You are here

Husband resents my discipline

THISAINTWORTHIT's picture

My husband has a 15 year old son who lives with us. His mother passed away, but before that she was a junkie. I've been in my SS life since he was 2 and right from the start i've been the primary one doing the parenting and all of the discipline. I use a reward system with him and he has never once been spanked by either of us. Overall he is a really good kid. In the beginning i took on that role because my husband simply wasn't doing any of it, and i realized that if this child was going to live in my home he needed to be parented properly. My husband, to put it bluntly, is a coward. The thought of standing up for me or himself in any way makes him visibly nervous. So not long into our relationship i noticed that was also how he approached parentingand dealing with the bio mom. I am an assertive person so i never had a problem stepping up to fill that deficit. But what bothers me is that though he himself refuses to do the hard work of parenting, he always seems resentful that i do it. In the past i've tried stepping back to see if that would force him to step up, but ultimately it just meant that no one was parenting his son and i couldn't watch that happen. I've always known that single mothers typically have issues with the SD disciplining their children but i find it strange that my husband does. Has anyone else had this experience???

ESMOD's picture

I dont know how much you two have discussed any of this, but in my experience, just stepping back and hoping that he notices a void to fill isn't usually very effective.  

I would try to approach him at a calm time.. not during a skid "crisis" to discuss things.

Hey you know SS is a pretty amazing kid.  I have really enjoyed being able to help him grow into a nice young man... but, sometimes I get the feeling that you think I'm being too hard on him.  I guess from my perspective, a parent can't really be their child's best friend.  It's a parent's job to raise their child to be a good person and contributing member of society.  I know you don't like conflict but when your son struggles to behave or do the right thing.. he NEEDS help from you or me to redirect him back on the right track. Now, I know we have sort of fallen into this role in the house where I am more the disciplinarian.  To be honest, I would love if you would take more of an active role there.. because it's hard feeling like I;m in between trying to do the right thing for your son... and not upset you.  I would also welcome discussion about how things go .. privately.. so that we can present a united front, but we can learn from each other how to best do things.  Again, you have a great son, he has so much potential but I also know that kids need to have boundaries and rules to feel secure and help them stay on track.  Do you have any ideas on how we could do things in the future?

THISAINTWORTHIT's picture

Thank you for this advice. Honestly as many times as we've talked about it i've never taken this kind of an approach. I'm going to try this. 

CLove's picture

I always love the track of making it about the CHILDS BEST INTEREST.

Just to reinforce the message - you are NOT attacking his child, you have the childs best interests at your heart. You LOVE this child. He isnt your child from your body, but you have taken him on as your child and he is under that umbrella of Mother protection, for the rest of his life and your lives.

Also, really reinforce the fact that you are a TEAM a united TEAM, and you need this from him. His CHILD needs this from him. You are giving the child what he NEEDS (boundaries, stability, love, enablement to be independant)  to live a life where hs is enabled to be the best he can be wherever that leads.

Losingit321's picture

At one time I "tried" to help with certain things - it always ended up that I was "picking on my SD" - Now I am totally hands off and she is getting older.  We have had her full time since she was 7 and almost 13 now... the BM is useless so I did my best but I did hear one too many times about me picking on her- so I thought screw this.. I won't say another word and I don't.  The part that bothers me is my house is no where near what I would like.  My SD has no responsibilites at all.  So now I let things sit and as much as it bothers me I won't do it.  I refused to keep cleaning up after ppl.  I no longer say anything if she doesn't shower - nothing.  I know it sounds awful and maybe not the best approach but it keeps me a little sane and if something happens DH can deal. 

Rags's picture

character.

So, no more more stepping back to see if he will step up. No more subtle hints, etc....  Time for...

"If you do not like how I parent and discipline then step up and get it done before I have to.  If  you don't have the balls to make that happen then STFU and have my back until we are alone and you can gain clarity."

Later.... rinse.... repeat.