How would you respond/what is the appropriate way to respond
So for those of you who did not see my post in the General Forums, my boyfriend has two daughters 2 y/o and 4 y/o. Lately, the 4 y/o has taken an obession with talking about "boobies." First time I heard that out of her mouth was about 2 weeks ago, we were all in the car and she said her teacher has boobies like I do. My boyfriend then told her it is not ladylike to be talking like that. She hasn't brought it up again until Sunday, it was just me and the 4 y/o and she brought up saying I can't wait to have "boobies" like mine. I told her she has some time until that happens and we don't go around talking like that (quite frankly it makes me a bit uncomfortable a 4 year old talking about my boobs and staring at them). She then said that "I talk to mommy like that" and I said "if mommy lets you talk to her like that then that is up to her." It really took me off guard and I was not sure what to say/what my boyfriend wanted me to say. Then yesterday, the four of us were out for dinner and she brought up my boobs again (mind you, I don't wear tops showing cleavage often, especially around the children, but I am not small chested). My boyfriend told her again that is not something we talk about at the table. Then later, the child had to use the bathroom so I took her, my boyfriend was still eating and I didn't mind. Then the child asks me if "daddy" put a baby in my tummy and starts talking about making babies and mommy told her about it. I told her that no, I do not have a baby in my tummy, but she was right that babies do come from their mommy's tummy. After the children were asleep I told my boyfriend about the conversation and the previous one about "boobies" and asked him how he would like me to respond to these topics and that I was not sure what exactly to say. He told me he wasn't sure what to say either, but he doesn't like his 4 y/o going around talking like that. I am happy she feels comfortable to say anything to me (I know she is 4 so there is really no filter, but still) and I just don't really know what to be saying, especially when it seems her BM is giving her details about these things. What would you say/think is the right way to handle it? I don't want her to think she can't say things to me, but the talking about my boobs, makes me a bit uncomfortable because of her age.
First she is very young -
First she is very young - this type of talk isn't necessarily inappropriate but does need to be kept in private.
I would have her father explain to her that although it is great to talk about her body with the people she trusts, this type of talk has to happen in private. He needs to explain that our bodies are special which is why we don't talk about it with everyone.
I don't feel the BM is out of line here if she talks openly about her body. But with little ones they have zero filter. So that talk needs to include the appropriate ways to have the conversation.
Once he has the talk with your SD, then you just simply remind her when it happens. If you are consistent it will stop.
But, I also think it needs to be said that shutting down this talk completely as inappropriate isn't healthy either. Kids need to know that their body isn't gross. And that it's OK to talk about it, but with the right people at the right time.
That is what I wanted to avoid too
I wanted to avoid shutting it down as inappropriate, because I am happy she is talking with me about it, but don't want it to seem so OK to talk about that it then is being brought up to the wrong people either. I think my biggest dilemma was my boyfriend not knowing how he wanted to handle it because I did not want to cross the line and make a parenting decision that is not mine to make, so I've been trying to stall giving any actual answers until I knew where he stood on the subject.
I don't think BM is out of line, but I don't think she has had the conversationa about when and where it is appropriate to be talking about these things. I also think she should of communicated to my boyfriend she talked about it with her and what was said so they were on the same page, not all of a sudden it is a surprise she is talking about boobs and babies with no idea what was talked about or explained.
Thanks! I don't have any kids of my own so far and wasn't sure what to say with what my role is in their lives at this point.
I agree that parents need to
I agree that parents need to communicate but at this age it may not have seemed like a big deal or a constant topic to discuss. Kids ask random things and before you can fully answer they are asking something completely different.
I can remember when my kids were tiny and asked about babies. I had no idea where it came from. Then suddenly realized a woman on tv gave birth. They see EVERYTHING!
And this is just one of many things you will find to be slightly strange :)
I don't have kids either, but
I don't have kids either, but it seems to me the bigger deal you make out of it, the more it will be on her mind. I'd probably just answer her question and move on in the conversation. Maybe BM is trying to answer her questions about babies and boobs rather than brushing them off, but the result is that the kid doesn't realize all audiences aren't appropriate. I think it will pass most quickly if you and your boyfriend act like the question is natural, but then change the subject. Regardless, anyone in earshot knows she's a little kid and won't hold any talk against any of you.
SD5 went through a small
SD5 went through a small phase of "boobies." This is pretty well what I did. Answered some questions, explained to her the importance of keeping them covered (figured it was a good window) and she stopped talking about it. It made me a bit uncomfortable, but marblefawn is right, answering her questions curved her curiousity and the conversations faded off and no longer exist.
As for where babies come from. I told her the kid store. LMAO. She knows better. She talks about babies coming form mommy's tummies. As someone said above, kids see a LOT, she knows that information. I use the same policy there, if they have questions, then we answer them, within age appropriateness of course.
Honestly, I think that for
Honestly, I think that for the most part, the way you are both handling it is pretty good. Maybe a bit more focus on the "we don't discuss these things in front of other people" would be good though. It's possible that she is hearing this from her mom because she maybe has seen pregnant people with her mother and asked questions.. or asked her mother about seeing a woman nursing a baby. The topics may have come up organically with her mom. And her mom has obviously tried to not make discussions about female bodies as taboo...
Then there is also the fact that kids will blurt out stuff sometimes..appropriate or not. I would just continue to use age appropriate language if she has questions.. and be free to tell her that some things may be best for her to ask her mommy if you aren't comfortable. And.. reinforce that talking about body parts and functions in public isn't good manners.
Unless the BM in your
Unless the BM in your situation is the fairly rare blended family opposition specimen who can be reasonable and reasoned with .... the only control you have is within your home and family when the Skids are with you. How BM chooses to parent on her time will haunt you, your DH and your Skids for ever. So, you and your BF manage Skid behavior when you have them and to the best of your ability counter any crap that BM loads the kids up with on her time.
You can't control BM but you sure can set and enforce the standards of behavior that the Skids will follow when they are with you and their dad.
As for little girls and their
As for little girls and their breast fixation... My niece was fixated on my wife's chest when she was about the same age as your eldest SD. She was also fixated on my mom's chest.
My SIL (brother's wife) is extremely small chested (A cup if that) while my bride is the opposite (H cup-ish) . Mom falls in the middle (C-D cup).
My niece was baffled by the difference between her mom and my wife and my mom.
I don't think that the topic should be should be off limits if the kid is interested. But controling the venue for discussion is important.
I second what many are saying
I second what many are saying here. My step kids started being curious of my breast after they saw their aunt breast feeding her baby in public (they were age 4 and 6, a boy and a girl). Kids are just curious, answer their questions and no need to make it a big deal. Its good to remind them to talk about these things in private but if they forget most people will understand and wont judge them or you over it IMO.