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Help please? (Financial and Emotional Issues - break up?)

fifi123's picture

I'm really worried about posting here because I feel like a horrible person. Some background to start off with is that I'm 25, my boyfriend is 42 and he has a son who is 7. I have no kids of my own. I met his son about 8-10 months ago and although I talk to him and he talks to me (and we've done painting and crafts will his Dad slept on the sofa in the afternoon...) there is just always an awful tension there and I find myself counting down the hours until he leaves. That's not the only problem though...

Me and my boyfriend were due to have his son for 4 days this weekend (and my boyfriend KNEW about this for at least two weeks) but my boyfriend didn't prepare by making sure he had money to pay for his son this weekend and he even asked me if he could borrow bus fare to pick the kid up. He didn't even have bus fare?!

This is not the first time it's happened (with money) and he's asked me in the past for £20 here, £20 there and twice I've lent him larger sums of money (not necessarily always for his child) and I have never received any of this money back, it's almost like an expectation that it's there so he can use it. I'm trying to save my money for my first house, too, and I feel insulted that I'm just being sort of "used" in this way. Money has not really been an issue for me in past relationships and I don't even want a man to provide FOR me (I have ALWAYS paid my own way), I just expect my boyfriend to at least have money to pay for his own child and not expect me to.

Anyway, we have been together for two years and I work in a difficult job (with lots of work to bring home as well) and my boyfriend doesn't work at all and although it's rare that we have his son, I just can't envision my life continuing this way. I've ended up NOT going with him to spend time with him and his son for these four days and I told him it was because of being used like a personal bank account. He wasn't happy and left things angry between us.

Onto the emotional stuff (and I suppose my main issue because money is just trivial) ... am I a bad person for wanting to leave this situation? As well as the financial stuff, I don't want to be in a relationship where everything isn't "new" to both of us (eg. both having our first child, both getting married for the first time - oh, he's still married to someone else by the way :/). I also really, really want children but whenever I bring that up he just kind of says nothing. I asked him outright if he wanted any more children and he replied with "jury's out on that one."

I've read a lot of articles on the internet today and a lot of people say to just "suck it up" and adopt the attitude of "well what did you expect?" sort of thing. Is that what people do? Just suck it up? Give up their desires and dreams for someone else?

I'm afraid of what my boyfriend's family will think of me - they might think I bailed and I'm weak because I can't handle having a step child? I don't know. I'm so worried about what people will think if I decide to get out of this relationship.

Has anybody left a situation like this and have any advice on how to deal with the aftermath?

SacrificialLamb's picture

You are 25. Same age as my DD. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why on earth do you think you don't deserve better than this? There are a lot of decent men out there better than this. You won't find them until you get out of this situation you are in.

I agree, get therapy to find out why you think this is ok. I had a not so nice upbringing and in my youth I settled for situations that were less than what I deserved. Once I grew, I said no more. Life is short, and there are great things out there. Go find them.

fifi123's picture

.

hereiam's picture

I'm 25, my boyfriend is 42
we've done painting and crafts will his Dad slept on the sofa in the afternoon
my boyfriend doesn't work at all
I've lent him larger sums of money (not necessarily always for his child) and I have never received any of this money back
I also really, really want children but whenever I bring that up he just kind of says nothing.

This is not the man or the life for you.

Why would you be worried about what people will think if you leave the relationship? People are probably wondering why you are IN this relationship.

How to deal with the aftermath? Celebrate that you are now free of this dead beat to find the right person for you, who has the same goals and motivation as you. This guy is dragging you down.

A lot of people have left similar situations and are happier for doing so.

fifi123's picture

I don't know... I KNOW none of it is ok but I think it comes from not wanting to give up on stuff? Like I have NEVER given up on anything and I feel like if I give up on this it's just admitting defeat.

I suppose I have felt like I needed to support him through a tough time (no job, going through procedures to be able to see kid again (his wife is awkward), and then what I thought would be a divorce...) - I wanted to be there for him, I think, especially because he told me his ex (who is still his wife) was never there for him in hard times.

I also feel like because I've spent time with the kid that I have a responsibility to that kid now? I just need some things put into perspective but THANK YOU so much for all of your replies already, they are helping and I think deep down I do know that this is wrong.

Does anybody have any additional advice on how to go about leaving this situation? EDIT: more on an emotional level than practical because that's what I'm going to find hard I think.

notsobad's picture

Hahahahaha, so you can't admit to defeat but you can stay with someone who uses you, who you don't really love?

Fine, then stay, feel like sh!t, be used and abused and just keep telling yourself "At least I didn't give up!"

The fact is you DID give up, you are defeated. You gave up on yourself and have accepted this horrible existence, that's defeat!

Advice on how to leave?
Really? Have you never broken up with someone? I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. I need to find myself. I'm not ready for this kind of commitment right now. Take your pick!

fifi123's picture

I have ended a relationship before, but it's gut-wrenching to hurt somebody like that so I hope you'll forgive me if I'm a little bit hesitant in doing it especially since we've been together for two years. I appreciate the sentiment behind your comment (genuinely, thank you).

I also never said I didn't really love him. I do love him, this is why I'm finding it hard.

hereiam's picture

You're 25, childless, and have a bright future. At this point, you need to put yourself first and not give up on YOU. Don't settle for this relationship, that would be defeat, in my opinion.

It's just as important to know when to walk away from something. It's not giving up, it's being smart enough to know that it's not working and that it's not what you want for your life, and it's time to move on and try something else.

Settling for this guy would not be any kind of accomplishment.

I wanted to be there for him, I think, especially because he told me his ex (who is still his wife) was never there for him in hard times.

And this^^^^is just manipulation on his part, pure and simple. He's tugging at your heart strings, playing on the fact that you are a good person. Really, that is one of the oldest lines that men use to get sympathy from the new person that they want to sponge off of.

SMto2's picture

I agree with this, 110%. Exactly what I was going to say. Read the above slowly a few times and let it sink in. You know in your heart and in your head this relationship is WRONG for you. Please end it as quickly as you can and don't look back. Trust me when I say your future self will thank you!!!

fifi123's picture

I suppose because I've never seen it as "giving up on myself" - but this point of view has actually helped a lot, thank you.

Putain des Palaces's picture

Excellent and timely advice.

I heartily second your post, Echo.

Disneyfan's picture

Your boyfriend is a user. Have you ever wondered why he isn't dating a woman his own age? Most women his age wouldn't give a broke, unemployed, married man a second glance. This man has NOTHING to offer a woman that she can't get in an adult toy store.

Walking from a person who is using you a a smart thing. Do not stick around and wadte on life on this loser.

fifi123's picture

I'm getting a lot of comments all at once but I just want to say that I have read them all and I do appreciate all of your responses. There have been a lot of truths told here that have been hard to read (especially the one about my intelligence... hmm... but I see the intention behind it haha) but I suppose I always knew all of this to be true. I just needed to hear it from someone objective.

Livingoutloud's picture

If he is still married then you are his mistress. The one that financially supports him. Kind of like a sugar mamma. Just munch younger. And you really are not technically a stepmom.

Run. Never look back. It's embarrassing to live like this.

I can't imagine anyone looking down on you for leaving. But people will, if you stay. Don't waste 5 minutes on him. You sure can have better in life than this

momjeans's picture

Everyone here has given you solid advice. Though, I don't wonder what must have happened in your life - I think some people are just people-pleasers and "fixers" to an absolute fault, and this might be the roadblock you need to get yourself through and not look back.

You're young, girl. End this today. There are plenty of men out there. Childless men.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Are you a Jane Austen fan? Because you are dating Wickham and you are
Never going to find Mr
Darcy. He is a Willioughby and your Colonel is out there !

ChiefGrownup's picture

Awesome!

stormybanks22's picture

Oh My goodness! I'm so glad you've written your problems here. But Honey, you only have one real problem. You have no self esteem. Your will a loser. He is using you. If he cared he wouldn't be freeloading off of you.
And, why do you care what his family thinks of you. When you break up with him they will turn on you anyway.
You need to turn away from this situation and run as fast as you can and don't look back.
You need to have a relationship where everything is new. That's what every girl dreams of but some settle for less.
I'd be alone before I'd let someone treat me the way this user is doing you.
This is a very sick relationship and you need to go.

elvr's picture

I hope you have had time to come back and read your own post, and really read what you wrote to yourself, not as yourself, but as if you were reading as someone else. If you had to tell your story in front of a group of wise men, how far would you get before it just doesn't make sense?

This is not about breaking up, but about doing what is best for you as a woman/human and your future. I know you have a lot invested emotionally and financially, but you cannot get back time, and you will never see the money you spent again. Cut your losses, because you are never going to get what you want from someone who doesn't want to do shit with their lives. He has issues that are bigger than you, and he is using you. Don't get me wrong, clearly you are a contributing member of society, personable and thoughtful, but that doesn't mean that he will value you, especially if you don't value yourself. That is not any fault of yours, stop trying to be a superhero, thinking that the "better" you are as a woman, that he will reciprocate as a partner.

You are dragging yourself down with this person so much. You are 25 years old, and you have a free and open future in front of you, you are making life so hard for yourself. This is not preaching, this is from experience,and so please don't think I am judging you, because I have done something for too long, too much and for the wrong reasons, so take heed, you are not special and neither is your "situation".

On a practical level, how do you introduce him to friends, family and colleagues? What do you say when they ask you about him? How do you describe him? Does this mean you are not even going out, enjoying activities together, socializing with others, because he can't afford to date you in a traditional way, otherwise you are paying for that too, so what is the attraction?It doesn't matter, really, I just hope you are not dickmitized, because if that is the case, that is the first thing you have to eliminate.

He is not planning a future with you, thank God. However, he will use you until you get tired and kick him to the curb, otherwise he will never "leave" you. I would be willing to bet the tip of my pinky, that he has more than one "sugar momma". When you find that out for sure, I am sure you feel like being less than nice. There is no reason for him to not be divorced, if it is about money, he should get a job, file pro se, etc. He could do something amazing and get a job to start, any job would suffice. How does he support his son financially, hell, for that matter emotionally? If he doesn't take care of himself and he doesn't take care of his son, why do you think that he has any noble, positive intentions for you?

You are worried about being nice to him, how about you be nice to yourself, and leave this loser alone, and continue to enrich your own existence? Many people are together because they simply don't know how to break up. You can love someone for who they are and yet know this is not the person for you, and that you have to move on. You don't have to lock down the first, second, or even third person who loves you. This life is not a race, it's a journey, and you choose the path you are going to take.

Good and bad things are going to happen no matter what you choose, but choosing positive people and positive decisions will help out greatly. I hope you will stop all of the hemming and hawing, and get as bold as he is when he is asking you for money(using you),wasting your time(using you), manipulating you into taking care of his child(even though he doesn't get to see him often, his short visit is a perfect time for a nap), and leading you on with words, and no actions (after 2 long years, he still hasn't moved forward in being a productive adult, much less a responsible father).

Everyone has been very helpful in giving you advice, the choice is yours. Anything else is just being a cooperating victim. If you can find this site, then you can find another site about codependent relationships, how to leave a bad relationship, low self esteem, etc., and get something that may help you get past this, because you are beating a dead horse.

Acratopotes's picture

dump his ass... you are a 25 year old supporting a lazy ass 42 year old and his kid with another woman...

run for the hills HOn, you've wasted 2 years of your life on this leach

Rags's picture

Aftermath? There is no aftermath to deal with. No contact takes care of any aftermath. And why the hell would you worry about what his family thinks of you ending a relationship with an abject waste of manhood? Not your family, not your problem.

Now. Please read the below paragraphs of your original post.

"This is not the first time it's happened (with money) and he's asked me in the past for £20 here, £20 there and twice I've lent him larger sums of money (not necessarily always for his child) and I have never received any of this money back, it's almost like an expectation that it's there so he can use it. I'm trying to save my money for my first house, too, and I feel insulted that I'm just being sort of "used" in this way. Money has not really been an issue for me in past relationships and I don't even want a man to provide FOR me (I have ALWAYS paid my own way), I just expect my boyfriend to at least have money to pay for his own child and not expect me to.

Anyway, we have been together for two years and I work in a difficult job (with lots of work to bring home as well) and my boyfriend doesn't work at all and although it's rare that we have his son, I just can't envision my life continuing this way. I've ended up NOT going with him to spend time with him and his son for these four days and I told him it was because of being used like a personal bank account. He wasn't happy and left things angry between us.""

You are his cash machine with benefits. If he does not have the self motivation and basic pride to work why have you invested 2yrs in this guy? If he was a full time stay-at-home-dad (SAHD) then maybe, and it is a slim maybe, I could understand why he isn't working. It is neither your job nor your responsibility to support this guy.

Don't worry about anything but yourself and get started on a new phase of your life. Never again settle for someone who is not your equity life partner and make sure from now on that you engage only partners who bring an equity contribution to your life as you bring to theirs. And for God's sake... don't waste a pico-second on worrying about what his family will think of you. If they can't readily recongnize that their son is a useless POS parental and man-flesh waste of skin that speaks loads more about them than about you.

Good luck and take care of you.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Haven't read the thread so don't know if this has all been said before.

No, people don't just suck it up.

You should leave this man yesterday. Who cares what his family thinks. They are dolts. They raised a mooching baby who has to shave. How can this creep look himself in the mirror?

I'm sure he's witty and fun or something but you need and deserve so much more.

No self-respecting 42 year old man would be bumming bus fare off a 25 year old girl. It's nauseating.

Break up and don't ever give it a second thought. We all have stupid relationships in our 20s. This one is yours. Now get out and go live a much more wonderful life!

fifi123's picture

Just a quick update: I ended the relationship and have not looked back. My whole perception of the situation I was in has now changed (thanks to these posts on this thread and my family and friends supporting me). I am actually a little embarrassed that I allowed myself to stay in that situation for so long. He has agreed to pay me back the money he owes me. He's being a little difficult about it and not making regular payments, but I'm not financially worse off without it so it doesn't really bother me.

He didn't make it easy for me to leave, but my relationships with my friends, family and work-colleagues have improved so much since reaching the conclusion that your comments helped me to reach (I don't feel so anxious and angry all of the time. I even found myself being resentful of others for having lives that I wished I could have - who knew it was so easy to achieve the life I wanted by ridding my life of just one aspect!) Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my predicament and give your insight.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Fifi, I'm really glad you came back and gave us this update. This is really good news. Great job! I am really happy you got yourself out of this. Pick a better guy next time. 20s is the time to refine your taste and get wiser about who deserves to share your time. You're right on track. Good for you!