You are here

Guess I'm not a kid/skid person?

HawaiiBound's picture

I'm not even sure where to begin as this is my first time posting...

I've been with my "fiance" for 5 a little over 5 years. He found me on a dating site (while still married to his schizophrenic/hoarder ex and with 2 sons). We hit it off, things we great because his wife at the time was in Japan visiting her family. Long story short and a year later he divorced, she basically had primary custody of the kids (now ages 8 & 10).

My fiance and I are both disabled vets, I suffer from anxiety/severe social anxiety and I'm a highly sensitive person (loud sounds, big crowds etc)... too much stimuli and I need to just chill in a quiet place for a day to recover. In the 5 years we were together, I probably spent a total of 3 months with his kids because of us travelling for is work every few months, so no bonding whatsoever. Of course when you live with someone you learn more (than you wanted?) about them. My fiance is basically a slob, it's been the same story (as he puts it "me nagging and picking at him") to clean up after himself because I'm tired of busting my ass to clean and be disrespected by a new mess within the next day... it's been like that for the last 3 years on and off. I'm a female, I want my nest clean.

Fast forward to the past 1.5 years, he's been filing for sole custody because their Mom is a selfish hoarding schizophrenic who has never worked a day in her life and lives off her rich daddy's credit card.

So the Cliff Notes for the present are this. About 5 months ago we are woken at 4am with cops ringing the doorbell and dropping his 2 sons and their dog off at our front door because the ex had a psychotic meltdown. So life literally changed overnight. Suddenly 2 undisciplined feral animals were living full time in my house. Their mother slept all day so they were used to raiding the kitchen at their leisure, which meant food left everywhere, etc (you get the idea). I was going out of my mind, mind "safe place" was no longer such and of course stressed me the hell out.

Coming to present day, some things have changed. The youngest 8, is "okay" but we had to put him on clonidine a month ago because he was having mega tantrums like 4-5 times a day (summer vacay was major hell). He's gotten better.

The oldest 10, I absolutely hate. They are both slobs, but the oldest is lazy. When it's just me "used as a free babysitter" (good enough for that, but not good enough to marry) the oldest ignores half the things I ask him to do (clean your room, clean your bathroom, no food in your room, pick up after yourself when your done eating, put shit back when you're done with it etc.) and constantly has rude comebacks. We even have to tell him when to get a bath or shower because he stinks and to remind im to put clean clothes on! If either of them aren't told to do something, they just won't do it. I had come up with a list of age appropriate chores for each of them, which would equate to them getting an allowance... that lasted a whole 3-4 weeks. Now they don't do any of it and my fiance is too laid back (and still a slob) that he doesn't enforce any of it, because it doesn't bother him. The only thing he gets on them for is to "tidy" their rooms, which is a damn joke.

I'm planning to move to Hawaii next Summer, I'm not happy with the way my "fiance" regards me in my own house, let alone his chaotic kids. At this point I feel so detached that I've given up most efforts and I'm always secretly hoping that when the custody battle ends that they go back to their mom, but highly unlikely. He can't fathom why I wouldn't love is kids if I love him, HA! And I tell him to do some research, I don't have to love them or even like them, just be a good "parent". But ya know what? Technically, by law, I'm not even that.

Just looking for advice on how to get through till then because all I do now once they get home from school is hide out in my bedroom and it fricken sucks that I feel I'm constantly anxious & uncomfortable in my own house. I have no family here in the west since I came out for the military, all of my family is back east. At the very least, it feels fantastic to have a place where I can vent & be 100% honest and open about how I really feel, thanks for that! (and sorry for the book, I have zero friends so I've been bottling my true feelings up for quite some time).

Stormyweather's picture

Sorry..no advice other than to kick out your lazy ass man who has no respect for you and tell him to take his kids with him.

Problem solved.

Then you have your peace back.

HawaiiBound's picture

Thanks everyone, at the very least you've all just made me feel incredibly normal and justified in how I feel... I'M NOT THE CRAZY ONE!!!

So much more is going on that I didn't want to add to my novel to bog you all down with. But he knows I plan to move to Hawaii and he plans to move to a rental he has in the mountains. We initially didn't want his kids to have to move in middle of school year (I have empathy for that as it was done to me by my dad and evil SM). So because of how bills are split, his parents are living in my duplex yada yada yada for now since we are both on fixed incomes, changing homes isn't an option. I think this is all hitting especially hard because I hate the winter season, which is another reason for my move south.

Thanks again for the replies, I appreciate everyone's honest input.

Shaman29's picture

Is there a yoga studio close by?? A few classes a week may help keep you centered. Finding a hobby (I recently became enamoured of adult coloring books (using colored pencils). There is one called Color Yourself Calm, mandalas by Paul Heussenstamm.

Mostly, I would suggest finding your own place and moving out. Even if it's a studio apartment. You would be away from the chaos and have your safe place again.

It sounds as though your problem will be solved when you move to Hawaii (Aloha by the way, I'm in HI too!). Were I in your shoes, I would make a clean break of the relationship. Based on your post, he is not meeting your needs and the kids in the house are probably not good for your health issues.

FYI - the blame for their behavior should not be laid at the feet of their mother. Your BF is just as responsible for their habits and attitudes. Especially since he's not supportive of you in any way. You're picking up a lot of parenting slack, which has been made worse as you are dealing with three children.

You deserve better. And not all kids/skids are like these kids. Some are better. Some are worse.

Good luck on your move to HI. While I moved away from all of my friends, the pace of life here (I don't live on Oahu) is slow and has worked wonders for my health issues.

Endless Sorrow's picture

Shaman, thank you for passing on this practical advice about moving out now, if only to a studio apartment, while you wait for your move to Hawaii. This is just what I was thinking.

Hawaii, even if you have to borrow money from family or friends to make an immediate move happen, you need to take care of yourself in this way.

Your health issues are real and you are deserving of care, especially care from yourself for yourself.

You are correct that you have no legal standing in this situation. In fact, you could be leaving yourself vulnerable to accusations of abuse whenever you spend time alone with these kids, especially the one who needs to be medicated.

If your "fiance" has to scramble to find babysitters to take your place, you just can't worry about that.

Find a month-to-month rental, move your stuff in, and then tell your "fiance" he needs to find a babysitter for after school hours NOW.

Rags's picture

Well, boot his ass and the asses of his toxic spawn out of your home ..... NOW. End of problem. Then you have plenty of calm peaceful time to prepare for your move to Hawaii next summer. Get the house listed now if you want to give your STBXF a major clue.

ctnmom's picture

He used you to get out of a bad situation, and he's still using you. Bonus: if he left her for you, don't you think he'll leave YOU when a bigger sucker with deeper pockets comes along? You've been scammed. Cut your losses now. KICK THEM OUT. You owe them nothing- they actually owe you the world.

Endless Sorrow's picture

I'm sorry, Echo, but I think your reply is too harsh. I see from your bio that you have biological kids, yet you have chosen to post a comment in the Bio Child Free Zone.

I very much appreciate the existence of a Bio Child Free Zone because women especially who come here are dealing with issues that women with children are not likely to understand.

Guys on dating sites lie, especially guys in bad marriages with children. When they finally do reveal that they have kids and are still married, the divorce is always just about to be finalized.

I don't blame HawaiiBound for falling for whatever attractive tale her "fiance" undoubtedly spun when they got together, and when you don't have experience living with kids, feeling hopeful about being able to make things work, no matter how complicated your lover's story is, is just what nice naive child-free women do.

TwoOfUs's picture

Where s the Bio Child Free zone? I'd like to go to there!

I agree that women marrying for the first time...no bio kids...are incredibly vulnerable to being led on and used by men with kids (divorced or "almost divorced"). Not giving them/us a pass. We're still grown-ups. But it's natural that we would know less about marriage and what we need / want out if it than people who've been married before.