Welcome to the site!  Your not yet 8 yr old SS is very young to be exhibiting signs of depression.  I had childhood depression myself, but I was a bit older than this - about 11 or 12.   Do you live with your boyfriend?  If not, I'd advise you to retain your own place for a good while yet, as you may feel, down the line, that this situation is too much to cope with. You're still young and could find a man without an extremely problematic child and BM in the picture.  

You're doing the right thing in keeping the child off his iPAD as much as possible.  Kids often say things that they know will get a reaction from adults, he may not actually mean those things he says - but he has obviously learned the power of words from his dysfunctional mother.  He might just be trying to get more of his Dad's attention - so if I were his father I'd make sure I gave him enough attention - it doesn't sound like he gets much from his BM.  

Please, please - do yourself a favor and slow this down.  There are so many red flags here:

1. Your SS is already showing signs of mental illness, is probably enmeshed with his mentally unstable mother, and is likely to get worse as he ages.

2. This type of BM often goes batshit crazy when the ex they have been trying to hook with the Child-Pawn moves in with or marries another woman. If he thinks she wreaked havoc on his life before, he has not seen anything yet. This will include using his son as a weapon, withholding him and possibly alienating him entirely.

3. Your SO is a weak parent.  He won't do what the child needs (therapy) because he thinks it makes him look bad - well, it makes him look bad NOT to do it.  And he won't set the limits on his child that are needed without your help because he's afraid of losing his son.

I saw red flags with my SS when I first met him at age 10.  DH refused to let him play his handheld video games at his house while BM used them as a bribe and reward for lying to the court about DH. She actually told him at age 11 that if he told the court he wanted to live with her, he could do whatever he wanted all the time.  They both kept their end of that bargain. Eventually, my SS was totally alienated, and at 19, he barely speaks to his father.  DH was a strong parent and set limits, but BM has still not let go of her anger almost 10 years after he left her and is still dragging him into court for more money.

I love DH and I stayed with him because he was able to put me first and let go of the unwinnable fight for his son.  But it's been a hard 9 years and 1/10, would not recommend.

I wonder if there's a way to sway your BF's opinion about therapy? To make him see that putting a child who desperatly needs it is winning as a parent, and not failing? Even if you flip the script a bit and talk about how dealing with the f-ed up BM has made the kid need therapy.... 

My heeart hurts for that poor kid, I can't imagine how hard it is to be treated that way. If you stick around hopefully you can help give the kiddo what he needs as far as love and attention goes - but, that's also not your job so I'd think long and hard before commiting. Have you dated someone with kids before? I hadn't, and the reality of being a step mom is absolutley a shock to me. I still love my husband and I'm glad I married him, but holy crap if had no idea eactly what being a step parent would be like.

Unfortunately finding Mr/Ms wonderful perfect soul mate who also happens to be a crappy parent isn't rare in blended family situations. For some reason Sparents fail to recognize through the haze of the tingly romantically charged fog of new love that Mr/Ms wonderful Soulmate are just crappy parents.  That is the first mistake.  The second is that far too many love struck SParents think that love will conquer all and "I can fix him/her/it".    If our SOs will not grow some parental balls and some some keep the X under control balls then the odds of success are slim to none at best and disasterous at worst.

That  you recoginze the issues is a good thing.  However, I am concerned that your deep love for this guy is clouding your recognition that this guy sucks as a parent and has given up on keeping his toxic XW under control because he has reached a point where she is causing less havoc in his life.  Toxic Xs and crappily parented kids never go away and will always inferfere in your life unless you and your SO are absolutely clear that they need to be continually managed and held to standards of reasonable behavior with zero tolerance for anything less.

If that doesn't happen, your life is likely to be a living hell and the haze of the tingly romantically charged fog is going to burn off in a hurry and leave a seemingly endless horizon of hell to look forward to.

Not to rain on your love parade but it is important that anyone entering a potentially long term relationship with a prior relationship breeder does not let the fog of love cloud the view of how hard it is to successfully navigate a blended family marriage.

Don't get me wrong. It can be wonderful to build a life with a prior relationship breeder soul mate.  But is is never easy and it takes absolute team work between the spouses to make it happen.  They have to be equity life partners, equity parents to any spawn in their home recardless of spawn biology (yours/mine/ours) and there has to be a zero tolerance aliance of any crap from the blended family opposition whoever may be in that group.  If they are reasonable then they are dealt with reasonably. If they are toxic... they are destroyed.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

Welcome to Step Talk!! Yes this is a great forum to ask questions to people in very similar situations. You aren't alone!

I have an MA in Counseling Education and although I'm not a therapist, I have learned about depression in some classes. From what I know, he is very young to be thinking this way. He's definitely been exposed to this by another source, I'm assuming by BM, so now it's a window of awareness that he has no understanding of and very much needs coaching to deal with. I would tell your SO "look, darling, I love you and little Z and would like to build a future together. It would mean a lot if you would consider my parenting opinion with this, which is he must go to therapy. Not because you're failing as a dad, but because your son is disturbed and shouldn't be left alone to figure it out." If all else fails blame BM for the need for therapy. 

As others have said it's really good you limit his iPad use. The biggest connection with the major increase in depression in these new generations is the change in our environment (internet). I would work with your SO on coming up with activities together that build his self esteem and purpose, which are opposites of depression. Cook together, build something together, do puzzles, go for walks in nature. I would also provide him with the tools to create for him to do in his spare time instead of the iPad, which gives that feeling of having purpose, such as drawing, painting, molding, building models, etc. I would also insist he be put in some kind of sport. The kid can choose if he likes, but he must pick something. Sports do so much good to kids that last their lives, such as making solid, life-long friends, learning to work as a team, and gaining that feeling of purpose. 

The biggest thing is to not give in to his demands on having access to the iPad. I think some designated restricted time is ok, maybe an hour after dinner or something. But if he says he wants to go to mommy's because he can't have the ipad... I'm not sure why this is being listened to. He should be told "that's nice. Well we don't make the rules there but these are our rules so too bad!" 

I do hope he feels better soon, the poor guy. It must be awful having those thoughts and not yet making sense of the world.

plenty of fresh air outdoor activities. (he needs to work up a sweat), social interaction with kids his age, plenty of sleep, nutritious meals, responsibility and chores.  If biodad is not on board with this, RUN, quite literally, for your life!