First "Family" Vacation...
Oh dear LORD, I am home and can't wrap my head around the "vacation" I just had. My DH has three kids (daughter is 15, sons 11 & 13). We were invited to DH's friend's beach house in caribbean and I had no idea we'd be bunking in with the hosts (family of 6 people). Hosts insisted on spoiling kids with free range of all things including fridge and being granted everything they could possibly ask for. The kids with rudimentary manners threw what they had away and were gluttonous pigs with no regard for others. It was ALL ABOUT THE KIDS and they went to bed whenever they felt like it, and all activities were planned for them.
In our home I have my own bathroom and had to share on vacation with about 8 other people. I had NO privacy and had to beg for a lunch date with my DH alone. All food (which was awesome) was offered to the kids first and I had a hard time trying to factor in. My eldest SS had a bit of a sunburn and you'd have thought he was terminal with all the fussing. Made me sick, really, because I am just a month out of surgery for cancer I have to go back and discuss treatment with another specialist in May.
THE WORST THING is that the last words to me from the host amounted to an appeal to help me see how wonderful the kids are. I know this came from the kids' venting while alone with the host and I was LIVID. I work so hard to be a good SM and even spent more than $100 so the SD could take souvenirs home for her mom, paternal Gparents (who hate me and have the BM over for parties, tea and even Christmas Eve) and maternal Gparents.
I am pretty sure that the vacation would have gone differently had I been the BM. These people felt sorry for the kids I think and I was side-lined.
One SS in particular is a master manipulator and scares me. I was sucked-in too at first, but he is super dangerous. My DH refuses to "see" the situation for what it really is.
Oh, and the BM is on a yoga retreat in Africa even though she is unemployed and lives off CS.
HELP!
Here...have a nice big
Here...have a nice big margarita from me. Sounds like you need it!
Never, ever go on vacation with the skids again.
And never shell out money so they can buy gifts for BM and her family.
Cheers! Now drink up.
HAHAHAHA!!!! You're
HAHAHAHA!!!! You're hilarious! Thank you for the excellent advice. BTW, my husband is a pig according to chinese astrology
(but I'll keep him for now)...
Thank you. I thought I knew
Thank you. I thought I knew and discussed my concerns before going with my DH who had been there before and had a lay of the land. I concluded with the thought he really doesn't know or understand me at all! I work hard for my vacation time and really needed a break/rest. Live and learn: there will NOT be another "family" vacation. Too much went wrong. I could write a book...
THIS Family vacations in my
THIS
Family vacations in my family are always kid centric. We do not enforce bedtimes. If one of the kids want a sundae for dinner, no problem. Rules ( not manners, respect and safety)go out the window when we are on vacation.
My son(25),sister BIL, their 4 kids(19, 18, 12 and 10)and I are going on a cruise in July. We are letting my son, nieces and nephews decide what wecare doing in each port.
When we travel with friends and extended family on family trips, we make sure they understand our vacation style upfront. We don't expect them to follow what we do
How are SKIDS factoring in?
How are SKIDS factoring in?
My point was that you should
My point was that you should have found out how the host family and your husband vacationed prior to the trip.
While you find their vacation style strange, it is perfectly normal for them.
ExDF thought my sister and I were nuts the first time he went on vacation with us. (His daughters loved it.)
Thank you. It was hard to
Thank you. It was hard to leave with that bad taste in my mouth and I felt betrayed in some strange way. I couldn't even LOOK at the kids much less speak with them the whole way home.
You do need a margarita, a
You do need a margarita, a couple....
I am with Ghost, never vacation with step kids, recipe for disaster with a crazy dadeeeee. Add all the other crazies in the mix you were forced to live with-with zero privacy, it sounds...and time to drink up....
Thank you. My DH, after
Thank you. My DH, after venting a couple times "got it" and made sure I had food. No privacy = no me joining them again. EVER.
Smart lady, a lot of the
Smart lady, a lot of the time we SM's are set up for failure..... it is lose, lose....avoidance is the only answer I have found.
I can't comprehend people who
I can't comprehend people who cant see toxic kid crap when it smacks them in the face. I throw up in the back of my throat when they go into "But they are just kids and so wonderful/amazing, blah, blah, blah...."
My answer usually is "Well, we apparently have different standards regarding kid behavior and basic wonderfulness so we will have to agree to disagree on this I think."
There are a lot of husbands
There are a lot of husbands discussed here who could seriously use your mentoring Rags...
Seems simple huh? Life of happiness and reasonable expectations by all vs. one of controversy, ignorance and exclusion.
Good for you and your entire family!
Oh, you can't imagine how
Oh, you can't imagine how relieved I am to read that others GET it. Seriously. I was doing and still am doing some serious throat-throw-upping just thinking about the crap I witnessed and heard about how wonderful, amazing, and talented these ill-mannered entitled kids were. They could totally do NO wrong. I witnessed things in these kids I hadn't seen before and can't look at them the same. I can say the same for the DH's friends too.
I would rather have my
I would rather have my fingernails yanked out one by one than take a family vacation with my SS's. No way. I have managed to avoid it for 5 years now and hopefully, I will continue to avoid it.
The sad part is, I avoided going to my parents lake house because I didn't want to bring the SS's along. They are rude, manipulative and dismissive to my parents. DH could not get it through his head that I would ever want to go there without the spawn. I avoided it. And my Father just passed away a few months ago. So my mother will have to sell it. I am heart broken that I avoided doing something I loved so dearly because of the SS's.
I vowed never to let them keep me from doing something I want again. They can hate me all they want, they will stay home.
Have a few cocktails for me too!! You deserve as many as you want for dealing with Skids on a vacation.
I am SO very sorry for your
I am SO very sorry for your loss. I think I will do as you plan and not let them keep me from doing what I want. I focused so much time and energy making sure they felt good, welcomed and safe in our home and it was at my own expense I see because I really don't matter in the broad scheme of things. I literally feel like the ghost who makes dinner like our SM sister!
Thank you.
So true! I have really
So true! I have really learned from this. Thanks for your kind support. It means a lot.
Thank you. The moments I
Thank you. The moments I stole were quite nice but few in number and short in duration. I really didn't expect to be the outcast, and I don't think it was their intent but it was so obvious the kids were their priority.
I just created this account
I just created this account because I just came back from a beach vacation with DH and his 2 kids (14 yr old daughter and 9 year old son). I have never been on vacation with children and although I will adjust to everything being about the kids. What I couldn't adjust to was the attention the 14 yr old DH craved from her dad. I couldn't stand next to him, have a conversation without her interjecting, ride next to him on the plane or even receive a compliment where he didn't feel like he had to give her a better one. Is this normal?
If he is feeding into her
If he is feeding into her demands and giving into her having to one-up you, not good. Not only is he raising her to look at any woman dad dates as competition, but he is also giving into her and letting her know she gets to control any relationship dad has with another woman. Mini-wife in the making.
This isn't cute nor is it being kind and "letting a couple of things go" because of the divorce. Sure she wants to be close to her father and has every right to be, but it should not be by one-upping some other woman or kicking you out of the way. She is a child, and you are an adult. He needs to treat the child like his child and you like his date, and not the other way around.
I HEAR you! My "vacation" is
I HEAR you! My "vacation" is what lead me here...
Honestly. Sometimes I think
Honestly. Sometimes I think step-parents should only go on vacay with other step-parents; otherwise, yeah, SM could be going thru chemo. with a scarf on her head, and it would still be all about bad-SM and the poor kids.
I think you are really onto
I think you are really onto something there! The whole sunburn thing made me so pissy because they all knew my situation. Now... if it was one of the KIDS going through what I am, that would be a whole different ballgame (NOT that I expected special treatment).
I do not understand the
I do not understand the pandering to kids on vacation. Aren't they spoiled enough in daily life with their plastic trophies and Disney Dads turning their heads away from their behavior?
As a child my vacations were spent driving from our home in the south to where we were from in the north. Three days up; three days back, with my stepfather driving 55 mph the entire way. Now THAT was torture.
Oh Mrs. Understood, I'd be
Oh Mrs. Understood, I'd be PISSED to find I'm spending time in the Caribbean just to be sidelined.
It only took one vacation with skid AND my inlaws to seal the deal that it would never happen again - ever! It was all about skid, and BM might as well should have been there too with as much as she was texting, calling, face timing with very personal inquiries to the details of our vacation.
MIL hinted around a couple years ago regarding going on another vacation with them and skid. I shut her down in her tracks and told her "No way!" That I had zero desire to subject myself to her (MIL's) childish behavior and BM's intrusiveness ever again. The look on her face was priceless and it was a golden moment for me because she knew right then and there I wasn't going to stand for their BS.
Thank you! I had been
Thank you! I had been feeling bad for feeling the way I am but feel a lot better now and better able to advocate for myself too. BM was texting a lot too, and I see both sides: she is probably concerned (but the kids are happy with us and I am a pediatric nurse) but at the same time really should have backed-off. BTW she won't even make eye-contact with me. She wanted the divorce and they were apart 3 years before I met my now husband, but you'd think I was the devil. I have made sure her kids are comfortable and have really good food, and are happy. I've hosted pool parties for the kids and their friends and make a bid deal of holidays and birthdays, we all know that, like it or not, BMs and SKIDS benefit from us financially too. A little respect doesn't seem too much to ask.
In one para. I think you
In one para. I think you summed up the main issues with being a SM in the US; for example, being a devil just for "taking the kids away" from BM, even tho. she was the one who wanted the divorce and you came along years after. Didn't you know bio-dad was supposed to remain single after the divorce, live separate from BM, and yet still be at her and kids' beck and call for everything and anything? Devil SM interfered with that. Dang! In reality, BM, SKs and DH should really be all so thankful for the extra support from SM, because she sure doesn't have to give any--not her monkey, not her zoo.
And, you even summed up what SMs need to do to tackle these prejudices--be an advocate for yourself. The only way it works.
lol. I went to Hawaii with
lol.
I went to Hawaii with DH, his parents, and his kids. For the most part, it was fine and I could do my own thing. But OSD was a total whiny witch the whole time (She was 15 or 16 at the time?) and got a total pass from everyone. She practically ruined the trip...but it's OK because she's a COD.
If I had EVER acted like that on a vacation that my parents were paying for, I would never have made it out unscathed...much less catered to and coddled at every turn. That girl needed a swift kick in the rear.
WOW, the in-laws AND skids?
WOW, the in-laws AND skids? You are an angel! I think if I could do my own thing \I would have been better able to cope. We were captive in both locations and relied on others for transportation because there was NOTHING within walking distance.
I am sure that the "family" vacation would have been much different had we been somewhere alone. I don't have trouble with the kids on weekends and such. The problem was that DH abdicated all responsibility and allowed the host family to make the rules. We stayed at a main house and a beach house, and at one we had, for a night, an ensuite bathroom and I was giddy. There were 2 other bathrooms in the place but the host told the kids they could use any bathroom they wanted. The bathroom light went on at 2 AM because a skid (13 year old) used out bathroom instead of walking down flight of stairs. After being at the beach I went into our room (door had been closed) and started to change. The SD walked out of the bathroom as if I was in her space. I almost had a melt down because they NEVEr would pull that crap at home. A couple hours later I said casually, "Hey guys, please respect closed doors and if you need to use the bathroom on our room, please check with me so there are no surprises.
Oh Man you guys are scaring
Oh Man you guys are scaring me. I'm going on my first "family" vacation with the skids in a couple of weeks. SS12 and SS13. Help!
I went on a short vacation to
I went on a short vacation to the coast with my husband and sd. It was okay until she told me I had a fat ass. That kind of soured the whole thing for me but 3 years later, she's 12 and has almost 30 lbs on me. Karma's a bitch.
As much as I hate her BM's family, I'm so happy her grandma takes her to Disney World twice a year and we're off the hook. I seriously will only go to adult only resorts when we can afford to go on vacation. I don't want to hear children's voices or have them in my pool...
My dad, my bride, and I have
My dad, my bride, and I have a different perspective on kid behavior than most of the rest of the Rags clan has. We call it directly based on kid behavior and performance. My mom and the rest of the clan adults are about the "they are just kids" bullshit. Sometimes one side or the other of the issue gets pretty tight jawed when something is said to a kid who is out of line.
Usually it is the opposition perspective that gets tight jawed because the side I tend to be on focuses on the facts of the kid behavior and not the status of the perpetrator as a kid.
We don't let them off of the hook for inappropriate behavior just because they are kids. We do take into account their behavior from the perspective of their age but do not tolerate inappropriate behavior regardless of their ages.
Its like a "root-cause"
Its like a "root-cause" analysis approach. Is the kid tired? How old is the kid? Did they do something wrong as a response to something done to them, etc.
Easter Sunday, Munchkin SD10 said something harsh to her sister, Winona SD18 (usually the other way around....) and I heard and turned around to look at her. It wasn't something to be punished over, or yelled at about, but it was worthy of notice because it wasn't something very nice. I just looked at her, and asked "you are pretty grumpy right now, yes?" and she admitted yes she was grumpy and tired and didn't mean it the way it sounded.
I am trying to instill some fairness and the credo of "EVERYONE needs to be shown respect in our household, or else they get called out on it."
Yep, it is RCA applied to
Yep, it is RCA applied to behavior. My "engineeric" side is showing I guess. Not every event needs to be punished but every event that deviates from age appropriate acceptable standards of behavior should be addressed and corrected directly IMHO.
I think your approach in your Easter example is great. I think that the perspective you have takes advantage of teaching moments and prevents significant escalation of inappropriate behavior.
I .... llllllllike it!