This is hard…
Very brief backstory: DH and I have been married for 9 years, I have a SS19, almost 20. He came to live with us full time when he was around 15 or 16. SS dropped out of high school 2 years ago during his senior year and for a year and a half did nothing but play video games. Now he has a part time job since September.
SS's only priorities in life are playing video games. He does not have any other goals, ambitions, or anything like that that we're aware of. He stays up all night shouting on his Xbox, eating food out of the kitchen every hour, and staring at his phone. Anytime we try to have an actual conversation with him about helping out around the house, cleaning up, anything job related, asking him to get out of the house more, go get dinner for himself instead of eating everything we own, etc we are met with attitude, disrespect, excuses, and silence. He HATES these confrontations/conversations and will avoid them at all costs.
Where he works is very seasonal, and now that the holiday season is over his schedule is changing to 2 days a week. He doesn't seem concerned at all (of course).
I have come to having a lot of anger and resentment towards both DH and SS. Anytime I try and have conversations with DH about SS (what we need to be doing, rules we need to enforce, telling him our expectations, stop spoiling him and making it a luxury here in our home) I'm met with pretty much the same attitude SS gives us. DH gets really uncomfortable with confrontation as well, and he also makes it pretty clear that I'm over reacting. He seems to think SS's behavior is completely normal for a 20 year old. On one hand I understand that - but if we don't step up now things will not change. This is my biggest fear. SS has it made here, why would he ever want to change? I honestly feel like at this rate he will never move out. His job pays well and he could easily be living with a roommate if he really wanted to. I'm terrified I have another 5-10 years of this and the thought of that makes me feel like having a mental breakdown.
I also want to add that DH and I have been trying to conceive for years now and have finally been working with a fertility doctor and are in the midst of treatments. This has taken a major toll on me physically and emotionally. The added stress that SS causes me is almost unbearable. I'm at a breaking point. I have never struggled this much mentally in my life before. Throughout the day I just find myself having a lump in my throat and holding back tears when I think about my life. I have tears just typing this out. I feel like I'm drowning and screaming but no one notices.
I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to just disengage completely, another part of me wants to be more understanding and just hope and pray that SS comes to his senses one day or DH realizes the parenting he needs. Another part of me feels extremely guilty because overall SS isn't a horrible kid, he's just extremely lazy. Another part of me says I need to step up and be the "evil stepmom" and just start yelling at everyone. It's a constant battle and ultimately I'm still left just feeling very lost and alone in this. I love my husband more than words, he is my best friend and soulmate and I can't imagine life without him. We just have completely different views on parenting. If SS was my bio son I would be absolutely heartbroken to see the kind of life he is living and the man he is turning into. I would not raise my own son this way. I AM heartbroken to see it.
Welcome to the site!
I'm so sorry you are feeling so stressed out. It's not acceptable that an adult of 19+ gives you attitude, disrespect etc when asked to do a reasonable amount to contribute to the running of the household. At this point he should also be making a financial contribution to his board and lodging as any adult would be expected to do. He is a freeloader who is failing to pull his weight, and your DH is enabling him by colluding with this behaviour and not insisting that he does so.
Personally, if I were in your shoes I'd put the fertility treatment on hold for the time being because your DH is demonstrating what a shit parent he is and it won't be any different if you have a child of your own. Let's face it, nothing will change, SS has a very cushy number in your home and you said it yourself, why would he suddenly feel he has to change? Whatever your DH says, this kind of attitude is NOT "completely normal" for a person of his age - more like a giant cuckoo with ever-open beak.
If I were you, I'd have a come to Jesus meeting with DH, explain that you are extremely unhappy with the situation to the degree it's affecting your mental health - and give him an ultimatum. You may feel that you have not got to that point yet, but while describing your DH as your soul mate, you also say you feel lost and alone. That's not the way one should feel when living with a soul mate, is it?
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I completely agree that SS should be paying something. Just a couple of days ago I asked DH "do you think we'll ever charge him some kind of rent?" and DH said "well if he lives here long enough yeah", and then got really uncomfortable and made it clear he didn't want the conversation to continue. This is basically how all of the conversations revolving around SS go. I'm very very close to an ultimatum. SS's 20th birthday is very near so I'm thinking shortly after that.
He will never ever move out
He will never ever move out unless he gets a gf willing to take over the position you and your husband have in his life OR if your husband is tired and tells him to.
There is no other option. I would suggest to ask your husband what is the plan and whether these living arrangements are long term or short term? If they arent short term, you need to sit and think hard about how you want to live the next years in your life and if you can adapt to this or escape it?
Completely agree
Thank you, and I completely agree. SS has never had a girlfriend, and unfortunately with his manners and immaturity I worry it will be some time before that happens. I agree that I have a lot to consider and think about right now. Thank you for your response.
No worries. I have been there
No worries. I have been there and had no say in the matter. I eventually had to adapt until it blew up between my husband and his son. If SS21 wasnt extremely rude and unruly with criminal behavior, my husband would have probably let him stay freeloading for years only playing games and going out with friends and doing drugs in the home and outside the home.
If your SS ends up being an asshole to husband, this may be your saving grace
Your DH is crippling his son
Your DH is crippling his son by not insisting on a trajectory to independence. Can SS cook a meal? Manage a bank account? Pay bills on time?
I would be absolutely honest with your DH that living like this is intolerable. And insist that there be a plan for SS to move out within X amount of time. And it starts with SS learning the adult skills he needs.
If your DH won't cooperate with that, then you know SS's comfort is more important than yours. Or maybe it's DH's comfort that is more important than anyone's.
Thank you
SS does do his own laundry, he cooks his own meals most of the time - pizza, Mac and cheese mainly. He does manage his bank account, he has a debit card. And his only bill is his car insurance that he pays his mom each month for. So I'm glad he's doing those things (so far - it's only been 3 1/2 months that he's had the car insurance).
I'm thinking shortly after his 20th birthday that's coming up I can tell DH he needs to be moved out by the time he's 21. Although the thought of him being here another year makes me want to tear my hair out. But that will probably be the best compromise, cause DH mentioned recently that he didn't expect him to move out anytime soon and I know if I gave him a 6 month deadline DH would not agree with that. Thank you for your reply.
Still emotionally a child
Your husband is enabling his son to the point of disablement.
OF COURSE SS will balk at anything related to work, because hes been enabled to be this way. It wont change and if you have a baby, your resentment will grow.
Giving your husband a timeline requirement will definitely help, and then you can make "changes" in the meantime, that make SS really not that comfortable.
He eats food that you pay for? Put a stop to that. He buys his own food and sundries.
No rent money? Suggest to husband that he pay rent and save it and put it away for his move out fund.
Hopefully you have separated finances.
Exactly, I know this is DH's
Exactly, I know this is DH's fault right now, although SS is the way he is mainly because of his bio mom. He lived with her up until he was around 15 and moved in with us, and he was already like this. She's admitted several times she did a shitty job with him. But I've been having this same fight with DH for years. I always knew this would happen, even back then, because DH chose to be a "friend" and walk on eggshells around SS instead of stepping up and being a dad.
I couldn't agree more about the food and rent money, definitely something I'm going to do my best to get DH on board with. Thank you for your reply.
I'm really sorry that you
I'm really sorry that you have to go through infertility treatment. I had to go through the same thing and I wouldn't wish it on an enemy. Going through infertility treatment is one of the hardest things ever and it's even harder when you're also a stepmother because then your partner is not really going through it with you, he's already got a kid so you're not really in the same place.
I hope you have success soon. It's really hard to have a step kid in the house especially a older one and you can see all the parenting mistakes that were made and all that you want to do is have your own child and not make the same mistakes. I guess that is the one small benefit of being a step-parent is that you can learn from somebody else's mistakes and avoid making them yourself.
Good luck
Thank you so much, it means a
Thank you so much, it means a lot. I wouldn't wish it on an enemy either, definitely the hardest and most isolating thing I've ever been through. And you're right, having step kids really does put things in perspective and makes me realize everything I would do differently.
I really appreciate your kind words, thank you!
Nope. Tell DH that SS-20 goes or they both go.
DH's choice.
smh