You are here

I’m not sure if I’m wrong...

Missbx's picture

Hi guys, first post I'm new here Smile long time lurker! 

so me and my partner have been together 1.5 years he has a D5 I have no kids. My parter is Turkish first language is English but he speaks Turkish here and there. Quite a few times when speaking Turkish I've asked what hes said and he refuses to tell me, once when he was telling his daughter some Turkish words I asked him why he wouldn't tell me but it didn't go any further then tonight on the phone he did it again (he doesn't say normal Turkish words to me in general only swears at me) but again I said to him why won't he teach me any to which he replies I'm jealous of his daughter and I don't need to know Turkish because I'm not Turkish and if we had kids hed do the same with them but not me because I'm English. 

Am I jealous or in the wrong? It does make me feel a bit fed up that he said this but I'm only taking an interest and if we had kids I'd like to at least know what they're all saying I feel he's been rude and just pushed me out. 

Thankyou :) 

Rags's picture

Babbel & DuoLingo.  Free apps that will help you learn in a hurry.  Also, Google Translate.  Download the app and open it when DH is speaking Turkish. The app can translate from voice, typing a word, or from the camera image.  Don't play games with this idiot.  Bare his ass by being smarter than he is.

Better yet, move on. That way you never have to be exposed to his toxic abusive crap ever again.

Missbx's picture

Thankyou for the reply rags Smile it's just the fact that he will openly use it with his daughter but not me and call me jealous? I literally asked why as it's not the first time I've brought it up and that was the reply he come back with, at least I know I'm not being out of order  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It sounds like he is using Turkish to try and make you jealous. The fact that he does it in front of you, refuses to tell you what he's saying, and says "you're not Turkish, you don't need to know."

I've been in that situation and i also felt left out. In my case, i don't think it was deliberate but it was still, IMO, thoughtless and rude. So, best case your BF is careless and thoughtless of your feelings. Worst case he is deliberately trying to hurt you.

It's one thing if he is, say, talking to his elderly mother who only speaks Turkish. This bullsh!t is something else, though.

When you have good intentions, want everyone to get along, respectfully tell your partner your feelings, and nothing changes...when you start questioning if you are wrong to feel the way you do...those are signs you are dealing with a manipulative jerk. 

Missbx's picture

Thankyou for your reply Smile

I agree with everything you've said I've asked numerous times what he's said in Turkish (only twice mentioned his daughter) she doesn't even know any Turkish she's only 5 so i think it's possible he's doing it deliberately. I'm not asking he sits down and teaches me his full language not even close but for him to say I'm English she's half Turkish so he will do that I think is pretty spiteful towards me. 

He never really speaks much Turkish only the odd word here and there his parents always speak English too but I only asked because I said he always refuses to say it to me. 

like hell will I be the one pushed out as he said he'd do it to our kids too. 

im going to show him this thread in the morning and see what he has to say :) 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Wow, even his parents are being more considerate than he is. It is alarming that his daughter is only 5 and his actions are setting the stage for there to be competition between you and her. In the future he might say he thinks you just hate his child and he is caught in the middle. That is a recipe for drama and misery. 

Missbx's picture

Yes his parents always speak to me in English his mom was born here and his dad cam over when he was 18 so a loooooong time ago! He already says I don't like her etc etc the usual in some of the threads but that's not true, I don't like the way he is around me when she's around I've had to put it to him I'm not a nanny. He wanted me to come off contraception I had my appointment for next month but no way on earth is that coming out now, we have way too many differences and I can see us not working out as I won't let him create a mini wife 

Edit- I didn't mean I won't let him create a mini wife, he is free to do that if he pleases but not one that has to be around me Smile

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If he really wants you to like his daughter, he won't do things to undermine your relationship with her. He sounds really toxic. 

Missbx's picture

I do like her that's the thing and she likes me, he's the one pushing and ruining things when there's no need whatsoever, I don't know maybe it's just not mean to be 

OKtoStep's picture

He needs to not be your bf anymore. That's absolutely abusive, mean girl bullying. He's excluding you on purpose and creating an us vs. her dynamic. 

I lived this with my stb ex and he thought it was hilariously funny to communicate with me and about me in a language I didn't understand. I'm 100% sure the "love letter" I had displayed above my home desk was a vulgar erotic poem. I asked someone to translate for me. He turned bright red and told me to ask my husband.

What your bf is doing is demeaning and dehumanizing.

Edit: why do you need to show him this thread? Do you need his approval to be upset that he's doing this? He's not going to change what he's doing just because of some people on the internet. 

Missbx's picture

Thankyou for your input Smile

see that's exactly what I feel he's doing! He does this in a number of ways anyway he always accuses me of being jealous for different reasons and I'm honestly not at all I get annoyed with certain things he does, as I say to him he lights his own fire and cries when it burns he calls me crazy and manipulative. 

im sorry your stb ex did that it must have been very embarrassing you have my sympathy Sad it's not nice at all and as rags suggested I shall get the app as of tonight as sometimes I can't catch what he says or spell it correctly lol! 

now I have 3 replies pretty much saying he's in the wrong I'm for sure more certain now and will no longer tolerate it at all... who knows he could also be my stb ex

edit- sorry I didn't see you edit before I posted, it's not for his approval it's so I can tell him to stick it up his arse he's the one in the wrong as he always tells me, go post in that forum you always talk about haha! So now I have Biggrin

OKtoStep's picture

You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. What he's doing is a narcissistic control tactic, keeping you unsure and gaslighting you. It's sick, it's sad and it's soul crushing. 

Missbx's picture

I agree with you, there's no need for it is there at all! Like I say I wasn't asking for the world or anything remotely hard so it's clearly him with the issue. I'm most certainly not standing for it anymore not once

Merry's picture

I dated a Brazilian soccer player once and he LOVED teaching me Portuguese. It was fun, even though I was bad at it. Best looking guy I ever dated, but I digress.

Why is he excluding you from this very basic part of his life? It's like he's president of the Turkish Club and No Girls Allowed. It seems very immature and spiteful. You're an outsider and he's not going to invite you in.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Some of these guys like having "one up" on you. Maybe they feel insecure and this is a way to knock you down a little. Keep you guessing, make you feel unsure and in the dark. 

Missbx's picture

I never thought of it that way to be honest but that is highly possible. The way he said it to me though that I'm not Turkish I don't need to know and if we had kids (I'll stop that plan right now) then he would do the same and that would push me out even more. Hell to the no Biggrin

Missbx's picture

I said this to him any normal person would be happy that someone is taking an interest in their culture/language and it should be something he'd enjoy! I honestly have no idea why he won't unless it's because as he said he thinks I'm 'jealous'. I like that last bit by the way and I can't wait to use it :) 

Kes's picture

Sorry to say but your boyfriend sounds like a total knob head.  Won't tell you what words mean, just swears at you in a language you can't understand? Dump him, my dear. 

Winterglow's picture

Why are you still with someone who swears at you, disrespects you, and deliberately shuts you out? Oh, and he gaslights you too. Why bother with the ill-mannered boor?


tog redux's picture

Yes - this is a total power play, OP, and will likely escalate to further abuse once he thinks you are trapped with him by marriage or pregnancy.  And that abuse will include him talking bad about you in Turkish to your children.

You can do better, I'm sure.

Swim_Mom's picture

Why are you with a verbal abuser? Kick him to the curb - I'm sure you can do better than this. Have some self respect.

simifan's picture

It is always rude to speak in a language someone in the room does not know. If it can't be helped (ex. mom/dad do not speak english) someone should be translating everything they say. For a SO to treat you with such rudeness, disrespect and purposefully exclude you... not what I would want in a friend much less partner. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

the latest app that downloads on to your phone is "translate" and you can put the microphone on to have it translate what someone is speaking.

Missbx's picture

Hey guys,

Thankyou for the replies. 
Since I posted on that night I tried to speak to him but it just turned into an argument and I couldn't be bothered with it so just ignored him. The next day he text me from work to say he was sorry and was just getting defensive which I ripped him a new arsehole over as I'd had enough of it. All has been quiet since but I did mention the gaslighting and he apologised for that too. He has one more chance another incident like this and him and his bags are on their way back to london Smile

Missingme's picture

Turkish men, especially, don't respect women who lay with them outside of marriage.  Fact.  The way he's treating you tells anyone that.  I would leave his (cough) immediatley and never look back.