Welcome - Where is your husband in this? Why are you the one bearing the brunt of increased labor and parenting?

Also, they can do their own wash at 11-12 - it's an important life skill to learn. 

It's great you're so accommodating, but the kids need their father to be stepping up - not you.  
 

You are likely setting yourself up for future blame by stepping into the mom role.

Disengaging allows them to feel love and cared for by the parent that's still there.

Plus they can do their own laundry, and should be doing chores guided by their father.

BM ditched SD at 10 to move 800 miles away & lied to SD about it. Told her she lost in court, which she never filed. SD had counseling, got clingy for a while & then blamed everything on stepdad. She refused to talk to or about "him" at all. She moved out of our home to BM's at 19, because she didn't want to go to school or work full-time. This move was blamed - even though exH presented it and it was a not only a joint decision but an expectation spoken freely about since she began high-school - entirely on me, the wicked step-mother. This moved lasted 2 years or so till BM up and moved again and they "didn't have room for her at the new house". 

Has she gotten over it, I don't think so. She is over the top with PDA with her girlfriend. She is still clingy. Nothing is still her fault. 

Has anyone been through a situation like this before? Sort of we got custody of Spawn at 10 because her mother was a drug addict.

Will it work out ok?
Maybe? It's not like kids or life come with an instruction manual or a crystal ball to tell us the future.

Do they ever recover from this kind of abandonment?
Who knows? I guess it depends on their personalities and how the situation is handled.

Do you get into the swing of this full time step parenting thing eventually?
Since I already had my own bios having Spawn full time it didn't add too much more work for me.

Or do you flee with the dogs (who have no washing or homework) and escape to a tropical island to live as a child free hermit (joking...mostly)?
I think people feel that way even with out skids in the picture.

You're in a really tough spot because you are the SM and your SK's BM basically abandoned them. Those kids are going to push you away every which way they can because they're feeling horrible and thinking that since their own flesh and blood abandoned them, it's only a matter of time before you do the same.

As a daughter of an irresponsible mother, it was hard to hear people rave about her in order to try to not say anything bad about her. I felt minimized in what I went through. There is such a thing as over encouraging a relationship or raising hope for one with the BM when she'll likely never change. It's great that the kids are in counselling but you and your DH need to go as well so you both know how to parent children who were abandoned by their mother. Stop saying anything about their mother. Be neutral. If you keep "trying" by saying anything positive, it could feel to the kids that you see nothing wrong at all with what their BM did and that they have no right to be sad, angry, etc. The fact is that a mother like your BM will never change. The kids need to prepare for that rather than live with baited breath, so please stop with the "encouragement." If I've misundertood what you meant by encouraging, I apologize. 

There are ways to sympathize with your SKs' anger. Don't be tactful about it. Being tactful, at least in my case, made me feel minimized. I so badly wanted someone to say that it was OK to be fucking angry because of what I went through. I so badly wanted someone to acknowledge that what I went through was horrible and that it wasn't fair. Over-encouraging or being too tactful can be interpreted by the SKs that they're not being heard or understood. Not being tactful about your sympathy to their anger doesn't mean berrating BM. Also, the SKs will need to hear at least forty-million times that their mother leaving had nothing to do with them and that it was due to her own issues. That's not only OK to say that but necessary. You're not putting BM down. You're just saying that her issues are ones that resulted in her choices that affected some of her kids. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, the SKs need to hear that. But, yeah definitely get you and your DH into counselling so you can parent in a therapeutic way. That's what your SKs need now because being abandoned by your parent is a traumatic psychiatric injury that changes the game of parenting.

I'm 76 but could have almost written your post and it brought back memories.  We had my 3 SKs with increasing frequency then they all moved in, one at a time over a 9-month period.  The difference is that we had no court proceedings.  BM had a new boyfriend, she didn't fight for them.

I totally, totally get where you are coming from with feeling tired and overwhelmed.  I also had 2 bios here so that made 5 kids with 6 years from the oldest to the youngest, they were 15, 13, 12, 10 and 9.  

One thing that helped me, aside from counseling, was realizing my limits.  I had only so much time, energy and emotional bandwidth.  It seemed more important to devote that to the kids than housekeeping.  So, I took every shortcut possible.  Laundry: DH learned to do it and when it all didn't get folded, the kids sorted through "the pile" which was a chair where we put the clean, unfolded things.  Their messy rooms: I closed the doors and occasionally hired cleaning help.  Meals:  If someone didn't like what I cooked, they either ate a pbj or DH gave them fast food $. Whatever it took.  It was more important for me to feel calm and poised.  It was the most important thing for the whole family.

Will everything turn out ok?  Probably.  Ours are all in their 50's and have their own families.  Like all people, they are becoming more like themselves as they age.  Will they get over their feeling of abandonment?  Kind of altho sensitive OSS felt it most that she didn't fight for him.  They all kept contact with her altho she seldom saw them.  When she aged, she did better and was a good grandma.  Do you get into the swing of full-time parenting?  Thankfully, I entered counseling right before the first move in.  I had been somewhat disengaged before then but counseling urged me to engage more fully and it was a good thing.

I really feel for you.  It is a quite intensive thing.  I consider it the biggest challenge and achievement of my life.   If you can stand the pain, read my blogs for the ups and downs.   Good luck!

Aye! I feel for you. 

That abadonment feeling that is going on is a huge tuffy. My advice here is they have a lot of new feelings coming onto them that they dont' know how to process or what to even call them. Just as you do. I would recommend being open with them to a point. When it's a tough day, acknowledge it. 

Ex: boys are acting out and you have raised your voice - You know guys, it's been a really tough day all around today, I'm sorry for blowing up and this is why I'm frustrated. I know some days may be a challenge for you and some days are challenges for me. We are a team and we need to be there for one another even if it means giving someone space. I'm here for you and so is your Dad. 

Some times a little reassurance goes a LONG way. 

As far as cleaning.. hell I feel you! I have 4 under 7 myself. Laundry is EXHAUSTING. Ask them to help out? Team effort here.. I think if they were asked to do some of the house work and felt like a team it will help make them feel important and that they matter in the house. 

Good luck.

Stepfamily or not, raising kids is hard work. And preteens are a handful, whether they've experienced trauma or not. Add the craptastick BM and there's just no way your life is consistently peaceful. But I don't think you're asking for that.

What CAN you do to lessen your burden? Do you take time for yourself, get together with girlfriends (as pandemic allows), engage in a hobby, back off on the housework? Get away with friends or family for a weekend? Maybe you need to find something that will help you recharge on the one hand, and then decrease the energy drain on the other.

Teach the kids to handle their own laundry. They are plenty old enough for that. Do they have other chores? Does either of them cook or have interest in learning how?  As they get older they need to take on more responsibility so they have basic life skils and don't live with you forever.

If your DH is a good parent, and the kids are basically good kids and working through their issues in therapy, you're moving in the right direction. Just remember you don't need to be a superhero.

Abandonment issues are so tough. The best advice I got when we were awarded full custody of my step son came from the socia worker that did our home visit-Children-regardless of what has been done to them, will always want their mom. Don't take it personally-they are wired that way. Fully expect to never be able to fill that hole no matter what you do. In fact, I suggest not even trying to fill it at all. As a step parent you get a spot all your own and while it might not be as infallible as the mom hole, it's special all on it's own. Whatever those kids need you to be-a friend, a parent, a confidant, or someone who just lives with them-you get to be if that's what you want. And as far as mom goes....well we can't control other people. We can't make them see the things they need to see or say and do the things they should. Ignore her. You are not tied to her in any way of you don't want to be. After years of benevolent meddling I finally learned my lesson-my SO is capable of dealing with her all on his own. I don't need to be involved and in fact, it's often better I'm not. I tell my step son to this day, his mother loves him the best way she knows how and sometimes she doesn't love herself that much. I tell him he deserves better and while I'll never fill that gap I will always be right here if he needs me. And pushing 16-he's a wonderful, well rounded kid, and I'm so proud of him. I also make him do chores. Everyone in the family contributes. I do this because as parents or people in parenting roles if we do choose-it's our job to make functional adults. "Doing chores is about learning how to live on your own one day and I will not hve that boy grow up to be a burden on the woman who loves him. That would reflect poorly on me and I won't have it." -direct quote from my late MIL and words I work very hard to live by. 
 

this role and this life are what you choose for it to be, but don't get caught up in justice, there isn't any. Don't get caught up on "should haves" because they didn't. It won't matter in the end anyway-they'll always want their mom. Be you. Be involved or not as involved whatever works for you. 
 

((((hugs)))))

Kids "deserve" the truth and the facts.  You and DH are doing yourselves no favors nor are you doing the two pre-teens any favors by artificially propping up their fantasies regarding their idiot abandoning mother.

Rather than protecting their fee fees, you and daddy would be doing them a far bigger favor service by giving them the facts about their toxic BM and by integrating them immediately and fully into their new normal in your home where they have to do their own laundry, perform regular chores, and  are an integrated part of the family and the family routines.

As for your coddling of your DH.... that does not bode well to the quality of your marriage or for the outcome of your new integrated pre teen Skid dynamic.  He has to step up and bear the lion's share of the impact that his now full time failed first family progeny have on your family.  If he was as great as you think he is, he would have forecast the drama his elder failed family progeny would have on his wife, your home, and  your family and put steps and boundaries in place that would have mitigated the tensions and exhaustion you are currently experiencing.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Dear Midnight, 

I really hope you see this. I didn't read all the replies, but I want you to know that yes you can make it and it can get better. I've gone through a similar situation. Basically a few years ago in just 24 hours I went from being a backup stepparent in the background in a 50-50 custody arrangement to full-time parent. My SS came to live with us and his mom bailed out. She had a hidden substance abuse issue that finally blew up and ended with her in handcuffs. My SS was only 12, emotionally and mentally abused and a total wreck after his mom left. We got him counseling and for a long while our life was crazy. Being the stepmom with no other children I often felt that I was doing all the daily runaround work, giving so much of myself and exhausted. It often felt like there was no payoff no emotional compensation, nothing. I'd look in the mirror and tell myself I was doing the most thankless job in the world. We did the same dance, try not to bash mom but sympathizing with anger. It's painful.

but it gets better. Three years later my ss is happy, he's helpful, he's killing school, has great friends, and is an awesome kid. Sometimes he looks at me and will say "thanks for everything you do. I know you didn't have to be my mom, thanks for wanting me. I love you." 
It was worth the work and endurance. Stay positive. Get your own Counslor too. Vent in a private journal. Find a close friend who will keep things private. Talk to your husband about how you feel but let him know he doesn't need to fix it or change it. The two of you have to support and understand each other but not blame each other for the stress. Even with an awesome partner this will be hard, it's ok. Good couples and good families still have problems. Sometimes I would see my counselor by myself and sometimes my husband came with, both were good at helping us get through. It's not failure to have problems it's just life in this world. Negative feelings are ok. Experience and acknowledge them but don't let them have control. This is probably one of the most vulnerable moments of these children's lives. One day they'll appreciate that you were there for them and love you so much for it. it took a couple years for our family to really start hitting a stride and the trauma to calm down and the therapy to really work. Each day we made a little progress. Their mom rejected them, if they feel rejected by you it will crush their hearts. You have a chance to show them what normal can be like, how real love behaves. love isn't just nice words or flowery gestures, it's showing up day after day and doing the grunt work. It's being there for the unglamorous parts of life. In the end that's going to mean so much to them. Don't give up! but do get support and help. Hugs

If you have such an amazing wonderful partner and are in no way wearing any rose tinted glasses - then you are truly half the way there.  Life's not perfect, if you're committed to making the best of it (which it sounds like you are)  you will, but there will be bumps along the way, some bigger than others.  

Do it.  Take that time waster away from your schedule.  Take up some hobbies, or go to the gym. Something that gives you alone adult time.  Away from the kids.  To Recharge your battery's.     You can't change what going on, but you can create some quality time.  Date night. Hire a babysitter.  Go out to eat , movie,   Weekend away. 

One tip I really appreciated getting from my therapist was that kids will go through cycles with abandonment issues. Going to therapy at 12 is good but be ready for a second wave of anger when they hit 15/16. Teens hit certain developmental milestones where their understanding of responsibility and obligations to one's family or community deepens. This often causes them to look back at how they were treated with renewed anger as they see even more clearly how their parent let them down.*sad* I have seen this play out and am really glad I was warned. It will probably happen again in a few years or when my ss has kids. In his counseling we encountered my SS to not only talk about his feelings and experiences but ask his therapist questions about what he could do to cope with bad feelings. We tried to make therapy less about fixing anything and more about learning to safely process negative stuff. Even at 12 we would talk to him about the importance of not letting bad feelings sit in his heart so they don't poison all the good things inside. Like taking rotten food out of the fridge so the good food doesn't spoil. He was scared being in therapy meant he was broken or weird. Us going too helped ease that fear. He also felt better when he understood therapy wasn't about fixing him but supporting him and helping him learn how to be healthy emotionally. As he learned about things like identifying self destructive behavior and how trauma can impact people it helped him understand his mother's behavior may be about issues unrelated to him. Lots of time and listening will be what really makes a difference. There's no magic cure but a lot of slow steady building. You and your hubby are teaching them by word and deed how to cope with stress and be stable healthy adults. That's training they need regardless of what their mother does and it will help them their entire life. Remember that the hardwork you are doing today and tomorrow is bigger than the mom, it's more than just getting through this ugly year. It's your family, your future, the kids future and the future of their own families one day. The good you are doing today can really last. Yeah if mom wasn't what she is it would be easier and less painful. But when you really love your family, and you clearly do, I'm sure you were going to give your all anyway. It's a bad stretch of road but by no means a bad journey. Mom missed out on being a light in their lives, so you get to shine even brighter now. In the end it will be her loss. You and hubby have a chance to experience a deeper level of connection as you work through this and your bond with the kids too will grow more than ever. Stay positive and don't feel bad if some days you gotta cry or take a breather. Big hugs