's in no rush for marriage. He's no good for me. My heart just hurts now.
Oh gosh. He's wasting your
Oh gosh. He's wasting your time. You're good enough to run a business with and help raise children but, not MARRY?! OH OKAY BOYFRIEND...sorry I guess I'll need to withdraw my many benefits that I offer since you're clearly not ready for marriage
He just doesn't see it that way.
He told me I shouldn't let what other people say influence how I feel about our relationship or to compare where others are at to where we are. If that makes sense. We talked a few nights ago and he heard me out and we got to a point where all he could say was, "I'm sorry," that he got me all involved with him and what not. He told me how he has been trying not to burden me with the kids, he takes most of the responsibility. So for now I'm still here but I have been withdrawing more. Hoping I can get him to talk again soon, just been busy.
I called my mom and told her how I feel so alone and she again told me to just come home and forget about everything. I don't know why I am staying. Just for now though, it seems easier. You all make it sound so obvious that it's a bad deal but I guess it's just because this was my first serious relationship so I'm having a hard time letting go.
Ugh. My ex boyfriend said all
Ugh. My ex boyfriend said all the same things to me. The truth is that it's not okay to build a life with you without actually legally protecting you. ESPECIALLY knowing you want to get married. Why was it okay to accept all of your help? He's treating you as a wife in all the hard ways but, not in the ways that actually benefit YOU and make your life better. That's straight up using someone.
Eventually, My ex took the responsibility for his children too. I was so resentful by that point though, Mostly because I saw him for who he was. He only took on all the responsibility because I would no longer contribute as much as I did.
I understand. You're staying because you're most likely extremely attached to him and the whole family. He has you acting as a mother to those children. That adds an extra layer. I understand exactly how you feel. I had a lot more people than my mother telling me to leave. I kept giving chance after chance because it was the first man I was ever in love with. You can private message me anytime honestly. I'd be happy to listen or give you any advice/tips that helped me.
Mom and we are saying the same thing
Inspiress, my heart goes out to you. You say its your first serious relationship. Yes, the first of several in your life. Don't look at it as a waste of your time, love and effort. Everything in life teaches us something. It is just not working out for you. Mom and we are saying the same thing.
You could always ascribe to
You could always ascribe to the philosphy that YOU have no children. If you want children, have them.
I would suggest that you find a partenr who is prior relationship kid free.
You are too young to give up your own life.
Take care of you.
Childless
I never had the urge to have children. I used to tell him how I didn't want kids, thinking that because he does I can have both worlds or whatever. Maybe that's why he liked me and now it's a problem, because I am thinking about having kids now.
I sat on the fence regarding
I sat on the fence regarding wanting children for a while. I could always see myself with one but, then I would feel guilty about not wanting to give them siblings. I thought dating a man who already had many children would give my future child siblings without me actually having to do the work. It didn't seem to pan out the way my imagination made it out to look. It's too coomplicated of a situation unfortunately and comes with more negatives than positives.
I love kids, I just have
I love kids, I just have never had any urge to have any of my own.
My DW took a number of years to work through her issues over being a 16 & Pregnant single teen mom. I nade countless trips to the pharmacy for EPTs during the first 10+ years we were married. She was on BC and still had an anxiety attack each time she started the blue pills in the pack and had not started by noon on Saturday. She nearly died from severe Toxemia/Pre-eclampsia. Her OBGYN advised her to never get pregnant again. For the first 20 years of our marriage her OBGYNs continued with that advice. It was not until we had
As a T-1 diabetic I was not interested in passing on my auto immune disease to my children. Mainly I was not willing to risk my wife's life or health for a BioKid. She made me a dad when she agreed to marry me. We met when our son was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He wasked me to adopt him when he was 22yo.
I have no regrets and have never once had any drive or desire to have a BK.
That said, from the beginning of our relationship we made us the priority. Each other out priority. The marriage our priority. We made raising our son our top marital respnsibility and are proud of the man that he is.
Nope, I have no regrets in having been blessed by my incredible bride and being my son's father. No regrets at all. As far as I know, neither do they.
Enjoy your life. If this man is not making you and your marriage his priority. He is not worthy of you. If you want children, have children. Just not with him. Find a man who will put you and your relationship first and who will be a quality partner and father. You can have a marriage and children.
Value yourself... and up your standards.
Good luck.
JEEEEEESUS. Don't do it. Why
JEEEEEESUS. Don't do it. Why at 26 do you need to get with a man that has all those kids and at a young selection too.
Don't bloody do it, cut your losses now and move on somewhere less complicated. That is a hell of a lot to take on and they've not even hit their teens yet. I hope you're bloke is rich to because think of the financial implication of all these kids.
I cannot emphasise enough not to do it. I am begging you now too. There are a million other relationships out there for you to have.
Where will you be a year from
Where will you be a year from now? At 30? Still waiting to get married? Still taking care of brats only now older and more advanced in bothering you? Wishing you had left now instead of staying? The best part of your situation is that you have the freedom to change it. Find your courage and love yourself more.