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He sometimes says "we" when referring to past with BM..

wonderinggirl's picture

Is this cause for concern? Sometimes he'll say things such as "we had him eating vegetables at a young age", "we took him to ---" etc. I've confronted him on this before and asked why he says "We" as though it's something he still wants. Is this something I should be worried about? What are signs that he still loves BM? Sometimes I wonder if maybe he does. Sometimes when we get in arguments about it he asks why I hurt him with that and that it's a deep wound. If it's a deep wound doesn't that not mean he still loves her? So confused.. Sad

Its_My_Life_Too's picture

You may be making more out of it than it is. I think I would need more knowledge on the situation before I give any concrete advice but if they (him and his ex) were together while the child was young- saying "we had him eating vegetables at a young age" is just a comment. Most men don't really think when they speak, the don't realize we will look into every little word they say.

To me right now it sounds more like you are holding his ex against him... maybe you are jealous of her and her earlier attachment to him- which could lead to jealousy over the child. If you a POSITIVE that is not the case, then ask yourself are you insecure?? I personally rarely ever bring up my fiance's ex- at this point I'd rather forget she never existed, she's caused so many problems for me. And I even less often use his child against him to make him feel bad- I think I did it once.... at christmas.... when he wouldn't help me decorate the tree christmas eve after his daughter went to bed. Point is- before you start looking at him and blaming him for maybe still loving his ex, look at yourself and make sure you are sure and sound with your decisions.

Now, if after all of that, you are positive you aren't holding his ex against him or unsure of yourself and insecure with the situation (or that he has to see his ex sometimes because of the child.) we'll move on to him.

It's hard to peg exactly what certain things they say or do when they still love another woman. Him having contact with his child's mother is inevitable and you just have to get over that part. Biggest thing is to remember- he is with YOU, not HER. If he's still spending the night with her... that may be cause for concern lol. I know it seems far out there, but I've seen friends make excuses for that behavior. There would have to be more information concerning his behavior than anything to help you out on if he still loves BM, but at this point- I wouldn't worry!!

Don't sweat the small stuff!

hereiam's picture

I would not worry about it if he is referring to the past when they were actually a "we".

"We" just means the speaker plus another person or persons, nothing more. Even if he uses it when referring to the present, if it is something they agree upon, that's all it means- him and another person (in this case, BM) agree on such and such. It does not indicate a particular relationship (or a desire for one).

Is there something else going on that makes you think he still loves her?

As far as him still feeling wounded, well, there are a lot of reasons for the wound to still be there besides having feelings for the person. Just going through a divorce or break up leaves a person feeling wounded, especially when kids are involved.

My husband was hurt for quite awhile, not because he loved BM but because his family (such that it was) was broken and he felt like he failed his daughter (even though it was BM who was the cheat). He felt betrayed and sad that he was not going to be there everyday for his daughter, like he thought he would be when she was born.

Shaman29's picture

I'm sorry but :jawdrop: .

If this is your biggest complaint, then you lead a very charmed step life.

Good luck.

wanttoscream's picture

God, I would rather hear a pronoun than the Spawn of Satan's name uttered in my presence!

wonderinggirl's picture

For a bit of history.. I am 23 - he's 30, it's my first relationship with a man who has a child. I love his son he's a great little man and we have a great friendship. I am insecure and have had issues with jealousy basically my whole life.

I think it just stems from how our relationship started. We had a one night stand (or what I thought would just be that) and then he ended up tracking me down on fb a few days later because he wanted to see me again. We started seeing each other but about a month in I went out with some friends and one of my friends said that one of her friends (I don't know this other girl very well but she lives on his street) had been seeing his ex-fiance's (who he referred to as an ex-wife and told me they had separated a year prior to then)car parked outside his house! So I was furious and asked him about it and he said it was only in the first week we started hanging out. I also always got weird explanations like "she would come to bring their son and he'd just let her spend the weekend there" "didn't want to upset her and get his son taken away" etc.

They did end for sure at some point within the first month we were seeing each other. I don't know exactly when, or why. I don't know if it was her choice or his. He says it was his. I do remember a few times when she'd call him while we were together and he'd go into another room to speak with her. I was worried of course but figured they were talking kids stuff.

It's something I still worry about. I worry about what ifs.. like what if SHE ended it with him because she found out about me. And what if she suddenly decides she wants him back, would he do it just because it's better that they keep their original family together? She did bear his first born child. In my mind, I would lose any battle if it came down to between me and her because she has this HUGE connection to him. It is insecurity. I now know how much I'm overreacting based off all of your reactions lol..

I have never officially met BM.. briefly was told to never be on her f*ing property again when we went to pick up his son as I was waiting in the truck. Never had any contact since then.

BTW.. I didn't just come in and steal him away. I know this comment might give that impression, but I was under the impression that they were done for good and if anything he was leading us both on at the same time. He said she's someone he used to love but can never love again and that "he doesn't think they'll ever get back together" (he said that early on and "doesn't think" really gets to me sometimes still!)

Our relationship has been amazing for the most part since after the first couple months where we'd fight a lot. I just sometimes wonder if I'm mature enough for this..

Its_My_Life_Too's picture

"I just sometimes wonder if I'm mature enough for this.."

Haha, I wonder that too sometimes, don't worry too much about that- trust me, it's a learn as you go thing.

When me and FDH started seeing each other- before we ever made a commitment to each other, BM was still coming over a lot. He wasn't interested in her like that and I believe it now.

To give you background on me- I went through a relationship where the guy said he couldn't make a commitment but loved me- we were living together, in my mind it was already a commitment. Anyways- he would start sleeping with my friends and having them over at the house. Oh they were such good friends weren't they?!?! /sarcasm. I had huge jealousy issues at that point but only once rubbed it in a friends face. I think that whole relationship took all of the jealousy straight out of me.

I can understand him being worried she'd take his son away- because that's what the BM in my case did to my FDH before he got a CO. Ask him about the phone calls, try to engage him in conversation- if he gives you a vague response try and give it the benefit of the doubt, most men just don't really care, I've had to pry most of the phone conversations out of my fiance.

It's going to be tough going- I'll tell you that straight out, and if you don't think you can handle it..... you probably should step back. I spent weeks crying because I was at this point and wasn't sure where I belonged in my fiances life. Luckily he's a good person, caught onto the fact that I was upset and tried to help remedy the situation. We talk about EVERYTHING that's going on. and in return- I keep away from BM as much as possible to help keep it all low stress. anything I say that's a suggestion that gets repeated to BM comes off as if it's his opinion or suggestion. This is what should happen- his child will always be top priority over you. Just be aware of that, it's another thing you will have to get over and just acknowledge.

And by the BM's comment about never being on her property- that leads me to believe that he broke it off. She resents you obviously. Just try and stay out of her way, and don't make the mistake of giving unwanted advise or trying to push a relationship with her until she is ready.

Hugs!!! hope it goes well and good luck!

wonderinggirl's picture

Thank you so much for your response. It helps to know someone else worries about the maturity etc. It is very hard for me and I have creeped photo albums on facebook that show their family together from when their son was younger and it breaks my heart. I feel like I'm stopping a happy family or something Sad Even though he assures me it is nothing that would be again.

I just look at how it was and think that I could never attain that happy family with him because his is gone forever.. ugh I better stop thinking about it!

I must say, your comment at the end did make me realize a lot though. I guess your right - if she broke it off why would she care? So it does kind of seem like he was the one to break it off. Which does make me feel better. Smile