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He says he's not tactile but is all over his son.

wilds004's picture

Although there are a lot of teething problems with getting used to having a SS3 I wanted to talk about one recurring issue that is really getting to me. 

My boyfriend is very introverted, likes time alone doing his thing (maybe in the same room if I'm lucky), isn't that interested in physical touch or spending masses of what I would call undivided quality time together. He'll shrug off hand holding, hugs etc as he's "had too much" and we have frequent disputes like "We just spent two hours together, why are you upset that I'm not giving you a hug goodnight." (When the 2 hours are watching TV at opposite ends of sofa while he's on his phone/laptop too). This is an issue of its own that we're working really hard to find a middle ground on. (I'm a touchy extrovert suffering through lockdown). But basically I feel he could take or leave me a lot of the time and often feel lonely and rejected. That would be enough of an issue on its own...

HOWEVER my real issue is that when SS3 is here my bf cannot keep his hands off him, even when kiddo is perfectly happy doing his own thing and to be honest doesn't seem to want fussing over. My bf is pulling him into his lap or on top of him, tickling him, stroking his hair, kissing him etc etc you get the picture. It's constant. To the point SS is pushing him away but bf doesn't stop. This hurts me so much when all he tells me is that he's not a touchy feely person. I'm third wheel at the other end of the sofa watching this display feeling like I've been kicked in the chest. 

I'm absolutely not jealous of SS3 getting this attention (when he wants it haha). But just question if what bf is telling me is true when his actions and words are so different with us both. Any other introverts different with their children? Or any other thoughts? 

JRI's picture

My first thought is that you and BF are just too different in this area.  The presence of SS only highlights the disparity.  Im an introvert, too, and only want limited physical contact.  I would not be a good match for someone who liked a lot of physical contact.  My DH83 is an extrovert but it is mostly face-to-face contact he wants, asking me questions, trying to get my attention.  Thats bad enough, lol.

GrudgingSM's picture

So I was your DH is my last marriage. I've loooooong said I was not a touchy feely person and didn't like being in situations where people hugged me, but when my son was born, I was super touchy. Couldn't get enough. Also now in my new marriage: constant touch. Part of what I figured out was that in childhood I was guilted a lot to extract touch. I was my mom's emotional surrogate after divorce and she needed a lot of compliments and touch, so much so that I would count how many I was giving in a day and even asked people coming to the house to compliment her. So as an adult, guess which love languages I hate?

 

Maybe this stuff doesn't stem from childhood for him. But maybe there's also another explanation. It may be like many couples finding a middle ground for libido that you two need to communicate more about your level of physical touch and find what balance works best for you both. And find ways for you each to articulate that without guilt or accusation but just "hey love, I need my introvert time, I'm gonna go watch tv in our room" or "I'm having a hard day. Are you up for a snuggle?"

Winterglow's picture

The whole purpose of dating is to find the right person for you, not to try to change that person to what you want them to be. You are both very intrinsically different and, even if you compromise (both of you), you are never going to be a perfect fit. If I were you, I'd chalk this up to experience before my entire self esteem was shot. You need more than he can give yoiu. Set yourself free.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Find someone who's more open and demonstrably affectionate. This guy can't give you what you need, and you're asking for very basic, human things. I wouldn't be surprised if he struggles in future relationships as well.

ndc's picture

It sounds like you're just not compatible, to be honest. You need what he can't give, and seeing him give affection to his kid will just make you feel more rejected and resentful.  Better to find someone more in tune to, and able to satisfy,  your needs.

Cover1W's picture

My DH has ADD and holding hands and cuddles for long periods are hard for him.  We've been able to discuss it though and found alternatives that work. He likes sitting together on the couch (I don't so I have to adjust this for myself!), Walking together with occasional touches, etc. It works because I am not super touchy either...but his issue could be related to Autism too. DHs youngest, my YSD is like that, she ticks many mild autism boxes.

wilds004's picture

He does have a lot of tendencies that I would definitely associate with being on the spectrum having worked with a lot of ADD kids. I try to use some tactics I've learned along the way which have definitely helped our communication style and my reactions to him. 

tog redux's picture

I'd say you guys are not compatible. I'm an introvert, and so is DH and THANK GOD, I'd go nuts if someone was always wanting to go out and do things or be with me. We do spend time together, but each spend much more time alone doing our own thing. He's more touchy than I am, and that took some getting used to. I've had to set limits on some it, and he's learned how and when it's okay with me.  In turn, I've learned what he needs from me.

 

wilds004's picture

Thanks all for your replies so far. I should say in terms of our relationship the middle ground really is okay for both of us on the whole. We even have a black and white list of non negotiable things that we do for each other - romantic I know, but whatever works - (goodnight hugs for me, alone time for him etc). that we both really stick to because it matters. I get my fill of affection and socialising from so many other places as well as him that it's only been highlighted by lockdown where I now can't do that...

I guess my question is more just confusion at how he can be so different in how he rationally describes his feelings around touch (which I completely understand and respect) and then how he subconsciously acts with SS (which contradicts and confuses).

GrudgingSM your take is interesting to me, he's been through a divorce 2 years ago and done a lot of soul searching since so I wonder if this is a reason he's shut down in this aspect. 

 

 

GrudgingSM's picture

I both agree with the above comment that it's so much easier to love a pet or a baby in that way. I had no idea that level of touch was even in me. And in my first marriage I just said "I'm not that into touch" and I really couldn't have seen back then what was underneath it. And I think your black and white non-negotiables are great! We all need what we need, and I don't think it's unromantic to have clear communication at all. 

 

I also think it's hard with snuggles because much like sex the conventional relationship set up doesn't have a lot of flexibility about how those needs get met, but in this case...maybe a pet? It doesn't replace the need and there should still be some snuggles and touches coming from your partner, but perhaps if you had another good source of touch it could help take the edge off a bit. 

I'm sorry things are this way, especially in a pandemic. Virtual hug!

wilds004's picture

Thank goodness I already have a very cuddly cat and of course SS to take out my snuggling frustrations on! As much as his father perplexes me at times I adore little one. I'm sure it's probably not the healthiest reason to think it but I can't wait to have my own DC to shower with unconditional love. 

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

My DH and I are both introverts and he has a military background, so no PDA is a big thing for him. He will hug the skids goodbye, but that's the limit of touching. However, in the privacy of our home, we touch one another frequently. 

So... it's possible that your bf is "just not that into you". It is also possible that his previous relationship is the catalyst. If he was touchy/feely with his ex, then I would say he has unresolved issues and is not really ready for a relationship.

Harry's picture

Do you really want to live this way   ?   This is how your life is going to be,  it's  going to be worst when the honeymoon phase is over.   Time to think long and hard about your life,  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The main thing i see here is that he is not meeting your needs. The fact he's so touchy with his kid just rubs it in. 

Missingme's picture

OR it could me that he's just not into you because he's obsessed and inappropriate with his little son.  That your relationship is rather new and he chooses instead to be obsessed with being on top of and tickling and touching his son is very strange to say the least.  I'm thinking you were trying to tel us that you fee uncomfortable with how your BF is behaving with his own son and to the exclusion of a female body in the room.  Run away.  Something stinks!  Oh, and put a hidden camera in the toddler's room.  You may be surprised at what you discover and have to report to DHS.